Sex and Emotional Connection

[ToPleaseHim]

Great read...

Like others, I really need to think about this before I can respond. CM, I am going to check out that TED Talk.

 

[cookiecat]

"... Sex is also intensely personal There are women out there...who view it much like men do - it isn't about love, it's about fun. But even those women typically require the presence of some emotion in order for it to work - chemistry, trust, respect, affection, good humor, etc. - because love or no love, sex is connection."

That's unfounded garbage. I am offended on behalf of men in general on that one. Who says men don't equate sex with affection? Really?? That is ancient stereotype. I am sure there there are as many women as men who are able to have a no-strings-attached good time as men. [In my observation of those around me I know it to be true.] I think that men in relationships feel as strongly rejected by their partner or more so with a rejection of any sort of physical intimacy. Why wouldn't they?

For sure that's a stereotype but I don't think it takes away from the questions asked. This was written two paragraphs down:

...And this goes not just for women, but for all people. I've known Dominants who felt they could be vulnerable only during sex, and so they would ask for that instead of talking about what was bothering them, or even simply as a distraction from their own thoughts and troubles.

Agree that this conversation could take place without bringing in gender. That being said, the OP was quoting from a book she read:

I read a book today called "Conquer Me: Girl - to - Girl Wisdom About Fulfilling Your Submissive Desires" by Kacie Cunningham.

This is a book written by a submissive for other submissives. And something in Chapter 8 struck me as so profound that I wanted to share it and see what other thoughts are on the subject of sex and connection.

I imagine the author was capturing the imagination of her audience.

The questions are still worth discussion - do we use sex as a way to feel emotionally connected? Why is it hard to express that need for an emotional connection without having sex?

 

[cookiecat]

Great read...

Like others, I really need to think about this before I can respond. CM, I am going to check out that TED Talk.

Can you link???

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Can you link???

Sure: Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability

Well worth the watch! Thanks for the suggestion, CutieMouse!

 

[SpunThings]

Sure: Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability

Well worth the watch! Thanks for the suggestion, CutieMouse!

Such a great talk! I love her words on vulnerability and shame.

 

[OldDom]

I must preface my responses with a little background information about myself. I'm old (sorry....older). My experiences differ from the stereotypical Dom that seems to be presenting themselves on Lit. There have been several rash generalizations put out here concerning what the male of the species actually is and how they react to sex, feelings, intimacy, and dominance. In my case and from my perspective, a male's greatest fear in the world is rejection. Rejection of his advances, his feelings and, himself . I know....the macho image, the "nothing phases me" image, the image of "I don't care what you think of me"....it's all a front for the most part. If you can find a male to honestly open up and share his true feelings, you'll find what I've said is true. It shows a vulnerability that men do not want to be seen....especially by a stranger, or worse, a submissive he is attempting to dominate.

I agree with almost everything that BW65 posted here. It was interesting to see another male with similar feelings and experiences. It has been a major learning curve to for me to realize that there are submissive females that accept a Dom with vulnerabilities and feelings. That are interested in having conversations about other things than sex. That are willing to share their true feelings once they realize I am not just "BSing" them. It has not been an overnight revelation.....it has been a long and arduous journey with many tears shed and many feelings hurt but I feel I have reached the end of that journey with a lady that I met on Lit that seems to share similar feelings. That's my very basic background..... Now to the questions.....



1. Have you experienced this, or can you think back to a time or event when you asked for sex but you really just wanted a connection? The honest answer is YES. I believe it's human nature to go through this stage somewhere in the process of actually finding love and a connection with another person.....It's that ugly rejection thing again....reject my sexual advances and I can comprehend that but rejection of the expression of my true feelings devastates me. It goes to my self-worth...that I can't comprehend. At this stage of my life, I understand all of this but understanding it doesn't make it any easier..

2. In your current or past D/s relationship, have you managed to break this cycle and speak about your needs with your Dom/sub? The short answer.....YES. My current situation is in a "fluid state". I've found the one person I have been searching for but there are complications that I won't burden anyone with......plus it makes me incredibly sad to even think about. I've found what every Dom searches for...a submissive that is interested in me AND is willing to share her true feelings with me.

3. If you're not in a D/s relationship currently, do you find that you use sex to gain the attention of others in the hope that the connection will follow? [COLOR="DarkRed""] No longer[/COLOR]



Keep in mind, these musings are mine....my experiences, my feelings, my relationship with my amazing submissive. AND yes I do understand she has given me the greatest gift imaginable....her submission.

 

[Blue]

_____

 

[BlackWolf65]

It was interesting to see another male with similar feelings and experiences. It has been a major learning curve to for me to realize that there are submissive females that accept a Dom with vulnerabilities and feelings.

I think there are a lot more like us out there, actually. But it comes to that whole image thing again. It's hard to break what we view as societal norms.

 

[SquishyBits]

Thank you OldDom for sharing and for opening my eyes. I enjoy being a submissive but I need more from my Dom than just sex. I want to be his confidante. It is comforting to know that there are men like you out there.

 

[cascadiabound]

It was interesting to see another male with similar feelings and experiences. It has been a major learning curve to for me to realize that there are submissive females that accept a Dom with vulnerabilities and feelings. That are interested in having conversations about other things than sex. That are willing to share their true feelings once they realize I am not just "BSing" them.

I think there are a lot more like us out there, actually. But it comes to that whole image thing again. It's hard to break what we view as societal norms.

Frankly I am utterly uninterested in a man who is unable to share his feelings and experiences. Who is able to show me his true self which includes his vulnerabilities. Because, I know he must have them. Only a man who has the strength and maturity to be a full person with me is worthy to Dom me.

Ideally - I would like this in the men who are my friends too.

Because I don't need (or want) a man to be all tough and powerful all the time. Yea it's fun to have him control me and play in the whole D/s thing. But without the basis of a real relationship that includes two way communication and vulnerability it is just a shell of what it has the potential to be.

 

[SquishyBits]

But without the basis of a real relationship that includes two way communication and vulnerability it is just a shell of what it has the potential to be.

Well put!

 

[cookiecat]

Sure: Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability

Well worth the watch! Thanks for the suggestion, CutieMouse!

haha! I want her to dominate me! She wants to understand messy, lay the code out, understand it and figure it out. Messy = me. She wants to deconstruct shame. I love that.

I wrote some random thoughts as she was talking...

is there something about me that if people know me, people won't want to connect with me? shame, fear, i'm not good enough.

in order for connection to happen, we have to be seen.

believing we're worthy of love and connection allows us to have it.

we must be willing to let go of who we thought we should be in order to have authentic connections

have the willingness to do something with no guarantees.

vulnerable is the birthplace of love, joy, connection / vulnerable is the core of fear, shame

i like the way she describes the fight against being vulnerable - she called it a street fight.... she lost and gained her life back.

we live in a vulnerable world so we numb vulnerability: we are the most in debt, obese, addicted generation... we can't selectively numb vulnerability. you can't numb the hard feelings without numbing joy, gratitude, happiness.

it's interesting the correlation between vulnerability and the state of politics today...

believing we're enough.


I loved this talk. Lots to think about.

 

[cascadiabound]

Is there something about me that if people know me, people won't want to connect with me? shame, fear, I'm not good enough.

in order for connection to happen, we have to be seen.

Believing we're worthy of love and connection allows us to have it/ create it.

We must be willing to let go of who we thought we should be in order to have authentic connections

It is necessary to be willing to do something with no guarantees.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, connection / vulnerabilty is the core of fear, shame

Numbing the hard feelings means that we also numb joy, gratitude, happiness.

Lots to think about. Definitely. Lots to think about. These things particularly ring true for me too.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Fwiw, this is an issue for most humans. Maybe for women, more than men. It's hard for most people to know what they need at times, much less feel comfortable enough to voice it. So trust in partners and self-confidence and experience are factors. Maybe with sub and dom factors added in, it adds more complexity. I think it's impossible to take the need for intimacy out of sex. Humans are wired for both. If we could just figure out how to balance it and ask for what we need, life might be a tad easier.

Fritz Perls said it all, THERES ONLY ME AND YOU AND ALL THE BULL SHIT THAT EXISTS BETWEEN US. The short answer is simply, STFU. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

 

[BlackWolf65]

Fritz Perls said it all, THERES ONLY ME AND YOU AND ALL THE BULL SHIT THAT EXISTS BETWEEN US. The short answer is simply, STFU. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

And then again, sometimes it's much more...

 

[BlackWolf65]

Frankly I am utterly uninterested in a man who is unable to share his feelings and experiences. Who is able to show me his true self which includes his vulnerabilities. Because, I know he must have them. Only a man who has the strength and maturity to be a full person with me is worthy to Dom me.

Ideally - I would like this in the men who are my friends too.

Because I don't need (or want) a man to be all tough and powerful all the time. Yea it's fun to have him control me and play in the whole D/s thing. But without the basis of a real relationship that includes two way communication and vulnerability it is just a shell of what it has the potential to be.

I've found that this is true of most women. And yet, we men still believe - or at least we pretend to believe - that women want the macho image - all tough, no feelings, no vulnerabilities. Kind of like, "I am male, hear me fucking roar." We get that pounded into us from day one.

Then we grow up and find out that women actually want the softer side of us. But we're completely unprepared and unschooled in how to lay that out in the open. Society fucks with our heads - both men and women.

 

[Farawyn]

The only men on this planet who engage only in indiscriminate promiscuity for time-killing recreational purposes, e.g "fun" or "sex for the sake of sex", and never for the emotional bonding are psychopaths.

Psychopaths is strong from my POV.
There are always times to just throw yourself in and see what comes up. The lust thang, play, no strings... Etc.
I think, if it's a way of life and never sex and emotions meet? Maybe more... Immaturity is the word?

Thoughts as I drive around on my work day.

 

[Farawyn]

I've found that this is true of most women. And yet, we men still believe - or at least we pretend to believe - that women want the macho image - all tough, no feelings, no vulnerabilities. Kind of like, "I am male, hear me fucking roar." We get that pounded into us from day one.

Then we grow up and find out that women actually want the softer side of us. But we're completely unprepared and unschooled in how to lay that out in the open. Society fucks with our heads - both men and women.

Agree. And we do. We want both. Or, I do.
Roar all you want, but there needs to be the tender underbelly.
That I can stick my knife into and twist.

Kidding.

 

[Farawyn]

haha! I want her to dominate me! She wants to understand messy, lay the code out, understand it and figure it out. Messy = me. She wants to deconstruct shame. I love that.

I wrote some random thoughts as she was talking...

is there something about me that if people know me, people won't want to connect with me? shame, fear, i'm not good enough.

in order for connection to happen, we have to be seen.

believing we're worthy of love and connection allows us to have it.

we must be willing to let go of who we thought we should be in order to have authentic connections

have the willingness to do something with no guarantees.

vulnerable is the birthplace of love, joy, connection / vulnerable is the core of fear, shame

i like the way she describes the fight against being vulnerable - she called it a street fight.... she lost and gained her life back.

we live in a vulnerable world so we numb vulnerability: we are the most in debt, obese, addicted generation... we can't selectively numb vulnerability. you can't numb the hard feelings without numbing joy, gratitude, happiness.

it's interesting the correlation between vulnerability and the state of politics today...

believing we're enough.


I loved this talk. Lots to think about.

Yes to all.
-Messy Far

 

[cookiecat]

Fritz Perls said it all, THERES ONLY ME AND YOU AND ALL THE BULL SHIT THAT EXISTS BETWEEN US. The short answer is simply, STFU. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

One thing I like about the relationship I have is when I'm overanalyzing everything and vomiting all back out, my guy will just say "enough" and I'm good with that. I know talking about it just one more time won't solve a thing.

 

[cascadiabound]

And because I am a post feminist kind of woman - who wanted to believe that gender did not matter and that I was equal to anyone else I adopted many of the characteristics - outwardly anyway- listed by BW65

- all tough, no feelings, no vulnerabilities. Kind of like, "I am woman, hear me fucking roar."

Then we grow up and find out that women actually want the softer side of us. But we're completely unprepared and unschooled in how to lay that out in the open. Society fucks with our heads - both men and women.

it is absolutely true that societal expectations and norms along with media protrayals fucks with both men and women. In all kinds of ways. As we peel away one layer, we find another that we need to figure out and work on. It seems to be part of one's life work.

 

[OldDom]

I agree with cascadiabound:
it is absolutely true that societal expectations and norms along with media protrayals fucks with both men and women. In all kinds of ways. As we peel away one layer, we find another that we need to figure out and work on. It seems to be part of one's life work.

We are all influenced by the expectations that are imprinted on us from birth....passed down from generation to generation....women act this way....men act that way.....show emotions....don't show emotions....this will cause you to appear stronger or weaker. It's all a mind-fuck (if you'll pardon my language). When men and women....guys and girls....or just plain old people come to this place we call Lit, it's with the preconceived notions of what we need to fulfill our needs. But....after some serious self-examination and evaluation....and a hell of a steep learning curve, we discover our true inner-self. Not the one imprinted on us from birth but our true inner-self. We are expected to know what love truly is and how to attain it when we are young and for a fortunate few, it works. But as we gain experience (make that read "get older") we discover the touching and cuddling and strong passions associated with true love. We discover the need to actually FEEL and not just portray an image. Just my opinion.

 

[Farawyn]

I agree.
But sometimes...
If I admit I want sex and not love, there is still a double standard. And that's where the stuffing down all those good lusty feelings because they aren't right without love come in.
Sex with love is ultimate. Or at least some tender hearted feelings. But sex without love is sometimes what's needed. Sometimes you just need to bang it out. Even women.

We are talking about 2 different things, I think. Your post just sent me on my own tangent. Apologies.

 

[OldDom]

I agree.
But sometimes...
If I admit I want sex and not love, there is still a double standard. And that's where the stuffing down all those good lusty feelings because they aren't right without love come in.
Sex with love is ultimate. Or at least some tender hearted feelings. But sex without love is sometimes what's needed. Sometimes you just need to bang it out. Even women.

We are talking about 2 different things, I think. Your post just sent me on my own tangent. Apologies.

Never apologize if they are your true feelings.

And, yes, there are times we all need to just "bang it out"....but if you were able to find that person who knew you well enough to understand those times....and could differentiate between the times and your needs.....you would have found the perfect person for you.....it's an amazing feeling. It's incredibly easy to fall in love with that person. Incredibly easy.....

 

[Farawyn]

Is it!??

HMPH.