Question about rape

[SweetErika]

so would women agree on this that women fantasize about "being taken" as oppose to being brutally raped? I mean there is a difference, when a woman is "taken" like in the movies they always resist at the end but end up enjoying it, and rape-like I have to tell you- the woman resists as much as possible the entire time.

You'd have to ask the women you're involved with, but I'd say 99.9% of women don't fantasize about rape, though many have non-consent/reluctance-type fantasies. I think enjoyment is the main factor. Ask almost any rape survivor if they attach any enjoyment to the experience, and you'll hear 'no' across the board.

FYI, many women don't resist during a rape, apart from voicing their desire for it to stop. I know that doesn't seem logical, but we don't react logically when we're in that kind of situation. Some fight the whole time, but many freeze because they're afraid of making it worse or are in complete shock. I'm correcting you on this because "Why didn't I fight (harder) during?" is a common question and source of a lot of guilt for many survivors, and it can be harmful to perpetuate the idea that there's a right way to act in that situation.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I'm guessing your gf, and most women who say they have "rape fantasies," just don't know what else to call them, nor have they considered the true meaning of what they're saying.

You're absolutely right. It's the term "rape" I guess that throws me. I know its not meant to, but it almost feels to me that the term Rape Fantasy removes some of the seriousness of what rape really means. I know that no one intends for that to be the case, it's just my reaction to it, I guess.

 

[fgarvb1]

ok, my question is this: most of the time when I cyber with a girl and ask her what her ultimate fantasy is, its that she wants to be raped by a guy or a group of guys, is this something most women fantasize about? and if so, why? It just seems quite strange to me

Life is strange. Females fantasize more I think because the reality of those actions carry a lot more weight for them than us.


As best as I can remember here is a conversation between myself and one of my girlfriends many years ago.


strange is as strange does.

................................................................................................................................

“I want you to use me.”

After the Pepsi spew and coughing fit.

“Excuse me, what did you say?”

“I want you fuck my mouth with out mercy as hard as you can… I want you to use me.”

“Um,Why?”

“G*****,I’m not sure I can explain it, I just want you to. Will you do that for me?”
………………………………………………………………………………………………
OK. I knew you had a few kinks but, DAMN. Does she know how that’s going to feel? What if I hurt her? Her teeth are sharp. I don’t need any more teeth scars that I already have. Still, she’s one my girlfriends and I like her a lot, she’s not drunk or on drugs. This will be interesting; I’ve never fucked a woman’s mouth like that before.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

“OK, I’ll do it, but let’s talk about this first…what brought this on like…now?”

“I don’t know, I thought about it all day long and I want YOU to use me like an object and I always wanted to be had that way.”

“R******, You realize this is going to hurt some right?”

“I don’t care. I want to do.it now”

She dropped to her knees…

………………………………………………………………………………………

She was serious. After we recovered we had some very tender lovemaking that night.

 

[SweetErika]

You're absolutely right. It's the term "rape" I guess that throws me. I know its not meant to, but it almost feels to me that the term Rape Fantasy removes some of the seriousness of what rape really means. I know that no one intends for that to be the case, it's just my reaction to it, I guess.

I couldn't agree more, TBK. It not only takes away from the seriousness, it could add a means of justification for rapists and problems for survivors who had/have NC/reluctance fantasies.

FWIW, Hubby would be traumatized by your type of experience as well.

 

[Etaski]

My favorite fantasy

Yeah, I traumatized my first lover, also aged 19, that way, too. I couldn't explain it well enough...poor guy.

People covered the biggies I feel:

1. Release of control (I control my real life, dammit, my body, my health. Let no one try to hurt me, I'll shoot him! But in the bedroom with someone I trust....you know how nice it is to be able to relinquish control once in a while?)

2. Overwhelming desire (he just couldn't help himself, I was so sexy, he simply had to have me....)

3. Release without guilt!! (In my head, I'm controlling everything. There is no danger. Therefore, I can have happen all the fucked up shit that good girls aren't supposed to think about. I can be an animal, and enjoy it, and it isn't my fault. I was forced...)

Oh, and someone mentioned the fantasy as being a sign she's uncomfortable with the strength of her sexual desire? *polite chuckle* No, perhaps not. I myself am quite comfortable with it, but I have to interact with people everyday, right? I can't let it out; it's my fellow humans who would be uncomfortable---unless they did the same. Society wouldn't accept it, and it would have huge negative impacts on my life; it's impractical. Roleplaying with a trusted person behind closed doors...I can let it out!

I've never found a good phrase that doesn't confuse somebody. "Force fantasy" is my current one; sure...masked, handsome, strong, disease-free, non-psycho fantasy man is using force...guess, what? So am I!


I don't know even now if you can understand this, but it's widely fantasized among women, and for very similar reasons. Not every man can get into it; the poor gent I traumatized never felt the urge the 2.5 years I was with him. My hubby, however, takes it as a sign that he can be an animal, too, and he trusts me on it. That's all I can say.

 

[TBKahuna123]

My hubby, however, takes it as a sign that he can be an animal, too, and he trusts me on it. That's all I can say.

I said it before on a thread about rough sex, when sex is at it's most primal and animalistic, it is the ultimate study in trust. You have to physically trust your partner that even though they are giving into their most primal insticts, that they will not injur you. Also, by allowing yourself to release all inhibitions you are trusting your partner not to judge you, thus you don't have to worry what they will think of you afterward. The only way to be totally free of inhibitions is to have total trust in your partner.

 

[Munachi]

i think one distinction taht needs to be made is also that of phantasies that someone would like to try out one day, and phantasies that are just that. when i masturbate i imagine things that i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, much less on myself. interestingly (maybe out of a weird superstitious fear of that else i might make it happen for real one day) i imagine settings i am sure not to ever be in (i.e. fantasy worlds, other times, or me being someone i am not really)... the things that i phantasize about that i would like to try are a lot less violent, and of course have the important factor there that they would have to be pretend, with someone i in fact know and trust...

um... i think the problem with calling it rape phantasies, or pretend rape or something like that, has to do with that it is difficult to find an appropiate term. but i do see the difficulties with that term...

as for poor traumatized guys that are asked to do that - well probably as traumatizing as it is at first for a girl to realize she has these fantasies, and since she doesn't know that a lot of other girls have them to, she starts wondering if there is something wrong with her, if she is sick in her mind - especially if she makes the mistake of mentioning it to a guy and he reacts like she is crazy... hehe...

 

[SweetErika]

as for poor traumatized guys that are asked to do that - well probably as traumatizing as it is at first for a girl to realize she has these fantasies, and since she doesn't know that a lot of other girls have them to, she starts wondering if there is something wrong with her, if she is sick in her mind - especially if she makes the mistake of mentioning it to a guy and he reacts like she is crazy... hehe...

I don't think there's too much of a problem with, "I want to act out a rape fantasy with you," though some people could interpret it as the desire for a real rape. "I want you to rape me," would scare more partners, IMO, because one of the messages that could be extracted from it is, 'I think you're capable of rape/I see you as a potential rapist.' For a partner who's very against rape and sensitive to others, I'm guessing that'd be a pretty scary thing to hear and a real mood killer.

But, I agree that it can be tough to find a suitable term to describe these fantasies, and am sure some women don't know using the word rape in conjunction with sex has the potential to be offensive. It took me a long time to come up with descriptions that fit my own fantasies.

 

[Munachi]

well maybe it has to do with where you are from and how much of a chance you have to discuss sexual fantasies openly, but for me it took until i was at least 20 or older before i realized this is a quite common and normal fantasy. so traumatic is maybe the wrong word, but there was a time when it wasn't easy admitting to myself i have those fantasies, because it made me think i am weird.

 

[TBKahuna123]

as for poor traumatized guys that are asked to do that - well probably as traumatizing as it is at first for a girl to realize she has these fantasies, and since she doesn't know that a lot of other girls have them to, she starts wondering if there is something wrong with her, if she is sick in her mind - especially if she makes the mistake of mentioning it to a guy and he reacts like she is crazy... hehe...

I'd agree with that. I think in MY case, this was a girl who had had sex before, but was still inexperienced. You know how it is, guys who just stick it in and that's it. So she has all these fantasies and desires and doesn't know how to equate them with sexuality, so all she knows when she thinks of rough sex is rape. At least that's how it turned out when we talked through it. I guess I never really thought about it as you put it though, that maybe she not being experienced in matters of sexuality, was freaked out by those desires.

 

[stageleft]

observation

i once had a g/f who incorporated the fantasy into role play.she had some old dresses to throw out & she loved to put them on & have me rip & tear them off her & ragage her to pieces.
this once advanced where we went deep into a quiet wood & i ripped one of her old dresses off & ravaged her in a deep pile of leaves.

 

[Chicklet]

Just to note that I always refer to my fantasies as "ravishment" fantasies - sounds so much more romantic than "rape." - has a lot of the same aspects, in my head, but without the dirty things that I really seriously honestly would NEVER want to incorporate into my sexlife.

mmm... ravishment.