Sex and Emotional Connection

[SpunThings]

Never apologize if they are your true feelings.

And, yes, there are times we all need to just "bang it out"....but if you were able to find that person who knew you well enough to understand those times....and could differentiate between the times and your needs.....you would have found the perfect person for you.....it's an amazing feeling. It's incredibly easy to fall in love with that person. Incredibly easy.....

Maybe not all. There has never been a time where just masturbating wasn't enough. The thought of having sex without love repulses me. However, I don't really feel attraction until I've formed a bond with someone.

 

[Farawyn]

Maybe not all. There has never been a time where just masturbating wasn't enough. The thought of having sex without love repulses me. However, I don't really feel attraction until I've formed a bond with someone.

I can not have love and have a good time. Or a tender time. Or laugh. Or...whatever.

My goal is to fuck someone I love, that I'm in love with, but that doesn't always happen.
Love is more complicated than sex.

 

[OldDom]

Is it!??

HMPH.

In my experience.....yeah.

But every person is different....if we all were the same, there would be no kinky....only vanilla. ROTFLMAO

 

[Farawyn]

In my experience.....yeah.

But every person is different....if we all were the same, there would be no kinky....only vanilla. ROTFLMAO

Vanilla is sweet and has depth of flavor, and can be perfect in it's simplicity.

 

[OldDom]

Vanilla is sweet and has depth of flavor, and can be perfect in it's simplicity.

Touchè ..... A very vital flavor!

 

[AKentuckyLady]

Maybe not all. There has never been a time where just masturbating wasn't enough. The thought of having sex without love repulses me. However, I don't really feel attraction until I've formed a bond with someone.

I can not have love and have a good time. Or a tender time. Or laugh. Or...whatever.

My goal is to fuck someone I love, that I'm in love with, but that doesn't always happen.
Love is more complicated than sex.

I've thought about these two views for a while now. And I know there have been times when I've approached sex with both mindsets.

But looking back at the times when I had a good fuck without the feelings of attachment, I always felt hollow afterwards. Not shame - I know it's not that. And it's not anything to do with how I was raised, or societal norms.

That intangible piece of the puzzle was missing. Sure, at the beginning of I had the mindset that this was just going to be physical, and maybe I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything more. But even if there was cuddling and kissing and tender moments during and afterward, I'd feel oddly disconnected, let down, maybe even a little sad.

Of course not everyone feels this way, and I fully support Farawyn's point of view and attitude. I sort of wish I could be that free, uninhibited, and able to enjoy it as a moment or event that was fun and easy and move on. But I can't.

 

[Farawyn]

I've thought about these two views for a while now. And I know there have been times when I've approached sex with both mindsets.

But looking back at the times when I had a good fuck without the feelings of attachment, I always felt hollow afterwards. Not shame - I know it's not that. And it's not anything to do with how I was raised, or societal norms.

That intangible piece of the puzzle was missing. Sure, at the beginning of I had the mindset that this was just going to be physical, and maybe I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything more. But even if there was cuddling and kissing and tender moments during and afterward, I'd feel oddly disconnected, let down, maybe even a little sad.

Of course not everyone feels this way, and I fully support Farawyn's point of view and attitude. I sort of wish I could be that free, uninhibited, and able to enjoy it as a moment or event that was fun and easy and move on. But I can't.

I'm not saying I've never felt shame. Shame is there. I'm a woman in my 40s, and I sadly think its built into my fabric.
I'm fighting it, though.

 

[OldDom]

But looking back at the times when I had a good fuck without the feelings of
Of course not everyone feels this way, and I fully support Farawyn's point of view and attitude. I sort of wish I could be that free, uninhibited, and able to enjoy it as a moment or event that was fun and easy and move on. But I can't.

Don't change. Be yourself! Don't give up hope! Best advice I can give you.

 

[srgreene]

"... Sex is also intensely personal There are women out there...who view it much like men do - it isn't about love, it's about fun. But even those women typically require the presence of some emotion in order for it to work - chemistry, trust, respect, affection, good humor, etc. - because love or no love, sex is connection."

That's unfounded garbage. I am offended on behalf of men in general on that one. Who says men don't equate sex with affection? Really?? That is ancient stereotype. I am sure there there are as many women as men who are able to have a no-strings-attached good time as men. [In my observation of those around me I know it to be true.] I think that men in relationships feel as strongly rejected by their partner or more so with a rejection of any sort of physical intimacy. Why wouldn't they?

Well there are a lot of men who can have sex with a woman and it's purely a physical connection, perhaps mixed with pride at their ability to score. I think there are fewer women- certainly some, but fewer- who feel similarly.

 

[BlackWolf65]

Never apologize if they are your true feelings.

And, yes, there are times we all need to just "bang it out"....but if you were able to find that person who knew you well enough to understand those times....and could differentiate between the times and your needs.....you would have found the perfect person for you.....it's an amazing feeling. It's incredibly easy to fall in love with that person. Incredibly easy.....

^THIS^...

 

[BlackWolf65]

Vanilla is sweet and has depth of flavor, and can be perfect in it's simplicity.

^And THIS, as well^...

 

[BlackWolf65]

Well there are a lot of men who can have sex with a woman and it's purely a physical connection, perhaps mixed with pride at their ability to score. I think there are fewer women- certainly some, but fewer- who feel similarly.

I'm sorry, but I disagree. I think that there are a lot of men - myself among them - who sometimes think that it's all just physical, and it means nothing other than an orgasm. We think that, and we pass it off that way, and we even do a damned good fucking job of convincing ourselves that's what it is - all it is.

But in the end, I think it's most accurately the way that AKL described it - a hollow feeling. Not bad, not negative, just... Hollow, like there's so much missing.

I have to come back to this - and several people have touched on it: When one is emotionally connected to the person they're having sex with, then it doesn't matter why the sex is taking place. It can be just simple, physical lust, and that's fine - there won't be that hollow feeling, because this is a person you're already connected to, who understands that sometimes, it's just about the orgasm.

I have found, over the years, that sex without an emotional connection is really nothing but glorified masturbation. Yeah, it feels good, but there's nothing to take home with you at the end of it.

Edit to Add: But then, I'm no expert on these things, as recent events will illustrate...

 

[Farawyn]

Oh, I have no clue about any of this. I do it wrong all the time.

 

[BlackWolf65]

Oh, I have no clue about any of this. I do it wrong all the time.

Heh - welcome to my world! At my age, still trying to find the one real relationship...

 

[cookiecat]

Heh - welcome to my world! At my age, still trying to find the one real relationship...

I had to let go of a ton of preconceived ideas of what/who I thought I wanted. Especially in the D/s realm.

It took a while, but once I realized the men I'd been dating never worked out, I did that George Costanza opposite thing. (Seinfeld anyone??) Whatever I thought was right, I did the opposite. What I had been doing just didn't lead to that emotional connection.

I ended up with my husband who is the coolest cucumber ever. Turns out, that fits my chaotic, messy personality quite well.

 

[BlackWolf65]

I had to let go of a ton of preconceived ideas of what/who I thought I wanted. Especially in the D/s realm.

It took a while, but once I realized the men I'd been dating never worked out, I did that George Costanza opposite thing. (Seinfeld anyone??) Whatever I thought was right, I did the opposite. What I had been doing just didn't lead to that emotional connection.

I ended up with my husband who is the coolest cucumber ever. Turns out, that fits my chaotic, messy personality quite well.

Interesting theory, but in thinking about it, I find that it would take a lot more courage than I think I have...

 

[cookiecat]

Interesting theory, but in thinking about it, I find that it would take a lot more courage than I think I have...

I don't think it was courage but I'll pretend it was.

It was more being at my wit's end that I wasn't finding a relationship that felt safe and connected. I'd been single for 10 years and thought holy cats, what's wrong??

I certainly had great kinky sex because all those boxes were checked. I was trying to make my vision of what I thought a D/s life should look like happen. I was just holding on to that so tightly I forgot about actually liking the guy.

 

[BlackWolf65]

I don't think it was courage but I'll pretend it was.

It was more being at my wit's end that I wasn't finding a relationship that felt safe and connected. I'd been single for 10 years and thought holy cats, what's wrong??

I certainly had great kinky sex because all those boxes were checked. I was trying to make my vision of what I thought a D/s life should look like happen. I was just holding on to that so tightly I forgot about actually liking the guy.

I think it was courage. It takes a lot to go against everything you think is the right thing to do. I don't have that in me. I'd spend the rest of my life second guessing myself.

 

[Farawyn]

I had to let go of a ton of preconceived ideas of what/who I thought I wanted. Especially in the D/s realm.

It took a while, but once I realized the men I'd been dating never worked out, I did that George Costanza opposite thing. (Seinfeld anyone??) Whatever I thought was right, I did the opposite. What I had been doing just didn't lead to that emotional connection.

I ended up with my husband who is the coolest cucumber ever. Turns out, that fits my chaotic, messy personality quite well.

Let's not start on Seinfeld. I told you I am the Queen of Thread Derailement.
"Not that there's anything wrong with that..."

 

[Farawyn]

I think it was courage. It takes a lot to go against everything you think is the right thing to do. I don't have that in me. I'd spend the rest of my life second guessing myself.

I agree. Cookie cat, you changed your core. That's really hard to do. For me, anyway.

 

[cookiecat]

I think it was courage. It takes a lot to go against everything you think is the right thing to do. I don't have that in me. I'd spend the rest of my life second guessing myself.

In this case, it worked out, so no second guessing. But I hear what you're saying. The what if's could keep you up at night.

I agree. Cookie cat, you changed your core. That's really hard to do. For me, anyway.

Well you know, I looked at my track record, figured out it wasn't working, decided to try something new and yada yada, here I am on Lit, talking about my marriage.

 

[Farawyn]

In this case, it worked out, so no second guessing. But I hear what you're saying. The what if's could keep you up at night.



Well you know, I looked at my track record, figured out it wasn't working, decided to try something new and yada yada, here I am on Lit, talking about my marriage.

*whispers* We won't tell...

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

It's certainly an insightful piece, thank you for sharing.

" So, questions.

1. Have you experienced this, or can you think back to a time or event when you asked for sex but you really just wanted a connection?"

In a relationship? No. Not in a relationship? Of course.
I don't know many people that haven't substituted physical contact for emotional at some point. As for myself, it's a dangerous avenue to tread. At my lowest, I've sought comfort in the arms of somebody and selfishly put a deeper meaning on it, however, afterwards felt a vortex of tumultuous feelings that only served to deepen the initial loneliness I felt. Feelings of guilt for dragging someone else into my own mess and using them, disgust at myself for losing control and doing something I normally wouldn't, and sadness because I was still missing what I wanted. I'm not condemning anyone for doing this, but it's a self destructive thing for me.

" 2. In your current or past D/s relationship, have you managed to break this cycle and speak about your needs with your Dom/sub?"

Yes, when it comes to the D/s relationships I've had, communication and understanding are key for me. While I don't constantly feel the need to talk about things, as I'm more spontaneous and tend to spend time early on getting in sync with my partners wants and needs so I'm usually always ready, I also don't flippantly ignore subtle hints that they need something more/new when I notice they aren't satisfied. I'm not a mind reader, but being in close proximity with someone for any amount of time tells you a lot.

" 3. If you're not in a D/s relationship currently, do you find that you use sex to gain the attention of others in the hope that the connection will follow?"

I'm not currently in anything, and haven't been for a bit, but this never even sort of crosses my mind. I'm where I am by my own doing and am far too busy sorting through things and working on various projects to be able to provide anyone with anything other than an ear, shoulder, or whatever other help I can provide. I'm not so selfish as to expect anyone would wait for me, as I don't know how long I'll be down here. But maybe sometime in the future I'll dig myself out and go chasing after it again.

 

[AKentuckyLady]

It's certainly an insightful piece, thank you for sharing.

" So, questions.

1. Have you experienced this, or can you think back to a time or event when you asked for sex but you really just wanted a connection?"

In a relationship? No. Not in a relationship? Of course.
I don't know many people that haven't substituted physical contact for emotional at some point. As for myself, it's a dangerous avenue to tread. At my lowest, I've sought comfort in the arms of somebody and selfishly put a deeper meaning on it, however, afterwards felt a vortex of tumultuous feelings that only served to deepen the initial loneliness I felt. Feelings of guilt for dragging someone else into my own mess and using them, disgust at myself for losing control and doing something I normally wouldn't, and sadness because I was still missing what I wanted. I'm not condemning anyone for doing this, but it's a self destructive thing for me.

" 2. In your current or past D/s relationship, have you managed to break this cycle and speak about your needs with your Dom/sub?"

Yes, when it comes to the D/s relationships I've had, communication and understanding are key for me. While I don't constantly feel the need to talk about things, as I'm more spontaneous and tend to spend time early on getting in sync with my partners wants and needs so I'm usually always ready, I also don't flippantly ignore subtle hints that they need something more/new when I notice they aren't satisfied. I'm not a mind reader, but being in close proximity with someone for any amount of time tells you a lot.

" 3. If you're not in a D/s relationship currently, do you find that you use sex to gain the attention of others in the hope that the connection will follow?"

I'm not currently in anything, and haven't been for a bit, but this never even sort of crosses my mind. I'm where I am by my own doing and am far too busy sorting through things and working on various projects to be able to provide anyone with anything other than an ear, shoulder, or whatever other help I can provide. I'm not so selfish as to expect anyone would wait for me, as I don't know how long I'll be down here. But maybe sometime in the future I'll dig myself out and go chasing after it again.

Thanks for your insight - and welcome to Lit

 

[Farawyn]

It's certainly an insightful piece, thank you for sharing.

" So, questions.

1. Have you experienced this, or can you think back to a time or event when you asked for sex but you really just wanted a connection?"

In a relationship? No. Not in a relationship? Of course.
I don't know many people that haven't substituted physical contact for emotional at some point. As for myself, it's a dangerous avenue to tread. At my lowest, I've sought comfort in the arms of somebody and selfishly put a deeper meaning on it, however, afterwards felt a vortex of tumultuous feelings that only served to deepen the initial loneliness I felt. Feelings of guilt for dragging someone else into my own mess and using them, disgust at myself for losing control and doing something I normally wouldn't, and sadness because I was still missing what I wanted. I'm not condemning anyone for doing this, but it's a self destructive thing for me.

" 2. In your current or past D/s relationship, have you managed to break this cycle and speak about your needs with your Dom/sub?"

Yes, when it comes to the D/s relationships I've had, communication and understanding are key for me. While I don't constantly feel the need to talk about things, as I'm more spontaneous and tend to spend time early on getting in sync with my partners wants and needs so I'm usually always ready, I also don't flippantly ignore subtle hints that they need something more/new when I notice they aren't satisfied. I'm not a mind reader, but being in close proximity with someone for any amount of time tells you a lot.

" 3. If you're not in a D/s relationship currently, do you find that you use sex to gain the attention of others in the hope that the connection will follow?"

I'm not currently in anything, and haven't been for a bit, but this never even sort of crosses my mind. I'm where I am by my own doing and am far too busy sorting through things and working on various projects to be able to provide anyone with anything other than an ear, shoulder, or whatever other help I can provide. I'm not so selfish as to expect anyone would wait for me, as I don't know how long I'll be down here. But maybe sometime in the future I'll dig myself out and go chasing after it again.

Yep, your #1. Big time for me as well.