Safe words - Need some advice on how to choose.

[WriterDom]

They are a useful tool but safe word or not, it's always the Dom/me's responsibility for the well-being of the sub. Don't ever assume someone is fine because they haven't safe worded.

 

[h_i_s]

how did you choose your safe words? We're thinking that we need one that means: Give me a moment, and one that means: Stop now.

i do understand that those who choose to play with partners that they do not know well (and there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion) and can not read so easily have more of a need for safe words..... we never needed them.

Careful observation, and attention and responsability from Him......... coupled with clear and direct methods of communication from me....... always replaced any need for safewords.

i never chose to use an official safeword, and one was never required of me.

Any outburst resembling (as an example) :

"OWW FUCK ...ANKLE HURTS... AHHHOWW....
or, "TOO DEEP, can't! can't! .. OwwCH... NO!NOooNOooNOoo"...

.... (while curling up into a ball, running away, curling my body out of His reach, jumping out of the way of His aim etc ect ect <insert your own survival methods here please>).......... have always worked well between He and i in place of official safe words.

These are an example of what have been the only methods of verbal communication we have needed to bring His attention to whatever it is that He may need to know and may not be aware of... for what ever reason . Words like red yellow or orange have never come to mind when an ankle or wrist of mine has felt like it is about to snap in two .... or <insert your own example of potential comparable and urgent physically or emotionally damaging issue here>

There have been countless times when i have needed Him to stop due to unintended issues and a few 'shit happens occurances' which have popped up on rare occasion.... 9 times out of ten, i've not needed a safe word. 9 times out of ten, He is paying enough attention and knows me well enough so that i do not have to tell Him that He needs to slow down, replan His attack or approach or abandon His mission entirely.

He has never mistaken nor misread any outburst from me that i have screamed in place of a safe word. i don't tell Him no. i'm not allowed to tell Him no..... and i don't 'play games' with communication and so there is no reason for Him to wonder that i MEAN it or not. No has always meant NO. 'OWW fuck' (or the similar comparable outbursts and exclamations).. has always meant STOP. i simple communicate as well as i can as quickly as i can. We don't see the point of yelling RED only to have to explain WHY the word RED has been uttered in the first place. Seems more efficiant to just yell out, "ANKLE Owww, cuff, hurts... owwwwww fuck... oww.". It just seems so much more to the point.

 

[graceanne]

I have to say, that while we have a safe word, I don't need to use it. K knows when I'm serious and when I'm not.

 

[SweetErika]

My sub feels using safewords allows him to stay in the scene; explaining something would yank him out of it, and that's something we like to leave to nature and me.

He also thinks he'd have trouble stringing together something more coherent than is safeword at times. There have been instances where he's deep enough in subspace that he thinks he's talking well, but he's not. Having a few words he's been trained to, and can usually rely on, to get out makes him feel safe and more confident, even though we realize nonverbal cues and my judgement are just as important because he may not be able to speak at all at times.

Of course I wouldn't ignore him if he were using other/non-safe words, and he's welcome to do so at any time. Sometimes that will make the most sense, but for others the safewords are helpful for us, and that's what matters.

 

[the captians wench]

I have to say, that while we have a safe word, I don't need to use it. K knows when I'm serious and when I'm not.

See this has always been my case as well. I do have safe words in place, but I've never used them....Well I've never just shouted yellow or red (or green) anyway. And I can only remember once answering yellow to the question "how you feeling?". Tho I may have used it more and just couldn't remember.

I love that the people I play with read me so well that I haven't had to use them. But I think that it's good we all have this understanding incase I do need to.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't have a safe word. He says we don't need one. So far we haven't.

Fury

 

[chris9]

If it's a 'yellow' situation, I prefer to say something like "hands falling asleep" or the like. Bad things that happen and that don't belong to the play as it is. If I need him to stop hitting so hard, 'yellow' might work better, leaving me the chance of begging for him to stop or go slower/softer, even if I don't want/need him to.

I'm quite afraid of not being able to find my safeword in a 'red' situation. Right now I'm more thinking that I might want to limit my usual play vocab as not to include 'stop'. That way if I say stop, I mean stop. And it's about the most primal word I've learned to mean 'end of whatever'. So even if everything else is gone, I'd hope that this would still be there.
I'd think though that whatever word is said that clearly does not belong into the scene would communicate enough to stop everything now. Like if the agreed safeword is 'banana' and the pyl says 'chair'.

If I played with someone who does not understand any German, I'd make sure that he gets at least some general outbursts. If 'red' or 'yellow' are agreed on, I'd expect him to also get 'rot' and 'gelb'. Language difficulties might mean that even in the 'hand falling asleep' situation a safeword will be used, if I don't remember the words to communicate whatever in another language, giving me time to get back, think and then talk about it.

 

[Shankara20]

I'm quite afraid of not being able to find my safeword in a 'red' situation. Right now I'm more thinking that I might want to limit my usual play vocab as not to include 'stop'. That way if I say stop, I mean stop. And it's about the most primal word I've learned to mean 'end of whatever'. So even if everything else is gone, I'd hope that this would still be there.

That is why I prefer for a sub/bottom to select their own safeword. I think it lowers the likelyhood it will slip away from one's mind in times of stress. My fear is that an "assigned" safeword might be hard to find if panic starts to set in.

 

[Master_n_Mentor]

Safewords are (for U/us) only for the most intense scenes. Otherwise it's just a simple communication "...that's not as right as I'd like it..." or something similar that is plain old English.

However, we have come to the agreement that "Ouch" and "No" are the only words that are NOT safewords. Stop, however, is - unless we are in an intentionallay intense scene where "Stop" is an expected response.

Open communication is a great tool.

A final thought: Unless you are trying to mimic something out of The Marketplace, where using normal communication is going to take away the feel of the scene. The words like RED, or CHECKMATE for immediate stop would be more useful. But again, as was stated further up the thread, the word must be one that can be said quickly in the heat of the moment.

In a particular, if you are bound and gagged, what I've seen work very nicely is a small bean bag in your hand, and if you drop it the scene is over - Immediately!

Be Well, play safe, sane and consensually

 

[shy slave]

Stegral posted this short video on another thread.

It takes in Shanks (and others) comment that the pyl should be the one choosing the safe word.

http://machomedia.blogspot.com/2006/06/safe-word.html

 

[Shankara20]

Stegral posted this short video on another thread.

It takes in Shanks (and others) comment that the pyl should be the one choosing the safe word.

http://machomedia.blogspot.com/2006/06/safe-word.html

bad girl, shy! bad girl!

 

[ladyscottishwhore]

i use traffic lights

i use traffic lights it seems to work the best for my sub and i

 

[Betticus]

I'd hear "RED" and say "not yet dear but it is pretty pink"

I liked "Armageddon"!

 

[Master_n_Mentor]

bad girl, shy! bad girl!

This was incredibly funny... thanks for the post, and the laughs

 

[jasonlf]

Something to note that hasn't been said here yet is that sometimes, in a public scene with a DM on duty, you need to have a safeword that the DM can recognize. That's why my girl is trained to use green/yellow/red (and it's actually mandated that it be your safeword or you inform your DM otherwise for the group I'm in).

Of course, that said, when my baby says "Sir, my feet are falling asleep" or when I hear /real/ distress creep into her voice, safewords don't matter, and I take time to see what's wrong -- but since we both like the whole "saying no" thing during a scene, we can't rely on "stop" or "no" to mean "stop" or "no".

 

[Cheshire D]

Okay, that clip just gave me a reason to rent Eurotrip, despite the fact I'm not normally into "stupid funny" movies. (Plus Xena = murrrrrr.)

I have a hell of a hard time really thinking (and consequently, communicating) when I'm in subspace, so simple traffic lights are not going to be the first thing that comes to my mind when something is going wrong. "Ow fuck this hurts in a bad way" is probably what would come should something go wrong. Also, the traffic light approach just seems so...I dunno...formal to me. I'm not a very formal person, even with people I've just met and so it's kinda awkward.

 

[darkangel85]

HI all

I am very new to BDSM although hubby and I do not get into the humiliation side of things he is discovering a rather dominant streak that I love, being naturally submissive (something I only recently was able to pinpoint about myself)

We have played out a couple of scenes but are reaching the point where we feel a need for safe words to be known between us. Certainly after a moment last night where he was unsure and felt a little awkward because he didn't know whether to stop or continue which broke the mood a little.

So, all you fellow submissives out there, how did you choose your safe words? We're thinking that we need one that means: Give me a moment, and one that means: Stop now.

What would you choose? obviously it needs to be something that we can both rememebr but nothing too mainstream, don't want to find myself blushing in public (or do I ) because someone has just uttered one of our safe words.

Thanks in advance

Amora

I use "RED" its quick and easy to say, if they are gagged etc then i always make sure there is a way for them to communicate to me that they need out..

Safewords are funny they are there for reasons and some people i know when you have been in the same D/s relationship for a while that it can get to a point where you can start to work without because you know enough by then to know the signs of whatever..
But gets me when people that are new say i dont need a safeword im hardcore lol because its not if something goes wrong and you dont know the signs yet.

So yeah something quick easy to remember and say and when gagged have another thing like a gesture.

 

[tiez]

I agree. Traffic colors are OK in most of situations.

But think in something different for special situations, i.e: you are tied up and gagged.

Well, in this moments, you can have music and...

You can keep the remote control and use the level of sound as AMBER and switch it off as RED

And always be safe. It's more funny!

If the gag is to be used, I have a bell on hand that the submissive can hold. If they drop the bell, I consider that a safe word. You can do this with any number of items, but the bell won't roll under the bed or the dresser and it makes a noise when it falls. Two plusses.

 

[tiez]

Reasonable safe words I've used:

- middle names
- special words (like, ladder - or something weird)
- yellow, red
- OUCH! CRAMP!!! LEG CRAMP!!! OUCH!!!!


Words I've ignored as 'not a safe word'

- fuck you!
- I hate that fucking thing...
- I hate you!
- stop
- STOP!!!!!!!!!
- you fucking soul-less son of a bitch!
- What _is_ that thing?
- it won't fit!



What I find as the hardest thing is to know how to gauge her reaction when she's really flying - has gone way way into flight and is silent. It's really hard to gauge when to stop. I've simply been extending the duration of such flights gradually.

The only words I've used are red, yellow and 'CRAMP!' to stop things. I'll often ask for a break or ask for 'slower' but that's really it.

Hope this helps.

 

[the captians wench]

That is why I prefer for a sub/bottom to select their own safeword. I think it lowers the likelyhood it will slip away from one's mind in times of stress. My fear is that an "assigned" safeword might be hard to find if panic starts to set in.

I now understand this comment.

I've been trying out a new potential play partner, and yesterday we had our first play date. At one point before the toys came out he looked at me, took me by the collar and said "when you are close you will say 'hard limit'. understood?". I agreed and we continued. But when it came to where things were getting a bit much for me, I couldn't find the words he gave me. I kept thinking and search in my own mind and couldn't for the life of me remember what it was he told me to say. I began to panic and said the only word that could come to mind "yellow". I didn't want to stop I just needed a break, and he backed off, rubbed the soreness, and then continued.

He told me before that he would push me to my safe words, and this was the first time I had even yellowed before. I'm not sure if I really like that or not, being forced to use them. Is it arrogent of me to think that the one whielding a flogger on me should know my breaking points and not go past them? Or am I hindering my own growth and expanstion by expecting that? Or have I just been spoiled by people who realized I'm not as strong as I tend to portray?

 

[liberatedslave]

He told me before that he would push me to my safe words, and this was the first time I had even yellowed before. I'm not sure if I really like that or not, being forced to use them. Is it arrogent of me to think that the one whielding a flogger on me should know my breaking points and not go past them? Or am I hindering my own growth and expanstion by expecting that? Or have I just been spoiled by people who realized I'm not as strong as I tend to portray?

My Sir is quite inexperienced and we use traffic lights because they're easy and safe. Having said that, he will occasionally push me to my safeword with something purely to asses where my tolerance lies and whether I've become able to endure a bit more from him. I accept that he needs to know my limits for his own piece of mind and to feel that he really is pushing me and that I'm developing as a sub. I would think that, as a new play partner your guy needs to know your tolerances in order to work within them to the point where you're pushed still.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I now understand this comment.

I've been trying out a new potential play partner, and yesterday we had our first play date. At one point before the toys came out he looked at me, took me by the collar and said "when you are close you will say 'hard limit'. understood?". I agreed and we continued. But when it came to where things were getting a bit much for me, I couldn't find the words he gave me. I kept thinking and search in my own mind and couldn't for the life of me remember what it was he told me to say. I began to panic and said the only word that could come to mind "yellow". I didn't want to stop I just needed a break, and he backed off, rubbed the soreness, and then continued.

He told me before that he would push me to my safe words, and this was the first time I had even yellowed before. I'm not sure if I really like that or not, being forced to use them. Is it arrogent of me to think that the one whielding a flogger on me should know my breaking points and not go past them? Or am I hindering my own growth and expanstion by expecting that? Or have I just been spoiled by people who realized I'm not as strong as I tend to portray?

i have never understood the point in taking to the point where you are forced to safeword. *shrugs* for us that's not the point of our play, though we do have a safeword in place, Master knows me well enough to know when i'm close to my breaking point, and He backs off for a bit.....sorry i'm of no help.....

 

[the captians wench]

No rose you are of help really.

I think my real problem here is that I don't feel like he should be pushing me at all. That's my Master's job, my master will guide where he wants me when he wants me there and I guess I just feel like this guy is stepping on his toes. I'm not looking for some one to train me, but so far that seems to be the way things are going.

I agreed to another meet with this guy, and we'll see if I still feel the same, but I don't think it's going to work out. And I have a very strong feeling, tho I haven't talked to him about it yet, that Jounar would have me end this one which weighs heavily in my mind.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

No rose you are of help really.

I think my real problem here is that I don't feel like he should be pushing me at all. That's my Master's job, my master will guide where he wants me when he wants me there and I guess I just feel like this guy is stepping on his toes. I'm not looking for some one to train me, but so far that seems to be the way things are going.

I agreed to another meet with this guy, and we'll see if I still feel the same, but I don't think it's going to work out. And I have a very strong feeling, tho I haven't talked to him about it yet, that Jounar would have me end this one which weighs heavily in my mind.

*nods* that makes perfect sense, and i'm a 'go with your gut' kinda girl anyway....

 

[liberatedslave]

I think my real problem here is that I don't feel like he should be pushing me at all. That's my Master's job, my master will guide where he wants me when he wants me there and I guess I just feel like this guy is stepping on his toes. I'm not looking for some one to train me, but so far that seems to be the way things are going.

I understand where you're coming from now. If you don't want training or pushing you should definitely say so. If you think it's best you end your sessions with this guy then you're probably right. I've never been in a relationship that wasn't exclusive so I didn't understand your perspective on being pushed and trained by someone other than your Master.

Is it very long till you see him?