should cheating be kept secret?

[NightOfPassion2]

I'm sorry. I've been there, so I understand.
I have found myself wondering how you answer people asking why you divorced, or what happened in the marriage? How do you answer when it was a lacking of being sexually fulfilled that forced the end of the marriage?

Thats difficult...tact determines that. When a newlywed couple from my work asked how we have been married so long my DW answered...just never get Divorced. *sigh* We are working on it.. But its still the 'elephant in the room' (ie dont talk, hint, suggest, think 'bout s e x.... we havent talked about it in about 3 years...still do 'it')

We were told before marriage that the 3 reasons for 'D' are money (not the big problem for us), inlaws(far away or passed away) and sex.

Its funny...the one thing that differs in releationship between a spouse and spouse vs spouse and friend/coworker/other family.... is ....

 

[yossi]

If I cheat, I'm done with the relationship anyways... So I'm probably telling her just because I want her to leave and ran out of options...

I don't get this reasoning. If you're done with the relationship why not just end it and move on? Why burden the other person with all of the emotional bullshit that comes from having been cheated on?

 

[vibes]

I'm sorry but it's like looking at the finger of someone pointing at the moon

I've been cheated on by my wife of 15 years and caught her: it's been an endless pain (only who has tried it can understand its depths) ever since; had I not caught her I would have kept on living a farce ... how can either option be better than the other to me? how can this be relevant as far as pain and sorrow are concerned?

 

[smallgirl]

Thats difficult...tact determines that. When a newlywed couple from my work asked how we have been married so long my DW answered...just never get Divorced. *sigh* We are working on it.. But its still the 'elephant in the room' (ie dont talk, hint, suggest, think 'bout s e x.... we havent talked about it in about 3 years...still do 'it')

We were told before marriage that the 3 reasons for 'D' are money (not the big problem for us), inlaws(far away or passed away) and sex.

Its funny...the one thing that differs in releationship between a spouse and spouse vs spouse and friend/coworker/other family.... is ....

I understand. Our big issue was never sex until the last few years. Inlaws have been our issue the whole marriage. His family is just majorly fucked up and I can't stand them.

Sex has become a huge issue. Couple of years ago things got really good with us, and I was really happy. This was when he admitted he had cheated a couple of years earlier...so we just cleared the air and started all over.

It was really good for about a year....then his mother got sick with cancer and his parents took over our lives, fights with his siblings, and him being gone all the time has taken a huge toll on our marriage.

I cheated...I freely admit that. He doesn't know, but I found what it is I'm not getting sexually, and now that I'm being faithful, and really trying to make it work, its hard not getting what I need sexually and I'm really unhappy in that part of my life.

 

[norfolklad]

That's very well said. I agree 100%. What do you do if your relationship gives you everything you need except for one thing? Do you divorce because sex is lacking but everything else is good? Or do you cheat? Or do you just live unhappy sexually and go without what you need?

Its the million dollar question with no right answer.

indeed smallgirl has just posed the million dollar question. in my own life i cheated on my husband with another woman. he gave me everything i needed(physically) except for one thing.... the touch of another woman. he was a great lover, very attentive to my needs. after he caught me in....shall we say a compromising position, he changed. and rightfully so. he became the hateful and mean spirited person i didnt even know existed.i take full responsibilty for the affair, i just wonder what life would be like today if i had found the courage to tell him how i felt and what i needed in my life.

Both stories are sad, yours in particular, hottalyssa, because it is only the result of jealousy and/or insecurity on the part of your husband. To me, the problem would not be that a partner has sex with someone else, it's that (a) they didn't talk to me about their missing needs and (b) the fact that they lied or hid it. Which seems to imply that I favour telling partner in advance but in fact I think it's more a case of talking about how you feel and working out a solution together.

Would that have changed anything in your case, Alyssa? Probably not. Your ex-husband seems to be one of those men who regard their partner's sleeping with another woman as an affront to their manhood - here's me with this amazing cock and you prefer someone without one. Some men are like that. Others would be over the moon at the idea and your problem would be keeping them from wanting to convert it into a threesome. Having been in that situation, I could see no reason why my wife should not make love to a woman when the situation arose; it was her upbringing that stopped her from doing so.

Smallgirl, what do you do? You're clearly not happy and life is far too short to spend it being miserable and unfulfilled. You say that other than this your marriage is good but my fear would be that your unhappiness will one day put so much pressure on your marriage that it will start to crack. It does seem to me that someone who is fulfilled, even if that fulfilment comes from elsewhere, is going to be a much happier and contented marriage partner. I hope you find the courage and strength to deal with it and I'm sure you'll find lots of support on here to help you.

My own experience is mixed. Cutting a very long story short may make my part in this sound very unpleasant but my (now ex-)wife and I had agreed that if ever there was anyone else in our lives, we would tell the other. Our marriage was going through a very bad spell because of her alcoholism. When I met someone, I told my wife as we'd agreed. She accepted it at first but later all hell was let loose, to the point at which, when something similar happened two or three years later, I didn't tell and I lied my way through a six-year affair. In my case the marriage ended not so much because of my affair but because there was nothing left of it.

 

[smallgirl]

Both stories are sad, yours in particular, hottalyssa, because it is only the result of jealousy and/or insecurity on the part of your husband. To me, the problem would not be that a partner has sex with someone else, it's that (a) they didn't talk to me about their missing needs and (b) the fact that they lied or hid it. Which seems to imply that I favour telling partner in advance but in fact I think it's more a case of talking about how you feel and working out a solution together.

Would that have changed anything in your case, Alyssa? Probably not. Your ex-husband seems to be one of those men who regard their partner's sleeping with another woman as an affront to their manhood - here's me with this amazing cock and you prefer someone without one. Some men are like that. Others would be over the moon at the idea and your problem would be keeping them from wanting to convert it into a threesome. Having been in that situation, I could see no reason why my wife should not make love to a woman when the situation arose; it was her upbringing that stopped her from doing so.

Smallgirl, what do you do? You're clearly not happy and life is far too short to spend it being miserable and unfulfilled. You say that other than this your marriage is good but my fear would be that your unhappiness will one day put so much pressure on your marriage that it will start to crack. It does seem to me that someone who is fulfilled, even if that fulfilment comes from elsewhere, is going to be a much happier and contented marriage partner. I hope you find the courage and strength to deal with it and I'm sure you'll find lots of support on here to help you.

My own experience is mixed. Cutting a very long story short may make my part in this sound very unpleasant but my (now ex-)wife and I had agreed that if ever there was anyone else in our lives, we would tell the other. Our marriage was going through a very bad spell because of her alcoholism. When I met someone, I told my wife as we'd agreed. She accepted it at first but later all hell was let loose, to the point at which, when something similar happened two or three years later, I didn't tell and I lied my way through a six-year affair. In my case the marriage ended not so much because of my affair but because there was nothing left of it.

I honestly think if I give up, and leave, my guilt over leaving him and hurting him would suffocate me. Here's a MSN who let me quit work to go to school, and I leave because I'm not happy with our ex life? It EVEN sounds bad, much less doing it.
But you are right...my unhappiness in that part of our marriage falls over into every other part of it too. I can only keep a happy face for so long.
But what do I do? I'm a big believer in karma, and I'm terrified if leave just because of sex, karma will not be good to me.

 

[policywank]

I honestly think if I give up, and leave, my guilt over leaving him and hurting him would suffocate me. Here's a MSN who let me quit work to go to school, and I leave because I'm not happy with our ex life? It EVEN sounds bad, much less doing it.
But you are right...my unhappiness in that part of our marriage falls over into every other part of it too. I can only keep a happy face for so long.
But what do I do? I'm a big believer in karma, and I'm terrified if leave just because of sex, karma will not be good to me.

And how would karma feel about you cheating on him and lying about it?

I have zero right to be self-righteous. I do not come from a place of having made all the right decisions. And I truly understand the dynamics of not being satisfied in one or more aspects of your marriage.

However, a marriage is an explicit contract, the terms of which are set by the partners (not society, the church or the magistrate). Both parties are entitled to re-open that contract or exit that contract but they aren't entitled to ignore the parts that don't suit them and conceal that behaviour from their partner.

Of course relationships are much more complicated and there can be some very persuasive extenuating circumstances. Sometimes keeping things quite and carrying on might be the best option. However, that is a tough standard to meet and "I'm not sexually satisfied" is not unto itself a good excuse.

We are all entitled to seek our own fulfillment, but not at someone else's expense. I would never accept the notion that a man is entitled to fulfill his own needs by forcing himself on me sexually. How is it any less offensive for me to abscond with years of my husband's life. That is exactly what I would be doing if I keep him in a marriage he wouldn't want to be in if he knew the truth.

 

[smallgirl]

And how would karma feel about you cheating on him and lying about it?

I have zero right to be self-righteous. I do not come from a place of having made all the right decisions. And I truly understand the dynamics of not being satisfied in one or more aspects of your marriage.

However, a marriage is an explicit contract, the terms of which are set by the partners (not society, the church or the magistrate). Both parties are entitled to re-open that contract or exit that contract but they aren't entitled to ignore the parts that don't suit them and conceal that behaviour from their partner.

Of course relationships are much more complicated and there can be some very persuasive extenuating circumstances. Sometimes keeping things quite and carrying on might be the best option. However, that is a tough standard to meet and "I'm not sexually satisfied" is not unto itself a good excuse.

We are all entitled to seek our own fulfillment, but not at someone else's expense. I would never accept the notion that a man is entitled to fulfill his own needs by forcing himself on me sexually. How is it any less offensive for me to abscond with years of my husband's life. That is exactly what I would be doing if I keep him in a marriage he wouldn't want to be in if he knew the truth.

Well he and I both have cheated, so I kinda feel that he and I are even on that. So I don't see it quite that way.
I don't want my marriage to fail..that's the kicker in all of it. I want it to work, badly. I want what my marriage had became when we fixed it. We had a deal if either of us felt like we were going to cheat again...go to the other one and be honest. tell the other one we weren't getting what we needed/wanted..smack them up side the head to get their attention if we had to.

so I did...repeatedly. I all but got down on my knees and begged for him to listen to me. What did he do? he blowed me off...repeatedly. Pretty much told me he didn't have time for that shit and do whatever I felt I had to do. so I did.

Is that right? no, but I did what he told me to do is how I see it. I have very different views on cheating then most people I know.

but I don't want my marriage to fail. I really don't want to be a statistic.

 

[Taboolvr]

I have seen articles lately that suggest that cheating without the other person finding out might actually make for a stronger relationship! Also I have read that telling after you've cheated is selfish because it only serves to help the cheater clear his/her conscience and will undoubtedly hurt the other person.

Any thoughts or experiences about keeping infidelity under wraps?

I had an affair a couple of years ago and eventually stopped it and confessed to my wife. We tried for over a year to work through it, but finally she couldn't trust me anymore so ended it. We were divorced in January. She told me several times after I confessed that if I had stopped it, she wished I would have just kept it to myself and not told her. She trusted me that I had ended it, but she was always scared that I would start something again. If I had never told her that I did it in the first place, she said that we would probably still be together and still be very happy.

 

[policywank]

Well he and I both have cheated, so I kinda feel that he and I are even on that. So I don't see it quite that way.
I don't want my marriage to fail..that's the kicker in all of it. I want it to work, badly. I want what my marriage had became when we fixed it. We had a deal if either of us felt like we were going to cheat again...go to the other one and be honest. tell the other one we weren't getting what we needed/wanted..smack them up side the head to get their attention if we had to.

so I did...repeatedly. I all but got down on my knees and begged for him to listen to me. What did he do? he blowed me off...repeatedly. Pretty much told me he didn't have time for that shit and do whatever I felt I had to do. so I did.

Is that right? no, but I did what he told me to do is how I see it. I have very different views on cheating then most people I know.

but I don't want my marriage to fail. I really don't want to be a statistic.

Well sounds like you two did discuss it and on some level he has said go ahead and do what you need to - so there you are.

Although I am confused by what it is you seem to be holding onto. Sounds like the marriage isn't what you want it to be anymore. So that which you don't want to fail is not what you have anyway. Sure not easy - I wish you well.

 

[smallgirl]

Well sounds like you two did discuss it and on some level he has said go ahead and do what you need to - so there you are.

Although I am confused by what it is you seem to be holding onto. Sounds like the marriage isn't what you want it to be anymore. So that which you don't want to fail is not what you have anyway. Sure not easy - I wish you well.

What I want is what we had before his sick parents took over our lives. Our marriage was probably the best it ever had been. we communicated, he supported me emotionally, was there for me, and I was him. His mother getting sick, and all the bullshit that followed with his family hanged him somehow. I still haven't quite figured out what happened.

Now, finally he has his life back from caring for parents. We met for lunch again today, and he said it still hadn't hit him that he is home every night now. I have to say, since he has started being home every night it has been much better. Like today at lunch, standing at the counter waiting to order. He reached over and put his arm around my waist and pulled me over and up against him and held me there. That's something I like and need he never does, but I am noticing he is paying more attention. That's progress.

 

[norfolklad]

I am a terrible liar, so when I cheated I admitted it. It would have torn me up inside if I hadn't and it would have soon come out anyway in the worst possible way.

The issue isn't the single "lie" so much as the fact that the person is willing to lie. Even if one is protecting their partner from hurt it is a stretch for me to believe the lie is truly altruistic. So what else have you lied about on the trumped up premise of protecting me?

Of course not everyone sees it that way. Some people would rather not know and I respect that perspective. However, I would say then that the overriding perspective that must be taken into account is that of the person lied to not the one doing the lying.

I personally make it explicit that I would rather take the pain. I do not want to live a lie and only I am entitled to make the important decisions in my life. With that premise established anyone who does not respect that perspective is robbing me of the right to live my life the way I want.

I see what you are saying here. The problem with lying is that it becomes very difficult for the lied-to person to know where truth ends and lies start. I would much rather that someone said nothing to me than to lie. The worst case I came across was with a gf who lied about a relationship with someone else and then, when that lie was exposed, lied again to try to cover it up. The situation just got worse and worse until I could hardly believe anything she said. That was very destructive.

How you choose to live your life is, of course, your right but, equally, you cannot say to others that they should do the same as you, which I think is what you are trying to do in the following quote, with talk of explicit marriage contracts and statements that "we are entitled to seek our own fulfillment, but not at someone else's expense".

And how would karma feel about you cheating on him and lying about it?

I have zero right to be self-righteous. I do not come from a place of having made all the right decisions. And I truly understand the dynamics of not being satisfied in one or more aspects of your marriage.

However, a marriage is an explicit contract, the terms of which are set by the partners (not society, the church or the magistrate). Both parties are entitled to re-open that contract or exit that contract but they aren't entitled to ignore the parts that don't suit them and conceal that behaviour from their partner.

Of course relationships are much more complicated and there can be some very persuasive extenuating circumstances. Sometimes keeping things quite and carrying on might be the best option. However, that is a tough standard to meet and "I'm not sexually satisfied" is not unto itself a good excuse.

We are all entitled to seek our own fulfillment, but not at someone else's expense. I would never accept the notion that a man is entitled to fulfill his own needs by forcing himself on me sexually. How is it any less offensive for me to abscond with years of my husband's life. That is exactly what I would be doing if I keep him in a marriage he wouldn't want to be in if he knew the truth.

Well sounds like you two did discuss it and on some level he has said go ahead and do what you need to - so there you are.

Although I am confused by what it is you seem to be holding onto. Sounds like the marriage isn't what you want it to be anymore. So that which you don't want to fail is not what you have anyway. Sure not easy - I wish you well.

You make marriage sound like any other legal contract. If only it were so simple. It would be fine if we all drew up pre-nuptial agreements specifying how many times sex would take place each week, how many blow jobs would be given, how many times he would go down on her, whether anal sex was to be included, etc, etc. But we don't. Nor do we allow for changing sexuality (on both sides - actually men tend to lose libido as they get older whereas women often find it increasing).

A girlfriend of mine had not had sex from her husband for 15 years when I met her but the rest of her marriage could be described as a good working partnership with a lovely home, shared interests and joint friends. She did not want to give up all that (and he would have lost it all too if they'd divorced) but she did want to be fucked. Are you saying that her choice should have between fucking and splitting up with her husband?

Marriages can have a lot going for them outside of an unsatisfactory sex life which is worth keeping going. That is why I think that open relationships have so much going for them.

 

[smallgirl]

I see what you are saying here. The problem with lying is that it becomes very difficult for the lied-to person to know where truth ends and lies start. I would much rather that someone said nothing to me than to lie. The worst case I came across was with a gf who lied about a relationship with someone else and then, when that lie was exposed, lied again to try to cover it up. The situation just got worse and worse until I could hardly believe anything she said. That was very destructive.

How you choose to live your life is, of course, your right but, equally, you cannot say to others that they should do the same as you, which I think is what you are trying to do in the following quote, with talk of explicit marriage contracts and statements that "we are entitled to seek our own fulfillment, but not at someone else's expense".





You make marriage sound like any other legal contract. If only it were so simple. It would be fine if we all drew up pre-nuptial agreements specifying how many times sex would take place each week, how many blow jobs would be given, how many times he would go down on her, whether anal sex was to be included, etc, etc. But we don't. Nor do we allow for changing sexuality (on both sides - actually men tend to lose libido as they get older whereas women often find it increasing).

A girlfriend of mine had not had sex from her husband for 15 years when I met her but the rest of her marriage could be described as a good working partnership with a lovely home, shared interests and joint friends. She did not want to give up all that (and he would have lost it all too if they'd divorced) but she did want to be fucked. Are you saying that her choice should have between fucking and splitting up with her husband?

Marriages can have a lot going for them outside of an unsatisfactory sex life which is worth keeping going. That is why I think that open relationships have so much going for them.

Very well said.
My marriage is just like that. We have absolutely everything in common, things we like to do, where to eat, our style of decorating in the home and our clothes we wear. Was it always the best marriage? No, kids, money and his family put a lot of strain on our marriage, a lot! But the kids are grown, his family is still a major issue but I just keep my distance from them now, or certain members of his family anyway. Hubby and I have the same goals...but what our marriage needs to be is an open marriage.

I am not saying just for me, it be open for him as well, and us always play together. we have actually discussed this, and I plan on bring this topic up this weekend...I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass.

 

[norfolklad]

What I want is what we had before his sick parents took over our lives. Our marriage was probably the best it ever had been. we communicated, he supported me emotionally, was there for me, and I was him. His mother getting sick, and all the bullshit that followed with his family hanged him somehow. I still haven't quite figured out what happened.

Now, finally he has his life back from caring for parents. We met for lunch again today, and he said it still hadn't hit him that he is home every night now. I have to say, since he has started being home every night it has been much better. Like today at lunch, standing at the counter waiting to order. He reached over and put his arm around my waist and pulled me over and up against him and held me there. That's something I like and need he never does, but I am noticing he is paying more attention. That's progress.

Smallgirl, this should not be about judging you but about supporting you. Having been in a similar situation (only in my case the 'distraction' was alcohol, not in-laws) I understand your position only too well. As I said in my previous post, there is a whole lot to marriage worth saving apart from sex, so I admire the fact that you want to save it.

On the other hand, you have needs too. After many attempts to solve it, I had to make clear to my wife that her drinking was wrecking our marriage. I wasn't making a judgement, just stating the fact. And then I had two affairs, one which she knew about, the other she didn't. Maybe, now that he is free of caring responsibilities (been there, done that too) you need to make it clear to your husband that you are an important part of his life too and you have as many needs as his parents if he wants to keep you. (And I get the impression that you're well worth keeping.)

I wish you well, I really do. You are between a rock and a hard place. We should be adding softness to your life, not criticising you.

 

[policywank]

What I want is what we had before his sick parents took over our lives. Our marriage was probably the best it ever had been. we communicated, he supported me emotionally, was there for me, and I was him. His mother getting sick, and all the bullshit that followed with his family hanged him somehow. I still haven't quite figured out what happened.

Now, finally he has his life back from caring for parents. We met for lunch again today, and he said it still hadn't hit him that he is home every night now. I have to say, since he has started being home every night it has been much better. Like today at lunch, standing at the counter waiting to order. He reached over and put his arm around my waist and pulled me over and up against him and held me there. That's something I like and need he never does, but I am noticing he is paying more attention. That's progress.

Very glad to hear it.

 

[smallgirl]

Smallgirl, this should not be about judging you but about supporting you. Having been in a similar situation (only in my case the 'distraction' was alcohol, not in-laws) I understand your position only too well. As I said in my previous post, there is a whole lot to marriage worth saving apart from sex, so I admire the fact that you want to save it.

On the other hand, you have needs too. After many attempts to solve it, I had to make clear to my wife that her drinking was wrecking our marriage. I wasn't making a judgement, just stating the fact. And then I had two affairs, one which she knew about, the other she didn't. Maybe, now that he is free of caring responsibilities (been there, done that too) you need to make it clear to your husband that you are an important part of his life too and you have as many needs as his parents if he wants to keep you. (And I get the impression that you're well worth keeping.)

I wish you well, I really do. You are between a rock and a hard place. We should be adding softness to your life, not criticising you.

Thank you for that. With our kids grown and gone, I really don't want to be a statistic. I want this to work, and I am really REALLY trying.
I do plan on having that talk. For the last almost 16 months he has been taking care of a parent, and I can see the load it has taken off of him by not having to do that now. It's time for me to speak up. I didn't feel like I could when he had that on him, you know?

 

[policywank]

I see what you are saying here. The problem with lying is that it becomes very difficult for the lied-to person to know where truth ends and lies start. I would much rather that someone said nothing to me than to lie. The worst case I came across was with a gf who lied about a relationship with someone else and then, when that lie was exposed, lied again to try to cover it up. The situation just got worse and worse until I could hardly believe anything she said. That was very destructive.

How you choose to live your life is, of course, your right but, equally, you cannot say to others that they should do the same as you, which I think is what you are trying to do in the following quote, with talk of explicit marriage contracts and statements that "we are entitled to seek our own fulfillment, but not at someone else's expense".





You make marriage sound like any other legal contract. If only it were so simple. It would be fine if we all drew up pre-nuptial agreements specifying how many times sex would take place each week, how many blow jobs would be given, how many times he would go down on her, whether anal sex was to be included, etc, etc. But we don't. Nor do we allow for changing sexuality (on both sides - actually men tend to lose libido as they get older whereas women often find it increasing).

A girlfriend of mine had not had sex from her husband for 15 years when I met her but the rest of her marriage could be described as a good working partnership with a lovely home, shared interests and joint friends. She did not want to give up all that (and he would have lost it all too if they'd divorced) but she did want to be fucked. Are you saying that her choice should have between fucking and splitting up with her husband?

Marriages can have a lot going for them outside of an unsatisfactory sex life which is worth keeping going. That is why I think that open relationships have so much going for them.

The contract reference was really more of a metaphor. What I am getting at is the relationship much be viewed in its totality. The simple premise that I am not sexually fulfilled at home isn't for me adequate rationale to make all cheating ok. You must take the next step and consider the implications of your actions on your spouse. And both those perspectives must be put in context of the relationship, past events etc. There is no right answer and I didn't mean to suggest that there is.

But fucking someone over in a very callous way (not accusing anyone here) just because you aren't fulfilled and don't want to deal with the consequences of a break-up is not right.

 

[policywank]

Very well said.
My marriage is just like that. We have absolutely everything in common, things we like to do, where to eat, our style of decorating in the home and our clothes we wear. Was it always the best marriage? No, kids, money and his family put a lot of strain on our marriage, a lot! But the kids are grown, his family is still a major issue but I just keep my distance from them now, or certain members of his family anyway. Hubby and I have the same goals...but what our marriage needs to be is an open marriage.

I am not saying just for me, it be open for him as well, and us always play together. we have actually discussed this, and I plan on bring this topic up this weekend...I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass.

Good idea. My issue has always been with lying not sexual activity (if it were I would be a giant hypocrite).

 

[norfolklad]

...It's time for me to speak up. I didn't feel like I could when he had that on him, you know?

Not so much for you but for anyone looking in who is in a similar situation, I know it's hard to add burdens to someone who is already heavily burdened but sometimes you do have to be hard and say "Hoi, me too!". Sometimes it's all too easy to focus on a burden and to forget the things that really matter.

 

[norfolklad]

...The simple premise that I am not sexually fulfilled at home isn't for me adequate rationale to make all cheating ok. You must take the next step and consider the implications of your actions on your spouse.

But equally, a spouse who is not fulfilling your needs also has to take a great deal of the responsibility. It always annoyed me when my girlfriend spoke about her husband as 'the innocent party'. My reply was 'No, someone who doesn't make love to his wife for 15 years is NOT an innocent party.'

 

[policywank]

Smallgirl, this should not be about judging you but about supporting you. Having been in a similar situation (only in my case the 'distraction' was alcohol, not in-laws) I understand your position only too well. As I said in my previous post, there is a whole lot to marriage worth saving apart from sex, so I admire the fact that you want to save it.

On the other hand, you have needs too. After many attempts to solve it, I had to make clear to my wife that her drinking was wrecking our marriage. I wasn't making a judgement, just stating the fact. And then I had two affairs, one which she knew about, the other she didn't. Maybe, now that he is free of caring responsibilities (been there, done that too) you need to make it clear to your husband that you are an important part of his life too and you have as many needs as his parents if he wants to keep you. (And I get the impression that you're well worth keeping.)

I wish you well, I really do. You are between a rock and a hard place. We should be adding softness to your life, not criticising you.

I don't know if you are referring to my comments but they aren't directed at SmallGirl. The thread is about should cheating be kept secret. My comments are directed to the premise that in a partnership that question needs to be addressed in the context of both partner's perspectives. If you are the one cheating and haven't told your partner they can't speak for themselves. So it isn't good enough to just assess the impact on your own fulfillment. You owe it to the partner to consider their perspective. I intended no suggestion as to what one should conclude, only that you must take that second step and consider more than your own fulfillment. I have no reason to believe SmallGirl hasn't done that.

 

[smallgirl]

Not so much for you but for anyone looking in who is in a similar situation, I know it's hard to add burdens to someone who is already heavily burdened but sometimes you do have to be hard and say "Hoi, me too!". Sometimes it's all too easy to focus on a burden and to forget the things that really matter.

And that's exactly what he has done. He was so focused on his parents, and his stressful job, that I was pushed to the back burner, and while he wasn't looking, I changed. I need more now.

 

[smallgirl]

But equally, a spouse who is not fulfilling your needs also has to take a great deal of the responsibility. It always annoyed me when my girlfriend spoke about her husband as 'the innocent party'. My reply was 'No, someone who doesn't make love to his wife for 15 years is NOT an innocent party.'

I agree with you there. It's not like I didn't try to talk to him, you know? I have, multiple of times. He just had too much on his plate to deal with already I guess.

I have to give him credit where credit is due. Since his brother moved his dad in with him, hubby has been a lot different.

 

[policywank]

But equally, a spouse who is not fulfilling your needs also has to take a great deal of the responsibility. It always annoyed me when my girlfriend spoke about her husband as 'the innocent party'. My reply was 'No, someone who doesn't make love to his wife for 15 years is NOT an innocent party.'

I agree. I certainly did not intend to imply that the spouse is innocent. One can imagine many scenarios where the spouse is the source of the problem (violence, neglect, alcoholism, workaholic) or at least shares equally in the responsibility.

However, the spouse is not part of the dialogue if he/she doesn't know about the cheating. So the "cheating" spouse who is choosing to hide their activities so as to keep the marriage alive needs to consider more than their own needs. If they are going to say "fuck it I'll do what I want" they need to at least consider the obligation to let their spouse know what they are doing so the spouse can make their own choice to get on with their lives.

If you are going to say "but I want to stay married" the decent thing to do is at least ask "would my spouse want to stay married if he/she had full information?"

 

[Verycurious18]

That's very well said. I agree 100%. What do you do if your relationship gives you everything you need except for one thing? Do you divorce because sex is lacking but everything else is good? Or do you cheat? Or do you just live unhappy sexually and go without what you need?

Its the million dollar question with no right answer.

Do we really need sex?


If you never had it before and you have functioned fine then there no real need am I right? Once you have tried and enjoyed yourself you get used to the pleasures you want and now desire it, but to say you need it is a whole different story. Most feel entitled to enjoy and receive pleasure from their s/o so can we really say it's a need. Or is the fact that we enjoy it so much make it a need. You can live without sex.



The real question here is are you willing to lay down your wants for your partner.