Sex and Relationships

[SweetErika]

Seems to me marriages and families were much better of back in the day.

The were fewer divorces decades ago, but that doesn't mean marriages and families were better off. Divorce is often the best thing for those who are miserable in their relationships and their families.

Children of broken families are of course less likely to have successful LTR's, so the cycle will continue to the detriment of our society.

What's a "broken family" to you? The result of an unhappy/dysfunctional relationship, a divorce, or both?

 

[Eilan]

The were fewer divorces decades ago, but that doesn't mean marriages and families were better off. Divorce is often the best thing for those who are miserable in their relationships and their families.

Ain't that the truth?

This is all anecdotal evidence, so take it for what it's worth, but something similar came up a few weeks ago at one of my other online haunts. People were commenting about how their grandparents' generation (WWII for most of us) seemed to "value" marriage more than subsequent generations.

I replied that I knew from talking to my maternal grandmother that her peers' marriages weren't necessarily strong or healthy ones, despite the fact that most of them lasted anywhere from three to five decades. She told me many stories of people (women, mostly) who endured physical and mental abuse, and even the sexual abuse of their children, because it was preferable to living with the stigma of divorce.

My dad has physically and mentally abused my mom since the early 70's. She left him several times early in their marriage, both before and after my brother and I came along, but she always returned because she didn't want to break up the family. She did finally divorce him (they "reconciled," unfortunately), but not until they'd been married for 18 years and my brother and I had lived in chaos for 14 and 17 years, respectively.

I'll probably catch a lot of shit for saying this, but staying in an unhealthy, destructive marriage or relationship "for the sake of the children" is child abuse, even if it doesn't leave physical scars.

 

[KarennaC]

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for almost 14 years. I stayed because I thought I didn't deserve any better, and "for the sake of the children."

Then a friend gave me a wake-up call. He pointed out that my daughters were growing up believing that the way they saw me treated by their father was what marriage was supposed to be like for a woman. So I left my marriage "for the sake of the children."

I'm a month away from moving in with a man who treats my daughters and me so well it makes me cry sometimes. I'm still working on the "I don't deserve it" thing. I have every confidence that my choice to leave my ex's abuse and, after a couple years, to find a man who treats me well will have a positive impact on my daughters' abilities to find healthy LTRs when they grow up. My older daughter, at least. My younger has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism, so a healthy LTR for her will take some work and a very special, patient partner. If she even decides that's what she wants. But I don't think being from a "broken home" will make them any more or less likely to be able to have a healthy marriage, LTR, or whatever they choose to have. Children learn what they live, and my children have lived through a lot of shit (I still kick myself sometimes for not getting out sooner), but have also lived through seeing their mother grow strong enough to leave a negative situation and find a positive, healthy one.

 

[markjd]

both!

 

[bailadora]

Don't take my advice, you could be a lucky man married to the likes of baliadora!

Be flippant all you want. He and I have managed to successfully navigate the curve balls life has tossed at us so far and while it hasn't been all sunshine and roses, we remain in love and deeply committed to each other. We're lucky to have each other.

The libido is lacking because some women hang on to relationships for status and money when they really don't give a fuck about the man.

I swear, the more you write, the more it illustrates how seemingly ignorant you are regarding the dynamics of successful, loving, long term relationships. Granted, there are users of both genders who are in it for the money but that's a very small percentage of the population. As I stated earlier, most often the cause of low/no libido is rooted in other areas including but not limited to :

* medical problems such as Pert Perth's example, hormonal imbalances such as hypothyroidism, or side affects from meds such as hormonal birth control,

* psychological problems such as poor body issues, lack of self esteem, abuse, or stress and/or depression (gee, where have we seen that mentioned before) or

* relationship issues such as lack of/poor communication or unresolved conflicts with your partner.

Think I'm pulling all of this out of my ass? Click here to read the full article from the Mayo Clinic website. (And that's mostly for twerp and other interested readers as I know PM thinks I'm just spouting female bullshit).

No, I cannot cut the OP slack, and all the bullshit female advice here needs a counterpoint.

I guess you didn't notice Ed's point of view, so in addition to his posts, here's another post from a male Litster with a loving, committed, successful long-term marriage. Hmm - notice how his advice jives pretty closely with what the rest of the females on this thread have said? Coincidence? I think not.

Yeah my right hand and tube8 are vastly superior to lame dirty talk or a hand job from an uncaring partner.

Ya know, given your rather misogynistic views on relationships and women, it seems like this is the best place for you.

 

[bailadora]

The were fewer divorces decades ago, but that doesn't mean marriages and families were better off. Divorce is often the best thing for those who are miserable in their relationships and their families.

True. There are some situations that just can't be salvaged and the best course of action for all involved is to go separate ways. OTOH - I can't help but feel like we, as a society have become so centered around instant gratification. We want it our way and we want it now and with that kind of self serving attitude, people are less willing to do the hard work required to maintain lasting, committed and loving unions. Like so much else in our society, relationships seem to become disposable the instant all the shine and newness wears off and issues begin to emerge. It's too much of a hassle, no longer as fun and heaven forbid people should have to exert some effort to get to the root causes of problems, let alone actually solving them. The prevailing "wisdom" seems to be if you are unhappy with your relationship, it's time to bail and seek out someone new. A very sad commentary on the state of our society, IMO.

 

[silverwhisper]

now now, bailadora: poetmusings hasn't been back. perhaps he's too busy trying to get a date with someone other than rosie palm.

ed

 

[bailadora]

Here's a counterpoint for you.

I think I've said this before, Eilan - but that's a great thread and one that should be in the Blank Manual, (in my humble opinion).

 

[bailadora]

now now, bailadora: poetmusings hasn't been back. perhaps he's too busy trying to get a date with someone other than rosie palm.

ed

- Happy Memorial Weekend to you and the family, Ed. Thanks for the laugh!

 

[silverwhisper]

and to you, bailadora. :>

ed

 

[NippleMuncher]

now now, bailadora: poetmusings hasn't been back. perhaps he's too busy trying to get a date with someone other than rosie palm.

ed

If Rosie isn't available, one of her step sisters, Lefticia and Palmela, usually are.

 

[CWatson]

Oh, good, so I wasn't the only one cheesed off by Mr. Musing's "helpful" "advice"?

 

[silverwhisper]

on lit, can anyone ever really said to be alone? :>

ed