REALLY LONG STORY: What would you do in my situation?

[Stella_Omega]

OMG! couldnt believe i was reading that you allow someone to punish your wife and that she would put it up with it...in your situation i couldnt say but in your wifes id be like theres the door asshole take your friend with you

Yah, that's BDSM for you. All kinds of stuff you can't believe.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have a lot of questions in my mind about the whole situation you describe, but won't go into most. The thing which jumped out at me from the first post is your saying about your friend somehow assuming authority over your wife when you are not there, without your saying anything or giving him that right and permission, and you saying you still do not know how that happened but you are OK with it. I also get a feel from things you say that you have a lesser opinion of your wife/submissive than you do of your friend, and overall there seem to be many things you are not sure of or can't explain in terms of how arrangements and events have happened involving your friend, you and your wife.

I get the impression you pretty much can be swayed by your friend, and that he is comfortable manipulating the situation and you and pushing the boundaries in a way you keep moving the boundary based on his behaviour, not on what you initially thought was right and your decisions. This latest incident has seen you again move your boundary in terms of physical correction toward your wife by your friend. You say he has managed to live with you both for a significant amount of time rent free, and that you even paid for some of his studies, which makes me wonder further if he is someone you can trust completely and if your wife is totally safe with him when you are not around. Seems like he might be taking advantage of a situation and your generosity, and your relationship could be a casualty of the whole situation.

Catalina

 

[unknooown]

I appreciate the concern but it really is unnecessary. It's a really complex relationship that the three of us have. His part, beyond being our friend obviously, is being a tool to help me humiliate her. Before she and I even moved in together that's what he was. But if I had to label us now I would say I am the alpha, he is the beta, and she is my girl.

I would trust him with my life and with her life. And the way this arrangement came to be is hard to put into words because it progressed so naturally. That's why I say I don't know how it happened. He went from being just our friend and having no part in our D/s situation to him becoming basically someone to do my bidding. Again, we'd already been friends for years at the start of this, but I have a temper which was much much much worse when my wife and I first started dating, and he was a sort of buffer. This was a time that I didn't trust myself to be near her if I was angry. And she'd known me for years and witnessed my, what do you call it, mental unraveling, and she stood by me anyway. So if something happened that set me off I had him punish her because I didn't trust myself to do it safely.

I know, I/we should have just not punished her at all if I wasn't in my right mind. I know that, he knows that, she knows that. But that was five or six years ago and we've moved past it, and as I said I was crazy (and also coke-addled) and she was just good and patient enough to stay with me and help me be happy. She saved my life. So she is the most important person in the world to me -- more important than my parents, than my brothers, than any of my friends. I would die for her and I would kill for her. I love him too obviously, and I have given him a LOT of trust over the years.

In regard to the things I've done for him -- his parents never had a lot of money and I was (am) basically a trust fund kid. He (and my wife, like I said above) really helped me when I needed it in so many ways, sometimes just by sticking around and other times by interfering before I could hurt myself or someone else. Not that my parents were absent during this time but they didn't understand or see the immediate danger, and my friend and wife both did. This period began in my late teens and lasted until I was 22/23 and I was dangerous to be around and cruel and abusive toward him (and my wife, and everyone else) and still he didn't tell me to fuck off. So a couple years after I recovered, when his parents kicked him out of the house, I told him to move in with us and to stay as long as he needed. So it's not a one-sided relationship, I still owe him more than I've given him.

 

[njlauren]

interesting story, thanks for sharing. If your friend's role has evolved into a beta in your relationship I really suggest defining the boundaries of his role,making it more formalized. I think it will save you a lot of grief and also make him more at ease, since he will know what he can/can't do and so forth. You guys have a lot of history, and among other things by formalizing it more you IMO would be helping to protect your relationship as friends,by stopping a misunderstanding from blowing up.

 

[LauraWilling]

There is a lot of very good comments on here, but I have only seen one that sort of touched on what hit me immediately and that is why is someone who pays no rent, it appears basically, you support, is put in charge o your wife and the house when you are not present? I understand Dom and sub and all that goes with it. I am a sub and my husband owns me. We have friends (3) that have sort of carte blanche sexually with me. But they only have authority over me sexually. They also do not live with us and have their own homes.

I want to respect your situation as you know far more about it than I or anyone else here, but I really don't get that part and either your wife or he getting into a hitting argument over five minutes and a beer even with drinking problems. We don't have "rules" we live by in everyday life. We go by common courtesy and respect for each other and our friends.

If one of our friends hit me outside of a sexual scene, he would be gone before he could finish his swing. I'm Italian and first generation American, I still get overly excited when angry,and hands and arms making my points, but I don't hit people. I mostly get loud and then cry when all else fails. Sorry, I shouldn't joke about this. Hitting is unacceptable to me. I am trying to understand and mean no disrespect to you or your situation.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Laura, try reading his posts once again-- you'll find he's explained things pretty clearly.

Many people take D/s far past the bedroom doors. Me, I am not one of those people, and neither are you-- but they most certainly exist, and can be very happy and successful in their relationships.

 

[unknooown]

interesting story, thanks for sharing. If your friend's role has evolved into a beta in your relationship I really suggest defining the boundaries of his role,making it more formalized. I think it will save you a lot of grief and also make him more at ease, since he will know what he can/can't do and so forth. You guys have a lot of history, and among other things by formalizing it more you IMO would be helping to protect your relationship as friends,by stopping a misunderstanding from blowing up.

Thank you for the suggestion -- I followed your advice and sat both of them down this afternoon. He does seem more comfortable with clearly defined rules and boundaries.

I also want to address this:

I get the impression you pretty much can be swayed by your friend, and that he is comfortable manipulating the situation and you and pushing the boundaries in a way you keep moving the boundary based on his behaviour, not on what you initially thought was right and your decisions.

When I had him discipline her with the belt for breaking the drinking rule, it was as much a punishment for him as it was for her. I wasn't giving in to him. I know him and I know her -- she begs and/or cries when facing corporal punishment and he just doesn't have the heart to handle it. So when I said he had to wrangle her and pull her dress up and put her over his knee, it wasn't something he wanted to do at all. In fact I had to tell him to stop apologizing to her, and I had to correct his swings because he wasn't hitting her with force.

I came up with that knowing he wouldn't enjoy it. Swats on the ass here and there is one thing but actual discipline is another. If there was any doubt in his mind that I should handle the serious punishments it's gone now.

 

[spankmegirl23]

I think very great you take control in your house if she disobey and if hes the boss when you are not home and she hits him he should being to slap her behind,maybe he lied to make it not seem so bad on her,You have rules and if she breaks she knows what will happen very good,keeping her in line knowing she cant break rules but you had told him to have clothes on her when he does it but do you? if she breaks a rule.But takes alot to trust him to do something to her and if he dont want to makes it harder but shell know not to break the rules if thats what you do if she does.

 

[Primalex]

I think very great you take control in your house if she disobey and if hes the boss when you are not home and she hits him he should being to slap her behind,maybe he lied to make it not seem so bad on her,You have rules and if she breaks she knows what will happen very good,keeping her in line knowing she cant break rules but you had told him to have clothes on her when he does it but do you? if she breaks a rule.But takes alot to trust him to do something to her and if he dont want to makes it harder but shell know not to break the rules if thats what you do if she does.

Delete this crap and write it again in a way that is actually comprehensible.

 

[dougsan]

Odds of your wife staying around as long as your friend, whom you have given power over her, stays around are about 100 to 1. She married you and only you. She fucks you and only you. She answers to you based on an agreement you and she have. Where in hell is the room for an after the fact buddy? If he assumes a role equal to your wife's -- is subserviant completely to you and never has authority over his equal, your wife -- maybe things will work out. If he is given a role equal to yours, as you state he has when you are away and the wife FULLY buys in then the odds go down to 90 to 1.

If any man hit my wife, as your buddy did, he would be out on his ass immediately. I don't care if my wife punched him.