Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[annaswirls]

Wow, I am not saying this to kiss up, but this is a lovely poem! It has a more indirect way of saying things that adds poetic flair. I also like how you use rhyme without using it all of the time, it makes it seem unforced, natural, genuine. Well done!

I like "I've seen what you sometimes don't
when you look in the mirror"

Beauty

Eye of beholders and where you see it
The wonder of her presence
The glow when her hair, by the sunlight, is hit
Both inside and out, the skin and the soul
I've seen it in you. I've seen it grow
I've seen what you sometimes don't
when you look in the mirror.
I've see what you can't. Is it fear or
Is it the eye rarely sees? This line could be more clear. "The" eye could be any eye-- I think you mean when a person sees themselves with their own eyes.
Into the person we know we can be.
I've seen though
The person you are
I know your flaws
The Rose petals, I've felt your claws.
I'm still here to let you know
The beauty on the skin and below

 

[annaswirls]

here is one of mine that did not get comments, please if you feel up to it, share.

Not sure this is worth its ink, but I need practice in editing anyway.

I lost my voice in a race horse side track
calling the numbers down
calling the numbers down we ride
up from the stands we ride.

I want a room with a door
no view necessary
it's already here behind closed eyes:

the rain
the race track
the promise that I would not curse your footprints
only your grave.​

Yet still you walk the earth
surely you do, I would have heard
the caller cry
seen the torn ticket fall.

But I won't wait.
Your ghost has the same chance of hearing the lies
as your thick lens glasses do of reading this
you son of a bitch
no, you never loved me
or anything but that soft sad space you press
when you are feeling sorry for yourself.

Maybe you love us for giving you reason to grump about
while pawning memories of your semi-hard cock
forcing itself anywhere it could fit.

Chasing the flag
my drink spills on the seat
cranky old man mutters his curse
and moves down.

 

[annaswirls]

another one posted about the same time you posted yours

You must know you are losing me
I slipped out
when you fell asleep at the wheel.

Waving to rigs and hybrids
B-mers and vans
they signal with flashers,
big hands, cell phone cameras.

Three miles back
prerequisite compliments
of poetry and mothering were delivered.
Three miles back they lied
about their wives
and to their girlfriends
texting to say
Meeting running late. Sorry.

You must know
he already found us a room,
transferred funds you must know
the market by now. The supply,
the demand. You must know the hands
that pull me are constant.

Do you not feel the wind of the open door?
Boxing ring biceps and broken bicuspids
darling even your feet are beautiful
but you must know by now
your gloves have no grip
you already lost me.

 

[annaswirls]

one last one you might want to comment on if you have the time

New Title

New bike, Christmas red

In no time the bike will wear the same
rust and faded stickers
of those lined up outside Goodwill.
But don't talk to me about depreciation
on Christmas morning.
I know under ribbons
it needs to be new.


New with the belief that this time it will be different.
This time, I will take care, bring it in the garage,
keep the chain greased in faith that this time
handle bars will always steer home,
bell clear my lover it is you it is you it
has always been you, only you

Paint scratch lies penciled notes in pocket
we cruise new car smell, wet
behind and between every story aware,
every answer Yes Cherry red promises
lip to cheek you do not count my scars
I do not wonder who dented your fender
we move tall four climbing
under ribbon
we still shine.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

here is one of mine that did not get comments, please if you feel up to it, share.

I could have sworn you said "........if you feel it up". I was sat here thinking how do you feel up a poem?!

 

[annaswirls]

I could have sworn you said "........if you feel it up". I was sat here thinking how do you feel up a poem?!

it has to be a very special poem

 

[bflagsst]

jan neruda to annaswir

Of the three I think this one has the most potential for excellence.

I didn't like the beginning much, I like from here:

"Three miles back
prerequisite compliments
of poetry and mothering were delivered.
Three miles back they lied
about their wives
and to their girlfriends
texting to say
Meeting running late. Sorry." <--I didn't much like this last line, I think you can come up with something more biting, or possibly serene. I kept thinking rondeau for some reason.

this next passage is gorgeous and should be left as is, even if you have to write a new poem around it:

"You must know
he already found us a room,
transferred funds you must know
the market by now. The supply,
the demand. You must know the hands
that pull me are constant."

These next three lines are strong, but as a whole the stanza isn't as strong as the last two, and it only thinly refers to the previous stanza(the heart of the poem as I understand.)

"Do you not feel the wind of the open door?
Boxing ring biceps and broken bicuspids
darling even your feet are beautiful
but you must know by now
your gloves have no grip
you already lost me." <---again this isn't the line to let up on, something more elegantly biting or serene.

 

[IAboy]

You must know
he already found us a room,
transferred funds you must know
the market by now. The supply,
the demand. You must know the hands
that pull me are constant.

Do you not feel the wind of the open door?
Boxing ring biceps and broken bicuspids
darling even your feet are beautiful
but you must know by now
your gloves have no grip
you already lost me.


These are my favorite lines in your poem. It's resolution shines through. I can feel the person letting go as much as the person she's talking to seems to already have.

I liked all three. The third one was my favorite. All were very well written in my estimation. You have serious talent

 

[IAboy]

BTW.... You ass is distracting to me.... In a good way.....

 

[IAboy]

The first poem you wrote seems to have come from a very dark place. It's very personal in nature. Too depressing for my tastes, but then again, I did like it. I agree that the second one is your best. Hope this helps you.

 

[annaswirls]

BTW.... You ass is distracting to me.... In a good way.....

oh rats, that is not MY ass. My ass did not even look that good when I was 20.

I took down my ass last night. It was too embarrassing. I got Ashley's ass up there now, glad you like it.


okay now that is my ass not too distracting unless you are a little closer, or a lot closer

 

[annaswirls]

Thank you very much! I really do appreciate other writer's perspectives. I write for myself, but I edit for others. Thank you for the help! I like how you recommend something more biting or serene. It might seem contradictory, but it makes perfect sense. Something. With more.

Of the three I think this one has the most potential for excellence.

I didn't like the beginning much, I like from here:

"Three miles back
prerequisite compliments
of poetry and mothering were delivered.
Three miles back they lied
about their wives
and to their girlfriends
texting to say
Meeting running late. Sorry." <--I didn't much like this last line, I think you can come up with something more biting, or possibly serene. I kept thinking rondeau for some reason.

this next passage is gorgeous and should be left as is, even if you have to write a new poem around it:

"You must know
he already found us a room,
transferred funds you must know
the market by now. The supply,
the demand. You must know the hands
that pull me are constant."

These next three lines are strong, but as a whole the stanza isn't as strong as the last two, and it only thinly refers to the previous stanza(the heart of the poem as I understand.)

"Do you not feel the wind of the open door?
Boxing ring biceps and broken bicuspids
darling even your feet are beautiful
but you must know by now
your gloves have no grip
you already lost me." <---again this isn't the line to let up on, something more elegantly biting or serene.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

have you written your frecking poem yet?

 

[annaswirls]

It really does help me! As I said above, I write for myself but I edit for you, decide what to post because of what people respond to.

The first one was depressing and a little mean, I agree!

oh rats, the baby is awake! Gotta run, but THANK YOU!

false alarm, he went back to sleep! Time to Tanka!

The first poem you wrote seems to have come from a very dark place. It's very personal in nature. Too depressing for my tastes, but then again, I did like it. I agree that the second one is your best. Hope this helps you.

 

[annaswirls]

have you written your frecking poem yet?

hhahha!!!!! No. Spank me. My ass is right there waiting for someone to whip it into gear.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Don't think you'd like my hands they're manicured

 

[annaswirls]

Don't think you'd like my hands they're manicured

oh I LOVE girls with manicured hands. It drives me crazy. I think I even wrote a poem about Eve's fingernails. I just don't like guys who like girls with manicured hands.

hahah

oh wait, I like them too

I am an equal opportunity liker.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

oh I LOVE girls with manicured hands. It drives me crazy. I think I even wrote a poem about Eve's fingernails. I just don't like guys who like girls with manicured hands.

hahah

oh wait, I like them too

I am an equal opportunity liker.

Like this ?

 

[annaswirls]

Like this ?

I am scared.

And I am writing a Tanka as a speck of dust. Have been thinking about it for a while....so it moves...

 

[annaswirls]

Raptors, dust specks, lovers : Tanka Trial 1

At the whim of air
I rise, no thoughts for the fall
or threat of gray rains.
I have heard love is this way
To fly, open wide, let go.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I was trying to do the Ghazal and knew exactly what I wanted to say but the bit that's sposed to ryhme was being difficult I mean to say have you ever tried rhyming 'foreign' or 'distant'? it ain't esy

 

[annaswirls]

I was trying to do the Ghazal and knew exactly what I wanted to say but the bit that's sposed to ryhme was being difficult I mean to say have you ever tried rhyming 'foreign' or 'distant'? it ain't esy

put them in the beginning of the line

 

[IAboy]

It really does help me! As I said above, I write for myself but I edit for you, decide what to post because of what people respond to.

The first one was depressing and a little mean, I agree!

oh rats, the baby is awake! Gotta run, but THANK YOU!

false alarm, he went back to sleep! Time to Tanka!

Children


God's gift.... His curse
Our Hope... Our challenge
Deliver us to the future
Send us letters when you get there

Choose wisely my young ones
Have no fear of young ones
I love you more than you know
Laugh at yourself to stay sane
Do the Right thing always
Run.... Play... both in moderation
Enjoy Life... It's too short as it is
Nothing compares to the wonder of you


What do you think?

 

[IAboy]

BTW Anna.... You are a very beautiful woman... I mean that beyond the physical sense. Anyone who writes with such passion has a beautiful gift and nature to share with the world.

 

[annaswirls]

Beautiful sentiments here! I prefer a poem that has some specific actions, examples or representation as it were of the points made instead of laying out the points, but this is more of an advice poem, which is a different sort.

I like the line "Deliver us to the future" a nice play on the Lord's Prayer.

It is a sweet poem filled with good advice, but some of it feels like it is made up of lines you have heard before. I do not mean to be ugly about it, just the feel I got.

I highlighted the lines that work the best. I think it would be awesome if you took those two lines and run with them. Do a cut/paste and write a new poem with those two lines as your core.

And this is not an insult, I do it all of the time, write and write and write and keep two lines, maybe one.

Children


God's gift.... His curse
Our Hope... Our challenge
Deliver us to the future
Send us letters when you get there

Choose wisely my young ones
Have no fear of young ones
I love you more than you know
Laugh at yourself to stay sane
Do the Right thing always
Run.... Play... both in moderation
Enjoy Life... It's too short as it is
Nothing compares to the wonder of you


What do you think?