Running in circles

[Essene]

Wait, now I'm lost. What is the main issue here? Is it the switching or poly or what?

 

[Homburg]

Incidentally, Mister Man says women care more about intimacy when it comes to fidelity, whereas men generally care about the physical - that pussy is mine and all that. I think this is some psych 101 thing he picked up.

This strikes me as accurate in our case. "v" is much more worried about the emotions I feel with a given partner than she is about what I do. Whereas I'm more concerned about my territory and claim than I am emotions on her part.

 

[Etoile]

Wait, now I'm lost. What is the main issue here? Is it the switching or poly or what?

I thought it was both. I thought he is trying to push her into poly so that he can be sub with other women, and she's not sure she wants to be poly or can accept him as a sub.

 

[Essene]

I thought it was both. I thought he is trying to push her into poly so that he can be sub with other women, and she's not sure she wants to be poly or can accept him as a sub.

Ahh okay. Yeah some folks just can't do poly, and I don't think you can just suck it up and deal because you'll just harbor resentment.

Hmm...

 

[alexanna]

I think the OP is probably bothered because she feels his submitting in general to all the other women in his life is a reflection on her. It means that she is so submissive and so gullible even a sub can trick her into thinking he's a Dom and she will submit to him. It means it doesn't even take a "real" Dom for her to submit.

Dominants have a right to be human too. They have a right to want to Dominate as a way to grow as people just as many of us submit to grow as people. Its very possible he didn't even know this was what he was doing. Obviously his perception is that the other women in his life are not submissive, not that he is not Dominant.

Personally if everyone is getting what they want out of the relationship it doesn't really matter. Maybe he really does have issues standing up to women in his life. Maybe the OP is helping him to work through those and she doesn't even know it. If she is growing as a submissive and he is growing as a Dominant and everyone is happy who really cares?

That's easy to say though and probably harder to practice. I do understand why the OP feels blindsided. The real question is as long as he is what you need him to be when he's with you does it really matter what he is to the rest of the world? You know if what is he with you is real or not. Don't tell me you can't tell. If it feels real when he is with you it is. You will know the next time you are with him if he is "role-playing" or not. If his domination of you is real then let it be real.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Applause for this entire thread, but particularly this:

Netzach:
She's free to have a problem She's free to leave because he's not a Dom in her eyes. My slaves are also free to walk because they can't cope with my excersising what I always maintained was my right from day 1. And I would say, even after 5 years with M who's not even a slave, and 3 years LDR with H, don't let the door hit you in the ass. Submit or don't.

Submit or don't. Submit or don't. I know it's positively insane, but honestly no one's doing me any favors - I'm not forcing anyone or doing any dances to convince anyone I'm a Domme if they don't think so. I just don't need to interact with them as their personal fantasy jackoff idol. Which is what the perpetually strict whip in hand heels on while I sleep fantasy is - I'm not that for anyone. I'm how I am, submit to it, or thanks, move along. Very simple, really.

She's entitled to be bummed out, she's entitled to move on - totally. But she's not entitled to hang around forever being a martyr and trying to control his sexuality with "but how can I feel about you how I did? Are you going to do it again? When, how shall I cope?" I don't think she's liable to do this, but I sure have seen it. She's not entitled to run around the community calling him a fake and a poseur because he's doing something she doesn't like - it's no different than discovering your Dom is really into something you just don't like in bed. Leave or assimilate.

I'm not saying assimilate immediately. Ask for help processing it, talk about your trouble with it, communicate, but don't communicate with no intent to submit or accept.

and this:

Etoile:
Whoa, wait a minute...is he pushing you into poly? And you're supposed to feel that as long as he does what you like to YOU, you're supposed to be accepting of being poly? No, no, and no. Whether or not someone can handle poly is even more deep-rooted than whether someone is submissive...it's a gut thing, you can't change your mind "for love" - I absolutely do NOT believe you can force someone into being poly. It's like a guilt trip..."if you loved me enough, you'd let me see other women." "If you really wanted to be my submissive, you'd accept that I see other women."

Very good points.

bijou

 

[Netzach]

without going in to to many details, he never lied to me. i knew about this other woman for all along. and the situation i mentioned with him and this other woman was a nonsexual thing. they were talking. but it was obvious by his body language and the stuff exchanged exactly which one wore the pants.

i thought it was pretty clear that i've never felt like he lied to me. but some of you have mentioned that i had an unrealistic idea of him and i think that is right on the money. and also, netzach mentioned that because it's an LDR, there are a lot of things we don't ever get to see about another person. i think this is very on the money for me too.

thank you, thank you and thank you all again. i'm doing lottsa soul seraching about this and your opinions have helped me lots.

Would it bug you if it was some dude friend of his who had him as much in his back pocket?

Cause that might get me annoyed, frankly. Not that he'd be in an SM "thing" with a partner, but that he was being nonsexually wussy to someone - that's annoying in a lover, period.

 

[intothewoods]

This strikes me as accurate in our case. "v" is much more worried about the emotions I feel with a given partner than she is about what I do. Whereas I'm more concerned about my territory and claim than I am emotions on her part.

It drives me slightly bonkers at times, in the abstract, but of course I also get off on the manly man thing. At least he's not threatened by bottoms getting off with me, it's just a Top thing. And I get that on the one hand, but also, we have a relationship. I can foresee a situation where I might want a scary PYL to do something to me. He's not scary in that way. He's basically my boyfriend. But I'm relaxed about it. As long as he's open to checking out the scene and exploring it with me, which he is, I'm happy. If he shuts down and refuses to discuss something, I would have a problem. Thankfully, he's not douche-ey like that. Hurrah!

 

[Homburg]

It drives me slightly bonkers at times, in the abstract, but of course I also get off on the manly man thing. At least he's not threatened by bottoms getting off with me, it's just a Top thing. And I get that on the one hand, but also, we have a relationship. I can foresee a situation where I might want a scary PYL to do something to me. He's not scary in that way. He's basically my boyfriend. But I'm relaxed about it. As long as he's open to checking out the scene and exploring it with me, which he is, I'm happy. If he shuts down and refuses to discuss something, I would have a problem. Thankfully, he's not douche-ey like that. Hurrah!

It makes me widgey a bit too. It's an issue that is bouncing around right now. Not sure how to get it straight either. Complex.

And I haven't decided if I'm scary or not. I've had te same person describe as scary in one breath, and 'big ole teddy bear' in the next. Multiple people. I don't get it.

 

[EmpressFi]

It makes me widgey a bit too. It's an issue that is bouncing around right now. Not sure how to get it straight either. Complex.

And I haven't decided if I'm scary or not. I've had te same person describe as scary in one breath, and 'big ole teddy bear' in the next. Multiple people. I don't get it.

I can see where your scowl, your presence, could be scary to some. But after getting to know you, I know you're like Malin, a giant, formidable presence that I wouldnt want to anger.. but inside, a big, caring, teddy bear.

 

[Homburg]

I can see where your scowl, your presence, could be scary to some. But after getting to know you, I know you're like Malin, a giant, formidable presence that I wouldnt want to anger.. but inside, a big, caring, teddy bear.

Malin is definitely bigger than I am

 

[intothewoods]

It makes me widgey a bit too. It's an issue that is bouncing around right now. Not sure how to get it straight either. Complex.

Um, it's just a vagina? That's what I say.

And I haven't decided if I'm scary or not. I've had te same person describe as scary in one breath, and 'big ole teddy bear' in the next. Multiple people. I don't get it.

I'm not afraid, except in the general don't know you in real life way, which applies to everyone.

 

[Homburg]

Um, it's just a vagina? That's what I say.

Well, yeah, but...

I'm not afraid, except in the general don't know you in real life way, which applies to everyone.

Considering that my presence in your life amounts to text and the occassional picture posted here, I'd hope you aren't scared =P

 

[intothewoods]

Well, yeah, but...

I know, I know. Believe me.

Considering that my presence in your life amounts to text and the occassional picture posted here, I'd hope you aren't scared =P

Your av is slightly...ominous.

 

[Homburg]

I know, I know. Believe me.

Oh, I believe you. It's other people...

Your av is slightly...ominous.

Pfft, it's cute. Just ask the vile people around here that keep attaching that annoying descriptor to me.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Ha!

Yup.

And I'm totally stalking you now and your big sexy brain.

You too?.... Aren't we all!

*giggle*

 

[DeservingBitch]

Pfft, it's cute. Just ask the vile people around here that keep attaching that annoying descriptor to me.

Very cute indeed.

 

[Homburg]

Very cute indeed.

=/

......

See what I mean? Vile people. Eeeevil.

 

[EmpressFi]

=/

......

See what I mean? Vile people. Eeeevil.

Methinks you doth protest too much.... cutie.. /smirk

 

[BeachGurl2]

It seems like many (Doms, subs, switches, and non-kinky people alike) try to find someone they can put on a high pedestal, rather than the reality that comes with knowing and loving another human being. That's all well and good, but they can't be surprised when their "perfect" partner turns out to be imperfect, or unlike the image in their heads (that could include being a switch, bisexual, into a something the partner finds unappealing, illness/injury, showing "weakness"). Unless your fantasy is based on reality, you're going to feel betrayed and disappointed when you learn your fantasy partner is a real person.

So, there's nothing wrong with your perspective of wanting a Dom who likes all of the same things you do, or is perfectly compatible. At the same time, you can't be surprised when that doesn't translate to an intensive, in person relationship, or they change, because perfect compatibility and people who never change don't exist in real life. Usually, the only person being betrayed/lied to in those situations is ourselves because our partners never claimed to match our fantasies perfectly or stay the same.

I think this post is straight on, Erika. The fact that it's a long distance relationship just adds to the ability to see only what each wants to see about the other. And then when real life hits, it's such a huge shock that putting the two images together just don't work. I had a similar thing happen with an online friend earlier this year - not a romantic relationship, just a friendship. And it's shocking to see the image you've had for so long be shattered before your eyes. It makes you question your own judgment. But at the same time, it also makes you question your own behavior and feelings up to that point. Were you lying to yourself about him, about what you had? The questioning isn't only about him, it's also about yourself. And so your image has to fall completely apart before it can be put back into something new.

Really, at this point, you have to ask yourself what it is that you've wanted all along, what you want as you move forward, and how/whether he still fits in with that. Does what happened have anything to do with your relationship? You haven't really said. You did clarify that it wasn't sexual in nature. Does that even have anything to do with the relationship you have with him? If not, then does it really matter?

Ultimately, we can all slam you for whatever, but that isn't going to help you in the situation you're in. You are really the only person who can answer your own questions. What do you want? And can you still get it out of this relationship?

 

[Adakgirl]

I am the kind of person who likes to cut to the chase after evaluating the situation and eliminating any things that don't really count. This is how I see it. This whole thing boils down to a great breach of trust, trust that you have built up with this man over 5 years. All relationships, especially D/s ones are based on mutual respect, honesty and trust. So this is simple.
He was dishonest by lying to you by omission, he never told you about his submissive tendancies. He never told you that all the women he had ever loved were Dominant ones. He knew you loved him and he still kept this from you. When you accidentally found out, it destroyed any trust you had in him, as well as your respect for him.
Nothing to do with Dom or sub or switch. Has to do with him being disrespectful to you by being dishonest, has to do with your loss of trust in him because of that.
I personally could not forgive such behavior. Because when it all comes down too it, the sexual things mean nothing, it is the relationship that really counts. You do not know how to react to him now because you have lost respect for him. I do not blame you a bit, your feelings are valid. I advise you to run like hell from a man like this and not look back.

 

[Essene]

Just ask the vile people around here that keep attaching that annoying descriptor to me.

Annoying? I wouldn't say that you are annoying, but you are awfully cute.

I'm reading SweetErika's posts and I'm digging them as well.

 

[Etoile]

Where did the OP go?