Safeword: did you ever use it/had it used on you; why? when? what? How?

[_kiana_]

The very idea of using a safeword is hard for me to wrap my mind around, because when I get upset I babble.... it's just how I respond to intense emotions. So there is a very good chance that I'd be saying "please stop, can't take it, need to stop" etc, but it just wouldn't click in my mind to say that one word.

Use the fact that you know yourself to your own advantage. Tell any person that you play with that you are unsure if a safeword would work, as you're new and have not been in such a situation. Explain to them how you know you would react (the babbling) and inform them that it is a sign of distress. If they're worth a grain of salt, they'll take that into consideration and monitor you for it when playing.

 

[Lalah]

Yes. And he didn't listen. That damaged me so much so and destroyed any trust.

I'm surprised no one picked up in this. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?

 

[rida]

.....
What I just quoted though - when I was being trained as both bottom and top, one of the things my mentor focused on was "ways you can get hurt and things to look for when you're bottoming that clue you into being hurt." I think this is an important thing to focus on a little if you're learning from people. As a top it's pretty informative too, to know what kinds of accidents or problems your bottom may be anticipating, both so you can re-assure them and so you can perpetrate some pretty heinous headfucks too.

I don't know if you do workshops, but if I were actively bottoming I'd probably be focusing on the "Dont's" section of things, so you know what to look for. It's not an issue of second guessing your top, and people do choose to take risks, but you want to know that person KNOWS when they're taking a risk and that it is a choice.

Where can I find that book? seriously ... I realized that the biggest problem is not knowing what to look out for. I did a lot of reading, and used that knowledge to create a sort of mental road-map to safe play.
And yet, I consciously broke half of them even before getting to the play part.

At the end, you are right, is all about choosing risk with your eyes open.

Very early on in

my exploration I had a safeword. My first "Dom" (note: I use the term loosely) took me to The Leather Rose in Chicago with a bunch of friends. He knew I had little to no experience with anything other than spanking. He made a big show of making sure he knew my safeword, of establishing a non-verbal safeword, etc. Then he put me on the St Andrews Cross and started flogging me.

At one point he started using a very heavy buffalo hide flogger on my back in a fast and heavy pace, and literally knocked the breath out of me. I could NOT catch my breath, and started to panic. Since I couldn't catch a breath to talk (and it was noisy in the club anyhow) I used the visual safeaction. He kept going. I started waving my fist around in the air, and he started hitting me HARDER (someone later told me that he was chastising me for moving). I ended up struggling through the panic attack, finally catching a breath and getting through the rest of the scene.

By the time he was done, I felt so sick to my stomach and dizzy from the whole thing, and really confused. I was too new to realize I should have simply stepped away and insisted the scene STOP. I mean, he was my Dom and all...

I've always been a bit disappointed that no one in the audience stepped forward and put a stop to it either. I had a few people later admit to me they saw me safewording and saw him just ignore it, but no one said anything or did anything. Not that it was their responsibility, but still...kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. I broke it off with that dom shortly after that. New or not, I was bright enough to realize this guy was all ego and no brain. It did destroy my trust on some level, although I blamed myself for a long time until I had enough experience under my belt to have a better picture of what should and should not have happened on both of our parts.

I don't have a safeword with Ma'am, although she insists I establish one in the rare times she allows others to play with me. I've never had to use it though. I prefer simply communicating with the person I'm playing with rather than depending on obscure words and actions. I've found that works a hell of a lot better and the chances of the scene being ruined by miscommunications is a lot lower.

I am sorry to hear about your misadventure with an ignored safeword. From the replies on this thread it seems to be not that uncommon.

And I am starting to realize that personally I'd rather just plainly tell what is wrong than using a code word. Interestingly enough stopping the scene by telling what is wrong does not make me feel a failure as using a safeword would. Weird wiring in the brain

 

[rida]

Yes. And he didn't listen. That damaged me so much so and destroyed any trust.

I'm surprised no one picked up in this. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?

I didn't want to pry ... but if you would feel comfortable sharing the story, I think it could be very insightful

 

[rida]

I've safeworded twice, both times very early on in my BDSM experience and both times were ignored. The second time was the end of the relationship.


This is also a problem I have. The thought that I might let him down by stopping play when he isn't ready really, really bothers me. Of course, it helps that I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. When the thought crosses my mind that I might actually need to safeword, I begin questioning myself - is this really all I can take? is there truly a problem? And I've found that when I do that, it turns out that I don't really need to at all, I'm just overthinking things too much. Once I let that 'control freak' thing go and just feel, then I'm good again.

However, I don't let that fear of failure keep me from stopping if I really, truly can't take it or if there really is a problem. Because I agree with Cat, it's equally my responsibility to be sure that I'm in tune with what's going on with my own body. Otherwise, how can he be certain that I'm trustworthy?

.....

I so totally relate with the bold part. That is the kind of dialogue in my head.
If only I could let the "control freak" overthinking mind go ...

*sighs* If I ever truly get into this lifestyle in RL, I'm going to have to get used to the idea of using a safeword. I never have, not because things haven't happened where I needed to, but because the situations didn't require it. None of the situations were sexual/bondage related, they were all simple public submission tests, and I wasn't in a place mentally where I could do it, and I told her so. Since we were only testing the waters anyways, there was no need for a safeword, me telling her that I couldn't do it was more then enough.

The very idea of using a safeword is hard for me to wrap my mind around, because when I get upset I babble.... it's just how I respond to intense emotions. So there is a very good chance that I'd be saying "please stop, can't take it, need to stop" etc, but it just wouldn't click in my mind to say that one word.


Heather

Good luck to you too.

As _kiana_ said, use the knowledge of how you react at your advantage.
Now that I am having a better idea on how my mind work, I'll have to have the conversation on safeword once again.

 

[sexycaz22]

The first time I played with my Dom friend; we agreed on a couple of safe signals (non-verbal) and I only used it twice. Luckily, because he knew (and a gentleman, too!) that I was new to the spanking and floggings, he took his time with me, and watched out for my reactions, regularly checking in with me, making sure I was okay.

In one scene, where he used a old-fashioned tawse on my sweet bum, and as the pain increased, and got to the point where I could not take it anymore, I then used my safe signal, and he stopped, straight away. The second one, I can't remember, how it was used, but I was extermely lucky to find someone like him for my first play scenes!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I used to use safewords to communicate my tolerance to different things but since we became a TPE M/s couple my limits have not been mine to dictate.

When we were first starting out and I called him Sir, I would use a safeword if I was in a very uncomfortable position or if some form of pain/impactplay was becoming too intense. We were learning each other as well as D/s and it was somehow easier to say 'red' than 'I've had as much as I can take now.'

Now my safeword is reserved for certain, specific situations. I'm epileptic and occasionally need to call a complete halt to things without question or hesitation on Master's part.

If I have come a lot of times during a scene I can have an 'absence' where I become unresponsive and vacant (totally different animal to subspace) or a kind of mini seizure. At those times I'm unable to safeword so Master prefers me to communicate that I'm nearing the epilepsy danger zone beforehand by saying 'yellow.' It's also annoying for him to be presented with a useless, unresponsive slave when he's in the middle of getting his domly rocks off.

Similarly, if I have been told not to come in order to build up the sensation, a big climax will usually leave me shaking and having some kind of epileptic twitch post orgasm.

My level of conscious and awareness at these times varies greatly. Sometimes a sharp slap to my face will bring me round and I'll be able to focus and regain some self control. Other times I'm gone and Master has no alternative but to wait for me to come back again. I can be one or the other or anywhere in between.

 

[Netzach]

Where can I find that book? seriously ... I realized that the biggest problem is not knowing what to look out for. I did a lot of reading, and used that knowledge to create a sort of mental road-map to safe play.
And yet, I consciously broke half of them even before getting to the play part.

At the end, you are right, is all about choosing risk with your eyes open.



I am sorry to hear about your misadventure with an ignored safeword. From the replies on this thread it seems to be not that uncommon.

And I am starting to realize that personally I'd rather just plainly tell what is wrong than using a code word. Interestingly enough stopping the scene by telling what is wrong does not make me feel a failure as using a safeword would. Weird wiring in the brain

Heh, I wish it WAS a book. Although, speaking of books...

I've found one author who addresses this at all adequately, in my mind - Janet Hardy. I'd try looking at "The Bottoming Book" and her book on caning if you can get your hands on it. Very few SM authors of how-to have spent significant time on the bottom and view bottoming as skill and not just inclination, and I think it's a real gap in information out there.

 

[snowbyte]

I've always been a bit disappointed that no one in the audience stepped forward and put a stop to it either. I had a few people later admit to me they saw me safewording and saw him just ignore it, but no one said anything or did anything. Not that it was their responsibility, but still...kind of left a bad taste in my mouth.

That's fucked up. The reason there are safewords in a place like that is so that someone can step in, if needed.

 

[rida]

The first time I played with my Dom friend; we agreed on a couple of safe signals (non-verbal) and I only used it twice. Luckily, because he knew (and a gentleman, too!) that I was new to the spanking and floggings, he took his time with me, and watched out for my reactions, regularly checking in with me, making sure I was okay.

.....

Thank you for sharing a good experience first experience. Is good to know that there are still gentleman out there.

I used to use safewords to communicate my tolerance to different things but since we became a TPE M/s couple my limits have not been mine to dictate.

When we were first starting out and I called him Sir, I would use a safeword if I was in a very uncomfortable position or if some form of pain/impactplay was becoming too intense. We were learning each other as well as D/s and it was somehow easier to say 'red' than 'I've had as much as I can take now.'

Now my safeword is reserved for certain, specific situations. I'm epileptic and occasionally need to call a complete halt to things without question or hesitation on Master's part.

.....

Thank you for your post.
It is interesting to hear from someone that prefer a safeword to explaining what's the problem is. I can see thou how that would work better when there is not time to explain as it is a real emergency.

 

[WickedEve]

The questions are: Did you ever safeworded out/ Had someone safeword out on you? Why did you safeword/did they? When did it happen? What was going on when it happened? How did you feel afterward?
As little or as much info you are willing to share is appreciated.



As a background on why I am coming up with this questions here is what is going on.

I had my first play experience with someone other than Hubby. With Hubby, even if we go by the standard color safewords, mostly it is me just saying "my hands are going numb", "WAIT!WAIT!WAIT! I need to get the lube", "please, don't hit that spot again" or things like that. Plus he knows me very well and is not into any extreme stuff (yet).
But with the play partner is different, and is going to be a very important element. He is a sadist. I am not into pain, but I will endure it to please him. Now here comes the crux of the situation: the trial play run made me realize how strongly I hate failing someone's expectations; how deep is my desire to please. It gets stubborn in my head: I am afraid that fear of feeling like a failure will keep me from using my safeword even if I should. I trust he is experienced enough to read me (I asked about previously gone awry play and he admitted to pushing a submissive too far once), but I know he cannot read me right if my stubbornness keep the reality of what is going on locked up. The part of me that is a control freak, is also the part of me that will never admit defeat.

Hijacking my own post ...lol... just got an enlightening moment ... making me safeword will be the moment of total submission ... but this is a bit OT ... so back to the questions ...

Thank you in advance

rida

mostly it is me just saying "my hands are going numb", "WAIT!WAIT!WAIT! I need to get the lube", "please, don't hit that spot again"
That sounds pretty much exactly like what I say most of the time. I've only used my safeword twice (the second time was last night) in my seven month relationship with my Master. And he also happens to be a sadist, but "Spongebob!" stops him in his tracks. The two times that I needed my word was when he used the flogger that he made. It's the devil. The pain is too sudden and intense, and I hate to be a wimp and a failure, but I cannot yet handle it.

 

[rida]

....
That sounds pretty much exactly like what I say most of the time. I've only used my safeword twice (the second time was last night) in my seven month relationship with my Master. And he also happens to be a sadist, but "Spongebob!" stops him in his tracks. The two times that I needed my word was when he used the flogger that he made. It's the devil. The pain is too sudden and intense, and I hate to be a wimp and a failure, but I cannot yet handle it.

Sorry ... but ... SPONGEBOB ... LOLOLOL!!!!
I think I found my safeword ... if you don't mind me stealing yours

 

[WickedEve]

Sorry ... but ... SPONGEBOB ... LOLOLOL!!!!
I think I found my safeword ... if you don't mind me stealing yours

It can totally disarm a dominant partner and leave him/her laughing. lol

 

[sexycaz22]

Thank you for sharing a good experience first experience. Is good to know that there are still gentleman out there.

Yes, I am extermely lucky, to have found him for my first time with the OTK spankings and floggings. Yes, he is a gentleman but when it comes to the scene, he is very, very evil!!

 

[rida]

Yes, I am extermely lucky, to have found him for my first time with the OTK spankings and floggings. Yes, he is a gentleman but when it comes to the scene, he is very, very evil!!

Aren't they the best kind?

 

[rida]

Before I let this thread go, a random set of personal comments and thoughts not necessarily related to each other:

. PYL all stress that using the safeword is NOT a failure, is actually expected and welcome.
And yet a lot of pyl do fear/feel failures because they contemplate using it and might hold off just a bit longer because of it., sometime finding out that they could handle more.

. There is a huge difference in a play situation and in a relationship situation. In relationships, because there is already a deeper understanding of each other there seems not really to be any need for a safeword, if not for real emergency, as such making the use of it not feel as a failure.

. Personally, I realized that what makes me concerned regarding my ability to safeword and totally stop the scene (as opposite to just notify of minor discomfort to be adjusted), is that what ultimately drive my submission is the desire to please the PYL. And at the same time having a mind that does not want to submit and admit to any limit.

. Behaving in a way that I hope will make the PYL stop without having to use my safeword is a wicked and shameful way of topping from the bottom.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Before I let this thread go, a random set of personal comments and thoughts not necessarily related to each other:

. PYL all stress that using the safeword is NOT a failure, is actually expected and welcome.
And yet a lot of pyl do fear/feel failures because they contemplate using it and might hold off just a bit longer because of it., sometime finding out that they could handle more.

. There is a huge difference in a play situation and in a relationship situation. In relationships, because there is already a deeper understanding of each other there seems not really to be any need for a safeword, if not for real emergency, as such making the use of it not feel as a failure.

. Personally, I realized that what makes me concerned regarding my ability to safeword and totally stop the scene (as opposite to just notify of minor discomfort to be adjusted), is that what ultimately drive my submission is the desire to please the PYL. And at the same time having a mind that does not want to submit and admit to any limit.

. Behaving in a way that I hope will make the PYL stop without having to use my safeword is a wicked and shameful way of topping from the bottom.

I think in many ways, you have answered your confusion all on your own. In my experience, there is a big difference between the way you play with someone who is a play partner and someone you are involved in a relationship with. Even if the relationship is just a long standing play partner. Because you learn about each other, you become comfortable with each other, your reactions are different. And in my experience, rida, my submission is different.

To be honest, for me, it's not really submission if I'm just playing with a partner. It's really only bottoming. For me, it's only submission within the confines of an emotional relationship. And that changes the dynamics of everything. Frankly, I'm not very good at it if my emotions aren't engaged, so it's extremely rare that I play outside of a relationship. Because then it really is only bottoming, and beyond the physical release, there isn't a lot I personally get from that.

As for manipulating the PYL in order to avoid using a safeword, that is real topping from the bottom. While you might find that works for you in a play situation, I can assure you that as a submissive in a relationship, I get the feeling that won't work well for you. You sound a bit like me in the whole pleasing my PYL thing, and the guilt will kill you, as will his disappointment. It's very hard for a control freak to let go enough to fully, 100%, trust their PYL. But I will tell you that once you do, you'll wonder why you struggled with it for so long. It really is the ultimate rush, knowing that you've let go of that inner control freak and truly given 100% control over to your PYL. Once you've crossed that line, you won't want to go back.

 

[rida]

I think in many ways, you have answered your confusion all on your own. In my experience, there is a big difference between the way you play with someone who is a play partner and someone you are involved in a relationship with. Even if the relationship is just a long standing play partner. Because you learn about each other, you become comfortable with each other, your reactions are different. And in my experience, rida, my submission is different.

To be honest, for me, it's not really submission if I'm just playing with a partner. It's really only bottoming. For me, it's only submission within the confines of an emotional relationship. And that changes the dynamics of everything. Frankly, I'm not very good at it if my emotions aren't engaged, so it's extremely rare that I play outside of a relationship. Because then it really is only bottoming, and beyond the physical release, there isn't a lot I personally get from that.

As for manipulating the PYL in order to avoid using a safeword, that is real topping from the bottom. While you might find that works for you in a play situation, I can assure you that as a submissive in a relationship, I get the feeling that won't work well for you. You sound a bit like me in the whole pleasing my PYL thing, and the guilt will kill you, as will his disappointment. It's very hard for a control freak to let go enough to fully, 100%, trust their PYL. But I will tell you that once you do, you'll wonder why you struggled with it for so long. It really is the ultimate rush, knowing that you've let go of that inner control freak and truly given 100% control over to your PYL. Once you've crossed that line, you won't want to go back.

Thank you for your comments.
Yes, I now understand where my difficulties with safewording comes from. I want to submit, I crave to submit. And yet my mind just cannot let go.
I see a higher chance of me safewording when submitting than bottoming. Why? because of my screwed up control freak of a mind: my mind views safewording as admitting defeat, and she will not admit to it.

I too need the emotional connection to truly submit, but I can see that bottoming could be a very valuable way to learn a few lessons for myself.
Netzach advised taking part in workshops. I'd love to and I am going to try to tap into the local scene and see what I can find. It might not be too easy due to life comittments thou.

As for the manipulating part, if I managed to pull it off, it would cause a mix of guilty feeling and loosing respect for the PYL, since he didn't see through it. Of course he would loose respect for me as well so it would just kill the whole situation.

 

[WriterDom]

I had someone break down on me when they forgot they had a safeword. Well, crying is a safeword I guess.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Once only ( not alluding to toughness , usually manage compatibility & then some , so no barking subbier than thou please ). It was during the very rare & first time foray into roleplay with a much adored and trusted partner. It wasn't the physical act that stretched my ability to continue to comply , it was that I felt so alienated & disassociated from him in role, that it felt 'unfaithful'. Yes, unfaithful to him, even though it was him ( in character ) and yes I know I am strange, thank you : smiles :

When I was permitted the opportunity to explain, he understood how deeply that affected me, decided to conclude the play. We never seemed to actually 'go there' again, as I recall.

 

[rida]

I had someone break down on me when they forgot they had a safeword. Well, crying is a safeword I guess.

Crying is a safe-word ... unless you are playing with a sadist that loves to see tears ... or so I remember some sadist say somewhere

Once only ( not alluding to toughness , usually manage compatibility & then some , so no barking subbier than thou please ). It was during the very rare & first time foray into roleplay with a much adored and trusted partner. It wasn't the physical act that stretched my ability to continue to comply , it was that I felt so alienated & disassociated from him in role, that it felt 'unfaithful'. Yes, unfaithful to him, even though it was him ( in character ) and yes I know I am strange, thank you : smiles :

When I was permitted the opportunity to explain, he understood how deeply that affected me, decided to conclude the play. We never seemed to actually 'go there' again, as I recall.

Thank you @}-}rebecca. It is interesting to see a case of safewording not related to physical limits but to emotional/mental ones. Looking back to some of my play with Hubby I can see that there has been one time in which I basically stopped the scene not for any physical discomfort, but mostly because for some reason I had gotten out of the mental frame and just could not go back, and I was not going to pretend what I was not feeling. It was still early in our forray into D/s so we didn't really talked it out, just finished up vanilla style and moved on.

 

[Shankara20]

I called "caution" once and did breakdown into full tears on another occasion. The caution "yellow" was invoked the very first time needles were used on me. I was blindfolded and tied to a chair and had no idea Ma'am was using needles. She got 4 needles down each side of my chest from my neck to my breasts and 2 needles in a cross pattern into my left nipple - the first needle into my right nipple sent me very close to the edge and I called yellow. Ma'am calmed me down, took off my blindfold, untied me from the chair and took me to a mirror showing me her handiwork. She told me it was my choice, but she really wanted to finish up with that second needle in my right nipple - so with me standing naked before her she did finish with that second needle into my nipple. I was allowed to masturbate at that point but could not get erect. That was when I learned that I enjoyed pain for the pain and not for the sexual turn-on.

The tears that almost stopped a scene came several years later with the ProFemDom I eventually would live with. She had me on my back tied to a table wearing a dress with my legs shackled up to chain suspended from the ceiling. The dress was pulled up exposing my naked legs and me in her panties. With no warning she stared to shave my legs. We had never discussed it, and I had never shaved before. I fell apart but never called safeword. She was kind and understanding and relentless in her mission. My legs were totally shaved and I was instructed to keep them that way, so I shaved my legs, and eventually my full body for about two years.

 

[onyxvixen]

I value safewords greatly. I'm not a mindreader and can't be bothered to learn. When I am engaging in scenes that are more taxing or more humiliating for my girl I am generally after my own pleasure. I am attentive to her safety and sometimes even to her pleasure but I'm still getting my rocks off.

She is good at communicating without safewording as for us it halts the scene completely and even if we start again, the intensity and build up is lost. I much prefer her to get my attention before she reaches the point where she needs a time out.

I will care for her and make allowances because I want her to be in a place mentally and physically where she can give good service. I'm talking about edgier scenes here. If I choose to cosset and indulge her, safewords are a moot point. Even I'm not psychodomme all the time.

 

[rida]

Thank you Shank-sama for sharing your experience. I find it really fascinating that some of the event that causes to safeword in a scene in the boundaries of relationship (as opposed as a play) are somewhat emotional events

And thank you onyxvixen
I agree with your post, and because I do not want to stop my PYL while he is getting "his rocks off", I realize I have a hard time safewording and would rather be able to make adjustments along the way as to avoid halting the scene completely.

 

[zeldaisabella]

My Dom and I talked about a safe word briefly, but he is a talker. He frequenlty asks if I'm okay and checks to make sure that I am. He takes a break or switches it up if he thinks I need it, even if I won't say it. I too have gotten into the mindset of not saying anything for fear of disappointing him. The one time I did say I had had enough (our first session) he was fine with it. No recriminations. Grant it, I'm new to this and he has all the experience. But he has an uncanny ability to know when I need to take a minute and just breathe.