Polyrelationship troubles...

[shahla_rose]

She is topping from the bottom if you ask me... and from what I can see he is letting her.

It has to do with storage of the stuff in the room. We had already talked about getting a small storage space for the stuff but had no real plans for the room other than putting in a spanking bench and maybe a cross. So I don't understand the issues seeing as we would still have space.

 

[rida]

She is topping from the bottom if you ask me... and from what I can see he is letting her.

It has to do with storage of the stuff in the room. We had already talked about getting a small storage space for the stuff but had no real plans for the room other than putting in a spanking bench and maybe a cross. So I don't understand the issues seeing as we would still have space.

I'll say she is topping from the top, and she is getting away with it.
Topping from the bottom has a bit more of a subtle feel to it.

 

[SweetErika]

She is topping from the bottom if you ask me... and from what I can see he is letting her.

It has to do with storage of the stuff in the room. We had already talked about getting a small storage space for the stuff but had no real plans for the room other than putting in a spanking bench and maybe a cross. So I don't understand the issues seeing as we would still have space.

Apart from communicating about it, you may have to stand your ground on not sleeping on the couch. Can you ask for a meeting to discuss this and very calmly, clearly say why sleeping on the couch is not going to work for you any longer, then ask if you can all put your heads together and come up with some solutions? At that time, you could have some fair solutions/suggestions ready.

But then you can't just volunteer to sleep on the couch because you don't want your dom to sleep there. You've got to take that option off the table. It's one thing if he orders you to sleep there (and of course you can decide if you really want to be in a relationship that includes poor sleep most/all nights and a dom who's not invested in your welfare in this way), but by volunteering, you're enabling the poor behavior (by both of them, in my opinion).

 

[Etoile]

The alpha/beta thing isn't really feasible; I too have never heard of this being successful. I'm also not keen on the "sister sub" thing. It sounds good on paper but it's hard to put into practice; I have heard of this working, though. And while primary/secondary is VERY common in a poly relationship, living in the same house would make things difficult, and it's asking for trouble IMHO.

 

[Betticus]

This is just me and probably totally off the wall but ....

She's upset that TWO people getting into bed is waking her up or that just having more than one other person in the bed is waking her.

Everyone has concentrated on the relationship and communication, some good ideas and advice has come out but knowing that a change of some sort is needed why not..

Change the way she's being awakened. I recall that a good friend of mine way back in high school used to have a very hard time waking up in the morning so his mom, being tired of having to keep going back and waking him up found a better way. She got a bag of large marbles and put them in the freezer, when he wasn't getting up she'd throw those marbles into bed with him. Marbles, bring round roll so when he'd try to get away from them some of them would follow him as he made a "dent" in the bed where the weight was.

So just wake her ass up with something frozen or a stun gun or air horn... Then she's awake when you all get into bed.

No more being awakened by people getting into bed, no more problem.

 

[Netzach]

So, who's the dominant there?

I think this is a case of putting the live together cart before the how's this triad horse?

 

[Zoots_owner]

I think this is a case of putting the live together cart before the how's this triad horse?

Yeah. Been there, done that, spent 6 or 7 years afterwards figuring out all the reasons why it failed as spectacularly as it did. Ultimately it was a territoriality issue, just like this, and I could either resolve it by trying to force one sub or the other to fight their nature and their gut feelings, or I could blow it up and move on.

I did the latter. Standing between fighting subs is stress that I don't need, and I doubt that it would ever have gotten much better.

I've never known anyone who had permanent status as a secondary, where that was required to be their exclusive relationship, who was happy about it in the long term. Don't let that happen to you.

 

[FurryFury]

With the limited information we've gotten it sounds to me as if she is not and never has been 100% on board for a polyrelationship.

It sounds like she was there first.

It sounds like she is the bread winner and/or owns the house.

I'm afraid change might be coming for your relationship.

 

[Homburg]

I think this is a case of putting the live together cart before the how's this triad horse?

Yeah, sounds like it to me too. This is a big reason why I was okay with the delay in having MIS move in. I figured the time we are spending with visits and such is good prep for that step.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

So much good advice here but really...

I think I'll keep my yap shut.

 

[ivantheterrible]

she is making him choose. the victorian era christian mindset that many people today, especially in america, have been socialized on do not do well in a poly relationship. mine mine mine. people get jealous, etc.. even with love.
my soon to be ex-wife told me that i can't love some one else. that only she can be in my heart. why can't there be lots of room for anyone i want to love?
i can not stand jealousy. it is an ugly monster that should be killed and thrown away forever.

 

[Etoile]

My sociology class discussed polyamory on Wednesday. If I'd been laughing out loud, I would have busted a gut. I had to laugh in my head to be polite. Keep in mind that this class has a 19-year-old member who never heard of hermaphrodites, and a 30-something member who never heard the word "dyke" before. So these people are not real in tune with alternative stuff. But it was hilarious. One guy insisted that being poly was "animalistic" - when the teacher called him on that, the guy said "maybe primal is a better word." The teacher said uh, no, not really! The guy was all up on the harem thing, and he said he thought poly wasn't appropriate because it was confusing to children, when they go to school they won't have the same parents as everybody else, so they'll be confused. I said "so you're saying gays shouldn't have kids either? Because THAT is also different from their peers and would be confusing." He protested but that was totally what he said. Man, it was a riot that day!

</hijack>

 

[ivantheterrible]

some people just don't get it, do they? love is an encompassing thing.
like i told wolfgirl one day when she was going through major confusion about guys wanting to chain her down.
i held out my hand and told her to put her hand on top of mine.
i did not hold her hand. i let it lay there. i told her, this is love. and then i gripped her hand. and i told her, this is not love.

 

[ivantheterrible]

as some of you know i am separated from my wife and it boils down to me being able to have an open heart. she can't deal with it due to her MAJOR christian upbringing.
she told me, she'd never let another person into her heart again.
i thought, that is so sad. and i hope you change your mind one day. change it for possiblities of the future for someone who can love you as you wish to be loved.
all love is true love. some people will never fathom that.

 

[SweetGigi]

Shahla, will you be at the whippersnappers demo/play party this Saturday? If so, mebbe we can sit down and chat some about things.

*pats back*

 

[Kathykitten]

With the limited information we've gotten it sounds to me as if she is not and never has been 100% on board for a polyrelationship.

It sounds like she was there first.

It sounds like she is the bread winner and/or owns the house.

I'm afraid change might be coming for your relationship.

This is exactly what I thought to.

The woman who goes to bed early can't be 100 % open or ready for a poly yet, she has to be confronted with this so you can either start working on it, or cut the ties. It will only get worse.

 

[CutieMouse]

she is making him choose. the victorian era christian mindset that many people today, especially in america, have been socialized on do not do well in a poly relationship. mine mine mine. people get jealous, etc.. even with love.
my soon to be ex-wife told me that i can't love some one else. that only she can be in my heart. why can't there be lots of room for anyone i want to love?
i can not stand jealousy. it is an ugly monster that should be killed and thrown away forever.

some people just don't get it, do they? love is an encompassing thing.
like i told wolfgirl one day when she was going through major confusion about guys wanting to chain her down.
i held out my hand and told her to put her hand on top of mine.
i did not hold her hand. i let it lay there. i told her, this is love. and then i gripped her hand. and i told her, this is not love.

No offense, but I have to call bullshit on this. I *do* get it, I'm just not all that polyamorous. It doesn't mean I'm incapable of seeing love as an [sometimes all] encompassing thing, or that my ability to love is limited, or I cling desperately to some religious definition of man+woman blahblahblah.

The OP is in a poorly functioning unhealthy triad. Guess what? The free love of polyamory does not make one's relationship all roses and daffodils, nor does it make one's relationship any less likely to suffer the slings and arrows of a poor match/poor communication/poor whateverness.

 

[ivantheterrible]

i feel sorry for you cutiemouse.
love IS all encompassing, no matter how fucked up the individual is.
until you realize this, i pity you.
put your hand out. lay it in mine. i will not grip it, or restrict you. and i will still love you.

 

[Primalex]

why can't there be lots of room for anyone i want to love?

And can they love anyone they want, too?

In my experience, people who express this point of view this way change their mind very fast when it's the other way around. And yes, I'm familiar with "Stranger in a strange land.", too.

 

[BiBunny]

And can they love anyone they want, too?

In my experience, people who express this point of view this way change their mind very fast when it's the other way around. And yes, I'm familiar with "Stranger in a strange land.", too.

Haha, yes. I honestly don't give a shit if the people I'm involved with are involved with others, but I've found that a lot of people (particularly men) act like they're ok with me being with more than one person until they're confronted with it head-on. Then, all of a sudden, it ain't ok anymore, even though it's ok if they do it. Funny that.

 

[Netzach]

Haha, yes. I honestly don't give a shit if the people I'm involved with are involved with others, but I've found that a lot of people (particularly men) act like they're ok with me being with more than one person until they're confronted with it head-on. Then, all of a sudden, it ain't ok anymore, even though it's ok if they do it. Funny that.

I don't have this problem but I'm pretty ruthless about it. Those who cannot deal are long since by the wayside.

And jealous/not is happily replaced with OTHER relational dysfunction making no relationship ideal based on whether it's poly or not. Lay your hand in that.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't have this problem but I'm pretty ruthless about it. Those who cannot deal are long since by the wayside.

I've started doing that myself. Life's too short for bullshit.

And jealous/not is happily replaced with OTHER relational dysfunction making no relationship ideal based on whether it's poly or not.

Yep.

 

[myinnerslut]

My sociology class discussed polyamory on Wednesday. If I'd been laughing out loud, I would have busted a gut. I had to laugh in my head to be polite. Keep in mind that this class has a 19-year-old member who never heard of hermaphrodites, and a 30-something member who never heard the word "dyke" before. So these people are not real in tune with alternative stuff. But it was hilarious. One guy insisted that being poly was "animalistic" - when the teacher called him on that, the guy said "maybe primal is a better word." The teacher said uh, no, not really! The guy was all up on the harem thing, and he said he thought poly wasn't appropriate because it was confusing to children, when they go to school they won't have the same parents as everybody else, so they'll be confused. I said "so you're saying gays shouldn't have kids either? Because THAT is also different from their peers and would be confusing." He protested but that was totally what he said. Man, it was a riot that day!

</hijack>

i would have LOVED to be in that class that day

as is, this was the topic of conversation at breakfast the other day with some non kinky friends who are unaware of my proclivities. it was hilarious.

 

[ivantheterrible]

And can they love anyone they want, too?

In my experience, people who express this point of view this way change their mind very fast when it's the other way around. And yes, I'm familiar with "Stranger in a strange land.", too.

and you are sorely mistaken. when you accept, and KNOW love is all encompassing, then you will know.
it means getting rid of your own inferority and superiority complexes. then you learn to grow.

 

[Netzach]

I have to say that it's actually not more work for me. It's work with different people but it's not like when I had one relationship I was smooth sailing and now I'm pulling teeth.

Actually it's much more work to be something you are not with one person, than something you are, with three.