Question about the BDSM lifestyle?

[_Necrosomantic_]

Holy Jesus Jumped Up Christmas Shit

Would Santa ( or whatever cultural personification of the holiday season you subscribe to ) please do us all a solid, and limit your repeated walls of text to one post per thread?

This is the “ BDSM Talk “ forum, not “ Nezhul’s self indulgent, pretentious, pointlessly long winded, baby’s first advice column “ forum. Any valid points you’ve made are being lost behind the fact that you’re baselessly speculating, putting words in other people’s mouths, and getting pissy that you’re being called out on it.

NEWSFLASH cupcake, not every opinion is yours and despite what you obviously think, not everyone is talking to you.

Every thread on this board has at least a couple of your giant shit posts that everyone skips over because you say a lot of nothing or regurgitate the same things ad nauseam. I know you think you’re a writer or whatever, but these are message boards, you don’t have to answer every question in the form of a novella.

So either try to be more concise and realize that people can speak for themselves, or get used to being called out for wasting everybody’s time. adrienne2242, Cookie, Farawyn, and Hisarpy can speak for themselves, know what they mean when they say it, and are quite capable of elaborating on their points without your dumbass interpretations. Or ( and here’s a novel fucking idea ) you could start your OWN thread, there you could blather on with yourself as much as you want and anyone who gives a shit could come look and agree and feed your ego and blah blah extremely drawn out blah, then maybe you wouldn’t feel the need to cock up legit ones with these tl;dr eyesores.

We get it, you’re a big fan of yourself and think you’re profound. Well, hate to break it to ya roaster baws, but not everyone is and you’re not.

Happy Hanukkah

 

[Miles Long]

Good luck, OP! (If you’re still out there.)

 

[Nezhul]

You think, you say, you believe. Yet you, like myself, know nothing except what the OP put here for us to read. At least I read all of it.

Talk about writing a novel...

Yes, that's why I discuss both possibilities in my posts.

You are only telling her to break up and find someone else. You are very easy when it comes to giving such advices.

_Necrosomantic_
Cry me a river.
My posts aren't meant for you to read and enjoy. They are most often meant for the OP or the person who asks questions. And more often than not, those people thank me for it.

You hate walls of text because you come here for entertainment. People who come here to solve a problem or to get an advice - appreciate a detailed advice at least as much as a one-liner. I enjoy reading long answers if it's MY problem in discussion.

Maybe the people in question KNOW what they are talking about, but they are often either talking shit that they wouldn't have advised to their daughters - yet it's easy to tell a faceless person on the net something like "Break up". OR they are so vague and short in their answers so the real point gets lost in translation.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

_Necrosomantic_
Cry me a river.
My posts aren't meant for you to read and enjoy. They are most often meant for the OP or the person who asks questions. And more often than not, those people thank me for it..

Cry you a river about what? That doesn’t make sense in context of anything I said.
No shit your posts aren’t meant to be enjoyed, they’re overly long, tedious, and nothing anyone hasn’t said already in a quarter of the space.

You hate walls of text because you come here for entertainment. People who come here to solve a problem or to get an advice - appreciate a detailed advice at least as much as a one-liner. I enjoy reading long answers if it's MY problem in discussions.

First, don’t presume to know shit about why I’m here, you’re just going to make yourself look stupid. Second, detailed advice isn’t the issue. You have put words in other people’s mouths more than once in this thread, acted as if you have enough insight to answer on OP’s behalf without even waiting for them to respond, then copped an attitude when it was pointed out, and highjacked this thread ( and others ) with unnecessarily long posts that ramble and repeat themselves. What you like doesn’t factor into anything here, what the hell are you even talking about?

Maybe the people in question KNOW what they are talking about, but they are often either talking shit that they wouldn't have advised to their daughters - yet it's easy to tell a faceless person on the net something like "Break up". OR they are so vague and short in their answers so the real point gets lost in translation.

I’m assuming this is supposed to be pointed in some way, but I don’t care. Telling someone to leave a potentially damaging relationship that failed once because of past traumas and an inability for both to compromise isn’t “ talking shit “, it’s logic, and nobody claimed it would be easy. They just put it in plain words. Whats more likely to lose focus or interest, a short sentence or paragraph, or a seven to ten paragraph road map that repeats itself and basically tells the OP that she should just suck it up and do it anyway, because her not liking how it triggers past traumas she’s suffered isn’t a good enough reason to avoid a potentially damaging experience. She just doesn’t know enough. That’s awful advice.

Here

First, let me side with other posters. Forcing yourself to do something you feel bad about - is not a good recipe for a healthy relationship. If it's completely a turn-off for you - you shouldn't try to "endure" it.
On the other hand I can understand your man. Kinky desires are for many of us not something we can just turn off and forget. I can, but even I would find myself regretful about not having this outlet for my fantasies. Again, this is not a healthy thing to do - to sacrifice your dreams and desires for a relationship.
See, no matter what, if either of you sacrifice too much on that field - it's a point of strain and stress in your relationship. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it will be that much easier for it to tear apart and rip to pieces if there's already a point of tension.
I don't say it's bound to fail. If your attraction is strong enough - nothing will stand in the way of love and one of you will sacrifice his sexual preferences and still be happy.

1. I agree with everyone else.
2. Don’t force yourself, it’s bad for you.
3. If he can’t turn it off, it’s a bad idea.
4. It’s not healthy to sacrifice your dreams and desires.
5. But fuck all that, all these giant neon red flags mean nothing.
6. See, if you’re worthy enough, he’ll agree to put his desires on the shelf and take part in a relationship in which something that was important enough to you to break up over it once before, would go unfulfilled. I see no down side to this.
7. Or, you could just close your eyes, think of England, and resign yourself to being with someone who is not a match for you and possibly risk reinforcing some already bad experiences and trust issues by forcing yourself to put your emotions on the shelf and “ suck it up “. No way that could go south.

And what’s extra disgusting

Now, let's get to the other part. It is sometimes possible to change yourself -snip-

Noooooope.
Stopped reading right there.
I’ll put this as plainly as I can
If you have to change yourself to be with someone or make them love you, then you should not be with that particular individual!
Fundamentally altering parts of who you are, forcing you to put aside your own feelings or beliefs, or pretending to be something you’re not, are all things only someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck about you would expect you to do. Period. No discussion. End of fucking list.
The fact that you so casually suggested that is both offensive and quite revealing. Bravo. I know you went on to back pedal and say not to “ endure “ anything, but that’s exactly what you go on to suggest. At great length. Repeatedly. Jesus. Stop.

 

[MeekMe]

I used to date this guy who is into bdsm, I didn't know he was into it when we got together. I stayed with him anyway hoping that he would drop the lifestyle. He didn't and a year and 1/2 later we broke up because I am not into it and couldn't let myself do that stuff because I have been abused in the past and I just can't see myself wearing a collar or calling him master like I'm a dog. My problem is that we are still good friends and I still love him very much and would like to get back together with him. I have a huge trust issue as far as men are concerned and I just don't know if I can bring myself to do those kinds of things just to be with him. Is there anything I can do to be able to accept the lifestyle so I can be with him?

Typically, if you aren’t into it, you just aren’t. Trying to force it just tends to cause problems so you normally wouldn’t find people telling you to change. This forum especially doesn’t usually give advice towards kinky people wanting to find ways to change their non-kinky partners. We know they wouldn’t appreciate someone wanting them to stop enjoying their kinks and don’t think it’s a great idea to try and convince or coerce. This goes both ways.

People are even less likely to suggest you try to squeeze yourself into a box that could be potentially harmful to your mental health given your past abuse and what little info there is to go on.

If you’re having trust issues, things get trickier. Trust is kind of a big deal when it comes to power exchange. Ask yourself some questions, no need to answer here. Is this someone I could (eventually) trust to have control over some things in my life? Are the things he requires in his relationship possibly harmful to my mental health? If it turns out I can’t get into it no matter how hard I try, can I walk away without trying to change him?

I don’t recommend doing things you don’t want to do, but I don’t see the harm in you getting some info. Not all relationships under the BDSM umbrella are the same, here’s a thread to show off different ways people do it: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1123391

I’m only putting that one here because I thinks it’s important you understand that it’s not all collars and calling people master.

 

[Nezhul]

Stopped reading right there.

You are stupid.
If you think that "not reading something" is an argument that makes you look superior - it only makes you laughable, because you knowingly walk into an argument without posessing the information. If I have already game an answer to your arguments in the part you "didn't read" - then you are just making yourself look like a yapping dog.

If you have to change yourself to be with someone or make them love you, then you should not be with that particular individual!

If you need to change to make them love you - maybe. But if you already love each other, but there's a big hurdle in the way - then it's either you need to change yourself or them.
You can't say that a relationship is ruined because of one mismatch, and you both should just stick your love in your asses and go your separate ways.

In this particular case - no one said he doesn't love her. The only thing said is that it's hard for him to change and it's hard for her to change. They clearly have feelings, if they went back together after all this time - and you are just shitting on those feelings by over-simplifying the situation.

I will tell you just the same I told to HisArpy.
It's not your fucking place to decide what the OP wants and what is good for her.
It's not your place to decide if it is a good idea to try and restore the relationship.
You know NOTHING about the relationship in question. Thus you can't make a judgment that you are hypocritically making.
It's not your place to fill in the gaps in her posts and assume how the situation really is. If you are unsure - ask. Or answer with consideration to many possibilities. There is a real possibility that he loves her deeply and they broke up because she was too nervous about his kinks. Now she had time to think and went back.
Now, I'm not saying it's true, I don't assume shit, like you do. But brushing this possibility away and just shitting all over other people's situation as if you are a god - it makes me sick.

It's NOT YOUR LIFE. Get over your ego on this matter.
OP has decided to seek advice about getting into BDSM. She didn't ask you to evaluate her life and basically call her stupid for trying to redeem her love!
You are a douchebag.

And your attempts at trolling, which was the majority of your post, only making you look pathetic.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

You are stupid.
If you think that "not reading something" is an argument that makes you look superior - it only makes you laughable, because you knowingly walk into an argument without posessing the information. If I have already game an answer to your arguments in the part you "didn't read" - then you are just making yourself look like a yapping dog.

-snipped- blah blah we all get it.

For fuck’s sake, reading comprehension. I obviously read the whole post, but once you “ advised “ OP that she needed to suck it up or “ change “ in order to make it work, it rendered everything else you said as invalid.

I love how you haven’t once addressed the fact that you put words in other people’s mouths multiple times here and have simply refused to shut up and fuck off, in favor of getting cunty with everyone because your pride would get wounded if you had to admit to being wrong. Your poor attempts at pointing the finger at everyone else for “ shitting on their feelings “ only illustrates a complete lack of self awareness, you have told someone who was abused in the past and triggered by the idea of doing these things, to do them anyway IF SHE LOVES HIM ENOUGH. I’m not paraphrasing, that is exactly what you said.

You contradict yourself constantly, depose yourself for days, and pretend to have some great insight over everyone else when, not to long ago, I saw you admit in a thread that you had no real experience in any of this. Who the fuck are you to hand out advice to ANYONE about anything. You hover in here pouncing on any question asked with these giant, empty posts that read like stereo instructions and are obviously written by someone who has read one too many stories and decided they think they fucking know something. You’re a narrow minded, ignorant, pompous, callow, and misogynistic fucking child, who’s advice is repetitive, condescending, and greatly retarded in both execution and substance. So cute that you accuse me of having an ego when all I ( or anyone else has for that matter ) said, is that OP should not be a part of a relationship that has ended once already for the same reason, as opposed to forcing herself to be a part of something that could be potentially harmful. No one is overriding OP’s emotions here other than you with your terribly advice, you fucking twat, get over yourself and stop deflecting. You’re wrong. Deal with it.

 

[Blue]

[...]

If you're planning to invade Russia, try not to make the same mistake that Charles II, Napoleon and Hitler made and pack some winter clothes.

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

If you're planning to invade Russia, try not to make the same mistake that Charles II, Napoleon and Hitler made and pack some winter clothes.

I’ll make sure I stop by our allies and stock up

 

[Nezhul]

you have told someone who was abused in the past and triggered by the idea of doing these things, to do them anyway IF SHE LOVES HIM ENOUGH.

Can you provide a quote where I have said that?

 

[Farawyn]

That was the implication. If you werent saying that, what were you saying?

I don’t think anyone should change for anyone else, solely. If you want to quit smoking for someone, or something like that, that’s different than changing who you are.
Yes, you can learn to compromise, but that’s not the same thing.

OP, how are things going?

 

[Nezhul]

That was the implication. If you werent saying that, what were you saying?

So, I'm putting words in your mouth, huh?
If you can't quote, you are just full of bullshit.
You meant that you support Hitler and are a racist by that sentence. No? But clearly it was implied, right? I can see the hidden meaning behind your words, don't try to deny it!
Ahem. Quote please, or it doesn't count.

I was saying, in short thesises that you can understand:
1) There is a conflict of interest regarding BDSM
2) One of the partners will have to change, if this relationship is to work. Either he lets go of his kinks, or she finds interest in them.
2.1) From the fairness and equality point of view, both changes are equally harmful to the one who makes them. She has been abused, has her reasons. He has a kinky mind, and sacrificing that while possible would be a huge pain for him.
3) OP wants to make it work. She wants that relationship. Not your place to discuss that or judge her.
4) OP made a decision to find out more about BDSM, in order to see if she can make a change.
4.1) And it is equally possible that BDSM will forever remain a scary turn-off for her, as well as that upon researching and talking it through she can find interest in it that would satisfy both HER and HIM.
5) I straight away tell her that the probability of this working is very low. I come back to it several times.
6) BUT, if she made up her mind - then by all means, I encourage her to try. There's nothing bad in at least researching.
7) And then I tell her how she could start with this research, or how she could make getting into BDSM less stressful.

I don't know where you are getting the implication that she NEEDS to change herself IF SHE LOVES HIM. I mean, Where? Show me the fuck WHERE I said anything that was even remotely like that? That could be read as an implication that her love is not true unless she forces ehrself into BDSM.

You are so full of shit.
It's just the same as how you read the OP posts. She says one thing, but in your head you draw a juicy picture of something that you have imagined, and then operate as if it was a fact.
Now you ahve taken your personal hate towards me and in your head are painting whatever I say black - filling the picture in and then becoming apalled and offended of the terrible things I'm saying.
Now that's just stupid.

 

[Farawyn]

I didn’t even read anything after your childish made up rules and Hitler. Very Trumpian.

Have fun boring and alienating people, loser.

 

[Farawyn]

OP, how are things going?

*bump*

 

[Nezhul]

Oh, so stating that I said some atrocities is totally fine. But demanding you to quote the words that at least "imply", as you say - bah! That's childish! We all know that no proof is needed to tell someone said something else!

You are calling me a loser when you can't even defend your statement. You just blurt it out and hope it works. When you can't prove it - you move on to something else.

Also, again the "I didn't read" argument. I'm sooo smart and I'm right! So I'm just going to close my eyes tight, close my ears too, and pretend that no one found flaws in my logic! Weee!

 

[Farawyn]

Oh, so stating that I said some atrocities is totally fine. But demanding you to quote the words that at least "imply", as you say - bah! That's childish! We all know that no proof is needed to tell someone said something else!

You are calling me a loser when you can't even defend your statement. You just blurt it out and hope it works. When you can't prove it - you move on to something else.

Also, again the "I didn't read" argument. I'm sooo smart and I'm right! So I'm just going to close my eyes tight, close my ears too, and pretend that no one found flaws in my logic! Weee!

You think about me way too much.

 

[removed9556]

 

[HisArpy]

*snipped for brevity*

Here's a tidbit that might help lower your blood pressure if a self-imposed timeout isn't in your future. (Since lists seem to be the "thing" these days, I will let those so inclined to pretend I numbered it. )

The OP hasn't responded since you started your tirade.


Consider the ramifications of that as well as what was attempted to be achieved by the OP creating this thread asking for help and advice.

 

[Nezhul]

I'm thinking about the OP, actually, who gets advices like "Break up with him" from people who know so little of a situation that it's strange how such grim advices are even considered.

I mean, it's like:
"Hey, John called in ill today."
"Ok, time to start looking for a replacement for him, and someone call the widow with condolences."

 

[removed9556]

 

[Nezhul]

Here's a tidbit that might help lower your blood pressure if a self-imposed timeout isn't in your future.

The OP hasn't responded since you started your tirade.

She hasn't responded at all in this thread. In fact she hasn't been online since Dec. 22. AND she has one post - an opening post of tis thread.

CLEARLY you can blame this one on me, HisArpy. So smart of you to think of that

 

[removed9556]

 

[Nezhul]

Perhaps she's been kenneled.

I think she's just celebrating Christmas and is too busy to go and read a thread on a porn forum.

 

[Farawyn]

Perhaps she's been kenneled.

That’s fucking hot.

 

[HisArpy]

I'm thinking about the OP, actually, who gets advices like "Break up with him" from people who know so little of a situation that it's strange how such grim advices are even considered.

I mean, it's like:
"Hey, John called in ill today."
"Ok, time to start looking for a replacement for him, and someone call the widow with condolences."

Advice is advice and nothing more. That doesn't mean you have to agree with it. Or follow it.

We're all adults here (under the membership guidelines we should be anyway). That assumes that we are all competent enough to consider the advice we're given, apply it to our individual circumstances, and make choices unique to us that achieve our intended goals.