Secretly Submissive

[ebullient]

I was going to mention that same thing. There are a LOT of guys out there who will try to claim you if they find out that you're new to submission... some are horny net geeks who just want to get off on telling someone what to do... some are a bit more dangerous.

Go slow.

Thank you for the advice! I would imagine it's difficult to distinguish sincere dominants from the false ones, however, unless it's completely blatant.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you for the advice! I would imagine it's difficult to distinguish sincere dominants from the false ones, however, unless it's completely blatant.

Actually it's not that hard most of the time. Ask us too. We will help.

 

[ebullient]

Actually it's not that hard most of the time. Ask us too. We will help.

I'll keep a look out for proverbial red flags. Thank you. =]

 

[justturnedlegal]

I hate this too!!!!

In RL I am extremely dominating in my personality but in the bedroom I love being taken, having no control turns me on soooo much!!

Don't feel alone

I was scared too but as soon as you embrace you can have "two sides" the sooner you will be happy

 

[catalina_francisco]

You have been given some great advice here. I also would caution giving into the feeling of need to tell others. It is something personal, and though you are overjoyed to reach this point of realisation, others might not be so enthusiastic and might also give a less than favourable reaction to your need to share. Some, actually most people just do not want to know such intimate details of other's lives. Sometimes you can maintain a perfectly happy relationship with others (friends, family etc.) without your submissiveness ever needing a place in that relationship. If it is someone in particular who you are interested in becoming involved with, then it becomes a little bit more important, but only if they also have an attraction to you. Tread carefully, embrace your secret, and keep an eye open for like minded souls if you feel you need to be abe to share with others.

Catalina

 

[Aspirations]

If it doesn't affect your r/l goings about, i should hope it doesn't upset you to be submissive. it can be very liberatiing. i don't think you have to introduce it to your relationships until you build some trust and understanding. i have found the internet to be a great resource to expand ideas, and push limits to even the most extreme fantasies. when i turn off the computer, i'm safe and it's over. i've never done that with anyone here, but i'm sure there would be many willing to play.

i hope you come to terms with yourself, and are lucky enough to find a good man/woman willing to dom you as you deserve.

 

[lovelady330]

I am in a bit of the same situation only I have more than come to accept it. I have a history of never having a relationship where I haven't been abused in some way. It used to be that I thought I was a bit half and half with the domme/sub and was only just recently that I was able to figure out that I am for the most part sub. I do have somewhat of a domme side but I really do enjoy being told what to do. Only one person close to me knows of this as I don't know how they would feel hearing that I enjoy the abuse. Being raised christian (I turned Heathen very young) my family still has no idea about this side of me and I don't think they ever will. Lately I have been very interested in chatting with other subs and also with seeking out a potential master. (there's an example of my domme but still sub side.) I still need to learn a lot about this and talk with people about their experiences and whatnot as most guys I get involved with are not interested in the things sexually that I am interested in.

 

[Bandit58]

I am in a bit of the same situation only I have more than come to accept it. I have a history of never having a relationship where I haven't been abused in some way. It used to be that I thought I was a bit half and half with the domme/sub and was only just recently that I was able to figure out that I am for the most part sub. I do have somewhat of a domme side but I really do enjoy being told what to do. Only one person close to me knows of this as I don't know how they would feel hearing that I enjoy the abuse. Being raised christian (I turned Heathen very young) my family still has no idea about this side of me and I don't think they ever will. Lately I have been very interested in chatting with other subs and also with seeking out a potential master. (there's an example of my domme but still sub side.) I still need to learn a lot about this and talk with people about their experiences and whatnot as most guys I get involved with are not interested in the things sexually that I am interested in.

That bolded sentence jumped out at me. Consensual BDSM is not abuse. Here's a link that hopefully will help you figure out the difference:

http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml

 

[chris9]

I understand the need to talk about 'it' with people. I know when I found out that masochism and submission was a part of me I was scared. And I wanted to talk about it. Which I did here on this side. I read a lot, I asked questions, thought about answers to other people's questions.
And after getting my feet wet a couple of weeks ago, I have to say that I actually feel that I'm stronger as a person.

 

[lovelady330]

Here's a link that hopefully will help you figure out the difference:

http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml

Not trying to be rude but I do know the difference.

 

[twysted73]

I hate this too!!!!

Don't feel alone

As soon as you embrace you can have "two sides" the sooner you will be happy

I second this one.
So wise beyond your years.
I know women in their mid 40's who blush at the word "penis".

*laughs hysterically*

SO easy to make them blush and wanna pass out. And you'd think someone 10 years their juinor wouldn't have that effect.

"Play with, caress and own the mind and the body will follow"

 

[SecretOrchid]

Interesting thread... I know nothing. I have explored nothing. I only know that I need to surrender control to one I trust, and the only close person I told freaked out, talked about brainwashing and treated me like an abomination, so yes, I second the advice on guarding this carefully before sharing.

 

[mouse77]

Actually it's not that hard most of the time. Ask us too. We will help.

Hi, I am new to the BDSM scene, I talk online to a man who would like me to be his sub. I understand that every situation is different but wondered if you could give me a few pointers as to obvious warning signs I should look out for if he is a false Dom and what he should be doing if he is not false to make the relationship healthy?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Mouse77

There are lots of ways to flush out poseurs and predatory men. I'm sure you're talking a lot online so ask loads of questions and ask the same thing a few weeks apart to see if you get the same answer. The easiest way to trip up liars is to nitpick and expect them to remember exactly what they've told you.

If you haven't yet, google for a BDSM checklist and fill it out to make sure you are as sexually compatible as you think you are. Get him to fill out an identical list and compare notes. It almost always throws up areas for clarification.

Meet in a public place and never with anything sexual on the agenda that first meeting. Safecalls are also a good idea. Make sure someone knows where you are going and the guy's name description etc. Have them call you at regular intervals to ensure you're ok and also agree an emergency code. E.g. the specific phrase, 'everything's fantastic' is code for 'he's got a gun to my head, call the police!' so that you can't be made to say you're ok when you're not.

I'm sure you have a good feeling about this guy and I don't want to make you paranoid but you do have to consider your own safety. If he's the decent bloke that you believe him to be, he should have no problem with any of this stuff.

Best of luck.

 

[SinfulSailor]

I rented the movie "Secretary" and watched it with my husband indicating i would be into that.

My first impression is that this, or buying some books or something else similar, would have a good chance at success.

Did it work?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Hi, I am new to the BDSM scene, I talk online to a man who would like me to be his sub. I understand that every situation is different but wondered if you could give me a few pointers as to obvious warning signs I should look out for if he is a false Dom and what he should be doing if he is not false to make the relationship healthy?

Reading this thread will give you a fun way of getting to know some of the things to watch out for. Other than that I would suggest lots of reading, looking for inconsistencies in things he says (if there are any), not getting manipulated into anything you don't want to. As to what he should do to make it a healthy relationship, I believe that is a two way street where both people work to make it work.

Catalina

 

[BlondeRose]

I am new to the BDSM myself and have already had a few pms here from some that claim to be Doms. But so far the ones that I have talk to I got the feeling they are not the real deals. I think they see that I have posted in here and they are just going on that.

So thanks to all for saying what to look out for and the links.

 

[FurryFury]

Hi, I am new to the BDSM scene, I talk online to a man who would like me to be his sub. I understand that every situation is different but wondered if you could give me a few pointers as to obvious warning signs I should look out for if he is a false Dom and what he should be doing if he is not false to make the relationship healthy?

If s/he comes on too strong before getting to actually know you that's a sign that he is an asshat.

The two of you should work on communicating together like two people who might want to have a relationship together first IMO.

You should talk together about interests and limits.

It really helps when you know what you want but that can be difficult with little experience.

You should be aware that the vast majority of online contacts are either not what they would like you to believe, or have no intention of ever taking anything to real time, or real life.

That doesn't make them bad people. You can have a good experience with someone like that, sometimes, for a while, but it will likely be limited and end.

Many people online quickly become jealous, irrational and immature.

I personally, would never give anyone my phone number, location, picture, or any other information, until I felt I could truly trust them. Even then I might not because I have a family and career to protect. I've found my judgment with regard to other people to be flawed from time to time as well.

Always practice safety in what information you give out online. Be aware, that anything, once put online, is out there, out of your control, period.

I truly believe if you really want to get into real BDSM it's better go to a munch, then some demos and get to know real people in real life.

That being said, there are the rare gems, that actually are real, online. People have met online and go on to meet in person, then commit to one another and be happy together.

It's also worth noting that exploring online in pseudo safety can be quite a lot of fun. It may surprise you how intense your feelings become and how real it can feel to you.

If you find yourself with someone who doesn't allow you a way to air your thoughts and feelings because you are supposed to be a sub to them, that's not right. That too is an Asshat. Communication is essential in any relationship. IMO, it's even more important in a potential BDSM relationship, that might be going to real life someday.

I'm low on sleep today. So I hope the above makes sense to you.

General pointers: Always ask questions when you don't know something. Get as many responses as you can. Wade through them. Use what seems real and correct to you. Throw the rest away.

 

[LifelongCyn]

Reading this thread will give you a fun way of getting to know some of the things to watch out for. Other than that I would suggest lots of reading, looking for inconsistencies in things he says (if there are any), not getting manipulated into anything you don't want to. As to what he should do to make it a healthy relationship, I believe that is a two way street where both people work to make it work.

Catalina

Thank you so much for linking this thread! It's hysterical and, sadly, I think I've met this guy already.

I've found so much helpful information in the posts of Catalina, FurryFury, Velvet, and the many other thoughtful folks here on Lit. It's literally been a sanity saver for me. Thanks!

 

[DreamSensualist]

.......

 

[LifelongCyn]

I've been registered for a while now, but for some reason, posting makes me nervous; now seems to be the time to confront this irrational fear and start a thread of my own. I readily admit that this little phobia of mine is absurd, but it correlates with a problem that's been looming in the back of my mind for several years now. I'm sure this sort of question has been asked many a time, and I apologize if I bore any who read this, but I feel compelled to get it off my chest. I am undeniably, irrepressibly submissive; this scares me. I have attempted to ignore it, talk myself out of it, and suppress this urge, but it has never worked. It seems to be an inherent trait, and I just have to accept it; I'm working towards that goal, but it will be a long time coming, I'm afraid.

Now that the painful rambling is over, here comes the question: does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can overcome my shyness and no longer be ashamed of what I undoubtedly am? I'm dying to tell someone, anyone close to me, but whenever I try, the words get trapped in my throat.

Thank you for reading this- I just needed to write it. =]

I understand the need to tell somebody you know about how you feel, to release the pressure valve before it explodes, so to speak. The folks on this board are great but talking to them just seems to fuel the need to explore D/S more for me. I am lucky in that I have a net friend that I can talk to, an author on another story site that I give feedback to. He writes kinky stories, too, so he wasn't judgemental and he understood a bit of what I was talking about. Before I talked to him, I thought that I was going to jump out of my skin. Now that I've told someone, I feel more in control again.

My situation is somewhat different in that I am married and can't really explore in RL, but damned if I wasn't ready to throw my life away because I needed to explore for a while there. Talking to someone I felt connected to help me get past that moment of insanity.