PYL "Thought of the Day" calendar 2005

[catalina_francisco]

January 29

To build on this point, our behaviors and attitudes are also derived by our experiences. How we view our world is largely based on where we have been, what we have experienced and how we have learned.


To that end, "power" in and of itself is a word that had negative connotations for me. Hence, I approach any discussions and my relationship with scooter, very cautiously, with much care and concern for both of us.

Power can be taken without consent. Manipulation, the use of fear to control another, the use of violence are just a few examples of this.

I am beginning to believe that devotion begets power, whether it is false or non consensual devotion as mentioned above, or devotion derived by choice, need or *gasp* even love.

How any of us interprate BDSM, D/s or any of hte components of this lifestyle is also built, in a large part on our life experiences. So, dissenting opinons must exist.

How I am living my life may not be what fulfills the needs of any of my friends, nor should it. How I integrate BDSM into our relationship is likely to vary from any other poster here and in fact, varies from any relatinship I have ever had.

And in thought, devotion is what seems to be driving us. Devotion combined with need, combined with respect appear to motivate the power exchange between us.

MissTaken

 

[catalina_francisco]

january 30

Take the Theology department of my Alma Mater, a catholic university. Most of the department consisted of Jesuit Priests, the younger of which tend to be neo-liberal and the older of which tend to be ultra-conservative. They all have a theological root in Catholicism though, and are loyal to it. So you might imagine that the Proffessor of Muslim Studies would be an Uncle Tom of the Arab world. Quite the oppposite, they intentionally hired a professor with very different ideas. Maybe JUST so they could have someone to argue with, but probably because they know this guy is damn smart and is shifting the debate and opening the marketplace of ideas, even if no one prays 5 times a day with him.

Marquis

 

[catalina_francisco]

january 31

I didn't take Netzach's statement to mean that one should fake experience, but that they should wear an air of confidence that they might not have earned yet... and wear it proudly. In context, if memory serves, she was saying that being newly dominant was much like stepping into a new skin, one that did not fit perfectly at first, but was grown into.

In that context, I thought her statement was an invaluable bit of perspective. I'm fairly new to the lifestyle and could relate to some of the inner turmoil of being a beginner, yet still feeling the pressure of maintaining whatever trust/responsibility was placed on my shoulders. Catalina said it nicely when she made the point that we all have to start somewhere. How many submissives do you think would be lining up for a quivering, quaking newbie Dominant? Not many, I presume.

There are times that the next step is not obvious to a new Dominant and to maintain their status as the Dominant party they fake it, as opposed to halting a scene and hem-hawing around about what an experienced Dominant might do. I've read enough to make my eyes bleed, but the confidence of book-knowledge flew right out the door the second my flogger touched her skin. From there on out, I was operating on gut-instinct, communication and my overall responsibility to the scene. Other than that, I was faking it. Since then... not so much.

~Despina
Despina

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 1

Good masochistic girls do it for me. I don't think masochism is linked to good or badness. It just is.

Bad girls piss me off in a non sexy way. I will never ever beat a SAM. I ignore them. I don't reward bad behavior. A good pyl who doesn't get all sammy at me and asks to be beaten gives my nice sadistic warm fuzzies and I'm always happy to comply.

Some PYL's do get off on the power struggle; and I sort of understand that. I've done scenes that were not really roleplay, but I've told the partner to fight back. Make me work for it. That undercurrent of non-consent, of some sort of struggle is very arousing. My twisted side also likes the anxiety a good girl gets when she's trying to reconcile her desires with the angel on her shoulder. It's so good to watch the emotions in her eyes, on her face, when her libido is arguing with her "good girls don't" voice. Also, bad girls usually aren't afraid enough for me. A bad girl will say inside "Hurt me, I want it, I deserve it." and dare me to push her limits. A good girl will think "Hurt me, I want hit, it scares the snot out of me." and wonder if I'm going to push it. (Usually, that's a yes, too.)

I wonder though, for those of us that switched. I started out as a submissive type bottom, and I distinctly remember not be sammy, per se, but definitely being a bad girl! Yet I prefer my subs to be "good". I wonder how many switches, either active, or post switch prefer the opposite of their subbie style? How many of us prefer the same? And the same question for those that started on top. Are the type of pyl that you as a PYL preferred? Or are you the opposite?

blue kat

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 2

If you can't

* communicate your desires, to include the edges that make you heady and panicky,
* negotiate with a little common sense when needed rather than assume your partner can read your mind,
* and bail when you get exactly what you implied you wanted,

you have no business in a BDSM relationship. Period.

AngelicAssassin

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 3

Ah, ok, you weren't who I thought you were. I like the cut of your jib, however.

That song has a groove that could only properly be called humping. They simply don't make bass-guitar-drums rock and roll with that nasty, spermy, slimey HUMPING grind anymore. Condoms should be issued with that song. It will get you pregnant!

rosco rathbone

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 4

I actually posted to this subject a few years back. My girlfriend and I, seniors in high school at the time, skipped class and spent the day at her house. I always had to be in control when the proverbial lights went out. That day though, she was acting a bit feisty, and I warned her that I'd take her over my lap and spank her if she didn't calm down. It was all in fun at that time, but it begot a pervert. After that, I not only wanted to be in control, I LOVED spanking that bottom too

Soron

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 5

It should be as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable. Keep in mind that you may never feel comfortable with a given Dom, and it isn't your fault. I was watching an episode of sex and the city once where one of the main characters (I can never remember their names) was trying to set up two of her gay friends. The more desirable of the two was offended by her selection and when she exclaimed that she thought they would be a good match he said, "Why, cause I'm gay and he's gay?" Get it?

Marquis

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 6

His power is his seductive charm, how he was able to sugarcoat doing what he wanted when he wanted, so that there was an appearance of benefit to doing as he wished. A Dominant with no power of seduction is pretty screwed, a Dominant with no charm in the eyes of the sub is going to sink, because - in my experience - positive reinforcement is always going to be the more powerful and more effective of options.

Netzach

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 7

I think this can be true, but I don't know that it's that all-encompassing. My situation, for instance, finds me with a sub that is ten years my senior. I'd say she's more mature than I am in some aspects, less so in others. I'd even be willing to go so far as to say that some of what attracts her to me is that I'm less mature about some things.

What empowers her trust, respect and deepening of the relationship is that I follow through when I say I'm going to. Part of that is maturity. Most of it, I think, is being responsible. Responsible for not hurting her unduly, pushing the envelopes of our interests, and maintaining the trust/respect I've earned throughout. Does being responsible lend toward maturity? Sure. Is my maturity what makes her kneel time and again? *shakes Magic 8 Ball* 'Don't Count On It'.

Despina

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 8

You can be too nice. If you ask someone every 10 seconds if they're okay -- not because you seriously doubt they're okay but because you want to assure them that you're completely open to them NOT being okay since you're so inexperienced and new at this and after all we're all just equals here and your thoughts and desires are every bit as important at every instant as mine are and it's my obligation to check in with you just in case you're unsatisfied or unsure or.......You've just alerted them to the idea that maybe they're really NOT okay and you've completely abdicated your authority.

This says to the subordinate party that they shouldn't trust your authority because you don't trust your authority.


-B
bridgeburner

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 9

Whoa ... hold on - yes, it can be sexual, it often is, but it is NOT only about sex. Not to mention that D/s does not equal "bondage and S&M" - take it from someone who lives it day in and day out. It is NOT all about sex. It is about a power exchange, and if you are really a submissive, then you need to get that into your head (both of them) right now.

SweetDommes

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 10

This paragraph seems to be describing masochistic tendencies. If someone likes receiving pain and physical torture, then that person is called a masochist. Someone who enjoys inflicting pain on another person is called a sadist.

Mr Blonde

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 11

Incidently, I knew I had a ways to go but I thought I had gotten past all of this. Once it got deeper things where there that I didnt know I still had to address. We are both learning and we are both teaching. The friendship and communication is the windows into each other and we can see what the cause is of our feelings and be there for each other.

TigerClaw

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 12

I was in a very good, fun, loving relationship with a vanilla man for 7 years and it almost killed both of us and resulted in my doing the only things I truly regret.

I'm not proud of that, but it definitely taught me that I need some form of BDSM in my relationships, and I never wanted to be in that position again as long as I lived. So I don't date outside the perv.

Now, mismatched libidos are always going to be dealt with, and M's level of D/s and mine are different, though I do believe they dovetail well as long as I can have a slave or heavy maso at any given time to take some of the heat off him. Basically, the rest of it can be worked around. I mean, we've been pretty much vanilla for the last few months as I've dealt with some health things -- it's hard to weild your leather while you can't get out of bed, but I still feel served, I still feel adored, I still feel cherished and I have NO doubt about loyalty, dedication, and willingness to work without reward from the person I care about most.

But I knew that I needed a man who was submissive and aware of a sexually submissive desire (not just needing a push or a book to read) I knew I needed a man who was bi, and I knew I needed a man who was poly to the point of almost no jealousy in order for me to want to commit to that guy and be a unit. While I love women, I also know that women and I tend to make very shitty units, also.

I can't describe what level or how low SM things could drop to before I'd leave-- there would have to be serious and global problems of a vast nature on the whole for that to happen with M, but if he woke up one day and said "put away your gear, I hate that shit" I'd have to go. It's what I'm about and it's who I am and that's never going to change, although I would wish it would if that were to happen. I can't think of something that makes me feel more vulnerable, actually.

I just know that I could not be with anyone where an appreciation for fetish and BDSM wasn't on their menu. I'd bore the living shit out of them in a minute.

Netzach

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 13

I have never cut, but I have mutilated myself in the past and I know it has been during times of serious depression. I also tend to put myself in dangerous situations; get into fights I know I cannot win or take crazy risks with my health when I am depressed. We do these things to make ourselves feel more alive, but if we don't stop and ask ourselves why we need to prove it at all, we may end up proving our darkest suspicion true. That we are not alive at all

Marquis

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 14

In any event, pain from despair doesn't have a place in my interpretation of BDSM. Pain used for pleasure, to entice the senses, does. But that is MY way...it may not be yours or anyone else's.

Self mutilation is not, in and of itself, a mental illness, nor is anyone suggesting that. However, self mutilation CAN be a symptom of mental illness, especially in the form of depression.

Self mutilation and pain CAN be a source of intense pleasure.

This is a very grey area for discussion. The lines cross quite easily. There are NO definites, templates, or universal codes concerning what Etoile refers to as SI.

MissTaken

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 15

Last, and the sharpest razor to walk, if this partner enjoys the pain, would you be doing him a disservice to deny him? If all he wants is a little spice, i'd venture you won't cause him any more damage than his parent already inflicted. The best thing for the two of you, and i hear the choir tuning up for this oft repeated phrase, requires you to sit down and speak frankly to one another about his desire. Get it all out in the open. Neither of you will second guess the intent or agenda behind the other's actions after that long talk.

AngelicAssassin

 

[catalina_francisco]

February 16

Wands can burn, but it was probably the preasure play that you experienced. And, yes, if there are any metal inserts, a wand is going to send that current through that metal. Not a good thing to do, to sensitive nipple tissue.

A wand will burn, at high settings and when the current is condenced into a small pin like contact. You can brand someone, if you know what you're doing. The current from the wand is localized in the thin metal attachment, and that consentrates all of the current to one spot.

Older wands do have a wax core. They will be damaged, if you use them for very long at a time. The tesla coil inside will melt the wax and allow the places that shouldn't be making contact inside make contact. That will ruin the unit.

Some of the globes can do similar things, like the rack or the mushroom. they are smaller than the larger globes and so the current will be hotter at the same settings. Still, though, I would guess you weren't burned by the wand. I say that, not being there, when you were doing what you were doing. Nipple tissue is sensitive, and it is possible to consentrate the current with certain attachments. But, the body will absorb a lot of the current.

Wands are static current, and are the safest current to use for electroplay. TENS usnits are DC or AC units and because there is a clip attached to the body part, burning can be easier, with long periods of play. A wand will be less likely to burn, because the current sort of jumps around, unless you actually touch the body with the wand attachment or globe. If you're a hard core player, it might be possible to get tissue burns that way, with the wand at high settings.

Oersonally, I like to use the body probe attachment mine came with. It's just a metal plate that must be attached to either the sub or the Dom. Then, my finger can be the shocking device or my tongue, or maybe a kitchen knife. I know of someone who used a butter knife and acted like it was a sharp knife. The current was localised at the edge (the point of contact with the skin) and left a slight birn mark all around her neck. It was gone in a day or so, but she said it was an intense feeling. She said it felt like a real knife cutting her. Of course, that's only her thoughts. I've never tried it myself.

You can purchase wands on the Internet. I got mine from The Huse brothers. They aren't cheap. Mine was over $400, but I've had thousands of dollars of fun. I think theiy still sell them. Look at www.violetwand.org for info

DVS

 

[Mr Blonde]

February 17

Risk adversity is rarely discussed as a point of compatibility when matching Doms and subs. Maybe it's something that should be paid closer attention to.

Marquis

 

[Mr Blonde]

February 18

I have been going through a similar situation with a tranny who I actually met and liked very much but his continual need to talk about himself and his transformation simply became a bore. When he asked if he could come back to serve Me I declined...too self serving to serve!

Shadowsdream

 

[Mr Blonde]

Febraury 19

As long as the comments are given at an appropriate occasion, it is helpful when my girlfriend shares her fantasies. Much of the time it is based on reality or things like "last night made me think of this" which are part of the normal progression of a relationship. In my failed relationships, some women's suggestions did begin to feel like impertinent impositions or otherwise made it clear we weren't compatible.

Mr Blonde