Rip me to shreds!

[StillStunned]

You are obviously a more-than-competent writer, but I think you also have a tendency to overwrite, to hold your language to the light to admire its glittering facets. I do not share that fascination; I want to hear about the people in the story more than the places they visit or to admire the ... glitter.

If you're already good, how could you be better? I think the title you have given to this thread indicates that you are open to honest or even extensive criticism. Please don't take it the wrong way, 'cause I'll be merciless. Apologies in advance.

No need to apologise. This is the whole point of the thread. And thanks for your input: as I noted at the start, the snippet is from an attempt to be more descriptive than I usually am, and I'm struggling to find the right balance.

 

[Devinter]

The more I've been trying to figure out how to offer some assistance on the recent snippet, the more I realize that I also struggle with action scenes like the one presented. If I forward one of my unpublished ones, and I get some criticism on it, perhaps some of the knowledge can be useful even for your own work, @StillStunned ? And if not, at least I might learn something. The scene is also from a fantasy story:

(This is the opening scene to the chapter, and the first time these characters are introduced.)

The curved blade glimmered, starlight reflecting off the sharpened metal as it was drawn from its scabbard. Eiko was no warrior, but blood was owed. Her dark eyes - so full of venom - stared at the man nearly twice her size. The silver light cast across her features, painting her like a nocturnal ghost - her hair like flowing ink in the light drizzle. The rain made the footing slippery, and mud stained the young girl's boots.

"Where is the prophet?" she demanded to know as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. Her dress clung to her body, damp and uncomfortable, but the weather did little to extinguish the fiery determination in the eyes of the maiden. "Speak, or the sword of my ancestors shall take your life."

The large man scoffed, but Eiko saw the nervous twitch in his eye. A thick spear - tipped with iron that had surely tasted blood and ended life - was clutched firmly in his hands. Not only did he have the range advantage; he was also a seasoned legionnaire in service to House Chasserat, the black-and-red emblem of a bow with three notched arrows etched onto his breastplate. "How should I know?" he spat, stepping back and shielding his face from the drizzle. The marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector - showed clearly upon his palm. "Run home, little girl. Only misery awaits you should you be foolish enough to-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before she sprung, darting forward like an angry wildcat as the rain pelted down. The man instantly lunged at her in a futile attempt to counter-attack, but Eiko had him. A shout of pain escaped the veteran's throat as the blade pierced through his thigh, drawing a great spray of crimson drops into the air, painting both the ground and Eiko's dress red. Narrowly dodging another blow, she nimbly retreated out of reach of his weapon. Pounce, then fall back, using her dexterity and speed to her advantage. Just like her father taught her..

"Fucking wench!" the soldier screamed in fury as he fell down on one knee, gripping his wounded thigh and panting for breath. He never took his eyes off of her, glaring with murderous intent at the young girl.

"Speak," she commanded again. "Or this night will be your last."

 

[TheLobster]

Did a bit of editing on the piece:

The curved blade glimmered, starlight reflecting off the curved sharpened metal as it was drawn it slid from its scabbard. Eiko was no warrior but tonight, blood was owed. Her dark eyes - so full of venom - stared at the man nearly twice her size. The silver light cast across her features, painting her like a nocturnal ghost: - her hair like flowing ink in the light drizzle. The rain made the footing slippery, and mud stained the young girl's boots.

"Where is the prophet?" she demanded to know as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. Her dress clung to her body, damp and uncomfortable, but the weather elements did little to extinguish the fiery determination in the eyes of the maiden. "Speak, or the sword of my ancestors shall take your life."

The large man scoffed, but Eiko saw the nervous twitch in his eye. A thick spear - tipped with iron that had surely tasted blood and ended life - was he clutched firmly in his hands. Not only did he have the range advantage; he was also a seasoned legionnaire in service to House Chasserat, the black-and-red emblem of a bow with three notched arrows etched onto his breastplate. "How should I know?" he spat, stepping back and shielding his face from the drizzle. The marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector - showed clearly upon his palm. "Run home, little girl. Only misery awaits you should you be foolish enough to-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence before she sprung, darting forward like an angry wildcat as the rain pelted down. The man instantly lunged at her in a futile attempt to counter-attack, but Eiko had him. A shout of pain escaped the veteran's throat; as the blade pierced through his thigh, drawing a great spray of crimson drops mist into the air, staining painting both the ground and painting Eiko's dress red. Narrowly dodging another blow, she nimbly retreated out of reach of his weapon.
(paragraph break)
Pounce, then fall back, using use her dexterity and speed to her advantage. Just like her father taught her..

"Fucking wench!" the soldier screamed in fury as he fell down on one knee, gripping his wounded thigh and panting for breath. He never took his eyes off of her, glaring with murderous intent at the young girl.

"Speak," she commanded again, readying herself for another pounce. "Or this night will be your last."

Just a few extraneous words and some changes to make the flow better. Overall, I quite liked it.

 

[Devinter]

Did a bit of editing on the piece:

Just a few extraneous words and some changes to make the flow better. Overall, I quite liked it.

Thank you, Sir/Madame Lobster. I do have a bit of a reputation for being verbose, which is something I actually don't mind, but I can see how a few of those words are particularly unnecessary. I will be accepting some of your changes into the final product!

Amusingly, two of the corrections you made is actually reverting to the word choices I had in my earliest draft of this chapter opening; I changed "elements" to "weather" because of the word "fiery" following close behind, which is another element of sort in a fantasy setting. And I took out the word "mist" for "drops" because the word mists features very heavily shortly after this scene as they venture into the lands of House Mistmoore. Obviously, you could not have known that! Would "rubies" be far too extravagant of a word?

 

[shelleycat1]

Re: Devinter.
I tend to pick up on this stort of stuff, and it is your world. But, if starlight can gleam off a blade and the other colour is silvered hair, and it is raining, how do you see any colour? I have a vison of the protagonists, in a black and silver scene. The crimson just made me stop, and think about the lighting. Same for the etched emblem on the breastplate now I’m thinking about it.

Please don’t say elf eyes. The scene starts in monochrome as described.

 

[Devinter]

Re: Devinter.
I tend to pick up on this stort of stuff, and it is your world. But, if starlight can gleam off a blade and the other colour is silvered hair, and it is raining, how do you see any colour? I have a vison of the protagonists, in a black and silver scene. The crimson just made me stop, and think about the lighting. Same for the etched emblem on the breastplate now I’m thinking about it.

Please don’t say elf eyes. The scene starts in monochrome as described.

The elf eyes comment made me chuckle!

No, no elves. But it is set in a fantasy world, with bright stars that play a decently important part in the story. I won't go into it too much but they're connected to the pantheon of Gods, which are very much real and interacting with the world.

That being said, the scene is meant to be lit up by the stars and the moon, but otherwise set in the night time. In a scene not long after the battle, Eiko runs through a forest and with the thick canopy overhead it's dark enough that she has troubles seeing the roots and whatnot under her feet, and nearly tumbles to the ground. However, she doesn't require a lantern to not run into the trees themselves.

Even in the real world, the 'darkness' of the night varies greatly depending on where you live. In Sweden, where I am from, during the summer season you can see colours quite clearly at any hour of the day, even when it's quite cloudy. But in the dead of winter, at 5 in the afternoon, it's so dark outside you'll struggle to see the hand in front of your face.

 

[StillStunned]

The more I've been trying to figure out how to offer some assistance on the recent snippet, the more I realize that I also struggle with action scenes like the one presented. If I forward one of my unpublished ones, and I get some criticism on it, perhaps some of the knowledge can be useful even for your own work, @StillStunned ? And if not, at least I might learn something.

It's certainly faster than my scene. If mine was Hollywood, yours was Olympic fencing: one lunge and it's done.

starlight reflecting off the sharpened metal

Slightly related to what @shelleycat1 noted above, but if it's drizzling you're not going to see much starlight, and certainly not enough to reflect on a weapon, I think.

with three notched arrows etched onto his breastplate

Notched or nocked?

Her dress clung to her body, damp and uncomfortable, but the weather did little to extinguish the fiery determination in the eyes of the maiden.

I'd begin this sentence with "the maiden". You refer to she/her three times in the sentence before, and leaving this new descriptor until the end of this sentence makes it seems like it's referring to someone else.

The man instantly lunged at her in a futile attempt to counter-attack, but Eiko had him.

You might want to mention that his grip on the spear is a bit awkward. He had it in two hands to start, then raised one hand to his face to keep the rain off. So now he's trying (presumably) to bring that hand down to his weapon, but Eiko catches him at just the right moment.

Narrowly dodging another blow

The blow you refer to immediately before this is Eiko's, so you should specify "another blow from the spear" or something.

Other than these tiny quibbles, I enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

 

[Devinter]

It's certainly faster than my scene. If mine was Hollywood, yours was Olympic fencing: one lunge and it's done.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The scene doesn't technically end there - I just cut it short because I didn't want the snippet to be too lengthy. If you want to read the entire draft, you are more than welcome to do so, but it's quite convoluted and far from finished!

Slightly related to what @shelleycat1 noted above, but if it's drizzling you're not going to see much starlight, and certainly not enough to reflect on a weapon, I think.

Hmm. With two people making that same remark, I might have to change it after all. Perhaps it's too complicated; we envision things through the lens of the real world that we know, after all. Doesn't help that the world I created has four moons either, I assume?

Notched or nocked?

Oh! Good catch.

I'd begin this sentence with "the maiden". You refer to she/her three times in the sentence before, and leaving this new descriptor until the end of this sentence makes it seems like it's referring to someone else.

You might want to mention that his grip on the spear is a bit awkward. He had it in two hands to start, then raised one hand to his face to keep the rain off. So now he's trying (presumably) to bring that hand down to his weapon, but Eiko catches him at just the right moment.

The blow you refer to immediately before this is Eiko's, so you should specify "another blow from the spear" or something.

All great advice. Thank you, brethren. I can see this scene improving significantly already!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Notched or nocked?

Arrows are notched, but you nock it to the bow. If the end wasn't notched you wouldn't be able to nock it. One is a noun, the other a verb.
@Devinter

 

[Devinter]

Arrows are notched, but you nock it to the bow. If the end wasn't notched you wouldn't be able to nock it. One is a noun, the other a verb.
@Devinter

Thank you. I believe Nocked is the word I had intended to use. The symbol I had in mind was something like this one (stock photo below), although in my mind it was angled 90 degree's to left so the arrows pointed upwards.

 

[StillStunned]

Doesn't help that the world I created has four moons either, I assume?

Without the rest of the text it's difficult to judge whether this is necessary, but maybe include a line about "the silvery light of the moons and stars lending a nebulous glow to the damp air"?

Also, I assume that the "prophet" is the only person who understands the tides on a world with four moons...

 

[Devinter]

Without the rest of the text it's difficult to judge whether this is necessary, but maybe include a line about "the silvery light of the moons and stars lending a nebulous glow to the damp air"?

Hmm. Perhaps. On that note; as a reader, is it important to you to understand everything you come across in a story right away?

For example, there is this mention in my snippet of a "Marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector" on his palm. It's not explained right there and then what that means, or if it's important - and several similar mentions are made not long thereafter, including Eiko's own mark - but I circle back to it in the following chapter, allowing for greater understanding. Would something like that frustrate a lot of readers, you think? The world is too complicated (perhaps needlessly) that if I'd explain everything right away, there'd likely be too much exposition happening. I tend to favour a steady story flow.

Also, I assume that the "prophet" is the only person who understands the tides on a world with four moons...

... Probably. Doesn't help that there's actually more than one "prophet" either.

 

[StillStunned]

Hmm. Perhaps. On that note; as a reader, is it important to you to understand everything you come across in a story right away?

For example, there is this mention in my snippet of a "Marking of his Goddess, Danara - the protector" on his palm. It's not explained right there and then what that means, or if it's important - and several similar mentions are made not long thereafter, including Eiko's own mark - but I circle back to it in the following chapter, allowing for greater understanding. Would something like that frustrate a lot of readers, you think? The world is too complicated (perhaps needlessly) that if I'd explain everything right away, there'd likely be too much exposition happening. I tend to favour a steady story flow.

Definitely not in the case of the mark in the soldier's hand. But for something like the glow of four moons, something that affects how the reader pictures the scene in their mind, you might want to clarify it up front. It's immediate information, rather than background information, I think. And "the light of the four moons" won't slow down the narrative with exposition, where an explanation of Danara and her mark would.

 

[StillStunned]

My excerpt:

===

There’s a place in Spain where you can walk all day and never see another human being. Where your only companions are the snake gliding through the brush, the ibex clinging to the cliff, the eagle soaring overhead.

In case anyone is interested, or even remembers this snippet: I submitted the full story last night. Some of the feedback in this thread went into the final version. Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts!

ETA: It's scheduled for publication on Sunday.

 

[StillStunned]

And here it is: Upstream. A hiker finds a hidden slice of paradise.