Serious Discussion: The Mental Health of Dominants

[neci]

Heh, I'm talking about the more typical "I don't know how to cook because I get easily frustrated in the kitchen/I've never tried/that's a woman's job; I'm also perfectly happy eating TV dinners anyways."

fucking jack in the box
2 tacos and a jumbo jack with cheese
large cock
i mean coke. i am not deleting that. on a diet of tacos and jumbo jacks, sperm is not given the proper nutrients to taste good. not that i won't swallow, but still. take some pride in your flavor.

I love to cook. It's dishes I won't do.

Also I wear my insecurities on my sleeve. It's the new black.

Aren't most people dysfunctional anyway? And there's nothing as scary to me as someone who claims to be completely healed functional and fine.

my dishwasher is broken. it has to be replaced. in order to replace it, i am going to need to get new cabinets, because the bottom cabinets are too low accommodate a standard size dishwasher. i don't want a tiny dishwasher, and my cabinets desperately need to be replaced. they are from the 40's and were not loved properly over their lifetime. waiting it out is the hard part. it's on the list of things to get done, but isn't top priority at the moment. i have to wait to do it right, and in the mean time, i'm washing by hand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJepydyzt8Q

I know that's right.

*sigh*
i still want to be a princess.

I couldn't have said this any better. I have never communicated as openly abut everything I feel as I do right now, and I'm clearer and healthier than I can ever remember being.

this too shall pass.

 

[CutieMouse]

I love to cook. It's dishes I won't do.

I love to cook and do dishes; I'm sick like that.

My teensy little house has the original metal kitchen cabinets (painted), no dishwasher and no microwave. I hung a clothesline from the frame of the kitchen window to the huge tree in the middle of the back yard, and one of my favorite things to do now is wash a sink full of dishes - window open, breeze blowing in, laundry flapping on the line, Pandora Radio on the iPhone. It's very soothing, in a weird sort of way...

 

[Tilia_Fondi]

hmmm

It's not so long ago that people (particularly females) displaying forms of 'sexual deviance' such as masochism, sadism, G+L would have been diagnosed as being mentally ill and sectioned, even chemically castrated.

Like many have said, there aren't many people that can say they have never felt a bit screwed up or down at times. I think in a bdsm relationship each partner has to fully understand the other person as so many of us are fragile emotionally, a new bdsm relationship could trigger, and also mask, issues with dependency, self esteem etc.

Im quite sure there are many unhealthy bdsm relationships where 1 or both partners should probably seek professional advice! And maybe the lifestyle does attract people with certain psychological traits but that doesn't necessarily mean those traits are bad, everyones are just different and draw you to different things in life. Damn you need some pretty strong psychological traits to be a top businessman/woman or professional athlete!

Everyone is programmed differently, everyone has problems, be it from nature or nurture, and we can't continue to label everyone who has low self esteem or other such issues as being mentally ill.

Personally I'm submissive in bed only (or bottom, or whatever the hell label im using!) and i don't have any mental health problems, at least not that im aware, which is probably worse! Of course i've had problems in my past and get down at times but thats just life and if my submissive nature in bed stems from any issues ive had in the past then yay to them cos I freaking love it!

end xx

 

[neci]

I love to cook and do dishes; I'm sick like that.

My teensy little house has the original metal kitchen cabinets (painted), no dishwasher and no microwave. I hung a clothesline from the frame of the kitchen window to the huge tree in the middle of the back yard, and one of my favorite things to do now is wash a sink full of dishes - window open, breeze blowing in, laundry flapping on the line, Pandora Radio on the iPhone. It's very soothing, in a weird sort of way...

i try to channel this, but man... my brain does not slow down. i can slow it outside in the garden or working, but dishes? i think i have some kind of mental block. it gets done, because i know i feel better when things are cleared and clean. the task of doing it is not erotic. or peaceful. it is dirty clutter. i need to work on getting some of that dish time peace of mind.

It's not so long ago that people (particularly females) displaying forms of 'sexual deviance' such as masochism, sadism, G+L would have been diagnosed as being mentally ill and sectioned, even chemically castrated.

Like many have said, there aren't many people that can say they have never felt a bit screwed up or down at times. I think in a bdsm relationship each partner has to fully understand the other person as so many of us are fragile emotionally, a new bdsm relationship could trigger, and also mask, issues with dependency, self esteem etc.

Im quite sure there are many unhealthy bdsm relationships where 1 or both partners should probably seek professional advice! And maybe the lifestyle does attract people with certain psychological traits but that doesn't necessarily mean those traits are bad, everyones are just different and draw you to different things in life. Damn you need some pretty strong psychological traits to be a top businessman/woman or professional athlete!

Everyone is programmed differently, everyone has problems, be it from nature or nurture, and we can't continue to label everyone who has low self esteem or other such issues as being mentally ill.

Personally I'm submissive in bed only (or bottom, or whatever the hell label im using!) and i don't have any mental health problems, at least not that im aware, which is probably worse! Of course i've had problems in my past and get down at times but thats just life and if my submissive nature in bed stems from any issues ive had in the past then yay to them cos I freaking love it!

end xx

i remember the first time someone ever saw me playing with pain. i was on a bus. i had a pair of plyers from my backpack, and i was pinching my skin. i was looking more at the patterns and the colors. lost in my head. the pain felt good in a way. i noticed the boy sitting across from me. he was looking at me with this shocked look on his face. he asked me if i was okay. i told him i was fine, smiled and looked away. he looked like he was afraid of me. he had this worry and concern. like he should be telling someone. i felt guilty. for scaring him. my finger was purple.

 

[Chiara_searches]

BIG. FUCKING. DITTO.
At this point I would normally ramble on, but I will curb my natural tendency.
Chiara...so much love for you.

Thank you Rekane!

I couldn't have said this any better. I have never communicated as openly abut everything I feel as I do right now, and I'm clearer and healthier than I can ever remember being.

And thank you on multiple levels for saying this.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

i remember the first time someone ever saw me playing with pain. i was on a bus. i had a pair of plyers from my backpack, and i was pinching my skin. i was looking more at the patterns and the colors. lost in my head. the pain felt good in a way. i noticed the boy sitting across from me. he was looking at me with this shocked look on his face. he asked me if i was okay. i told him i was fine, smiled and looked away. he looked like he was afraid of me. he had this worry and concern. like he should be telling someone. i felt guilty. for scaring him. my finger was purple.

For me it was the pointy end of a compass and maths class. I was bored, I was much more advanced than the material being covered. The pain was more interesting. The star and my initial that I scratched into the soft skin in the crook of my elbow stayed for weeks. I knew I was different, and it was disconcerting, but I didn't worry too much about it. I was more worried about my lack of attraction to any of the boys in class, like my friends were.

...And maybe the lifestyle does attract people with certain psychological traits but that doesn't necessarily mean those traits are bad, everyones are just different and draw you to different things in life.

I'd agree with this.

A whole bunch of people might have the same traits. But it's all the other factors that make up your life that decide how those turn out, which makes everyone different in the end.

 

[ImOnIt]

I do dishes without thinking about it. I just zone out after I finish eating and tidy.

Some people move portions of food into increasingly smaller containers in their refrigerator. I question their mental health.

 

[DVS]

I claim to be completely healed, functional and fine. Oh, scary, scary Dom!

 

[sb2009]

I am batshit crazy and admit it. It's managed well, with some times that it's managed slightly less well.

My husband had issues as well, but they aren't as severe as mine. Not because he's all domly strong, but because him mommy loves him and mine didn't ;-)

Right, my point: I am not and doubt I ever will be healed and totally free of my issues. Just won't happen. What I think is that I will continue, every day, to learn to cope with them better and better.

 

[Keroin]

And there's nothing as scary to me as someone who claims to be completely healed functional and fine.

Wow.

I don't think I'm perfect but I'm fully functional and fine and I'd say that most of what remains of my past issues are very well healed scars.

When I was not healthy, functional and fine, my life was a mess. Very much a "one step forward, two steps back" existence. I hurt people, I hurt myself, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not. I was stuck on a very unhappy hamster wheel.

When I finally pulled my head out of my ass, looked unflinchingly at myself and actively sought to heal and correct a damaging pattern of behaviour, everything changed. For the better. Holy fuck for the better. Now, even when my life is bad, it's good, and I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love in return. I'm human, I'm not flawless but, coddamn, I am healthy and happy.

That makes me the scariest thing to you?

 

[eastern sun]

i remember the first time someone ever saw me playing with pain. i was on a bus. i had a pair of plyers from my backpack, and i was pinching my skin. i was looking more at the patterns and the colors. lost in my head. the pain felt good in a way. i noticed the boy sitting across from me. he was looking at me with this shocked look on his face. he asked me if i was okay. i told him i was fine, smiled and looked away. he looked like he was afraid of me. he had this worry and concern. like he should be telling someone. i felt guilty. for scaring him. my finger was purple.

For me it was the pointy end of a compass and maths class. I was bored, I was much more advanced than the material being covered. The pain was more interesting. The star and my initial that I scratched into the soft skin in the crook of my elbow stayed for weeks. I knew I was different, and it was disconcerting, but I didn't worry too much about it. I was more worried about my lack of attraction to any of the boys in class, like my friends were.

I just got called into my daughter's school for this kind of behavior. They think it's because we put too much stress on her. They've also been checking up on us surreptitiously with other parents who know us.

What will they make of the fact that our house is the place where the whole group of girls congregate, sleep over, etc.? Where I actually have an opportunity to talk to them about what is going on in this transitional period from elementary school to high school?

I'll be curious to see how this unfolds over time.

 

[Netzach]

Wow.

I don't think I'm perfect but I'm fully functional and fine and I'd say that most of what remains of my past issues are very well healed scars.

When I was not healthy, functional and fine, my life was a mess. Very much a "one step forward, two steps back" existence. I hurt people, I hurt myself, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not. I was stuck on a very unhappy hamster wheel.

When I finally pulled my head out of my ass, looked unflinchingly at myself and actively sought to heal and correct a damaging pattern of behaviour, everything changed. For the better. Holy fuck for the better. Now, even when my life is bad, it's good, and I am surrounded by people who love me and who I love in return. I'm human, I'm not flawless but, coddamn, I am healthy and happy.

That makes me the scariest thing to you?

No.

But the likelihood of dry drunks to make this claim is so high that I'll risk offending the few people who are.

As an adult child of someone who drank to death, I pretty much have to do that for my own sanity. It's very VERY rare for people who flag mental health to actually be it when pushed. If someone can point to five things and say "this is what I'm working on" it at least lets me know that there's not total denial in operation.

 

[Keroin]

No.

But the likelihood of dry drunks to make this claim is so high that I'll risk offending the few people who are.

As an adult child of someone who drank to death, I pretty much have to do that for my own sanity. It's very VERY rare for people who flag mental health to actually be it when pushed. If someone can point to five things and say "this is what I'm working on" it at least lets me know that there's not total denial in operation.

I’m not offended. But it seems whenever the subject of mental health comes up here, so does the “healthy is overrated” battle cry.

I disagree with this.

I look around at the people I know. Some are dealing with serious mental health issues. I see the impact this has on their life. You can’t convince me, for example, that my good friend wouldn’t benefit from being able to rid herself of depression and PTSD. In fact, she has made progress on both those fronts and the results are nothing but good for her, as she has told me, and as I can clearly see. (And I will offer my love and support and friendship regardless of how things go for her, BTW).

We all have baggage, we all have issues, we all struggle with our demons and our quirks, to some extent. But setting a goal of healthy, fully functional and fine, is not a terrible thing, no matter how difficult that may be to achieve. Just as accepting that not being healthy, fully functional and fine does not make you less worthy of happiness or a good life.

And among my real life friends, I would say, confidently, that a large majority are healthy, fully functional and fine. I don’t think it’s such an odd occurrence that people need to be suspicious and fearful of it.

But as the ex-wife of an alcoholic who drank himself to death, I get it. I get why you are cautious. I've been there.

 

[Netzach]

I’m not offended. But it seems whenever the subject of mental health comes up here, so does the “healthy is overrated” battle cry.

I disagree with this.

I look around at the people I know. Some are dealing with serious mental health issues. I see the impact this has on their life. You can’t convince me, for example, that my good friend wouldn’t benefit from being able to rid herself of depression and PTSD. In fact, she has made progress on both those fronts and the results are nothing but good for her, as she has told me, and as I can clearly see. (And I will offer my love and support and friendship regardless of how things go for her, BTW).

We all have baggage, we all have issues, we all struggle with our demons and our quirks, to some extent. But setting a goal of healthy, fully functional and fine, is not a terrible thing, no matter how difficult that may be to achieve. Just as accepting that not being healthy, fully functional and fine does not make you less worthy of happiness or a good life.

And among my real life friends, I would say, confidently, that a large majority are healthy, fully functional and fine. I don’t think it’s such an odd occurrence that people need to be suspicious and fearful of it.

But as the ex-wife of an alcoholic who drank himself to death, I get it. I get why you are cautious. I've been there.

I think that the goal of being *happier* is fine. I think using some kind of arbitrary or fantasy metric of "how well does this mesh with being a good consumer numbed to how messed up the status quo is" is too often foisted off on people. I watch M and I'd say that a lot of his misery is due to an elusive "how this was all supposed to be" that is sold to us. That disconnect is the source of so much strife for people, when really it might be better to just help us get OK with flux.

I'm working on it. I'm happy now. I'm in a good spot.

versus

"I'm fine."

It's subtle.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I love to cook and do dishes; I'm sick like that.

My teensy little house has the original metal kitchen cabinets (painted), no dishwasher and no microwave. I hung a clothesline from the frame of the kitchen window to the huge tree in the middle of the back yard, and one of my favorite things to do now is wash a sink full of dishes - window open, breeze blowing in, laundry flapping on the line, Pandora Radio on the iPhone. It's very soothing, in a weird sort of way...

I love to cook and clean up as well.

Please tell me you hang the sexy vintage lingerie of yours on that clothes line.

 

[CutieMouse]

I love to cook and clean up as well.

Please tell me you hang the sexy vintage lingerie of yours on that clothes line.

I actually took a picture one day after hanging out the laundry, because I realized that between the vintage and modern stuff, I'd pegged out almost $2,000 worth of lingerie in only 4 linear feet of clothesline.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I actually took a picture one day after hanging out the laundry, because I realized that between the vintage and modern stuff, I'd pegged out almost $2,000 worth of lingerie in only 4 linear feet of clothesline.

Wow.

I'm sure for any neighbor peeking in your backyard to see that collection of sexy items would be quite the treat.

Best.neighbor.ever.

 

[Keroin]

I think that the goal of being *happier* is fine. I think using some kind of arbitrary or fantasy metric of "how well does this mesh with being a good consumer numbed to how messed up the status quo is" is too often foisted off on people. I watch M and I'd say that a lot of his misery is due to an elusive "how this was all supposed to be" that is sold to us. That disconnect is the source of so much strife for people, when really it might be better to just help us get OK with flux.

I'm working on it. I'm happy now. I'm in a good spot.

versus

"I'm fine."

It's subtle.

I think we're in apples and oranges territory here.

For example, in the case of my friend, her condition makes it difficult for her to be around a lot of people or activity. This is tough on her because she has long been a very social person and really enjoys getting together with her friends. There's a big jazz festival here every year that she would love to attend but it's just too much for her, all the people, the noise, etc, (and this is small town stuff).

Merely wanting to be happier, isn't going to do it for her. And this has nothing to do with fitting into social norms or being a good consumer. It has everything to do with her wanting to be able to function in a way that allows her to do everyday type things that she enjoys.

She has been going through a combination of therapy, drugs and lifestyle changes in an attempt to find at least some kind of "normal" that she can live with. Ideally, she would like to be 100% better. That is her goal. For her "fine" and "happy" kind of go hand in hand.

She was fine enough this summer to spend one day at the jazz festival, BTW. That was a big deal for her.

 

[neci]

why was this thread moved?

there is actual conversation going in here about mental health. i believe both PYLs and pyls were responding to the topic.

bullshit IMO.

 

[neci]

do i need to start editing my posting and responding style in order to prevent future threads from being moved?

 

[Etoile]

Moved back to Talk per OP's request.

 

[neci]

Moved back to Talk per OP's request.

thank you.

i may need to go check out that submissive mental health thread here in a sec.

 

[Netzach]

I think we're in apples and oranges territory here.

For example, in the case of my friend, her condition makes it difficult for her to be around a lot of people or activity. This is tough on her because she has long been a very social person and really enjoys getting together with her friends. There's a big jazz festival here every year that she would love to attend but it's just too much for her, all the people, the noise, etc, (and this is small town stuff).

Merely wanting to be happier, isn't going to do it for her. And this has nothing to do with fitting into social norms or being a good consumer. It has everything to do with her wanting to be able to function in a way that allows her to do everyday type things that she enjoys.

She has been going through a combination of therapy, drugs and lifestyle changes in an attempt to find at least some kind of "normal" that she can live with. Ideally, she would like to be 100% better. That is her goal. For her "fine" and "happy" kind of go hand in hand.

She was fine enough this summer to spend one day at the jazz festival, BTW. That was a big deal for her.

I'm saying that "fine" in the case of people who weren't always "fine" (and who is) is the product of vigilance, work, meds, luck, time, distance, and process, shrinks, religion, aging.

Which hurt. The less you are fine the more it does.

So if someone is claiming to skate through with none of the above, or acting like it, I'm red flagged out on it.

Again, the problem for a lot of people IS compounded by this pressure to be publicly "fine" when nothing is for them. The sin of negativity or looking for help is cardinal.

 

[neci]

i'm pretty far from having all of my shit together, but that's okay. i do the things i know i need to do in order to feel better. some days it's better, some days it's worse. as much as i know that i alone can't make someone happy, i feel this responsibility to do that. happy isn't the word. i want them to have peace. being able to do that gives me peace. i try to give that, even when hurts me. maybe that's the masochistic part. trying again and again in spite of knowing what's going to happen. the "domming up" and being assertive is exhausting. change is just as exhausting. i'm glad it's spring. the sunny days, thunderstorms and new growth from the earth help.

 

[Keroin]

I'm saying that "fine" in the case of people who weren't always "fine" (and who is) is the product of vigilance, work, meds, luck, time, distance, and process, shrinks, religion, aging.

Which hurt. The less you are fine the more it does.

So if someone is claiming to skate through with none of the above, or acting like it, I'm red flagged out on it.

Again, the problem for a lot of people IS compounded by this pressure to be publicly "fine" when nothing is for them. The sin of negativity or looking for help is cardinal.

Huh. Maybe I just live in a different part of the world. Where I am, I see a lot of support, both organized and not, for folks who aren't "normal" or "perfect", for those who don't fit inside the neat boxes of expectation.