Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[UnderYourSpell]

For God's sake don't dump it. It's very good. It has a "Lights went out in Georgia" feel to it. A slow southern way of things.... I loved it. Take Anna's advice though. She can help you take it to the next level. But again.... I loved it.

Thanks I was thinking it was going sort of like 'Ode to Billy Joe' but I love the one you said too especially by Reba McEntire, but I'm glad there's two votes to continue ! Actually on one of the lines I had put 'filtering' at first but thought it made the line too long. I wanted to put in the word 'Caspian' because in her mind the smoke is like ghosts if that makes any sense!

 

[IAboy]

What did you think of my latest? You are really good by the way. Just wanted to let you know. I appreciate beauty in all it's forms. Yours is on many different levels.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Deliver us to the Future
Send letters when you get there
Tell us what you see...
What you hear, and how you feel.

How do you feel about the world
Left to you? Can you fix it? Can Anyone?
Is it too late? Will you be the One?

When I was you I had hope.
I had dreams... Prayers... Fears
Dreams of Flying cars and Robots
Prayers for my family and friends
Fears of the Soviets, Nukes, and War

My Future is now... Yours still to come.
My Future is .com and cell phones
What is yours? Is it Living on the Moon?
Is it a new 9/11 or “Yes We Did!”?

Are you the person you want to be?
Are you happy and free?
Are you still free to dream?

P.S. I love you. You know I do.
Here’s to the present we’ve delivered you to.

This is very thought provoking as in have we left it too late to save the world we are killing off glad somebody thinks about it! I used that theme in one of my form poems for Survivor. Can I ask a question? On the first read I thought you were addressing it to your child but on reading it again you change from 'you' to 'I' ..... so is this intentional as in can you change what will be in your future ? Sorry to be so dense ! Of course you are a young person still and have so much to look forward to if we can get it right now. Just read it again and think I got all that wrong oh well

 

[IAboy]

This is very thought provoking as in have we left it too late to save the world we are killing off glad somebody thinks about it! I used that theme in one of my form poems for Survivor. Can I ask a question? On the first read I thought you were addressing it to your child but on reading it again you change from 'you' to 'I' ..... so is this intentional as in can you change what will be in your future ? Sorry to be so dense ! Of course you are a young person still and have so much to look forward to if we can get it right now. Just read it again and think I got all that wrong oh well

No, I was thinking a lot about what my future will be like when my son's generation takes over. It must have been the same for my dad wondering if my generation would be the salvation for him..... Interesting theory don't you think? thanks for you input. It is well appreciated.

 

[annaswirls]

I just realized I am putting things in the passion thread instead of here, even though I am blatantly hitting the backspace over my misspellings, editing on the go. Not supposed to be there. I like it there. But this is where this jazz belongs.

The Night Wears a Sombrero
I wear considerably less
Try to tip toe round potential
ethnic slur misinterpretations
I select silence

He refers to himself as "Juan"
forgetting his previous introduction
as Michael. Or was it Robert.
Boots heavy on hardwood.
Ostrich skin nipples on grey leather,
empty at the foot of my bed.

He keeps socks on.
Hangs his sombrero on Venus
Jupiter rising. His skin, flawless.

 

[annaswirls]

My Backyard

She sounded younger on the phone
we flitted pleasantries trying to figure
a place to meet, to do the drop off.

"I'm in Old Town" I started.
"Near Southwestern."
She is in old town too.
We zoom in the town map
from University to Maple and
soon she is there,
in the apartments
just over the fence
across my back yard.

Hey I could lean out my window and yell this to you!
We laugh.
We see if our kids have the same teachers.
We talk about babysitters, playdates.
We joke about the tracks and the stray cats,
what is on special at HEB and are the trains
running again?

Later she asks
Do you have animals?

Just a dog.

No, something else, like a wild animal or something,
it makes a strange noise.

Silence.

Oh.
That.
That is my son.

Silence.

Yeah.
He makes strange noises.


I try to laugh, to make a joke of
trampoline screech and dirt juggle moans
"My toy is sticky my toy is wet my toy is missing"
cries. Not like a normal cry. More like--
an animal yes. Swing set euphoria hoooting
and whooping and shriek.

Yes. That is ours in the back yard.
He is ours in the back yard.
I am sorry.
Sometimes it gets too much.
I just can't bring myself
to quiet him down.
Sometimes it is too much,
I hide behind the door
Sometimes it is too much
for him to hold it together another minute.

She sounded prettier on the phone.
Needless to say, she never called back
for that playdate.
There is, you know,
a wild animal in the back yard.

 

[annaswirls]

poetry critique

"there's flowers and corpses
dancing the tango
on the piano in my mind"

I think you mean
"There ARE flowers and corpses?"

I am opening a window to my soul
and you are correcting my grammer?

Someone has to.
And it is grammar.

But it is a lovely image, really darling,
you are off to a good something.
I can see the dead dancing with red roses in jaw
dry bones dipped low.
I hear barrel organs
piping from your piano.
Buenos Aires evening, good air,
fair winds.

It is all quite lovely. Really.
But would be much better
if verbs agreed with nouns
and letters agreed with their maker.
Chest-to-chest left leg between thigh
eye-to-eye let function and feeling step, step
glide let it step to the music of--
music of....

Oh God, you were going to say "soul" weren't you? "Music of your soul?"
Who is breaking her own rules now?

Shhhhh you'll wake Mary!

 

[pushkine]

Stellar Collapse (White Dwarf)

She stands centered in a nebula
of strewn sponge-cake crumbs, surrounded
by a nervous gray plasma of pigeons

pecking and pitting the ground.
Spine curved as a cane
of bent ash, slowly

she spins around and around.
Bobby, she sings to me,
smiling from the globe's diamond core

whose dreadful gravity pulls me in and in,
All God's children have wings, oh Lord.
All God's children have wings.



Yeah, well OK. It's a Survivor poem.

I need help with the title, because I hate it--either of them. I'll use it (one or both of them, as is) if I have to, but if someone better at titles wants to make a suggestion, I am like wholly listening.

And I don't exactly hate it, but I am bad with titles. So suggestions are welcome. Other comments, too, up to and including the ever-popular "your poem really sucks."

Because, of course, it does.

Danke.

 

[annaswirls]

Is this a form poem or poet's choice?

For titles I sometimes like to give a retort to the end of the poem. The all God's children got wings" was my favorite line. You might want to tie the title into that, so when the reader finishes, they think OH that was the reason for the title.

Stellar Collapse (White Dwarf)

She stands centered in a nebula
of strewn sponge-cake crumbs, surrounded
by a nervous gray plasma of pigeons

pecking and pitting the ground.
Spine curved as a cane
of bent ash, slowly

she spins around and around.
Bobby, she sings to me,
smiling from the globe's diamond core

whose dreadful gravity pulls me in and in,
All God's children have wings, oh Lord.
All God's children have wings.



Yeah, well OK. It's a Survivor poem.

I need help with the title, because I hate it--either of them. I'll use it (one or both of them, as is) if I have to, but if someone better at titles wants to make a suggestion, I am like wholly listening.

And I don't exactly hate it, but I am bad with titles. So suggestions are welcome. Other comments, too, up to and including the ever-popular "your poem really sucks."

Because, of course, it does.

Danke.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Is this a form poem or poet's choice?

For titles I sometimes like to give a retort to the end of the poem. The all God's children got wings" was my favorite line. You might want to tie the title into that, so when the reader finishes, they think OH that was the reason for the title.

Made me think, swirly girl. How about simply "Wings"? A reference to both the birds around her and the song.

Lovely poem, pushkine.

 

[annaswirls]

Made me think, swirly girl. How about simply "Wings"? A reference to both the birds around her and the song.

Lovely poem, pushkine.

I was thinking something like "But not all are feathered"

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

I was thinking something like "But not all are feathered"

It's an enigma - it could be an illustrated poem using Lauren's link in the Triggers or it could be the trigger using the ols lady feeding the pigeons - both are present. Can't wait to see the finished work!

 

[annaswirls]

It's an enigma - it could be an illustrated poem using Lauren's link in the Triggers or it could be the trigger using the ols lady feeding the pigeons - both are present. Can't wait to see the finished work!

do you think the two of us should write it for him while he is away?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

do you think the two of us should write it for him while he is away?

I don't think I could improve it. When it comes down to it he has to feel good about the title or he'll have nightmares for weeks.

 

[annaswirls]

I don't think I could improve it. When it comes down to it he has to feel good about the title or he'll have nightmares for weeks.

hahah I know I couldn't improve it either, I just thought it was kind of fun playing with his poem while he was elsewhere, like playing with dad's magazines at a slumber party.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

hahah I know I couldn't improve it either, I just thought it was kind of fun playing with his poem while he was elsewhere, like playing with dad's magazines at a slumber party.

......or dragging out the sex toys? (I'm presuming they were Playboy rather than Time) Wicked girl!

 

[annaswirls]

......or dragging out the sex toys? (I'm presuming they were Playboy rather than Time) Wicked girl!

Have you been snooping in my father's closet?
(Pass the Christmas 1974 issue over here please)

Come on, just go change all of the line breaks. He won't mind.




or get your thesaurus and change a few words to show him what "sucks" really means, because none of his stuff Ever does.

 

[annaswirls]

for another day

Mardi Gras showed the way to
get the beads. Frightened, we
decided early to live without
your colored glass around our
necks.

We must have known
it is not the pen callus finger
clever phrase or easy smile
that pulls you in. Jokes of xylem and
phloem rising up stem,
sinking down to the square root
of seventy two
do not get you noticed.

Still if only we believed
if only if only they would look
in a little further, lean a little closer,
they might fall
right into us.

But now here I sway,
brush up against you
as the bus slow as the train jars
to a stop I feel you harden at my hip
level press my lips together
over come this shyness
my gaze strings you
scalp to ankle.

I pink
and coo
low-cut and leaning in a little too far for modesty
as you ask me for directions,
I flutter, lean a little too far into "Yes
yes, I will wear your beads."

 

[annaswirls]

his is no secret
this is me, identity one
you tell me
you want to be truthful, that you have not been
in the past
which past?
whch lines?
which snowfall and pulled strings
that open blouse and tear touches were lies

this is me
identity one
signing in wondering what crime
do you want to see the files?
the notes the letters
blind, blind love is
snowfall beauty over eyes
crystal glitter crush
which is true?
who are you?
you are no carpet
I am no saint
reality is a cup of soap
open wide

 

[annaswirls]

I don't believe in your
original sin this thing
that sticks like tar heel gravel
try to scrape it
just picks up more
dead grass, carpet fiber

now I find myself
painted into a corner
with Miss Jennifer Tilly
step stool chunky heel
stands tip toe looks me in the eye
You know, what women really want is
the unavailable man.
Easy in, easy out
shake the change from pockets
nothing to pick up.

 

[annaswirls]

Honeybees

Tar on white Keds
I walk our country road,
head down.

It is summer.
All my friends live in town.
Swimming in the community pool
in their skinny suits,
feathered hair. The boys
buy them frozen Snickers
and pretzel sticks.

Talking.
Talking about people.

I did not notice him
until he was right in front of me.
A rebel sophomore.

He asked me if I had seen a swarm of bees.
Bees? No.
Oh, they escaped.

He turned and walked my way,
off road and down to the meadow.
"You a freshman?"
Yeah.

Peeling bark from sycamore sticks
his eyes were shy,
looked away when he spoke.

I thought. This could be it.
This could be where I belong.
But he never stopped by like I thought
he would.

Three days later
my best friend called.
In a nearly condescending voice
Your almost boyfriend?
Shot himself.
In the head.

Dead?
Who would care for the bees?
They escaped.

 

[annaswirls]

redone

 

[annaswirls]

double double

 

[annaswirls]

"Floor time therapy"

red block blue block
green green blue
repeat in rows
squares only! if I had more
I could get three topped
on these four sides counting by
nickles 5,10, 15, 20, 25, 30
counting by sides 20, 40, 60, 80, 100

five finger count touch count
red blue green green blue
mother-lady does not understand
hands me a rectangle
"No square no square!"
I insist.

mother-lady does not understand
hands me a dinosaur, No
no no!
She makes it walk on my wall
sing song voice "here I come,
I'm walking on the wall, walking
on the wall! Alex make dino walk on wall?"

she interrupts my math
my five count color time
I can't stop it goes in circles up the line
red blue green green blue____then the red comesback
starts it over three on one side two
then up one red again, how long
could this go on tower to ceiling
if only if only

mother lady hands me a yellow square
"Go away go away go away!"
She stays, she always stays.
eye water distorts her face
I dry it off with my sleeve
it is right again.
mother lady mother lady
leave me peace.
red blue green green blue red blue green green blue red

she sneezes. a blue square falls from her head
how did she know I needed blue?
laughter! then she sneezes again, red falls down
I line it up, look up, waiting for her
to drop the green. waiting for us to drop the green

 

[annaswirls]

before "what happened? happened


remember when he first learned
how to escape his crib
we'd be watching X-files
and hear his footsteps move from carpet to tile
first to appear, fingers on the doorframe
then the lean around bright eyed peek!
open mouth smile
not at all sleepy
he'd come running to us
up to the the sofa
up between us
before

before he stopped calling for us
before he stopped looking
around corners for us
back before he sunk under
unfocused stare, spinning
always spinning, running
always running away