Safeword: did you ever use it/had it used on you; why? when? what? How?

[MasterPhoenix]

We came very close once, but I could tell she was at tha point and I backed off a bit...

 

[lettinggo]

I had a partner who was more sadistic than I was masochistic. It left me nervous every time we played, which just made it more exciting for me. I had to have a safeword with him because I love to protest and never wanted to be misunderstood.

I 'yellow'ed several times when we played and he was pushing boundaries, but I soon realized that it was out of fear, not need, and that when he heard it he took it as a challenge to see how much farther I was willing to go before it was too much. He would have stopped in a heartbeat if I hit 'red'.

The only time I used 'red' was when we were playing with a tens unit. I'm an emotional person and cry at the drop of a hat -- or even a good, powerful orgasm. But I never, ever cried when we played no matter how hard he pushed me. That day the tens play was too physically intense and really started to hurt. He saw the tears and knew it was coming but let me decide how much to take before I called red. When I did he stopped immediately and administered the TLC.

I don't need or use a safeword with my husband. Even though I'm still a big protestor (my body and mind never agree on what they want), he can tell by the tone of my voice and my gestures when I mean it and when I don't. He did misunderstand me the other night. He was standing behind me so when he didn't stop I threw a hand back and shoved him away. I've never done anything like that, but he needed a fast hint and it was effective. If I'd been tied, a good scream would have been as effective (but it may have woken the kids).

 

[rida]

Thank you zeldaisabella and MasterPhoenix for your contribution.

It is indeed reassuring to read about so many PYL being aware enough of their pyl to be able to stop or slow down without the need for the pyl to safeword.

 

[rida]

I had a partner who was more sadistic than I was masochistic. It left me nervous every time we played, which just made it more exciting for me. I had to have a safeword with him because I love to protest and never wanted to be misunderstood.

I 'yellow'ed several times when we played and he was pushing boundaries, but I soon realized that it was out of fear, not need, and that when he heard it he took it as a challenge to see how much farther I was willing to go before it was too much. He would have stopped in a heartbeat if I hit 'red'.

The only time I used 'red' was when we were playing with a tens unit. I'm an emotional person and cry at the drop of a hat -- or even a good, powerful orgasm. But I never, ever cried when we played no matter how hard he pushed me. That day the tens play was too physically intense and really started to hurt. He saw the tears and knew it was coming but let me decide how much to take before I called red. When I did he stopped immediately and administered the TLC.

I don't need or use a safeword with my husband. Even though I'm still a big protestor (my body and mind never agree on what they want), he can tell by the tone of my voice and my gestures when I mean it and when I don't. He did misunderstand me the other night. He was standing behind me so when he didn't stop I threw a hand back and shoved him away. I've never done anything like that, but he needed a fast hint and it was effective. If I'd been tied, a good scream would have been as effective (but it may have woken the kids).

Thank you for sharing.

With the sadist, I have been told that bratting and mouthiness is not appropriate and as such I have kept the protest under lock. However I did scream and cry as a reaction to the sudden pain. He did tell me that he loves to see his pyl in pain so I didn't really expect him to stop just for the crying, but I guess that since it was the first time, he took it as a yellow and slowed things down. And I was very grateful for that as I would have hated to have to safeword.

With Hubby, it is like for you. He knows when I am just protesting and when I really mean it and he has to stop. If worse came to worse, I would do like you and shove him off or make sure the message is conveyed (screaming is truly a last resort for the same reason you stated ).

 

[rida]

I called red for the first time

I called red for the first time last night. With Hubby.

It was not because the play was too painful or uncomfortable. It was because what I thought was the expectation and the signals I was getting from him were becoming more and more confusing and I felt as if I was being set up to fail. So I might as well admit defeat.

The experience made me realized a "tread with care" limit that I have: contradictory signals that makes me feel as if no matter what I do I am not doing it right.

Someone might call it a great mind fuck, if it had been intentional. The fact that it was not is what created problems afterward.

I called Red, he didn't see it coming (I honestly thought he was pushing me to it). I needed reassurance, he felt hurt. I said some hurtful things, he clammed up. Neither to say there will have to be some open communication. But this is how a relationship evolves and grows: by talking when things do not go as planned.

 

[rida]

more in general and one more question to add to the OP

(didn't want to mix the following with the previous post)

I also called Yellow once during pain play with the Sadist and he stopped what he was doing, assessed the situation and decided that I had enough (good call, lol).

I'm glad to see that I am able to call a safeword when I need it.

Interestingly thou, with physical pain I call yellow, as I just need that particular sensation to stop but am not necessarily wanting to stop it all. But when I get in a mental tangle, there is no yellow, only red.

Do you notice any similar difference on what word get triggered depending on the type of play and feelings you are experiencing?

 

[Sqoodd]

I have only one safeword for the two subs I ever had the pleasure of Domming (is that a word?). Not one used it. One did say, "NO!" and walked away from me. That safeword was pretty clear, but then we broke up some weeks later.
If the safeword is used, I would stop immediately and see if it was a minor or major problem. I like playing, but not at the expense of the subs.

 

[rida]

I have only one safeword for the two subs I ever had the pleasure of Domming (is that a word?). Not one used it. One did say, "NO!" and walked away from me. That safeword was pretty clear, but then we broke up some weeks later.
If the safeword is used, I would stop immediately and see if it was a minor or major problem. I like playing, but not at the expense of the subs.

thank you for your post. May I ask a couple of things?

Did her saying "NO" and walking away cause the break up? Would have been the same if she used her safeword instead of saying no and walking away?

 

[ataxia.girl]

Don't have one.

Don't want one.

 

[the_mgp]

vomit

 

[castagnus]

Before I let this thread go, a random set of personal comments and thoughts not necessarily related to each other:

. PYL all stress that using the safeword is NOT a failure, is actually expected and welcome.
And yet a lot of pyl do fear/feel failures because they contemplate using it and might hold off just a bit longer because of it., sometime finding out that they could handle more.

. There is a huge difference in a play situation and in a relationship situation. In relationships, because there is already a deeper understanding of each other there seems not really to be any need for a safeword, if not for real emergency, as such making the use of it not feel as a failure.

. Personally, I realized that what makes me concerned regarding my ability to safeword and totally stop the scene (as opposite to just notify of minor discomfort to be adjusted), is that what ultimately drive my submission is the desire to please the PYL. And at the same time having a mind that does not want to submit and admit to any limit.

. Behaving in a way that I hope will make the PYL stop without having to use my safeword is a wicked and shameful way of topping from the bottom.[/QUOTE]


This is one profoundly insightful thread. I am overwhelmed by the unexpected emotion expressed in the bolded phrase. Makes me realize how much I have missed in my half century of using BDSM in erotic play without really savouring its delicious nuances.

I am also struck by the extraordinary level of intelligence and eloquence exhibited by the contributors to this topic and the realization that every "scene" is unique. Some building up to excruciatingly delicious pain when partners resonate - and some melting into tender cuddling and slow and gentle sexual play. I wished there was a way of obtaining feedback from each other to determine that magic level of intensity that would be appropriate for each specific ocassion - and the deep, glorious love for each other that would result.

But then there is so much joy in continuing the search.

 

[castagnus]

I had a partner who was more sadistic than I was masochistic. It left me nervous every time we played, which just made it more exciting for me. I had to have a safeword with him because I love to protest and never wanted to be misunderstood.

I 'yellow'ed several times when we played and he was pushing boundaries, but I soon realized that it was out of fear, not need, and that when he heard it he took it as a challenge to see how much farther I was willing to go before it was too much. He would have stopped in a heartbeat if I hit 'red'.

The only time I used 'red' was when we were playing with a tens unit. I'm an emotional person and cry at the drop of a hat -- or even a good, powerful orgasm. But I never, ever cried when we played no matter how hard he pushed me. That day the tens play was too physically intense and really started to hurt. He saw the tears and knew it was coming but let me decide how much to take before I called red. When I did he stopped immediately and administered the TLC.

I don't need or use a safeword with my husband. Even though I'm still a big protestor (my body and mind never agree on what they want), he can tell by the tone of my voice and my gestures when I mean it and when I don't. He did misunderstand me the other night. He was standing behind me so when he didn't stop I threw a hand back and shoved him away. I've never done anything like that, but he needed a fast hint and it was effective. If I'd been tied, a good scream would have been as effective (but it may have woken the kids).

I admire your husband for being so in tune with you. You are both very lucky.

 

[Sqoodd]

thank you for your post. May I ask a couple of things?

Did her saying "NO" and walking away cause the break up? Would have been the same if she used her safeword instead of saying no and walking away?

Yes and No. She was thinking about ending it with me when she said it. I think she was already seeing that person, but I don't know. And I was mad (very mad) that she said "No" and walked away.
If she used the safeword, then I would have backed off and presumed she hadn't told me something. It would not have caused us to breakup. The safeword is used to find the boundries, not move on to someone who will go passed that boundry.

 

[00Syd]

We have only recently begun playing together and so he's not yet done anything that made me want to safeword, but he is worried that I won't be able to because of a few situations in which I probably should have called yellow but didn't. I trust him that he won't go too far, and so even when I become terrified of what's going on I resist safewording. I'm almost positive that I would be able to safeword if I ever really, really needed to, but I think I would probably feel like I failed, like others have said.

I also really failed in a big way recently, and I still feel terrible about it, which makes me think that it might become even harder to safeword from now on. I really, really, really, really don't want to ever fail again and even though I know safewording isn't a failure, it feels that way.

 

[rida]

Yes and No. She was thinking about ending it with me when she said it. I think she was already seeing that person, but I don't know. And I was mad (very mad) that she said "No" and walked away.
If she used the safeword, then I would have backed off and presumed she hadn't told me something. It would not have caused us to breakup. The safeword is used to find the boundries, not move on to someone who will go passed that boundry.

Thank you for your reply

 

[rida]

We have only recently begun playing together and so he's not yet done anything that made me want to safeword, but he is worried that I won't be able to because of a few situations in which I probably should have called yellow but didn't. I trust him that he won't go too far, and so even when I become terrified of what's going on I resist safewording. I'm almost positive that I would be able to safeword if I ever really, really needed to, but I think I would probably feel like I failed, like others have said.

I also really failed in a big way recently, and I still feel terrible about it, which makes me think that it might become even harder to safeword from now on. I really, really, really, really don't want to ever fail again and even though I know safewording isn't a failure, it feels that way.

I totally related to what you say.
But I can tell you that interestingly enough, the fact that I failed and the Sadist took care of it and never went back on the issue has actually helped me feeling comfortable enough to be able to call yellow when I needed a break. It was still up to him to asses if to continue or not, so it helped.
I really felt proud of myself for calling yellow.

This also brings to my calling red with my Husband and the consequences that is having. If I could do it over again I would have called yellow before getting to red. This is a case in which knowing each other well has played against us: I thought he knew that I had reached yellow from the way he was talking to me, even if I hadn't said it, and instead he thought that everything was fine and daisies.

So lessons I learned from this:

1) just because you are in an established relationship and you know each other well, there are still time when you need to polish your communications skills and not assume that the other person understand what is going on

2) if you are afraid that safewording is a failure, than you better bring yourself to call yellow before you go all the way to freak out stage and call red.

3) calling red out of the blue can be as traumatic for the PYL as the pyl

4) never play or push new buttons or old buttons farther than you ever have, unless you are ready to deal with a play gone awry.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

We have a safe word, but I am too proud to ever use it tbh. lol

I like to think I can take anythin.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I totally related to what you say.
But I can tell you that interestingly enough, the fact that I failed and the Sadist took care of it and never went back on the issue has actually helped me feeling comfortable enough to be able to call yellow when I needed a break. It was still up to him to asses if to continue or not, so it helped.
I really felt proud of myself for calling yellow.

This also brings to my calling red with my Husband and the consequences that is having. If I could do it over again I would have called yellow before getting to red. This is a case in which knowing each other well has played against us: I thought he knew that I had reached yellow from the way he was talking to me, even if I hadn't said it, and instead he thought that everything was fine and daisies.

So lessons I learned from this:

1) just because you are in an established relationship and you know each other well, there are still time when you need to polish your communications skills and not assume that the other person understand what is going on

2) if you are afraid that safewording is a failure, than you better bring yourself to call yellow before you go all the way to freak out stage and call red.

3) calling red out of the blue can be as traumatic for the PYL as the pyl

4) never play or push new buttons or old buttons farther than you ever have, unless you are ready to deal with a play gone awry.

Thanks for sharing the lessons you've learned. I can definetly see where number 3 would be true. I remember the first discussion I had with my PYL about safewords. He got an extremely serious tone of voice. He told me that I was welcome and encouraged to safeword when I felt it was necessary, however I was to make sure it was really necessary. If I called red he would stop everything and we would not continue on at all for at least that day. He promised that it wouldn't hurt our relationship (which is something I needed to hear).

My PYL didn't really explain what his mindset would be if I safeworded but I have to wonder if safewording has a negative effect on a PYL's self-confidence? My PYL is not a sadist I though I sometimes I tease him about being a loving evil ogre. I wonder if during a scene when that evil ogre side is out if safewording then brings more of the loving compassionate side of him out and it then makes the evil ogre side more difficult to bring back?

I don't know, I think this is one of those thngs where it is hard to say how one would feel or why until it actually happens.

 

[00Syd]

I totally related to what you say.
But I can tell you that interestingly enough, the fact that I failed and the Sadist took care of it and never went back on the issue has actually helped me feeling comfortable enough to be able to call yellow when I needed a break. It was still up to him to asses if to continue or not, so it helped.
I really felt proud of myself for calling yellow.

This also brings to my calling red with my Husband and the consequences that is having. If I could do it over again I would have called yellow before getting to red. This is a case in which knowing each other well has played against us: I thought he knew that I had reached yellow from the way he was talking to me, even if I hadn't said it, and instead he thought that everything was fine and daisies.

So lessons I learned from this:

1) just because you are in an established relationship and you know each other well, there are still time when you need to polish your communications skills and not assume that the other person understand what is going on

2) if you are afraid that safewording is a failure, than you better bring yourself to call yellow before you go all the way to freak out stage and call red.

3) calling red out of the blue can be as traumatic for the PYL as the pyl

4) never play or push new buttons or old buttons farther than you ever have, unless you are ready to deal with a play gone awry.

I can also really see how #3 would be true. Recently I began to cry during a scene and he didn't stop, but later told me that he felt terrible about it and thought that he went too far. I didn't think that he did at all, and told him so, and explained why I cried, but he still felt very guilty. I think that if I ever called red he would feel like he did then, but maybe even more so. It would probably give him peace of mind if I called yellow now and again, but I just don't feel like I've ever really needed to.

 

[shutter1975]

I have not had the pleasure of such and experience. I amnot sure I will seeing as how my wife is not into it. I "accidently" left a pic of a girl with a strap-on on my screen. She thought it was gross, my heart kinda sank. But i do masterbate a lot thinking about it and I do play with my ass, I even self milk which is better than nothing. Maybe one day.....

 

[shutter1975]

sorry for the last post, I got my threads mixed up.....

 

[rida]

Thanks for sharing the lessons you've learned. I can definetly see where number 3 would be true. I remember the first discussion I had with my PYL about safewords. He got an extremely serious tone of voice. He told me that I was welcome and encouraged to safeword when I felt it was necessary, however I was to make sure it was really necessary. If I called red he would stop everything and we would not continue on at all for at least that day. He promised that it wouldn't hurt our relationship (which is something I needed to hear).

My PYL didn't really explain what his mindset would be if I safeworded but I have to wonder if safewording has a negative effect on a PYL's self-confidence? My PYL is not a sadist I though I sometimes I tease him about being a loving evil ogre. I wonder if during a scene when that evil ogre side is out if safewording then brings more of the loving compassionate side of him out and it then makes the evil ogre side more difficult to bring back?

I don't know, I think this is one of those thngs where it is hard to say how one would feel or why until it actually happens.

What I think we as pyl tend to forget is that, the PYL too is showing a deep part of himself during a scene. The one that is physically vulnerable is mostly the pyl, but emotionally, there can be a lot of vulnerability also on the PYL side. Expecially in a loving, established relationship.

Having red called out of the blue might make them feel as if you are rejecting that part of themselves that they are sharing with you in that moment. And depending on the PYL level of comfort with that aspect of their personality, it can make it harder to show that part of themselves to you again in the future.

I can also really see how #3 would be true. Recently I began to cry during a scene and he didn't stop, but later told me that he felt terrible about it and thought that he went too far. I didn't think that he did at all, and told him so, and explained why I cried, but he still felt very guilty. I think that if I ever called red he would feel like he did then, but maybe even more so. It would probably give him peace of mind if I called yellow now and again, but I just don't feel like I've ever really needed to.

The problem I experienced, beside the misreading of signals is that, I went from "I can deal with it once more", to "this is one too many" without stopping by "I had enough". I freaked out, I honestly lost it. Than and there.

That is where the importance of lesson 4 comes in place. You cannot both end up going to a vulnerable place when you cannot handle a fall out.

I needed reassurance, he needed space, I said things in the moment that did not help (I was freaked out, not an excuse thou, I know). I recovered the fastest but still the damage has been done. It will take some time and more communication to overcome it. The positive I see is that, when we'll have overcame it, we'll have learned more about ourselves and each other.

 

[ataxia.girl]

i just could not imagine using a "safeword" with Daddy.

no..no...No...No...NO...NO and NO work just fine.

i trust him to know what i can take and what i cannot.

He Dominates so slowly... so effortlessly... is so easy to surrender to Him. Why i would need a safeword? Would be silly.

 

[rida]

i just could not imagine using a "safeword" with Daddy.

no..no...No...No...NO...NO and NO work just fine.

i trust him to know what i can take and what i cannot.

He Dominates so slowly... so effortlessly... is so easy to surrender to Him. Why i would need a safeword? Would be silly.

I thought I would never say NO unless I meant it ... well, I was wrong. When I know that the crop is going to hit on the pinky bits I just cannot help it but start to stutter "no ....no .... please no ....".

What a wimp. lol

 

[rida]

on one hand i strongly believe in safewords as a safety measure.

I would like to think i would not ever sub without it. Experience shows that my judgement in the spur of the moment can be hazy, particularly when it comes to subbing, but then, thats the whole purpose for deliberate negotiation... right?

the other problem i have is that most of the time i'm articulate enough to just say what's cool and whats not, and so my boundaries are fairly clear in advance (usually).

True; safewords are also there to permit the Dominant to push boundaries a little, but there are also times when i'm subbie or in pain (or both) that i forget to breath, not to mention being too inarticulate to comunicate anything. Theoretically thats precisely when safewords are for, but i'm dumb and at those points i usually try to soldier through it.

On the couple of occasions that i've stumbled upon boundaries/ triggers i didnt know i had, it was pretty obvious by my body language... (i guess you could call body wracking sobs a 'body language')

I can see how for someone that is not going to realize they need to safeword until they are past the point of being able to use it, it is going to be of not good to have one. Actually i could see how having one might even be dangerous as it would give the PYL (if he does not know the pyl well enough) a false sense of security as he will be relaying on it to be told when he is going too far.