so fuckin tired of lies n bullshit.

[massage45678]

Emo!

Please don't be emo. We all know "I just don't care anymore" isn't true. LOVE yourself and everything will be better. If you don't love yourself you'll always end up in relationships with abusive assholes.

 

[pink]

You've given this your best shot at making it work. Now that you have, it's time to get out. Look at what you're teaching your child. You are telling him/her that this behavior is acceptable.

Everyone is right, you have to love yourself or at the very least, respect yourself. You need to be alone, build your own life. Get some therapy, seriously. You can turn this around, find youself and then down the road you will be so ready for a healthy loving man.


There is nothing wrong with being alone. i am 41, never been married. i have a 14 yr old daughter and we are so happy. She is in high school and makes the honor roll every semester. i have a big roll in her success. i will settle down someday, but i'm in no hurry.

Just remember you deserve respect.

 

[akazie]

How is everything going AgonySceneGirl?

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

How is everything going AgonySceneGirl?

at the moment - i'm really not sure.
sorry i'm not able to give any kind of input at the time because right now i'm really fking confused and unsure of what i need to do.
I know everyone here has been telling me to leave but thats easier said than done. i should leave but something keeps telling me to stick around and he'll realize he's being really fuckin stupid.

 

[akazie]

at the moment - i'm really not sure.
sorry i'm not able to give any kind of input at the time because right now i'm really fking confused and unsure of what i need to do.
I know everyone here has been telling me to leave but thats easier said than done. i should leave but something keeps telling me to stick around and he'll realize he's being really fuckin stupid.

Thats okay, sometimes it takes time to decide what to do in a situation. Take care of yourself and your beautiful child

 

[SweetErika]

at the moment - i'm really not sure.
sorry i'm not able to give any kind of input at the time because right now i'm really fking confused and unsure of what i need to do.
I know everyone here has been telling me to leave but thats easier said than done. i should leave but something keeps telling me to stick around and he'll realize he's being really fuckin stupid.

Can you identify what it is that's telling you to stay? And what's making you feel he'll change how he treats you? (Separate questions because I think they're probably separate issues.)

Could you change ONE thing about how you're responding to the way he's treating you? For example, instead of dumping him at this time, could you communicate your anger and hurt when he lies or wants you to come over for sex and refuse to go over there/let him come to you without prior plans for a date? Or could you tell him you've decided to take a break from the relationship to work on yourself?

Both of those things are good intermediate steps and may result in him treating you better. They would also be good for you in the sense that they're examples of treating yourself well, which improves self-esteem. However, continuing to respond the same way to his bad behavior isn't going to result in any changes. After all, why would he lift a brain cell, realize using you is NOT OK and change when he's getting exactly what he wants now?

If you're not currently able to do something bigger, break it into manageable bites and follow through with eating those until you're completely satisfied or finished. Otherwise, you're going to get the same results from doing the same thing, over and over. It's like parenting - if your son throws a tantrum and you give him what he wants to shut him up, you can expect him to throw a lot more tantrums in the future, right? If, however, he's never rewarded for throwing a fit, he won't continue trying that method after awhile. Just like you have to teach your kid how to treat you and others, you have to teach your boyfriend that you're not going to put up with him treating you like crap. If you can say "no" to your son, you can say "no" to your partner.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

well he did it again.
I went over there last night around midnight<was so late because he was busy and so was i. I spent the day there, was great. talked, laughed, held eachother. Then i had to go home to get 'female products' from my cabinet and he left to go work on his car again. i asked him if i could come back up when he was done and he said "yeah" with a smile on his face and kissed me farewell. i thought everything was going great. Then.... he did it again.
around 10, i called him to ask him if he still wanted me to come up - - - no responce. So i left to go get my stuff from the store and as i was at the store, he sent me a text msg saying "at a surprize party." didnt say where or to come out. So - i decided to go to the bar, knowing he was there. <I'm blonde not that stupid. and he was - the surprize party was for a mutual friend that i didnt get invited to because he was suppose to give me my invitation. I get there - pull him out of the bar, and as i pull him out of the bar - all of OUR friends start laughing and cheering at him because he's busted and knows it<<<Yeah that royally pissed me off. so i ask him why he ignored me all night. he said because he needed his alone time. so i proceeded to ask 'well why the hell did ya say i could come up and that you'd call me, ya sit here and ignore me all fuckin night and wonder why i get pissed.' again said it was because he wanted his own time - - well fuck 3 weeks isnt good enough? as we are standing there talking, some of our friends come out to talk to him to make sure i'm not about to kick his stupid fuckin ass, and i basically, in the most polite way i could' told them to fuck off and die in a fire. when they finally got the hint to leave us alone. I told him to fuck off and walked away. As i was walking away i seriously debated on slashin the tires on his precious camaro<glad i didnt now because that would have gotten me into a lot of trouble lol but still wanted to. i got home around midnight or so - and have been sitting here trying to figure out what to do.
A friend - who was there, sent me a message saying that she understands where i'm coming from and that he is telling everyone a different story - saying that i'm psycho and controlling and all that great shit. how am i being controlling when all i want is more than 1 day a week with him? she told me the same thing you guys are tleling me - that i need to leave him and if he really wants to be with me - than he'll realize it after i'm gone and let him fuckin suffer without me.
BUT - ME being a dumbfuck, texted him telling him to call me when he got home. he called about 15-20 minutes ago saying he's at a friends house playing beer pong and he wont be home till tomorrow. and that he really does want to be with me. Yeah i doubt it. right now i dont even know if i wanna hear what he has to say.
i'm seriously getting sick of this lieing/ignoring bullshit and playing it off to all of our friends that its all my fault. i think i made it clear to most of them that it isnt all my fault, at least i'm hoping i did anyway.

 

[TheLamb]

well he did it again.
I went over there last night around midnight<was so late because he was busy and so was i. I spent the day there, was great. talked, laughed, held eachother. Then i had to go home to get 'female products' from my cabinet and he left to go work on his car again. i asked him if i could come back up when he was done and he said "yeah" with a smile on his face and kissed me farewell. i thought everything was going great. Then.... he did it again.
around 10, i called him to ask him if he still wanted me to come up - - - no responce. So i left to go get my stuff from the store and as i was at the store, he sent me a text msg saying "at a surprize party." didnt say where or to come out. So - i decided to go to the bar, knowing he was there. <I'm blonde not that stupid. and he was - the surprize party was for a mutual friend that i didnt get invited to because he was suppose to give me my invitation. I get there - pull him out of the bar, and as i pull him out of the bar - all of OUR friends start laughing and cheering at him because he's busted and knows it<<<Yeah that royally pissed me off. so i ask him why he ignored me all night. he said because he needed his alone time. so i proceeded to ask 'well why the hell did ya say i could come up and that you'd call me, ya sit here and ignore me all fuckin night and wonder why i get pissed.' again said it was because he wanted his own time - - well fuck 3 weeks isnt good enough? as we are standing there talking, some of our friends come out to talk to him to make sure i'm not about to kick his stupid fuckin ass, and i basically, in the most polite way i could' told them to fuck off and die in a fire. when they finally got the hint to leave us alone. I told him to fuck off and walked away. As i was walking away i seriously debated on slashin the tires on his precious camaro<glad i didnt now because that would have gotten me into a lot of trouble lol but still wanted to. i got home around midnight or so - and have been sitting here trying to figure out what to do.
A friend - who was there, sent me a message saying that she understands where i'm coming from and that he is telling everyone a different story - saying that i'm psycho and controlling and all that great shit. how am i being controlling when all i want is more than 1 day a week with him? she told me the same thing you guys are tleling me - that i need to leave him and if he really wants to be with me - than he'll realize it after i'm gone and let him fuckin suffer without me.
BUT - ME being a dumbfuck, texted him telling him to call me when he got home. he called about 15-20 minutes ago saying he's at a friends house playing beer pong and he wont be home till tomorrow. and that he really does want to be with me. Yeah i doubt it. right now i dont even know if i wanna hear what he has to say.
i'm seriously getting sick of this lieing/ignoring bullshit and playing it off to all of our friends that its all my fault. i think i made it clear to most of them that it isnt all my fault, at least i'm hoping i did anyway.

Sweetheart....Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

honestly - i dont know anymore.

 

[TheLamb]

honestly - i dont know anymore.

Don't be silly....the longer you let this go on, the more you will hurt. You could be healing at this point, but you're just making the wound deeper.......I know you're smarter than that <3

 

[SweetErika]

Just driving a Camaro, going to the bar that much and "playing beer bong" at his age are grounds for immediate dumping.

I bet he drives that Camaro after doing all of that drinking, too.

At some point, you're going to have to listen to all of the reasonable people (including your friends - for every one that tells you he's not good for you, there are surely many more who want to say something, but are afraid to) and the part of you that doesn't want to be treated like shit anymore, and do something to make your situation better.

If not, be prepared to say goodbye to the rest of yourself for the duration of this relationship and at least some of your friends. It's difficult and energy-consuming to watch someone in your situation not do anything to help themselves, and I'm betting your anger at him and yourself over this will start destroying your other relationships pretty soon.

 

[baronvonschtupp]

well he did it again.

And he will continue doing it as long as you allow it.

Let Uncle Schtupp show you your future, darlin'. This relationship will play out in one of three ways.

Scenario One: You will continue on with the jerk until you are totally lost in the useless dynamics of his aloofness and your need to have him validate you. When he is done with you he will toss you aside like yesterday's dirty underwear. You will be bitter and empty.

Scenario Two (Best Case): You will realize that he isn't worth all the energy, angst, pain, and self effacement you are going through to keep him, and dump him like he should be dumped. You will come to know you are worth more than that and go on to establish positive self worth and self image.

Scenario Three: (Worst Case): One of these times when you confront him, the alcohol and and his immaturity allow him to assault you or worse.

Know that just because he may not have done so yet, doesn't mean he won't beat the snot out of you, or worse one night when you confront him.

When I was a cop, I handled far too many calls where the female was sure that he would never "lay a hand on her". Some paid for that false security with their lives.

Thousands of women a year are assaulted, raped, and/or killed because they did not end the abusive relationship and leave the abuser behind. They didn't want to be alone. They looked to their husband, boyfriend, lover, for validation and self worth. Then one time it happens... they get hit. After the police get involved they fail to press charges because "they love him"... and the cycle continues until one time they may be lucky enough to escape with their life.

Please, do whatever it takes to leave him and start over. Insure your life is happy and safe. And yes, that is your job. No one else's.

So you have a choice. You need to make it, and soon.

I can only hope that you come to your senses and move on.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

i should leave but something keeps telling me to stick around and he'll realize he's being really fuckin stupid.

ASG, I have to say that if you think for one minute that he's going to change when he only calls you up in the middle of the night for a fuck, lies through his ass the rest of the time and then embarrasses you in front of all your friends (what kind of friends are they anyway to sit there and let him play you for a dumb bitch and then laugh?).

If you still think you have any kind of future with this fucktard then it ain't him who's 'being really fuckin stupid.'

What else are you going to take from this guy exactly? At what point will you say 'enough is enough' and actually mean it; evidence of cheating, a black eye, HIV?

I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic, it's just this man's actions have been completely indefensible for a long time. He's not a millionaire, Brad Pitt or made of chocolate (and even if he were I wouldn't take anything like the shit you're swallowing and then going back for seconds) so why, why, why haven't you dumped him?

Men like that make me truly grateful for vibrators.

 

[Cathleen]

ASG, I wish we could make it right but that isn't how it's going to work.

You are in a relationship, he isn't. He has a FB, you think you have a BF. "He didn't do it again," you did. He doesn't want to change and has no reason but you do and should.

You know you should leave but you don't think you can be alone. (Believe me you can be alone in a room of a thousand sometimes.) You can be alone, there is no doubt in my mind but it's your mind that matters.

I know you've shared some things about your prior abuser (I say prior because this guy is abusing you too) and you said you dealt with all that and have moved on. You haven't, at least your behavior says you haven't.

I know abusive relationships aren't easy to leave, physically and emotionally. I also know that people who haven't been in one can find it extremely difficult to understand how tough it is to leave, physically and emotionally. Professional help is crucial, IMHO. You can't hear me screaming "Just leave the fucker," and I can't hear you screaming "It's not that easy!" There are dynamics that aren't found in your 'average everyday crappy relationship,' it's more complicated and complex. But with help you'll learn how to be your best friend.

As I said before you are responsible for your son's experiences. Even if he isn't witness to the abuse he is effected by it -- think second hand smoke. Speaking from experience what you do will effect him -- doesn't he deserve the very best parent possible?

 

[Noor]

well he did it again.

No, you let it happen again. You are doing just what he wants. Stop playing his game. You know how they say doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity? Well that is what you are doing.

BUT - ME being a dumbfuck, texted him telling him to call me when he got home. he called about 15-20 minutes ago saying he's at a friends house playing beer pong and he wont be home till tomorrow. and that he really does want to be with me. Yeah i doubt it. right now i dont even know if i wanna hear what he has to say.
i'm seriously getting sick of this lieing/ignoring bullshit and playing it off to all of our friends that its all my fault. i think i made it clear to most of them that it isnt all my fault, at least i'm hoping i did anyway.

Yes, he wants you, he wants to get laid when he wants it. He will say anything to you it doesn't matter, you still want him, he still gets laid. You text him after that crap he pulled? You are basically telling him it was alright to do that. Do you reward a pet when they pee on the floor too?

The only way you can make anything clear to anyone is to CHANGE YOUR ACTIONS! Everything else is just words and meaningless.

Get some guts, there are tons of decent guys out there. if you can't give this one up, change things. Lay him when you want, let him get you off and walk. Make plans with your friends and refuse to give them up for him.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, they can all see whats going on. You are letting yourself be used, they are probably wondering what you are getting out of it. or maybe if you are nuts. telling them otherwise is a waste of breath.

Look what you are doing is going nowhere but making you nuts. Either dump the SOB or train him, treat him like a pet if you have to. Reward him only for good behavior, ignore him for bad. Since he is human let him clean up his mess.

You are being a bad example for your son, and you are letting everyone else in town know that you have no guts, no self esteem and can be used. You need to turn this around now, because you are also killing off potential future relationships by YOUR own behavior. Why do you think he goes to the bar? So you will show up and make a scene.

Its a set up! He likes this, it serves his purposes. Just think of the sympathy it generates among other women "poor baby going out with a fruitcake like that, he must be such a good guy to put up with her" Hell, he probably tells them how you never have sex and he is just with you because he loves you so much and you are this poor unwed mother who doesn't have a life... That should be good for a pity fuck or two.

So either change your actions/reactions and get him in line or get out!

None of this true, but based on YOUR actions it could look that way.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Drama can be very enjoyable, can't it?

 

[Noor]

Drama can be very enjoyable, can't it?

Its like misdirection, always has a purpose, it always benefits someone.

 

[SusyQ]

some of our friends come out to talk to him to make sure i'm not about to kick his stupid fuckin ass, and i basically, in the most polite way i could' told them to fuck off and die in a fire. when they finally got the hint to leave us alone. I told him to fuck off and walked away. As i was walking away i seriously debated on slashin the tires on his precious camaro<glad i didnt now because that would have gotten me into a lot of trouble lol but still wanted to. i got home around midnight or so - and have been sitting here trying to figure out what to do.

What you need to do is get out, NOW. I realize that it's hard to give up on something you've worked so hard on and had such hopes for. I know that it's scary to contemplate being alone.

But at the end of the day, you have a child. He needs you and he gets no choices in this situation. From your description, you are getting angrier and your bf is getting more obnoxious. (He told you that you were less important than playing beer pong, for heaven's sake. Of COURSE you're angry and hurt.) The situation is escalating and if you get hauled off for disturbing the peace or vandalism or assault, what's going to happen to your son?

Also, even if you don't completely lose it one day and get arrested, what do you think all these people who've watched these scenes are going to do if your ex decides he wants custody of your son? That's always a possibility. You've said he was an abusive asshole, but if the choice is between a dad who (may have -- I don't know if you ever filed charges) beat his gf in the past and a mom who's currently having scenes in bars, what do you think a judge would decide?

As for your friends, I suspect that they do not see this situation as black and white. Sure, they may think your bf is a jackass, but they probably also think that you are allowing him to be one. The first couple of times he did this, you might have been a victim; at this point, you're a volunteer.

 

[SweetErika]

What you need to do is get out, NOW. I realize that it's hard to give up on something you've worked so hard on and had such hopes for. I know that it's scary to contemplate being alone.

But at the end of the day, you have a child. He needs you and he gets no choices in this situation. From your description, you are getting angrier and your bf is getting more obnoxious. (He told you that you were less important than playing beer pong, for heaven's sake. Of COURSE you're angry and hurt.) The situation is escalating and if you get hauled off for disturbing the peace or vandalism or assault, what's going to happen to your son?

Also, even if you don't completely lose it one day and get arrested, what do you think all these people who've watched these scenes are going to do if your ex decides he wants custody of your son? That's always a possibility. You've said he was an abusive asshole, but if the choice is between a dad who (may have -- I don't know if you ever filed charges) beat his gf in the past and a mom who's currently having scenes in bars, what do you think a judge would decide?

As for your friends, I suspect that they do not see this situation as black and white. Sure, they may think your bf is a jackass, but they probably also think that you are allowing him to be one. The first couple of times he did this, you might have been a victim; at this point, you're a volunteer.

All excellent points, SusyQ! Welcome to Lit!

I love the bold line. Mind if I steal it?

 

[SusyQ]

Thanks, Erica!

And sure you can steal it. I stole it from Gavin DeBecker...

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

for all wondering.
i left.
havent spoken with him in 4 days, hard as hell not to pick up the phone n keep trying but i realized its pointless so i dont. A friend of mine <who has helped me in the past> is yet again at my side helping me out again and is making it easier for me to the best of his knowledge. And if you think i'm gonna rush into another relationship - not happening. he is just a friend and will always be just a friend.

 

[SweetErika]

for all wondering.
i left.
havent spoken with him in 4 days, hard as hell not to pick up the phone n keep trying but i realized its pointless so i dont. A friend of mine <who has helped me in the past> is yet again at my side helping me out again and is making it easier for me to the best of his knowledge. And if you think i'm gonna rush into another relationship - not happening. he is just a friend and will always be just a friend.

Good for you! Keep it up!

And give yourself a year or so to work on yourself and heal from these abusive relationships. Anyone you meet in the meantime who's really worth it (considering, dating, having sex with) will encourage you to take your time and wait until you're truly ready.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

And give yourself a year or so to work on yourself and heal from these abusive relationships. Anyone you meet in the meantime who's really worth it (considering, dating, having sex with) will encourage you to take your time and wait until you're truly ready.

taking longer than a year.
I was alone for 2 years and then got thrown into this bs again because i figured taking a chance wouldnt hurt.. so it is probably going to take a lot longer this time. i'd rather be single than in a relationship and miserable. Going back into shell now and this time its going to take a lot more than just words to crack it open.

 

[SusyQ]

This is really excellent, ASG! And it is SO hard at first. Just keep telling yourself, though, that it really does get easier every second you go without contacting him. Soon, you'll be able to go for minutes, then hours, then days at a time without even thinking about him. You don't have to plan for that now, just know it will happen if you hang in there. For now, focus on getting through things a moment at a time.

I think what Erika meant about taking a year is not that it may take you a year to find someone new, but that you should give yourself at least a year where you are the most important person in your life. It's hard for women, I think -- we've been told by society that the way to be happy (and definitely the way to be a "good" woman) is to give, give, give to others. Every relationship involves compromise, but everybody deserves a time in their lives when they don't have to, when they get to be first. It can feel selfish if you're not used to it, but it's not. It's healthy. Eat what you want for dinner, go to bed when you want. If you want to go out for a drink, go. If you want to stay home and watch The Princess Diaries, stay home. If you want to wear that sexy dress, or jeans and no makeup, do it.

You've done the hardest part already. It's good you have a friend who can be supportive of you right now. Your ex may call, try to talk you out of it, promise to change. Sometimes that's where friends can be the most help -- to take those calls or to stand next to you and roll their eyes, reminding you that you're strong and worth so much more than this.

Hang in there!

 

[bailadora]

hard as hell not to pick up the phone n keep trying but i realized its pointless so i dont.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Every time temptation rears it's ugly head, repeat the following to yourself - "I deserve better, I deserve better".