Safe Words

[petrel]

Everyone has already said this but just to add my voice to the pile in summery:
1: I don't play even with my husband without safe words - I would cut off all contact with any Dom who tried to tell me I didn't need safe words.

2: As a sub I am the one who will be physically hurt when we play - therefore I have the responsibility and right to protect myself however I see fit. If I believe this is by having a safe word that is not NO or STOP this is my prerogative

3: As a Dom I would never discard safe words or use an easily misunderstood word such as stop because no matter how careful and how good at empathy you are you are NOT that sub, and you are NOT a mind reader - even being a sub sometimes myself doesn’t give me that privilege.

4: I don't use NO or STOP as safe words because Even if we are playing in a scene that doesn’t require the sub to 'pretend' non-consent people still have their own fantasies - I don't know if they secretly desire to be overpowered and 'forced' to submit - if this is the case they will say - stop you bastard, no don't do this etc.

5: things happen - cramp/ sudden realisation of the time/ remembering your mother-in-law etc etc you need a clear unequivocal signal that you need to halt all proceedings and get you untied/nipple clamps taken off/ corsets removed etc etc as quickly as possible.


I won't go into why the words STOP and NO are difficult for some if not many subs to use - if you understand it -great; if you don't - well just accept it - in all honesty the above reasons and examples of misunderstanding are enough to convince everyone that it is just 'safer' to use a word such as red or unicorn as a safe word.

 

[Ebonyfire]

There are at least three "Dom's" on my blocked list that tried in various ways to explain to me why safe words would be unnecessary.

One in particular was quite vehement that safe words were unnecessary because he would *never* take anyone anywhere close to the need for one.

I have found that there is an apparently large group of people who use "no" "stop" or "don't" as safe words. For me, none of those could ever be a consideration. Saying "no" is very hard for me to do in any circumstance.

There are apparently a large number of Dom/mes who believe submissive means gullible, passive, easily coerced. When a Dom/me tries to "convince" you do do something you feel strongly about, especially something that is safety oriented, it is time to kick their sorry asses to the curb (male or female).

Eb

 

[mousetro]

I agree with EB That is so true

 

[MissTaken]

Since my initial post, I have used a safe word.

It was difficult to do. I was very focussed on the activity, on enjoying it and on completing it to his satisfaction.

I then, realized that I wouldn't be able to and that the pain was excruciating. I couldn't relax with the pain, in order to complete the activity.

Now, saying "no" is easy and I have said "no" when it really means "I am lost, talk to me." I also believe that sometimes when I say "no" my conservative upbringing and values that haunt me at the strangest times are conflicting with my submissive desires. I may say "no" simply because a small part of my mind believes that what I am participating is wrong. Call me a wingnut, but I am an honest one!

To say, "Red," I had to focus on what was happening and process the problem and then, wrap my mouth around the syllables. By the time I eeked out the word, it was definitely the right decision.

I will admit, I felt very disappointed in myself and disappointing to him. However, we worked through it and will try again.

No, Sandia, "NO" doesn't always mean "No."

 

[Ebonyfire]

I will admit, I felt very disappointed in myself and disappointing to him. However, we worked through it and will try again.

Please do not be disappointed in yourself. Think of it this way, by using your safeword, you gave your Dom much needed information. That is a good thing.

Eb