Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[Eluard]

My vote is definitely for the first. Love that last line and it needs to be isolated.

 

[annaswirls]

Thank you, Anna. I'll keep a dustbuster handy.

haha! yes.... I tend to need a shopvac thank you very much

 

[annaswirls]

The last line is critical, original, standout. It does not need to be separated from the rest of the poem to be effective. It belongs to the poem, with the poem, not waving from the back of a convertible.

Very lovely poem, really. I think there are some words in there that could be snipped, read each word and see if the poem could breathe without it.

Some seeming inconsistancies-- something faint... especially something muted like a hum-- paired with the description of "Fracturing" This may be intentional, but it seems like a softer word could be used. Forgive me if I am reading it incorrectly.

My recommendation: lose the "and" in the second verse -- there are also so many non-meaty words in a row
and
then
the
that

all in one line make it feel like a slight of hand.

The last three lines are absolutely killer.

You go girl, and know I only make these suggestions because of the real promise of the poem. Lovely as is.

~J

The beginning of the hum is so faint
fracturing at the edge of the air
that your brain hasn't registered
itself separate from its dream

and then the day that comes
presents itself and we rise to it
or we fail. You are on time, love.
Now swell your lungs with morning;

each day is a paper ladder.




Speaking of line breaks, is this better? Or worse?

Putting on Shoes
The beginning of the hum is so faint
fracturing at the edge of the air
that your brain hasn't registered
itself separate from its dream

and then the day that comes
presents itself and we rise to it
or we fail. You are on time, love.
Now swell your lungs with morning;
each day is a paper ladder.

 

[annaswirls]

Having ideas is a good thing I only say one should not wait for one before writing, but if one is inspired, one should do it.

Of the two attempts, the second, to me, was more impressive and more in tune with your intent.

The last lines are IT. What you are going for. The hook that makes the poem about everyone.

I think the poem itself could use a trim, you say things in a lovely way, but in this case, seem to over-say them. Once we visualize that this face is the face of everyone we have ever kissed, you do not need to go on and try to get us to imagine it more... at least I did not need it, I was hooked the first time on the idea. Not sure at this point what I would recommend cutting, just a suggestion

I read the poems before your introduction too, by the way

Well done!

J

Right, then, I have something to toss into the chipper...

I really hate it when I have an Idea for a poem. Ideas suck. I do much better when I'm just reporting on something and inviting readers to watch, if they wish.

But once in a while I get an Idea, and many of my attempts at TZ's challenge this month have, unfortunately, resulted in Ideas that I find myself wanting to communicate.

So here's the experiment. I'm going to actually say the Idea that I'm aiming at, and y'all can maybe tell me if I'm getting there or even close, with these two attempts.

The head in question:

Cycladic culture, 2000 BCE

The Idea:
The original "function" of this head is buried with the culture that created it. But I see it as a way of meditating on that which is under the skin, the divine Lover or essential self that Tantrics recognize - it's the reason that a Tantrika is flattered, rather than insulted, when you call her someone else's name in bed. Ideally, EVERYONE else's name.

So looking at this head, I see this meditation on imagining all the features of everyone you've ever loved, family, friends, spouses, everyone, superimposed there, and eventually realizing that this is the real self, the undifferentiated Divine, the God we all contain. There's also that thing that That Bastard DeepAsleep, who I love truly, expressed so succinctly, the idea that we are all essentially separate, even at our most conjoined, because we cannot reach that which lies underneath and beyond the living skin, we cannot actually make love to the eternal soul.

*whew* yeah. and like that, and stuff. So: deconstruct these rough rough rough drafts. Run them through the chipper. Tell me they're crap. Whatever.

Attempt Number 1:

If form follows function then
what is the use of these
perfect shadows
except to lead the eye inside the stone
of every face.
Look, long enough to feel
your own active gaze, look for
the paint that is flesh
see the mouths that have opened to you
each one a holograph over the stone.
Your lovers, their gazes electric on yours
speak, open, kiss
we are stone
beneath a moment of flesh
beneath the mirage of the body.



Attempt #2

This single shadow,
slanting, makes mouth
and brow. Neither portrait
nor icon, but
incantation
surging from the stone. Look:
every face you loved
have kissed, is there
rising out of the planes.
Watch the mouth open to you
gaze into every eye
shape soft cheekbones
with your fingertips.
Believe, believe this is
your lover, your spouse.
It is a simple leap of faith.
You know it well:
you do this every night.

*

 

[annaswirls]

I think maybe you might consider marrying the two attempts
I did this quick, did not pay attention to line breaks, etc. Just an experiment, I hope you do not mind.

Jenn's experimental blend (okay she said put it in the chipper, so I did)

Attempt #1-2

If form follows function then
what is the use of these
perfect shadows
except to lead the eye inside the stone
of every face.

Every face you
have kissed is there.
Mouth open,
gaze into every eye,
shape soft cheekbones
with fingertips.
This is your lover, your spouse.
It is a simple leap of faith.
You know it well:
you do this every night.

oh goodness, I see that ange already sliced and dieced and sewed them back together, I should read more carefully first!

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Thank you for the help, Anna.

The last line is critical, original, standout. It does not need to be separated from the rest of the poem to be effective. It belongs to the poem, with the poem, not waving from the back of a convertible.

Very lovely poem, really. I think there are some words in there that could be snipped, read each word and see if the poem could breathe without it.

Some seeming inconsistancies-- something faint... especially something muted like a hum-- paired with the description of "Fracturing" This may be intentional, but it seems like a softer word could be used. Forgive me if I am reading it incorrectly.

My recommendation: lose the "and" in the second verse -- there are also so many non-meaty words in a row
and
then
the
that

all in one line make it feel like a slight of hand.

The last three lines are absolutely killer.

You go girl, and know I only make these suggestions because of the real promise of the poem. Lovely as is.

~J

 

[champagne1982]

punctuation

is the grammarian
sitting here balefully waiting
for the obligatory question

mark my words a comma
or a full end stop
will not rectify the need

to place parentheses around
asides as if they hold
an inside joke in their close
bracketed curvatiousness

a colon digests my ideas
into a list snapped off
a line
of meaningless
capitals and vowels and consonants

that somehow form predicate
phrases to refer back
to the subject
punctuating this discussion
period

 

[Angeline]

punctuation

is the grammarian
sitting here balefully waiting
for the obligatory question

mark my words a comma
or a full end stop
will not rectify the need

to place parentheses around
asides as if they hold
an inside joke in their close
bracketed curvatiousness

a colon digests my ideas
into a list snapped off
a line
of meaningless
capitals and vowels and consonants

that somehow form predicate
phrases to refer back
to the subject
punctuating this discussion
period

Hmmm. A few suggestions.

punctuation

is the grammarian
sitting here balefully waiting
(I dislike adverbs in poetry, could you make it "baleful"? "is the grammarian/baleful sitting here waiting...")
for the obligatory question

mark my words a comma
or a full end stop
will not rectify the need

to place parentheses around
asides as if they hold
an inside joke in their close
bracketed curvatiousness
(maybe move things around here a bit: "an inside joke close/in their bracketed curves..." curvaciousness seems like overkill to me)

a colon digests my ideas
into a list snapped off
a line
of meaningless
capitals and vowels and consonants
(maybe get rid of the "ands"--"of meaningless/capitals vowels consonants..." I know you want to use the words, not the actual marks, so maybe that's why you added the "ands," but I'm thinking it sounds tighter without them)

that somehow form predicate
("somehow form" is blah to me, something that personifies might be interesting here, like "that lock arms in predicate/phrases that glance back/to the subject...)
phrases to refer back
to the subject
punctuating this discussion
("punctuate this discussion/period)
period

Just my two cents. If any of it helps, great. If not, no worries.

 

[champagne1982]

Hmmm. A few suggestions.

punctuation

is the grammarian
sitting here balefully waiting
(I dislike adverbs in poetry, could you make it "baleful"? "is the grammarian/baleful sitting here waiting...")
for the obligatory question

mark my words a comma
or a full end stop
will not rectify the need

to place parentheses around
asides as if they hold
an inside joke in their close
bracketed curvatiousness
(maybe move things around here a bit: "an inside joke close/in their bracketed curves..." curvaciousness seems like overkill to me)

a colon digests my ideas
into a list snapped off
a line
of meaningless
capitals and vowels and consonants
(maybe get rid of the "ands"--"of meaningless/capitals vowels consonants..." I know you want to use the words, not the actual marks, so maybe that's why you added the "ands," but I'm thinking it sounds tighter without them)

that somehow form predicate
("somehow form" is blah to me, something that personifies might be interesting here, like "that lock arms in predicate/phrases that glance back/to the subject...)
phrases to refer back
to the subject
punctuating this discussion
("punctuate this discussion/period)
period

Just my two cents. If any of it helps, great. If not, no worries.

Thanks for the help Ange. I agree with a lot of what you say here. I was using the ands to avoid commas, originally I had a line break after each word so I've returned to that device instead.

The close bracketed was supposed to indicate that mark ), so I've left the word order that way but pared down and changed a bit of it to tighten it up. You always make me think when I edit and that's why I adore you . the revision follows

punctuation

is the grammarian
baleful waiting
for the obligatory question

mark my words a comma
or a full end stop
will not rectify the need

to place parentheses around
asides as if they hold
an inside joke in close
bracketed curves

a colon digests my ideas
into a list snapped off
a line
of meaningless
capitals
vowels
consonants

that parade predicate
phrases about faced
to the subject

punctuate this discussion
period

 

[Anschul]

Hmmm. A few suggestions.

punctuation

is the grammarian
sitting here balefully waiting
(I dislike adverbs in poetry, could you make it "baleful"? "is the grammarian/baleful sitting here waiting...")
for the obligatory question

mark my words a comma
or a full end stop
will not rectify the need

to place parentheses around
asides as if they hold
an inside joke in their close
bracketed curvatiousness
(maybe move things around here a bit: "an inside joke close/in their bracketed curves..." curvaciousness seems like overkill to me)

a colon digests my ideas
into a list snapped off
a line
of meaningless
capitals and vowels and consonants
(maybe get rid of the "ands"--"of meaningless/capitals vowels consonants..." I know you want to use the words, not the actual marks, so maybe that's why you added the "ands," but I'm thinking it sounds tighter without them)

that somehow form predicate
("somehow form" is blah to me, something that personifies might be interesting here, like "that lock arms in predicate/phrases that glance back/to the subject...)
phrases to refer back
to the subject
punctuating this discussion
("punctuate this discussion/period)
period

Just my two cents. If any of it helps, great. If not, no worries.

In my professional life, I have been known as "The Grammar Police," to whom people turned when in doubt. I just gotta say, Ange, how turned on I am right now.
Anschul

 

[unpredictablebijou]

*bump*

 

[IAboy]

This poem is quite short
but then so is life
It can be filled with love or joy
or sadness, hate and strife

So work hard to make sure
yours is filled with the former
For what is a life worth living
If it is filled with that latter?



So what do ya all think? Suck or No?

 

[Safe_Bet]

Okay, sticking with the insect theme: "Help me. Please... , help me" [The Fly - 1958]

Stomzz, stomzz, stomzz
Marched the tiny hobnailed wings
Of the army of the righteous gnats

Massing for the final assault their legions shout
“Comply with our demands or be destroyed”
Thinking freedom is only what they believe it to be

Espousing the principles of the Principal
They buzz “do as we say, not as we do” or face the wrath
Of the imaginary ruler that does not measure

Hubristic in the extreme, like wee little banshees
They feed on the chaos, hate and drama
That they themselves create while calling for kindness

Some screech back at their rancor and pomposity
Frustrated with the rude little bites from hollow tongues
They flail, but sadly, cannot be heard by the willing deaf

The Poets sit serenely as the gnats drone about their heads
Ignoring condemnations for not worshiping the idol
And for exposing them as no-see-ems not avenging angels

One gnat who wished instead to be a Golden Goose
Misses the chance to hatch the egg of Golden Opportunity
Being too busy bellowing her pitiful honk of principled defiance

As always the Poets show kind consideration to the gnats
Not slapping them as they deserve, but instead offering wisdom
“No matter what happens, you will always be just a gnat.”

 

[annaswirls]

Not sure this is worth its ink, but I need practice in editing anyway.

I lost my voice in a race horse side track
calling the numbers down
calling the numbers down we ride
up from the stands we ride.

I want a room with a door
no view necessary
it's already here behind closed eyes:

the rain
the race track
the promise that I would not curse your footprints
only your grave.​

Yet still you walk the earth
surely you do, I would have heard
the caller cry
seen the torn ticket fall.

But I won't wait.
Your ghost has the same chance of hearing the lies
as your thick lens glasses do of reading this
you son of a bitch
no, you never loved me
or anything but that soft sad space you press
when you are feeling sorry for yourself.

Maybe you love us for giving you reason to grump about
while pawning memories of your semi-hard cock
forcing itself anywhere it could fit.

Chasing the flag
my drink spills on the seat
cranky old man mutters his curse
and moves down.

 

[annaswirls]

Three miles back

You must know you are losing me
I slipped out
when you fell asleep at the wheel.

Waving to rigs and hybrids
B-mers and vans
they signal with flashers,
big hands, cell phone cameras.

Three miles back
prerequisite compliments
of poetry and mothering were delivered.
Three miles back they lied
about their wives
and to their girlfriends
texting to say
Meeting running late. Sorry.

You must know
he already found us a room,
transferred funds you must know
the market by now. The supply,
the demand. You must know the hands
that pull me are constant.

Do you not feel the wind of the open door?
Boxing ring biceps and broken bicuspids
darling even your feet are beautiful
but you must know by now
your gloves have no grip
you already lost me.

 

[annaswirls]

I never buy new

New Title

New bike, Christmas red

In no time the bike will wear the same
rust and faded stickers
of those lined up outside Goodwill.
But don't talk to me about depreciation
on Christmas morning.
I know under ribbons
it needs to be new.


New with the belief that this time it will be different.
This time, I will take care, bring it in the garage,
keep the chain greased in faith that this time
handle bars will always steer home,
bell clear my lover it is you it is you it
has always been you, only you

Paint scratch lies penciled notes in pocket
we cruise new car smell, wet
behind and between every story aware,
every answer Yes Cherry red promises
lip to cheek you do not count my scars
I do not wonder who dented your fender
we move tall four climbing
under ribbon
we still shine.

 

[Angeline]

Okay, sticking with the insect theme: "Help me. Please... , help me" [The Fly - 1958]

Stomzz, stomzz, stomzz
Marched the tiny hobnailed wings
Of the army of the righteous gnats

Massing for the final assault their legions shout
“Comply with our demands or be destroyed”
Thinking freedom is only what they believe it to be

Espousing the principles of the Principal
They buzz “do as we say, not as we do” or face the wrath
Of the imaginary ruler that does not measure

Hubristic in the extreme, like wee little banshees
They feed on the chaos, hate and drama
That they themselves create while calling for kindness

Some screech back at their rancor and pomposity
Frustrated with the rude little bites from hollow tongues
They flail, but sadly, cannot be heard by the willing deaf

The Poets sit serenely as the gnats drone about their heads
Ignoring condemnations for not worshiping the idol
And for exposing them as no-see-ems not avenging angels

One gnat who wished instead to be a Golden Goose
Misses the chance to hatch the egg of Golden Opportunity
Being too busy bellowing her pitiful honk of principled defiance

As always the Poets show kind consideration to the gnats
Not slapping them as they deserve, but instead offering wisdom
“No matter what happens, you will always be just a gnat.”

Ok, so as promised my friend here is what I think. It's just my opinion so it any of it doesn't work for you, just discard it and keep what does. You know better than me or anyone what is best for your poem.

I like this a lot and think it has great potential (lol I first wrote "poetential" ), but you have a decision first off of whether you want this poem to be more satirical or more kind of sincere, impassioned statement. I think you should stick with satire because the image of gnats, especially gnats in hobnail wings, is pretty funny. So I think this works best as a humorous piece.

Beyond that I think you need to go through, line by line, and lose every word that doesn't add substance or movement to the poem. Mostly that's little words like "the" or "an," but you might want to change some words or phrases to keep more with the humor/satire tone.

Here's some changes I might make.

Stomzz, stomzz, stomzz [Great first line!]
Buzz the tiny hobnailed wings [wings wouldn't march, right?]
Of the the righteous gnat army.

They mass for final assault. Their legions shout
“Comply with our demands or be destroyed,
We know what freedom means!" [See, I think it's better using dialogue instead of saying what you think they think--it's more immediate]

The principle of the Principal
is “do as we say, not as we do or face
the wrath of our Leader"

They're wee little banshees
who feed on chaos, hate, drama.
(Create drama but call for kindness.)

Some screech back at this rancor, this pomposity
the rude little bites from hollow tongues. Some flail
and still cannot be heard when ears are wlling deaf.


The Poets sit serenely as gnats drone about their heads
They seek no condemnation, worship no idol
Expose avenging angels as no-see-ems, but one gnat

who wished to be a Golden Goose, but couldn't
hatch the egg of Golden Opportunity. She was busy
bellowing a pitiful honk of principled defiance.

The Poets show kind consideration to the gnats,
not slapping them, they offer wisdom:
“No matter what happens, you'll always be just a gnat."

Hmmm. I'm not sure I helped a great deal, but that's some of what I might do. I think it would help too to get rid of the goose and egg metaphors because it's too much different kind of metaphor going on, you see? Gnats and eggs and geese and poets lol. A barnyard analogy might work better, overall, because it gives you lots of different images with different meanings, but the whole barnyard idea works, too.

Keep working it sweets. The more you mess with it, the more you'll learn.

 

[Epmd607]

New Car Smell

Anna, you have quality images, you looking for a focus or re-write?

 

[bflagsst]

When you're a little sour

(Safe_Bet recommended this thread for the editing of this poem, if anyone has any ideas about it I'd be pleased to hear 'em, cuz I've re-written this poem a zillion times. It still sorta feels like a shopping cart falling down stairs.)


I've been put to sleep by you
I've been severed red by you
and drowned underwater
and layed out in the hail
and you think you're so unseemly
with that little wiggle, hand to hip
but there's a heart drawn
from me to you 'round your neck
and you always seem to play with it
when you're so unbearable
that your high-heeled shoes aren't
nearly high enough to poke me
eye to eye and it's true that I love you
like something sweet, especially
when you're a little sour

 

[annaswirls]

Anna, you have quality images, you looking for a focus or re-write?

Hi Ep, I just put 'em here so I don't forget about them-- try to take them from a Passion outpour to something that might be called poem.

Any suggestions would be gratefully accepted. Thank you for reading them. The bike one is still a total mess, I wouldn't touch it if I were you, until I get the hose out myself, you might get mud on your jeans.

~Anna


okay I played with the bike poem to. Have a go at any of them any time. I am easy and grateful.

 

[annaswirls]

A shopping cart falling down the stairs-- perfect-- that would be a feeling I would WANT to get from a poem, actually!

I think that what this poem needs is more happening, it is a lot of description, some cleverly done, but I want to get a more concrete base for why-- how did she put you to sleep-- how did she sever you red. There is a list of metaphors, the first four lines, save the first, are all metaphor (I am guessing) but I think metaphor works best when linked to something real. You have the wiggle, the hand to hip and the high heels, but the rest is description.

At any rate, I am belaboring my point. I like your writing bflagsst, this is not one of your best.

Now go write a poem about a shopping cart falling down the stairs. I love love love that image.

(Safe_Bet recommended this thread for the editing of this poem, if anyone has any ideas about it I'd be pleased to hear 'em, cuz I've re-written this poem a zillion times. It still sorta feels like a shopping cart falling down stairs.)


I've been put to sleep by you
I've been severed red by you
and drowned underwater
and layed out in the hail
and you think you're so unseemly
with that little wiggle, hand to hip
but there's a heart drawn
from me to you 'round your neck
and you always seem to play with it
when you're so unbearable
that your high-heeled shoes aren't
nearly high enough to poke me
eye to eye and it's true that I love you
like something sweet, especially
when you're a little sour

 

[WickedEve]

I have to agree with Ms. Anna. It's not one of your best and I'm a fan of your writing.
Not sure where to start editing the poem -- and it's a pretty good poem. I'll read it again and give it some thought. Not making any promises, though.

 

[Safe_Bet]

(Safe_Bet recommended this thread for the editing of this poem, if anyone has any ideas about it I'd be pleased to hear 'em, cuz I've re-written this poem a zillion times. It still sorta feels like a shopping cart falling down stairs.)


I've been put to sleep by you
I've been severed red by you
and drowned underwater
and layed out in the hail
and you think you're so unseemly
with that little wiggle, hand to hip
but there's a heart drawn
from me to you 'round your neck
and you always seem to play with it
when you're so unbearable
that your high-heeled shoes aren't
nearly high enough to poke me
eye to eye and it's true that I love you
like something sweet, especially
when you're a little sour

I'll start out plagerizing the shit out of what a VERY good professional editor told me five posts above this one:

"...I think you need to go through, line by line, and lose every word that doesn't add substance or movement to the poem. Mostly that's little words like "the" or "an," To that comment I'd lose most of the "I've"'s and "you"s.

Been put to sleep
severed red by you
drowned underwater
laid out in hail

Now, I will let some people who are GOOD at this give you some valid suggestions.

 

[annaswirls]

I'll start out plagerizing the shit out of what a VERY good professional editor told me five posts above this one:

"...I think you need to go through, line by line, and lose every word that doesn't add substance or movement to the poem. Mostly that's little words like "the" or "an," To that comment I'd lose most of the "I've"'s and "you"s.

Been put to sleep
severed red by you
drowned underwater
laid out in hail

Now, I will let some people who are GOOD at this give you some valid suggestions.

wow, you really improved it with those basic changes, wtg!

It also takes away the REO Speedwagon song that started playing in my head with the old first line. Sorry, no offense, but after reading it, I was back in my cousin's room with "time for me to fly" playing on her 8-track.

Ive been around for you
Ive been up and down for you
But I just cant get any relief
Ive swallowed my pride for you
Ive lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief

 

[bflagsst]

Reo

Haha, REO speedwagon, that's so depressing. I've been fiddling. thanks.