Shy child issues?

[SweetErika]

Smiling is indeed a start.......lets hope it carries on and she makes loads of friends

I know this is filled with good intention, but I have to say, as someone who sounds very much like Eilan's daughter, it bugs me. I've never had "loads" of friends, and the thing that loved ones have missed in the past is that I never wanted loads - I was (and still am) a happy camper with myself and a best friend, or a very small group of close friends. More is fine, but I think I've always realized I can't be close with more than a handful, so more is not something I've ever sought.

My problem with phrases like "let's hope she makes loads of friends" is they always made me feel like there was something very wrong with me, which made me feel like more of an outsider and shy around my peer group. Like the little one in question, I internalized everything, so additional pressure was often too much to bear. I knew I was different in a lot of ways, and didn't need more reinforcement of that.

Eilan, at that age, my parents went out of their way to support the friendships I cultivated. Because we lived in a different school district about 40 minutes from anyone else, that meant a lot of coordinating with other parents and driving back and forth. Like you, they helped me get involved in the things I was interested in - soccer, piano, a girls choir (I mention it because you said she was a singer), etc. I didn't make a lot of friends in those activities, but I did learn to socialize with my peer group better.

Most of all, I think you know not to push it and have faith she'll come into her own and turn out great, just like all of us like her have. It took a while, but my ability to relate to adults has paid off in many ways (including strong friendships), and I'm sure hers will, too. She just has to find her niche.

 

[Emes]

I know this is filled with good intention, but I have to say, as someone who sounds very much like Eilan's daughter, it bugs me. I've never had "loads" of friends, and the thing that loved ones have missed in the past is that I never wanted loads - I was (and still am) a happy camper with myself and a best friend, or a very small group of close friends. More is fine, but I think I've always realized I can't be close with more than a handful, so more is not something I've ever sought.

My problem with phrases like "let's hope she makes loads of friends" is they always made me feel like there was something very wrong with me, which made me feel like more of an outsider and shy around my peer group. Like the little one in question, I internalized everything, so additional pressure was often too much to bear. I knew I was different in a lot of ways, and didn't need more reinforcement of that.

I can count on one hand the number of people i have ever counted as friends so believe me, i know what it feels.

My son also has 2 people at school he classes as friends and i know how lonely he is if they are playing with someone else or arent at school.

He uses the freindship stop when this happens....he is neither bullied or made to feel like a reject. He can play with other kids whose friends are away or doing other things.

I am sorry if you took offence at anything i have said....that is not the way it was intended to sound

 

[SweetErika]

I can count on one hand the number of people i have ever counted as friends so believe me, i know what it feels.

My son also has 2 people at school he classes as friends and i know how lonely he is if they are playing with someone else or arent at school.

He uses the freindship stop when this happens....he is neither bullied or made to feel like a reject. He can play with other kids whose friends are away or doing other things.

I am sorry if you took offence at anything i have said....that is not the way it was intended to sound

No apology necessary - I didn't take offense, Emes, I was just pointing out how something filled with good intention could be problematic for certain people. (I should have used more of those in my post, too! )

The friendship stop strikes me as a fabulous idea; I'll definitely suggest it at my kid's school if they don't have one. Do you know how they've implemented it so kids who go there don't get picked on for being 'loners'?

 

[Emes]

No apology necessary - I didn't take offense, Emes, I was just pointing out how something filled with good intention could be problematic for certain people. (I should have used more of those in my post, too! )

The friendship stop strikes me as a fabulous idea; I'll definitely suggest it at my kid's school if they don't have one. Do you know how they've implemented it so kids who go there don't get picked on for being 'loners'?

I'm not really sure how it is implemented, but think it was put in place to help cut down on bullying! Right from the reception children through to those in their last year can use it and it has certainly helped.

The whole school is very much into accepting others for what they can do rather than what they cant....that every child cant be good at everything. There are the odd kids that are picked on but it is few and far between and is dealt with very quickly.

(cant find an olive branch!)

 

[EJFan]

i can't imagine what it's like to be a parent watching their child feel distressed. granted, this isn't like dealing with a major medical malady or something like that but seeing a child emotionally hurt can't be easy.

as a non-parent, my belief has always been that it's a partent's duty to identify a child's tendancies and personality traits and to nurture those things to maturity in a healthy way. social interaction is a crucial skill, but reserved "loners" can be content and successful. i suspect that's the real key here. what gives her the greater pleasure? there are negative aspects to all personality types. can she deal with the negative responses to her reserved nature? her personality isn't "bad" or "wrong" so maybe she just needs help in dealing with the fallout rather than help in changing into something she's not inclined to be.