Sexual needs and how to get them.

[KatieDoes]

Hey now, don't go lumping everyone in...

Silence is complicity

If you think he’s wrong, call him out. Don’t depend on women to do that, too.

 

[Lady2020]

It takes guts to leave a marriage when you know nothing is going to get better. When your spouse treats you with contempt or refuses to have sex or any kind of intimacy. When I decided to leave my husband, family members said it would be better if my husband and I just had separate bedrooms instead of divorcing. Financially, that may have been a consideration, but I knew I didn't have what it took to compartmentalize my life like that, basically severing my emotions to reality and I knew my husband didn't think much of me. Not to mention there wasn't the extra bedroom. My ex died a few years back. I have a lot of regrets. I don't regret making the decision to leave him. He got our property. He tried to get full custody of our kids. Our kids still have a lot of resentment towards him. If anyone is that miserable in a marriage, learn to live with it or get out, before you start wishing your spouse is dead.

 

[Bbl87]

Silence is complicity

If you think he’s wrong, call him out. Don’t depend on women to do that, too.

Sorry I don't read every post in every thread?

 

[Diosax]

Sorry I don't read every post in every thread?

So you read my post calling you all out but not the quote in my post. Or you did but still decided not to say anything

Is that how you gaslight your wife? No wonder why she doesn't put out

 

[Bbl87]

So you read my post calling you all out but not the quote in my post. Or you did but still decided not to say anything

Is that how you gaslight your wife? No wonder why she doesn't put out

I reacted to your post, your quote was the first time I'd actually read the one in question. Thought you put it better than I could. Thanks for making light of my marital struggles though, hope it made you feel real good.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

...I have made the comment on Lit before about trimming the hedges. My husband hates trimming the hedges. Thankfully it is a once a year thing. But it is hours of back breaking work and the one chore that he just fucking hates doing. In fact, if it were up to him he would just let them grow and not give a shit how it looks. But I like the garden trimmed nicely so he doesn't - without complaint - for me. Now how can I justify expecting that of him but can't bring myself to spend a few minutes sucking his dick when he is done because I am not in the mood? That seems crazy to me.

If I had a wife like you, I would plant fast-growing hedges everywhere!

 

[KatieDoes]

Sorry I don't read every post in every thread?

Maybe don’t reply to posts that you didn’t read then? You were being defensive about something and didn’t know what it was?

 

[policywank]

Quite a bit of context missing here. Most of the time the missus and I rub along OK. However, she has a number of medical issues, and they have altered her personality. She has commented with some regularity that suicide or euthanasia would be preferable to what she has to go through week-by-week, day-by-day. This week has been pretty typical. Her big achievement of the week so far was managing to do a load of washing today. She has not dressed or gone out of the house since Friday. We have been dealing with this for four years, we are both exhausted, and we both get a little twisted and bitter sometimes. Occasionally, the self-censorship slips.

That is certainly a sad set of circumstances. One with which I can empathize. But that doesn't make the previous comment any less fucked up.

 

[manofewords]

That is certainly a sad set of circumstances. One with which I can empathize. But that doesn't make the previous comment any less fucked up.

Sounds like he's pretty depressed too. Instead of berating him, maybe suggest some pretty obviously needed counselling. Reading through all his posts, it sounds like there are no winners in this situation. Pretty disturbing comment, but probably more of a cry for help than anything else. The sarcasm from some commenters is massively unhelpful though. None of us are saints (look where we are!) and we haven't walked in this couple's shoes, so we don't get to judge, do we?

 

[Ingenue844]

Sounds like he's pretty depressed too. Instead of berating him, maybe suggest some pretty obviously needed counselling. Reading through all his posts, it sounds like there are no winners in this situation. Pretty disturbing comment, but probably more of a cry for help than anything else. The sarcasm from some commenters is massively unhelpful though. None of us are saints (look where we are!) and we haven't walked in this couple's shoes, so we don't get to judge, do we?

Fuck that. If he opens the door with wishing someone would die, I say we drag his ass all up and down this thread.

Maybe it’s a PSA letting some people know how utterly UNFUCKABLE they are.

 

[manofewords]

Fuck that. If he opens the door with wishing someone would die, I say we drag his ass all up and down this thread.

Maybe it’s a PSA letting some people know how utterly UNFUCKABLE they are.

I guess I always try to look for the good in people, helps me look in the mirror every morning.

 

[Ingenue844]

I guess I always try to look for the good in people, helps me look in the mirror every morning.

Sounds like you either agree with his disgusting sentiment or are too much of a coward to do what’s right.

Wishing death on someone should never be normalized. sEe ThE gOoD iN sOmEoNe
Fuck off!

 

[manofewords]

I certainly don't agree with wishing death on someone, but it seems to me that being nasty to someone who's in such a dark place is cowardly. The right thing would be to offer help. You seem very angry, I'm genuinely sorry about that.

 

[Ingenue844]

I certainly don't agree with wishing death on someone, but it seems to me that being nasty to someone who's in such a dark place is cowardly. The right thing would be to offer help. You seem very angry, I'm genuinely sorry about that.

Mansplaining + “You’re getting emotional.”
What’s cowardly is you won’t correct his behavior but will ask others to shut down their criticism.

You’re a shit human.
I’m genuinely sorry about that.

 

[Bbl87]

I certainly don't agree with wishing death on someone, but it seems to me that being nasty to someone who's in such a dark place is cowardly. The right thing would be to offer help. You seem very angry, I'm genuinely sorry about that.

Dude, don't try to defend it. As much as I might disagree with some of the exchanges I've had, I'm 100% ok with being nasty with someone who wishes for the death of their spouse. No excuse for that, full stop.

 

[Ingenue844]

Dude, don't try to defend it. As much as I might disagree with some of the exchanges I've had, I'm 100% ok with being nasty with someone who wishes for the death of their spouse. No excuse for that, full stop.

Some exchanges can be from a misunderstanding. That happens.

And I really appreciate when men confront misbehaving men.

 

[Diosax]

Some exchanges can be from a misunderstanding. That happens.

And I really appreciate when men confront misbehaving men.

He didn't confront the one that said it though.

Not that I'm keeping track of who said what or anything

 

[Ingenue844]

He didn't confront the one that said it though.

Not that I'm keeping track of who said what or anything

Neither did I

Please accept this as my post stating that the dude who Wishes his Wife was Dead is a narcissistic headcase.

And the Mansplaining/Gaslighting/You Can Catch More Flies With Honey/Not Alls/Women Are Emotional BS does nothing to convince me otherwise.

 

[Diosax]

I'm gonna leave this tiktok here and trigger a few of you just bc

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRaheN5o/

 

[policywank]

Sounds like he's pretty depressed too. Instead of berating him, maybe suggest some pretty obviously needed counselling. Reading through all his posts, it sounds like there are no winners in this situation. Pretty disturbing comment, but probably more of a cry for help than anything else. The sarcasm from some commenters is massively unhelpful though. None of us are saints (look where we are!) and we haven't walked in this couple's shoes, so we don't get to judge, do we?

Not letting him off the hook is not the same as berating him or judging him. Looking for the good in people is no excuse for ignoring egregious comments.

 

[HornyOlderStroker]

Having one of those days. My sexual needs are high and not getting fulfilled. In a sexless marriage and having a hard time with it today. Dealing with it for years but bad day today. So please a little help.
I'm an attractive guy, keep myself in shape, and can tell more if want to know PM me. So wife has been in menopause for years, depression meds for 20+ years. So she was never a fireball in the bedroom. I myself look at sexual needs as a pleasure, enjoyment, release and way to enjoy each other's bodies, close time together. I love that there are ladies on Lit that are big, small, tall, short doesnt matter and are in touch with their bodies , relaxed about sex and enjoy themselves. Every time i try to bring up the subject it gets bad...
So , what do i do with my sexual energy? I come on Lit, but i'm getting burned out. Want more , need more. I try just to rub wife's back etc and no sexual moves. But she doesnt even want to return that much. Doesnt like to kiss or hug much. I could go more into detail later. So is there anything i can do to, make her time better? my time better? Dont show her my sexual desires and maybe she'll want some then? So this is a start, little help and some ideas. Thanks Have a great weekend !

Man, do I ever hear you. In a similar situation myself, but the thing is, I just love my wife to pieces--she's the best thing that ever happened to me. So what do I do? I won't lie to her or you or anyone--I enjoy porn and masturbate a lot. and that helps for sure.

In the end, I have to ask myself, do I want to fuck or do I want a life partner who means everything to me? She knows I masturbate and enjoy porn, and that I have an exceedingly rich fantasy life, and she also knows that I'll never cheat on her. What we've invested in our relationship and our life together, for me, more than compensates for a sex life that doesn't meet my expectations or desires.

I won't judge anyone else, and everyone has to make their own decision. But for me, with a good internet connection and a couple of tissues, I can cum any time I want. I could never find someone better than my wife.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

From experience, I can say having the conversation in the bedroom will make her defensive and not open to discussion
If you can talk in the morning, over the weekend, in a neutral area, over coffee or tea, thus might

Is your wife still seeing a gynecologist for annual exams and mammograms? When I went on hormone replacements, I found my sexuality

I have the hormone levels of a 35 year old, with the wisdom of a 57 year old.

 

[Elite_Goblin]

We tried the communication thing a few times over the years. It typically ends up in her being defensive and causing a huge rip in our relationship. Sometimes things get better, but only for a month or 2. It is too scary to bring up "the topic" too often.

We started going to Couple's Training (therapy). What is good about this, is that they can bring up a question or topic that I would like to ask or say. Instead of my wife getting angry and being instantly defensive, she pauses a moment and thinks about the answer before speaking. She talks about the answer with them and usually ends up crying. They say this is part of the healing process.

An example was something so simple, yet it hurt me badly. We were sitting on a park bench enjoying the weather. I had my arm around her shoulders and was lightly caressing her shoulder. Nothing else. She wiggled around and told me to stop (removed my hand) and interrogated why I was doing this and how I should not be showing affection in public. (Even though we were nearly alone) I waited a few days and asked her about it and she repeated her stance about it.

When the Trainer asks my wife about it, she said that it actually was not that big of a deal to her and does not know why she acted like that. They talked abut it some more and gave my wife things to think about. In the end, my wife and I are to go to that exact same bench and recreate the scene. She is to note how it/she feels when I put my arm over her shoulder again. Does she find any enjoyment or comfort in the affection? Does it cause discomfort at all in any part of the body? etc...etc.

Long story short, my advice would be to go to a Therapist, or Trainer. Money is a little tight, but it is worth it, especially if you love your spouse and want things to improve so that both are happy. I wish we would have started much sooner.

Our sex life has not improved (yet), but there is a feeling of 'openness' and a willing to 'try again'. We have endured this long, so I will be patient and give the Trainers (and time) a fair chance.

 

[canogagrizz]

Yeah same boat here. I spent years of WASTING MY TIME TRYING to get my wife in the mood after she basically shut me down. So I stopped asking anymore. I had to understand that her health problems (serious life threatening illness) makes it impossible for her to have ANY desires sexually or the mental & physical health to perform sexually anymore. So, I just take care of myself & WISHED for other ways of release or contact with others but that ain't gonna happen either at my old age.
I think some people on here want to offer up some decent advice, but I had to decide was having/getting sex worth getting a divorce and 100% losing my daughter, my pets, and my childhood home? The answer was no. In my state EVERYTHING is divided 50-50 between spouses in a divorce, and I know for a fact she would take me for everything I have left. All the stress involved with divorce, selling our house, deciding where or pets should go & who with, etc. Yeah right. Was just better for the both of us to LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE IN THE SAME HOUSE Sadly. We treat each other with respect & try to be kind to each other at least. She is the most selfish person I have even known. And that has NOTHING to do with the sexless marriage. I don't hate, I don't bother getting angry anymore, I just except things for what they are. I love my wife but we haven't been "in love" for years. LOSING EVERYTHING just to go our separate ways would not be worth it. The massive stress involved, the already declining heath. Nope. SEX is not worth losing EVERYTHING. It shall remain sexless and I gave up caring. We HAD a GREAT sex life for about the first 20yrs. It is hard looking back & thinking about it though. What was & never will be again. It sucks thinking about the great sex we had and now it's gone. For a man it is not easy. Her hormones may be gone, my sexual urges are still there. If I had another outlet with a friend perhaps maybe I'd go that route. But that ain't happening and IDC anymore. Just got to stick to satisfying myself when those urges become overwhelming. So be it.
Anyways, SEX imo is NOT worth losing a home over & most of everything you worked for. Unless your sexual urges & desires outweighs everything. Yeah, some partners are forced to renege on their marital "duties" or marriage contract. All that stuff is a bunch of bullshit anyways. In many cases it is just not practical. And IDGAF about what any psychologists or so-called fake "experts" in marriage have to say. Getting counseling is a bunch of bullshit imho in many situations that it wouldn't do ANY GOOD for the female that is not willing, doesn't want to or won't fulfill any bullshit contract nonsense. Either you understand or you don't. If sex is that important than go through all the bullshit & then after splitting everything 50-50, go back to dating again. LAME. Unless a person is that absolutely miserable that can't find any contentness left because getting/having sex is that important to them. Yeah it sucks going the rest of life possibly with no more sex. This is why they say "What is the difference between having a job for 15yrs & being married for 15yrs? After 15yrs the job still sucks at least." lol

 

[canogagrizz]

In a discussion that got heated with my wife she said "just go get it taken care of" Well love my wife i want her ..But if it doesnt happen ive done that and had my relief but not the same. Things come natural to me. Caring, affection and just thinking of someone else. Dont think sometimes its in my wife's makeup. But i have to ask her to rub my back or touch me. Not just for sex but to be touched. So many great replies, glad to see this popped up and we have discussion going. Give me faith to try and open a discussion with my wife again and try to think of ways to get closer. Thanks

Well at least you got the ok to "just go get it taken care of". I know you want to have sex with her, but the truth sadly is she doesn't want sex with you or anybody. So at least you won't be hurt because she won't cheat. You on the other hand was given the approval. IF sex is that important to you then go find some if you can and don't feel guilty about it if you do. I wouldn't even discuss it with her. I mean what would be the point of discussing that anyways? Even though she gave you the ok to go "just go get it taken care of", she might not want to know or care about it obviously, so just telling her ANY details would be a waste of time to even inform her if you ever decided to. It would only hurt her maybe & just cause more stress, friction & trouble for you both discussing ANY of YOUR future sex life you might have without her. But it sounds to me like you don't probably want to make a effort to go seeking males or females anyways for sex. That is also a hassle to TRY for. Whatever you do, it's not worth stressing yourself or her over it anymore. If you go out & seek sexual relations, just don't talk about it with her is my advice. I understand your situation. I've been in it for the last 20yrs myself. Either go seek some sex or don't & just learn to find some kind of way to be content with what you do have in life. And if you do go seek sex, don't feel guilty about it. Know what you want & go with that. And if you end up "in love" in another relationship with someone else, then I guess so be it whatever works for you. I would find all that "dating" and romantic relationship a pain in the arse and be up front & honest that a " love relationship" IS or IS NOT what you are looking for, if you would find somebody willing to have sex with you. At my age all that "love relationship" crap is not worth going over again. "Falling in love", dating, etc. Ugh! No thanks.
Anyways, best luck to you I hope you can relax, not continue to waste your time getting angry over it, and find a way to move on about it. Sex is sex, Either you settle for taking care of it yourself, or maybe get lucky and find someone else willing for sex. Or a hooker, whatever suits you. If that isn't what your looking for then why bother? Just be content you can still get it up. And just give up wasting your time & energy with any "heated discussions". Waste of time on your part & will just keep causing you WASTE OF TIME go nowhere heated discussions & cause you both waste of time stress & anger.