Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[annaswirls]

..........

 

[annaswirls]

I would be very grateful for any feedback, Angeline. I know the form stuff never as a hope in Hades of going anywhere, but I love to do them like some people love to do Sudoku.

Just ignore TRM. He was once a underpriviledged rapper in the streets of Brooklyn and now can't do the worm. (Ya, I love ya, Pat, you rhyme-challenged man).

If you mean no hope for publishing, I just bought two books of sonnets at a poetry reading on Sunday. One written by a free verse poet. They were wonderful. I doubt that anyone sitting and listening to the poems being read would say "Oh a sonnet!" The lines blended together seamlessly, the rhymes were unobtrusive. I will get the names of the poets.... one minute....

Moira Egan and Tony Barnstone . Barnstone was amazing, had a collection of journalistic sonnets that were breath stopping. Egan's were bar napkin sonnets and were quite naughty.

 

[clutching_calliope]

First..

.....

 

[clutching_calliope]

Anna rocks

.....

 

[annaswirls]

oh I love your quote! So true!

the interesting thing about boxes is often times when one gets comfortable inside of them, they suddenly realize the walls have moved, and now they are on the outside... I think that has happened with form/free verse the cycle goes around and around with most things... it is always interesting to see when the outward signs of non-conformity becomes so common that it is the norm...

Down there in Additional Options, you can hide your signature or enable the smilies which will show up right here------>

I resisted using them for a while.... it is futile...

Thank you, Anna, you give hope to poets who are comfortable _inside_ the box...someday I'll figure out how to do a smiley facey thingy here.

I'll look your poets up.....how come the sonnet books weren't right at hand?...again a smiley, then a wink, lips, rose, couple of martini glasses, few radioactive signs...there is a reason I don't have emoticons....

 

[vampiredust]

Ending Of A Relationship

The river lies half full,
I can see all the stars' reflection

but they can't see me weeping

 

[Angeline]

don't encourage her . . .

hi, you.

Hi yourself.

Too late. She wrote one and I like sonnets and her.

 

[Senna Jawa]

*moved*

Anna, where can I read it?

Regards,

Senna Jawa
​

 

[annaswirls]

Anna, where can I read it?

Regards,

Senna Jawa
​

Sorry SJ, I should have been more specific-- I just moved it to the end of this thread....scroll up a day or two....

 

[Senna Jawa]

I never wear pink

Aha, Anna! That's where you're hiding your poem!

You're back to a 3-line ending, which is lighter (better, I think) than the temporary 4-line version (but see a remark near the end of this post).

Staza 1

I would replace "advertisement" with "message" (both for the sound of it, e.g. brevity, and especially for the meaning).

Stanza 2

Do you mean "betray", not "contradict"? (is my English playing jokes on me?).

I'd replace "I do not know what this means" with "I am puzzled" (sorry to be so obstinate and obsessive).

The last line of this stanza can be shorter "we wonder why" (so that "it does that" can be saved for a grammar instruction, where it belongs).

Last stanza

The ending appears too suddenly, a bit abrupt. Perhaps it can be prepended (prefixed) by a line which will imply weariness.

Info about waiting room seems to be unnecessary, it overloads the reader by attracting his/her attention, while it is hard to see the significance of this extra item. Perhaps the superficial line break was caused by this worry in your mind--you are trying to make each line meaningful (if "breasts" were higher, then the middle line of the ending would be dead). As a yardstick, try to get an ending at least as good as the simple 2-line version version:

I want to leave my breasts
and go home.
​

There is a slight danger that some readers may feel uneasy because of the abrupt apperance of this ennding.

I wonder if somehow you can take advantage of the two meanings of "leave" (but it's not important at all, unless you get very lucky, then sure, use it).

******

Your poem has its character. It is another poem down to Earth (but more delicate than some of your other down-to-Earth-poems). And let it be such.

I still can't resist the pretty high number of nice alliterations in your text (except that you can do without the not so nice "it does that"). Thus if you feel like it at one time, you may try to go after a sing-song version of your poem. That offshoot text would be very dreamy (poetic in the naive sense), it would not have to be so logical, complete, consistent or even sensible in terms of the action and description of the place... (but still, there should be no false accents or elements). You'd create an interesting contrast between the depressing, "unpoetic" meaning of the medical circumstances and the dreamy melody and mood of your poem, in harmony with color pink. Of course you have enough of other poetic projects, you don't need one more, but I thought of sharing this idea since you already have made a step in this direction anyway.

Regards,

Senna Jawa
​

 

[clutching_calliope]

Little Brown Boys

.....

 

[vampiredust]

Ghost In The Photo

I ripped the sun's spine out of the photo,
it didn't need to be there;

the only thing I wanted to see
was you but you were never there :

you always faded in and out of my life
like an apparition never returning home.

 

[vampiredust]

The Room

There's a room
I go to sometimes.

Its in a tower
overlooking the harbor,
I can watch the boats
bopping up and down
or I can just watch
the sun setting behind
the hills.

I like it here. Its away
from everything I know
and I can be alone,
and just watch everything
settle down.

 

[Zanzibar]

I never wear pink

with a single ribbon
the pink gown closes in the front
signature color and gaped fabric
send a subliminal advertisement
look, look at my breasts

we sit on soft vinyl benches
page through People magazine's
Golden Globe gowns
we are braless
loose without armor to smooth
lift separate counter gravity

skin of breast
touches skin of chest
we wait for compression
hand tightened turning
radiation

long vertical wrinkles on the neck
of the woman on the corner seat
betray her youthful face
she asks
your first time? are you nervous?
I shake my head no and smile
they found calcifications in my breast tissue
I do not know what this means
she explains
calcium migrates to cancer
we wonder why it does that

the thin material reveals
an outline of her nipples
that points slightly towards her knees
another confection joins us
asks if we are allowed to wear jewelry
answers herself in the same breath
trying not to look
or sit too close

we look like overgrown girls
pink magnetic ribbons
on the trunk of a Lexus

I want to leave my
breasts here in the waiting room
and go home.

Anna,

Wow, it's been too long since I have been in here and taken a look at the poems in here. This is a really powerful poem to me, and brings home a lot of the worry and emotions that come from breast exams and findings of lumps or cancerous growths. So many strong images presented in your work.

One comment or suggestion.. from my perspective, one line makes me pause in the flow of the words, and seems a bit awkward. In the following:

long vertical wrinkles on the neck
of the woman on the corner seat
betray her youthful face
she asks
your first time? are you nervous?
I shake my head no and smile
they found calcifications in my breast tissue
I do not know what this means <-- since you don't "speak a reply" perhaps something that signifies you don't understand, like having a puzzled expression. Perhaps "At my puzzled expression" or different words for the specific feeling you're getting across. Words like "blank, wondering, etc..."
she explains
calcium migrates to cancer
we wonder why it does that

That one line seems to call out for a facial expression or look to go with the previous line "I shake my head no and smile". Just my perception of that one spot in what I think is a really powerful piece.

 

[Zanzibar]

There's a room
I go to sometimes.

Its in a tower 1
overlooking the harbor, 2
I can watch the boats
bopping up and down 3
or I can just watch 4
the sun setting behind
the hills.

I like it here. Its away 5
from everything I know
and I can be alone, 6
and just watch everything 7
settle down.

VampireDust,

Overall I got the impression of a high place where you can be alone and watch life as it occurs below you, a contemplative place thats special to you. A nice picture. I read this a few times, and offer the following comments from my perspective in reading it to perhaps make it a more vivid picture for your readers.

In the second stanza,

1. You indicate the room is high in a tower. Perhaps using "High" "Tucked" or "Secreted" instead of "Its". Use the beginning word of the stanza to add power or description to the work. "Its" takes away from the strength of the poem in my opinion.

2. The comma at the end of this line puts a pause in the work, but the subject of the first two lines, and the rest isn't connected. Look at making that a period, or removing the comma.

3. Is "bopping" the word you're looking for (meaning collisions) or is "bobbing" (moving up and down) a better choice?

4. Everything after the word "or" appears redundant or repetitive. Perhaps adding "or" to the beginning of the next line and eliminating this line entirely might work better.


In the third stanza:

5. "Its" is redundant and detracts from the line. Beginning with the word "Away" makes the line a lot stronger. Replacing the period with a comma and removing "its" is even stronger, especially if you make changes to the later lines.

6. Look at removing the word "and" from the beginning of this line. With the shortness of the work, the added "ands" don't bring anything to the work. By being more concise, the lines and imagery are much stronger, at least to me.

7. Look at remove the words "and just" from this line, and changing the tense of "watch" to "watching" and possibly combining this line with the last line of the stanza. You might also consider replacing "and just" with a more active modifier such as "quietly" or "silently" to start this line.


Thanks for sharing your works!

 

[annaswirls]

Senna Jawa and Zanzibar,
Thank you for reading and making suggestions on my poem. You both make a lot of sense! I will finish this up and tie it with a pink ribbon and see if it finds another home.


~anna

 

[annaswirls]

Falling asleep on the breast

xxxxxxxx

 

[annaswirls]

xxxxx

 

[annaswirls]

it was christmas morning
and I woke up before the children
to see if you had written
it was christmas morning
but I found jesus on the crucifix

and there was something
dropped in the snow
a note you had written
perhaps to your lover
perhaps to no one in particular
and yet I responded as if addressed to me
it was christmas morning and I loved you already
of course, she was the first to know

 

[annaswirls]

the edge of the ribbon
pullls into satin angel hair
so fine I cannot feel the threads
as they are lifted from my fingers
by a draft

your silence

floats on a beam of light
before settling onto my floor
with powdered sugar
and the last remains of fall

 

[annaswirls]

Evidence

1

you come to me on days of trancendence
the days of January
we missed due to sleep
days I forget the hour
the month since you have gone

confirmation gift:
a crow dropped
your daughter's gold necklace and cross
down the chimney
it sounded like something much larger
we could not make out the words

2
your lover captured you
in voice-over photographic collages
barely recognizable
you do not move


3
a young boy
climbed on the bench
next to a beautiful woman
kneeling close
he pushed the hair
from her face
and touched her cheek


4
an elderly woman wears breakfast
in stains down the front of her ruffled blouse
she watches the birds scatter for imagined crumbs
the wind blows hair into her eyes
she sees more birds scatter for imaginary crumbs


5
you come to me
these days where all rises over impossibility
ozone sharpness raises the hairs on my forearms
electrons at my fingertips
wait for release

6.

the boy saw you stream down the storm drain
I know he saw you there
the way he chased the water
and watched it fall
and fall
and then disappear
but still it kept coming
still it kept coming
it must be raining
somewhere in the North
still you keep running on down

 

[champagne1982]

This is half-way inspired by WP Kinsella's stories of the Hobema reserve in the collection Moccassin Telegraph.

There's a sad story in it about a young woman who was raped. By coincidence of her native genes, the RCMP, in that shameful way of passive aggressive prejudice, are very slow to bring the man to justice.

She goes to a wedding dance and, as is too often the case, the guy who assaulted her shows up. The young woman's brothers and cousins work on getting him drunk and then the girl invites him to dance.

As they circle around to the back door of the hall she whispers, "Dance Me Outside." Which in the local venacular means, "I want to be alone with you."

They exit the hall and the guy is thrown into the back of a pick up and is never heard from again. I don't want to evoke images of raped girls and dead rapists here, but the title is wonderful.

Dance Me Outside

There must be a way to keep
on dancing even when the music
stops its throb within
the hollows of your chest

Move me outside and let the air
chill my sweat damp skin,
wrap fingers around the loosened
curls at my heated nape.

Draw me close as the freeze
chills me finally. It takes
so long to cool down once
these rhythms fan the flames

that burn when I feel your dark
eyes lick at my breasts
and down over the slow
curving of my hips.

Keep swaying with me, out here
where winter's icy melody
lightens my feet and makes
me want to dance forever.

 

[Zanzibar]

Little brown boys
emerge from cracks
in the sidewalk
as the August lamps hum [1]
their companionship.

Little brown boys
do not need toys.
An empty tin can
makes a fine enemy. [2]

Little brown boys
all have straight hair
that falls into hooded
eyes as they hunch
at the side of the curb.

Little brown boys
are busy in dust [3]
drawing their fortunes
with black fingernails.

Little brown boys,
all play done, [4]
leave the light
and forever disappear.

calliope,

I read this several times, then came back to it again the next day. It left an interesting image, but a couple aspects just nagged at me. I'll give you my thoughts, though I'm not sure I understand the intent of the poem. They may be of some help, or totally out in left field... use them or discard them as you will.

[1] When I read this line, the word "the" seems unnecessary, and takes away something from the sentence.

[2] "enemy" seems so harsh and hard edged compared to the rest of the poem. I'm not sure if this is the intent or not. To me, words like "weapon" or "target" seem to work better if you're seeking a martial/combative air, "playmate" or "substitute" perhaps if not.

[3] It seems a comma is missing at the end of this line.

[4] This line just seems off to me. It's hard to describe it, I just get the feeling there's a different way to put it thats stronger, or matches the intensity and feeling of the rest of the poem. Something with more bite than "done", like the word "complete" or "playing ceased" instead of "play done".

There's my thoughts...

It was an interesting and intriguing read.

Zan

 

[Zanzibar]

it was christmas morning
and I woke up before the children
to see if you had written
it was christmas morning
but I found jesus on the crucifix

and there was something
dropped in the snow
a note you had written
perhaps to your lover
perhaps to no one in particular
and yet I responded as if addressed to me
it was christmas morning and I loved you already
of course, she was the first to know

Anna,

You've been pretty busy! A whole collection of works, and quite a lot of different aspects. I'm not sure of the thrust of the poem, it strikes me from a couple different angles, both religious and otherwise.

In either case, one thing stood out to me. The words "addressed to me" seems to lack the same strength of feeling you have in the rest of the poems. Perhaps something along the lines of "it were mine alone" that indicates that you took it as your own posession, or into your heart like they wrote it for you.

Just my thought on this one... The others are still tumbling around in my head.

Zan

 

[annaswirls]

thank you! actually these are mostly passion outbursts that I have been trying to turn into poems

I struggled with the exact same line you mention here. it is tough to not slip into the "as if they were written to me" killing me softly with his song cliche. I will try to think of a way to do it, thanks for the confirmation that it needs...something....

Anna,

You've been pretty busy! A whole collection of works, and quite a lot of different aspects. I'm not sure of the thrust of the poem, it strikes me from a couple different angles, both religious and otherwise.

In either case, one thing stood out to me. The words "addressed to me" seems to lack the same strength of feeling you have in the rest of the poems. Perhaps something along the lines of "it were mine alone" that indicates that you took it as your own posession, or into your heart like they wrote it for you.

Just my thought on this one... The others are still tumbling around in my head.

Zan