Sex and intimacy

[rwattsIII]

This is very interesting. Would you mind elaborating on when or why you sometimes feel detached and distant?

Since Snowman didn't answer this, I will. Some times I'm there 100% and other times I'm very distracted. I'm thinking about a past lover, maybe a something on Lit: conversation or story. Some times I'm thinking about work or bills I need to pay. I don't think it lasts for the most part. I certainly wouldn't say, "I'm not really with you here...." Ouch! I think if I let myself relax I come around. And I want to be there with her body, mind and soul. Zen master, I'm not........

 

[Denae]

oops!!!!

Sorry folks, I was quoting something and intended to send a p.m., not to post my p.m. here.

 

[bobsgirl]

oops!!!!

Sorry folks, I was quoting something and intended to send a p.m., not to post my p.m. here.

Well darn! I always miss the good stuff!

 

[Mr. Mann]

I'm speaking very generally here. There are always exceptions to every generality. Additionally, my context is not the random "FWB" or that super-exciting initial hook-up early in a relationship. Sex can certainly occur outside of deep intimacy. In fact, the very lack of intimacy can be what sometimes makes it more exciting. Most everyone can relate to that first kiss, etc. or some incredibly exciting yet purely physical realtionship that we've had in the past.

However, in the context of most serious m/f realtionships...

Women tend to require the basic foundation of deep intimate feelings in order to feel and express sexual desire with their partner.

Whereas men tend to require sex in order to experience and express deep intimate feelings with their partner.

Women usually want their heart melted and then they have sex...... men's hearts tend to only only melt after sex.

At leat generally speaking.... one of those big fundamental differences between most men and women.

 

[tbs230]

Definitely NOT an expert

Well, I think it depends on how you feel about what you're doing...for some, like myself, certain sexual acts are more intimate than others...so can I have PIV without feeling connected with that person, NO...can I have oral sex without that connection, yes...

It's different for everyone, people who don't see sex as something that is shared with someone special can turn off that emotional aspect...for others, the two are interconnected...

 

[tbs230]

But I have this theory that it's actually harder to have great sex with someone you are emotionally intimate with, because you risk so much more. I'm not speaking about those of us who have been blessed to meet and stay with their soul mates (to use a cliche), but rather those of us for whom that hasn't happened (yet). If you're lucky enough to be in a relationship you know in your bones is stable, that stability gives you a freedom to explore, and become more physically AND emotionally intimate at the same time. But if you're not in that situation, I think when it comes to the physical act of sex, it's often easier to stick your neck out with someone you don't really know. If for example you say, "You know what I like? I like doing it in a vat of peanut butter," you don't risk too much if that person says, "Wow. That's really sick, and I'm outta here." You don't really know the person, and if you're rejected, you haven't risked much, and you just move on. But if it's someone you know well, for a long time, and care about, and whose presence in your life you feel strongly about, you're putting a lot on the line, because if they say, "Wow, that's sick. I'm outta here," then you've really put something valuable on the line. Of course, if they say, "OK, it sounds weird, but I'm willing to try it for you honey," well, you're on your way to a better relationship in so many ways. But for many, getting to that point is hard, and it's easier to take the easy road.

I agree with that 100%...the intimacy is already there, so if that person doesn't stick around, it will hurt that much more...which might also explain why people feel awkward about talking about it...it brings all the insecurities we have about ourselves out into the open...

 

[Gypsy_Lis]

I agree with that 100%...the intimacy is already there, so if that person doesn't stick around, it will hurt that much more...which might also explain why people feel awkward about talking about it...it brings all the insecurities we have about ourselves out into the open...

So true!! That happened to me when I was in a short relationship. I was willling to try new things with him and I even made a mention about trying new things but he was kinda either prudish or aghasted. After risking myself to him with my heart on the sleeve, I got hurt and very insecured in the end. But it won't stop me from trying again with someone new down the line. I believe that it takes to tango, not one.

Gypsy_Lis

 

[rosebud5446]

i was having a discussion with my bf the other night about love making. i told him that when i'm making love, it's an emotional feeling on a whole other level than just sex or fucking. he said that when he makes love, it's not much of an emotional connection, because he's got to be thinking sexually enough to be hard, and thinking about love doesn't make a guy hard. he said what gives him those feelings of intimacy i have during lovemaking, he feels during romantic kisses, cuddling (not after sex, just laying around cuddling) or going on a trip alone, or just spending quality time together.