Savage Heat or just a Savage?

[jadefirefly]

If you refer to the post above this one -- Point one, the one with the big, huge, letters? Allow me to second that.

Any man who blackmails, coerces, and plays on the fact that you don't or haven't said no verbally and ignores physical attempts to rebuff his advances is a very, very bad man to be around. He wants you to trust him, but he isn't displaying any trust-worthy traits.

That's the main piece of advice I have. Avoid him. And I don't mean "go places you think he won't be." I mean, take every step necessary to avoid him. He magically shows up at a place you are at? Leave. He calls? Don't answer. He shows up at your door? Don't open it. He writes you e-mail? Don't read it.

You're an adult. And judging from your self-description, you've got the same emotional lock-down that I've got going on. You should be perfectly capable of completely removing this man from your life BEFORE he causes you harm.

It doesn't really matter if you swear that even if he (or someone else) DID assault you, that you wouldn't tell anyone. All that does is reinforce their intentions to do it. It's like hanging a sign outside your house advertising that you don't lock your door, and collect Faberge eggs.

He's bad. Period.




My secondary, and much less relevant piece of advice, is that when seeking information/advice from a group of people you're unfamiliar with, taking the time to reply line-by-line in a snippy, condescending, patronizing manner to the people you disagree with is not going to further your goal any. Just a tidbit of info that'll help you get by on any forum, not just this one.

Of course, that'll probably get me an itemized, snippy response. Damn! I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. Ah well.

Ditch the boy. Yesterday.

 

[wildhate]

Here is an update, and then I will be out of all of your collective hairs, as quite a few of you mentioned that this post has nothing to do with BDSM....

As you read this, can you decide what he is into, even if it is not D/S? It doesnt sound like any normal sexual relationship I have ever been in.

I spoke with him last nite, regarding Dominance and Submission...(on the telephone, of course)

It was difficult for me to bring up, but I took a deep breath, and plunged forward.

I worded it delicately. I asked him if he himself thought he was a Dominant person. He tried to dart in and out of the issue, until I collected it all together and restated my question. He told me that it depends. So I narrowed it down to direct questions.

Me: Would you say that you were a dominant person when involved in a romantic relationship?

He: Yes, I would say that. Though there is a time and place for everything, but overall, yes.

Me: Would you say that you are a dominant person in a sexual relationship?

He: Why are you asking me this?

Me: Just answer the question, Claire...(breakfast club, ha ha ha)

He: I would have to say Yes, then.

Me: How would you say that you are sexually dominant?

He: I just know I am.

These next questions were asked soley to see how he viewed me, to target specifically whether or not he thought I was an easy target or not

Me: Would you say I am a dominant or submissive person in a relationship?

He: Its hard to know, because we are not in a relationship, but I would say you are submissive until fucked with. Then you are revengeful. But overall submissive.

Me: WOuld you say that I am dominant or submissive in a sexual relationship?

He: Submissive, but you have a very strong passionate streak in you, animalistic.

He: Why are you asking me these questions?

Me: I am reading some good books lately.

This launched a very insightful short lived conversation:

Me: I ask about all of this because as I was reading these books, I thought of you, and the way you are forceful with me at times. You know, when you grab my arms and corner me, and the rest.

He: Let me ask you something, do you get a thrill when I do that to you? Do you like when I grab your arms so strongly? Does that make you wet, and hot?

Me: Perhaps. Do you like doing that?

He: Its good we are talking about this...Yes, I do, it turns me on. I like to play for awhile before having sex. You know, secretly, SOMETIMES when people say no, inside they are really screaming yes....they dont want you to stop, what they are really afraid of, is the situation, the environment, or the timing. You would be surprised how many people are into this. When I do this with you, I am not trying to scare you, that is not my intention. I think what you are truly afraid of is the situation, and letting go. (he has a point on that)

Me: So you are saying that some people are just asking for it then?

He: Not everyone is like that, and there are definately boundaries. And it just takes some time testing them out. I have had relationships like this, and it was wild and passionate for the both of us. Sometimes you get marks in the process, but that is all part of the passion. Its fun to take control.

Me: So you like to restrain with your hands. What about the rest, handcuffs, ropes, that kind of thing?

He: Like I said, when you are in a relationship with someone, anything goes.

Me: I am glad we are talking about this, and I still have so much more to ask you on this subject, but I am rather busy now. I can call you later?

He: Yes, and its kind of hot to talk about it too, dont you think? Doesnt it make you feel hot to talk about it as well?

Me: Yes, I guess. Maybe you could read up more on the subject and get back with me, and let me know what you think about all of this too.

He: I dont need to read up on it, but I think you do. Think and read about it some more, and talk with me later. I can answer anything you want to know.


****It is important to point out that my questions and responses were leading him, because I didnt want to make him uncomfortable about talking about this, and shut down on me.

Later on:

Me: You told me you have had relationships like this before?

He: Yes, you know that between two people who are close and intimate and trusting, anything goes. Sometimes things get really wild. We really enjoyed ourselves.

Me: (wanting to see how far he has actually gone, and specifically what is his turn ons) What kind of things have you done? What were some of your wild moments?

He: I think we should talk about this face to face tomorrow and then I could show you instead of tell you.

Me: No! No..I dont want you to show me, I would rather just talk about it.

He: You dont trust me?

Me: I dont feel safe enough yet.

He: Well, I dont kiss and tell, I have told you that before. All of that stuff happened in the past, and that is were it should stay. If you have specific questions, ask them. But you are embarrased, arent you?

Me: I am not asking you to tell me about specific women, I am asking you to tell me about specific situations.

He: Why dont you meet me tomorrow, and I can show you instead? Wouldnt you like to have the experience instead of just reading about it?

At this, I let him go, told him it was getting late, but we would talk more tomorrow.

Just curious with what these conversations said to any of you.

By the way, since none of this falls into this category, where should I be posting these things?

 

[papilllon]

Here is an update, and then I will be out of all of your collective hairs, as quite a few of you mentioned that this post has nothing to do with BDSM....

As you read this, can you decide what he is into, even if it is not D/S? It doesnt sound like any normal sexual relationship I have ever been in.

I spoke with him last nite, regarding Dominance and Submission...(on the telephone, of course)

It was difficult for me to bring up, but I took a deep breath, and plunged forward.

I worded it delicately. I asked him if he himself thought he was a Dominant person. He tried to dart in and out of the issue, until I collected it all together and restated my question. He told me that it depends. So I narrowed it down to direct questions.

Me: Would you say that you were a dominant person when involved in a romantic relationship?

He: Yes, I would say that. Though there is a time and place for everything, but overall, yes.

Me: Would you say that you are a dominant person in a sexual relationship?

He: Why are you asking me this?

Me: Just answer the question, Claire...(breakfast club, ha ha ha)

He: I would have to say Yes, then.

Me: How would you say that you are sexually dominant?

He: I just know I am.

These next questions were asked soley to see how he viewed me, to target specifically whether or not he thought I was an easy target or not

Me: Would you say I am a dominant or submissive person in a relationship?

He: Its hard to know, because we are not in a relationship, but I would say you are submissive until fucked with. Then you are revengeful. But overall submissive.

Me: WOuld you say that I am dominant or submissive in a sexual relationship?

He: Submissive, but you have a very strong passionate streak in you, animalistic.

He: Why are you asking me these questions?

Me: I am reading some good books lately.

This launched a very insightful short lived conversation:

Me: I ask about all of this because as I was reading these books, I thought of you, and the way you are forceful with me at times. You know, when you grab my arms and corner me, and the rest.

He: Let me ask you something, do you get a thrill when I do that to you? Do you like when I grab your arms so strongly? Does that make you wet, and hot?

Me: Perhaps. Do you like doing that?

He: Its good we are talking about this...Yes, I do, it turns me on. I like to play for awhile before having sex. You know, secretly, SOMETIMES when people say no, inside they are really screaming yes....they dont want you to stop, what they are really afraid of, is the situation, the environment, or the timing. You would be surprised how many people are into this. When I do this with you, I am not trying to scare you, that is not my intention. I think what you are truly afraid of is the situation, and letting go. (he has a point on that)

Me: So you are saying that some people are just asking for it then?

He: Not everyone is like that, and there are definately boundaries. And it just takes some time testing them out. I have had relationships like this, and it was wild and passionate for the both of us. Sometimes you get marks in the process, but that is all part of the passion. Its fun to take control.

Me: So you like to restrain with your hands. What about the rest, handcuffs, ropes, that kind of thing?

He: Like I said, when you are in a relationship with someone, anything goes.

Me: I am glad we are talking about this, and I still have so much more to ask you on this subject, but I am rather busy now. I can call you later?

He: Yes, and its kind of hot to talk about it too, dont you think? Doesnt it make you feel hot to talk about it as well?

Me: Yes, I guess. Maybe you could read up more on the subject and get back with me, and let me know what you think about all of this too.

He: I dont need to read up on it, but I think you do. Think and read about it some more, and talk with me later. I can answer anything you want to know.


****It is important to point out that my questions and responses were leading him, because I didnt want to make him uncomfortable about talking about this, and shut down on me.

Later on:

Me: You told me you have had relationships like this before?

He: Yes, you know that between two people who are close and intimate and trusting, anything goes. Sometimes things get really wild. We really enjoyed ourselves.

Me: (wanting to see how far he has actually gone, and specifically what is his turn ons) What kind of things have you done? What were some of your wild moments?

He: I think we should talk about this face to face tomorrow and then I could show you instead of tell you.

Me: No! No..I dont want you to show me, I would rather just talk about it.

He: You dont trust me?

Me: I dont feel safe enough yet.

He: Well, I dont kiss and tell, I have told you that before. All of that stuff happened in the past, and that is were it should stay. If you have specific questions, ask them. But you are embarrased, arent you?

Me: I am not asking you to tell me about specific women, I am asking you to tell me about specific situations.

He: Why dont you meet me tomorrow, and I can show you instead? Wouldnt you like to have the experience instead of just reading about it?

At this, I let him go, told him it was getting late, but we would talk more tomorrow.

Just curious with what these conversations said to any of you.

By the way, since none of this falls into this category, where should I be posting these things?

I think many people have already answered your question about him. I know I have and I don't see the point of repeating myself.

Maybe you could post it in the general board.

Good luck.

 

[angel_girl]

How is it you're still not seeing what this guy is putting right in front of you? The people responding to your initial post have given you excellent advice and resources to verify that advice. You know what he wants...if it's not what you want then walk away. If you're not sure then have that conversation with him. If you're feeling unsafe with him then don't put yourself at risk! As Chris said...RUN! Seriously. The rush you feel when you know you're wanted isn't worth it if you feel 'real' fear when put to the test. It's totally okay to admit that you like the thrill but are afraid of the next step and to ask and expect him to take smaller steps with you. If he won't then why waste your time?

My .02 for what it's worth...

 

[FurryFury]

I don't mind you posting here at all BDSM related or not but my opinion about this guy hasn't changed. In life sometimes we won't take good advice and just must make our own mistakes, this may be one of those times for you. If so, when it's over (and just so you know, mine took ten fucking years of my life, I had a kid with him so it still wasn't over at that point,) but when it is finally over and you see more clearly try not to beat yourself up about it too much. We are only human beings. As flawed people we sometimes can't help ourselves. Personally, I think you'd be far better served to explore your interests through research, decide what you want and then find someone with whom you can get what you want, give him what he wants while you feel both safe and hot.

Good luck.

Fury

 

[CutieMouse]

OP- your issues do fit within the BDSM forums, in the sense that this entire thread is a perfect example of a dishonorable man, playing Dom, and a woman who is so caught up in the situation, that she can't see how she's fitting the profile of a BDSM victim.

He is a dishonorable, manipulative asshat. People have been saying that rather consistantly for three pages now, but at this point all I can surmise is that the OP isn't listening.

 

[jadefirefly]

If he won't be honest with you and tell you what sort of experience he's got, then he likely hasn't got any.

Most likely because most of his past victims have gotten smart and run the fuck away.

I highly suggest you do the same.

If you explore around the rest of these boards here, you'll find one word that is constantly, constantly, constantly repeated throughout every single advice thread on BDSM. It's "communication". And he's doing a piss-poor job of it.

I repeat: GET AWAY FROM HIM. NOW.

 

[catalina_francisco]

People have been saying that rather consistantly for three pages now, but at this point all I can surmise is that the OP isn't listening.

LOL, I seem to remember saying this last week...some people will only accept what they want to hear, not what is given in good faith, which then makes asking seem pointless.

Catalina

 

[Betticus]

Well, if you are going to just give him a big open door to step into like that then of course he's going to say he's a dom.

You don't have to put the ring in his nose and lead him in like that.

I think you may be projecting your own desires on him and he's picking up on your cues and responding to you.

Give him different cues and see if he changes his behaviour in order to get into your pants. Do something different but after your conversation I don't think he'll take no for an answer or let you push him off again. I'll bet that the next time you are alone with him he's going to fuck you, like it or not.