Safewords

[James G 5]

Fair warning to both bunni/ys.......In case we ever meet

I met an unnatached online sub friend at a Munch once
She was a bit of a SAM and I had WARNED her I didn't brook disrespect in person
Tieing in to this thread, we'd discussed safewords
It was AMAZING how fast she said "RED!" when she's decided to smart off, declaring to me, loudly & deliberately (she later admitted) in an attempt to provike me "Oh BITE me"

What made her say "RED!" so fast?

My teeth, sinking thru her suit jacket, dress, and 1" shoulder pads to the point that she had a mark for a week

Sharp little teeth, I have

So bunni/ys beware, the marks you crave might not be as much fun as you think


(PS, and I know this is off topic, but in the latest Anita Blake* book, "Narscissus in Chains", there is a FANTASTIC scene of an emerging Fem Domme marking her subbbie boy with an elaborate pattern of bite marks all over his body!")



*Anita Blake is the heroine of the series, author is Laurel k Hamilton

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Safewords

fingers can do that too if you get the right thread.

yeah, but then you have to get up out of bed after & waste time flossing
This saves a step

 

[Bondagebunni]

Fair warning to both bunni/ys.......In case we ever meet

I met an unnatached online sub friend at a Munch once
She was a bit of a SAM and I had WARNED her I didn't brook disrespect in person
Tieing in to this thread, we'd discussed safewords
It was AMAZING how fast she said "RED!" when she's decided to smart off, declaring to me, loudly & deliberately (she later admitted) in an attempt to provike me "Oh BITE me"

What made her say "RED!" so fast?

My teeth, sinking thru her suit jacket, dress, and 1" shoulder pads to the point that she had a mark for a week

Sharp little teeth, I have

So bunni/ys beware, the marks you crave might not be as much fun as you think


(PS, and I know this is off topic, but in the latest Anita Blake* book, "Narscissus in Chains", there is a FANTASTIC scene of an emerging Fem Domme marking her subbbie boy with an elaborate pattern of bite marks all over his body!")



*Anita Blake is the heroine of the series, author is Laurel k Hamilton

*blinks* that's ok...i plan on being with my rocket for quite awhile.

and what's a SAM?

 

[James G 5]

*blinks* that's ok...i plan on being with my rocket for quite awhile.

and what's a SAM?

<sigh>
Ain't that always the way

Lucky for me I got my kitty kat

SAM= Smart Assed Masochist, one who's not truly a bottom or a submissive, who engages in provocation, smart-mouthing, and back talk to "earn" punishment......really, a form of Topping from the bottom, trying to control the scene or attention thru negative behavior

Can be cute in small does but gets old FAST

 

[Bondagebunni]

<sigh>
Ain't that always the way

Lucky for me I got my kitty kat

SAM= Smart Assed Masochist, one who's not truly a bottom or a submissive, who engages in provocation, smart-mouthing, and back talk to "earn" punishment......really, a form of Topping from the bottom, trying to control the scene or attention thru negative behavior

Can be cute in small does but gets old FAST

i'd imagine so...but most amusing in that situation...heehee...bite me...well she DID ask for it...*giggles*

 

[James G 5]

i'd imagine so...but most amusing in that situation...heehee...bite me...well she DID ask for it...*giggles*

And being the sweetheart that I am, I gave it to her

 

[Bondagebunni]

And being the sweetheart that I am, I gave it to her

*laughs* she should be thankful...you could have ignored her request!

 

[serijules]

[BSAM= Smart Assed Masochist, one who's not truly a bottom or a submissive, who engages in provocation, smart-mouthing, and back talk to "earn" punishment......really, a form of Topping from the bottom, trying to control the scene or attention thru negative behavior

Can be cute in small does but gets old FAST [/B]

I actually dissagree with this definition...that definition more closely matches mine of a brat...but just goes to show how no lable can truly be defined in such a broad kink.

I consider myself a bit of a SAM, but I am very much a bottom and very much a submissive, depending on the situation and person I am with as I play with a variety of people. I am known to be something of a masochist, and I'm also known for my smart ass mouth to get me in trouble at times. Since I am a spanko bottom at heart, even when I am interacting with someone that is purly D/s and I am in a submissive role...that slight "brat" in me comes out. I don't manipulate people or top from the bottom...but I do often smart off as I'm sarcastic by nature. I do know where the line is, and most people I've met that call themselves SAM's, do as well. It's often the brats I find that have trouble defining limits and oft cross them.

I think of a SAM as more of a middle ground between a bottom or brat, and a submissive. Someone who protreys characteristics of all those roles, but can clearly define the limits of each. But I guess it really depends on the person, I have seen the word submissive be defined in a way that I would be disgusted to be associated with.

 

[Bondagebunni]

i'm just a pain in the ass most of the time...i think this thread has been hijacked.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Thought I'd give a nod toward the original topic:

We use the very typical "Yellow" and "Red" for "this is building intensity too fast for me" and "Stop NOW," respectively.

Recently, though, I've stolen a page from someone else's book (some Top at a play party) and started using numbers from 1-10 to describe the intensity of sensation during a whipping or other kinda masochist-stuff. A one is "are you touching me? couldn't tell" and a ten is "you're right at my pain threshold. No harder, please." It seems to add a dimension, as it gives a little fuller picture of what kinds of sensations work for the bottom and can be pushed a little harder, and where the masochist's sensation limits are--because, as we know, that can change from day to day or even moment to moment.

Okay, that's my bit.
Please, resume hijack.

RS

 

[NemoAlia]

Yeah, that does seem like it would be a good idea, RS, if it didn't remind me of an ex who used to ask me to keep him updated, on a scale of one to ten, on my state of arousal all the time. It was very distracting.

 

[MissTaken]

we use red and yellow (both of us are quite new to BDSM, we havent had to say them yet). however there was one time when he was whipping me and i was tied up it got to be nearly too much, and i yelled that i couldnt take anymore. he stopped, though i sort of wished he didnt. he said he couldnt go on with it after i said something like that. oh well, we're learning.

Thank, AvaAdore!
This is a great post to learn from.

This is a situation which also shows the benefit of safe words. It adds to the clarity of communication. There are times when a sub will cry out, plead and do all those other things that get a Dom hot. If it is understood that he will only stop if you use the safe word, then you have to really focus and explore what you want before saying it.

IF he had stopped and said, "Did I hear your safe word?" Then, you would have a few seconds to consider. Then, use the safe word or say, "No Sir"

He then, doesn't need to worry if you chose to continue and you get what you want or need.

I do think subs feel a disappointment in themselves if they use a safe word and a wonderful sense of accomplishment if they don't. It is a difficult, emotional issue when scening, but safe words are good.

Repeat after me:
"Safe words are good!"

Using a safeword also demonstrates trust in your Dom. The one time I used it, I felt very sad. He told me later that he was disappointed in himself, but that he was pleased that I trusted him enough to use it, to tell him my limit, rather than let the scene continue and go bad.

Just a few meandering thoughts...

 

[serijules]

Yeah, that does seem like it would be a good idea, RS, if it didn't remind me of an ex who used to ask me to keep him updated, on a scale of one to ten, on my state of arousal all the time. It was very distracting.

I have had someone do this with me with both pain and arousal, and I hated it. It completely distracted me and made me feel nothing but annoyed, and I often had to bite back sarcastic replies. We talked about it a lot, and I understood how it helped him judge my arousal and tolerance and thus be able to adjust his style to what worked the best for me, but it just distracted me and made me feel like I was holding some sort of remote that controlled the scene, and that didn't work for me at all. However, we were new to each other so I respected his desire to be able to learn my tolerance with that method.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have had someone do this with me with both pain and arousal, and I hated it. It completely distracted me and made me feel nothing but annoyed, and I often had to bite back sarcastic replies. We talked about it a lot, and I understood how it helped him judge my arousal and tolerance and thus be able to adjust his style to what worked the best for me, but it just distracted me and made me feel like I was holding some sort of remote that controlled the scene, and that didn't work for me at all. However, we were new to each other so I respected his desire to be able to learn my tolerance with that method.

See? Another difference between male and female submissives.

The use of the a safeword with a scale is never used by me to gauge arousal. For one thing, my subs have hard ons as soon as they get naked (right at the door), until they leave. It is strictly used for safety purposes.

Eb <men and women are different>

 

[P. B. Walker]

Recently, though, I've stolen a page from someone else's book (some Top at a play party) and started using numbers from 1-10 to describe the intensity of sensation during a whipping or other kinda masochist-stuff. A one is "are you touching me? couldn't tell" and a ten is "you're right at my pain threshold. No harder, please." It seems to add a dimension, as it gives a little fuller picture of what kinds of sensations work for the bottom and can be pushed a little harder, and where the masochist's sensation limits are--because, as we know, that can change from day to day or even moment to moment.



RS

I've heard of this method before. And initially I thought it was a really great idea. However, I kinda had to put myself into a sub mode and think about this for a second. I have to wonder if this will actually take away from the sub getting into sub-space and really enjoying the "play" (whipping, spanking, etc). And what I mean by this is this: if I'm a sub and my dom is using this method and will randomly ask me to give a number, then I am going to be gauging each and every smack/whip/etc and spending alot of time just figuring out for myself if that last whip was a 4 or 5... or maybe it was closer to a 6. Then the next one comes and it takes a second for me to let the feeling flow thru me and I'm already thinking... mmm that mighta been a 6... etc.etc.etc. Do ya see what I mean? I think it forces the sub to think too much about the pain and quantify it too much and ends up taking away from the experience.

Whereas the red/yellow/green system will let the sub just enjoy what's going on. If it does go too high they can immediately say "yellow".

Maybe I'm off base... does anyone else think this could be the case? LOL... no not about me... but about the 1-10 system.

Anyhoo.. just my 2 cents.

PBW

 

[serijules]

I totally agree with you PB, that's exactly why it was annoying for me. I actually don't even like the green/yellow/red method, I'd rather just say "this is getting to be too much" or "I can't take any more" or one agreed apon safeword. But thats just me.

 

[Bondagebunni]

i'm going to have to agree with the majority here...i think the number thing would be distracting...but if it works for you...yay, go for it. I just think it'd take away from the feeling of helplessness.

 

[bunny bondage]

i totally agree, pb. as a sub who has in the past been asked annoying questions while i'm trying to enjoy myself. it's RAWTHER pesky.

 

[Bondagebunni]

i totally agree, pb. as a sub who has in the past been asked annoying questions while i'm trying to enjoy myself. it's RAWTHER pesky.

i'm happy to say i have never had that particular problem...just a whole lot of other ones.

 

[tyiana]

safe words, gestures

I think that safe words gestures are important for both the domand the sub. My dom insists on a safe word and that it is used if and when necessary. Part of the reason is that I am an asthmatic, and yes I have had to use my safe word due to the asthma, there was no negative feelings to me using it on either side, play was stopped, I used my inhaler calmed down and them play was resumed.
Quite a while ago my dom introduced a safe gesture, which was a soft cube that I could just open my hand and let go of if any problems occurred. This was introduced because my dom discovered I was in his words 'disappearing off into sub space' and speach was difficult for me often impossible, just grunts and groans, which at the best of times are not at all communacative.
I believe that as a sub I have a responsiblity to my dom to let him know what is going on with me inside when we are scening and to let him know asap if any problems occur, safe words and gestures are a pefect way of acheiving this. I know my dom would think twice about trying new things or going heavier into things if I had ever let things go too far and not used my safe word, this would not bode well for either of our confidences.

 

[Bondagebunni]

Re: safe words, gestures

I think that safe words gestures are important for both the domand the sub. My dom insists on a safe word and that it is used if and when necessary. Part of the reason is that I am an asthmatic, and yes I have had to use my safe word due to the asthma, there was no negative feelings to me using it on either side, play was stopped, I used my inhaler calmed down and them play was resumed.
Quite a while ago my dom introduced a safe gesture, which was a soft cube that I could just open my hand and let go of if any problems occurred. This was introduced because my dom discovered I was in his words 'disappearing off into sub space' and speach was difficult for me often impossible, just grunts and groans, which at the best of times are not at all communacative.
I believe that as a sub I have a responsiblity to my dom to let him know what is going on with me inside when we are scening and to let him know asap if any problems occur, safe words and gestures are a pefect way of acheiving this. I know my dom would think twice about trying new things or going heavier into things if I had ever let things go too far and not used my safe word, this would not bode well for either of our confidences.

i have a similar problem but with diabetes. We don't use a safe word right now...but i know that if i told him my blood sugar was low, he'd stop....i think he'd also recognize that something was wrong when i started acting weird.

 

[Bjarni]

As was mentioned earlier in the thread (by EB I think) although safewords are important they shouldn't always be relied on. There has been occasion for tyiana (my fiancee and sub) to use her safe word and I have never thought less of her for it. How can I, as a dominant, insist on safe, sane and consensual and introduce a safe word or words and then complain about them being used? To me that is not sane.
Yes I do feel a little annoyed when it is used, but not at the sub, I spend a while questioning myself and asking if I missed something. With a health issue I am aware that the sufferer may well feel something going wrong before there is any outward sign of it, so that is one thing that I don't feel guity about if it happens.

 

[Ebonyfire]

As was mentioned earlier in the thread (by EB I think) although safewords are important they shouldn't always be relied on. There has been occasion for tyiana (my fiancee and sub) to use her safe word and I have never thought less of her for it. How can I, as a dominant, insist on safe, sane and consensual and introduce a safe word or words and then complain about them being used? To me that is not sane.
Yes I do feel a little annoyed when it is used, but not at the sub, I spend a while questioning myself and asking if I missed something. With a health issue I am aware that the sufferer may well feel something going wrong before there is any outward sign of it, so that is one thing that I don't feel guity about if it happens.

A Dominant has to know his/her sub well enough to be able to observe what is happening. Sometimes subs are too deep in to subspace to use a safeword, and it is up to the dominant to intervene if necessary before injury occurs.

Eb

 

[James G 5]

A Dominant has to know his/her sub well enough to be able to observe what is happening. Sometimes subs are too deep in to subspace to use a safeword, and it is up to the dominant to intervene if necessary before injury occurs.

Eb

ESPECIALLY in a case like bunni's or tyianna's where a medical condition (asthmatic airway bloock, diabetci shock/blackout) might render someone in distress & unable to use a safeword.......bunni commented on her Dom noticing her acting "weird".....this is why, when I start playing with anyone, even just a one-time scene at a club, I have a whole speech & question/answer list that includes not only prefered choice of safewords but a health section. Last thing I need is to find out as s/he passes out that my playmate has a medical condition that could land him/her in the hospital becuase I unwittingly triggered it!

And I say "choice of safewords" because, while *I* prefer to use green/yellow/red, if someone is "conditioned" to another word I want to know what s/he might yell out when in distress and not thinking of what *I* wanted him/her to use.

As for the levels question, I've use questions based on something like the 10 point scale but only AFTER a scene, never DURING......that'd just be ANNOYING! After, tho, it helps me gauge response & plan for a next time.

And as far as men & women being different, the occasions I've played with male subs (always the boys of Domme friends of mine, not solo guys who might react differently) it's always been pain pigs who just like a good beating.......only time I've ever seen one display an erection was during a bit of CBT and he kinda lost it part way thru due to what I was doing
Still seemed to enjoy it tho, as "red" never left his lips

 

[RisiaSkye]

Interesting responses. I've not found the number thing particularly distracting. Then again, I don't really think about it, just give the number that comes to mind. Doesn't seem that hard to me. To each their own.