So what is "normal" anyway...?

[kaboom3d]

would that include me?

particularly you, kiddo D)

what ya doing up?

 

[apple_pi]

particularly you, kiddo D)

what ya doing up?

Stocking you...lol

Been working on shit all night ... blah
going to the office in a couple, guess i'll live off coffee all day...

So, ya think I may be a little abnormal? Would that be in a good way?

 

[wicked woman]

Ah.... Lady Jeanne...

Yes! That is what I was asking, but also to discuss WHY that is further. Thank you for your reply; as always you make a lot of sense to me and I agree with what you said here.

I guess it works somewhat the same for me. I am wondering though.... if you would meet a partner who would want things (I'm still talking sexlife here) from you you had never considered before and would not even have believed anyone you would find attractive would want to do.... would you be open to their suggestions?

And if so, would that then be because of the person asking you these things? I guess I'm talking extremes. At the same time I'm writing this I realize quite well that extremes also mean different things to different people. it's a hard one to discuss I guess, but will you give it a try?

Being open to their suggestions? yes definitely. With a caveat that it was a relaationship built on respect, trust, and caring. Why wouldn't I want to try something that a partner would enjoy? Part of my pleasure in a relationship is giving my partner pleasure. I don't know if I'll like it unless I try. But those caveats have to be there...I need to know/trust that their request takes into account my well being as well.

As an aside, isn't that part of growing? There are a variety of things I wouldn't have considered trying on my own...ok call me unimaginative! But once requested or presented in a certain way are definitely on my list of let's try.

Would I do it because of the person asking me? Partly yes...as I said above...why wouldn't I want to try to please my partner? That's the name of the game. I just don't think that's the only reason...I think part of it is based on my personality. I like to please my partner but I'm also open minded to different experieces and I think that makes me more receptive to it.

There are people who think 'normal' is man/woman, missionary, in the dark, in the bed, once a month. If that's your normal...and you're not open to expanding it...regardless of what your partner might like...you're not going to try it. *counting my blessings that doesn't describe me*

 

[M's girl]

Being open to their suggestions? yes definitely. With a caveat that it was a relaationship built on respect, trust, and caring. Why wouldn't I want to try something that a partner would enjoy?

Well.... let's just say that his enjoyment was to pee all over you. Or let's say that he wanted you to fuck someone else while he was watching. Let's say that he would want you to tie him up and scat all over him.

I'm going to extremes here, at least in my book. They are just examples; I can think of things that I would consider to be even worse. I want to add that with this I'm not judging anyone who likes to do these things. But those are just things I will not even consider. But how would you close the gap if your new BF would find it quite normal to piss over his girlfriend because the two last ones did not mind? Does that mean it's "normal"? Does that then mean that you would be the one who should consider again?

One of the earliest posters in this thread quoted someone and spoke about courage. In my book courage has NOTHING to do with trying new things. I would be courageous enough, that's not the problem. There are just things I know for certain and that is that I don't like sex where things are included I usually only dump in the toilet. But that's just me, and yes, I consider that to be quite normal.

 

[hippyfreak]

Thank you for replying. This is what I'm talking about. You start by saying you are a bit kinked in the bedroom. What things do you consider to be more kinky than others?

Your normal-list sounds quite normal to me too

My M is the same as you where anal is concerned. He likes it very much while I could not care less, to be honest (he knows this). What I think is funny is that I find anal sex to look at highly erotic sometimes (depends on how it is done). I will do some anal sometimes because I love M and it turns him on, and thát is a big turn on for me. So do I think anal sex is abnormal? No, but I do think it has become the norm almost because the porn business needed a new thrill. I am also convinced that for that same reason a lot of other things were pushed and are being considered almost the norm now. It's a bit of the Jackass mentality as far as I am concerned. What is it... boredom?

what makes me kinked? well its probably a pretty tame list compared to some of the pervs (and i use the term lovingly) on this board, but i'd say: anal (tho you're right it is becoming more "normal" due to porn,) cum play (snowballing, eating my SO's creampies, facials) some light b&d, toys, we've had a couple of FFM 3somes, watching porn together, rimming/anallingus (i just can't think "salad tossing" without giggling) both her on me and vice versa (actually she's only really eaten my ass a couple of times, usually just a lick or 2 while she's down on me, but god do i love her ass), and maybe soon i'll be able to add: posting pics of us here

as for your question regarding doing more extreme stuff cause a partner wanted: it 100% depends on the partner. i had a Fuck Buddy once who was into fairly serious BDSM who really liked to be whipped, held down and fisted, ect. i could get into some of it but had to draw the line at knife play, choking, and mayby some other stuff. i was just too freaked out, unsure of myself/us. but with my current SO and the level of trust we have together i think i could do any of those things, i fact right now the only thing i can think of that i 100%, would not, never, period, do would be scat. shit's nasty and i dont want to think about it, much less see in it the context of sex/love. i'm sure there are other things, but nothing else pops to mind that i wouldn't at least think about and discuss with her. cause i love her and love to make her happy (and hot)

 

[M's girl]

what makes me kinked? well its probably a pretty tame list compared to some of the pervs (and i use the term lovingly) on this board, but i'd say: anal (tho you're right it is becoming more "normal" due to porn,) cum play (snowballing, eating my SO's creampies, facials) some light b&d, toys, we've had a couple of FFM 3somes, watching porn together, rimming/anallingus (i just can't think "salad tossing" without giggling) both her on me and vice versa (actually she's only really eaten my ass a couple of times, usually just a lick or 2 while she's down on me, but god do i love her ass), and maybe soon i'll be able to add: posting pics of us here

Okay, clear enough. Then.... if you are kinky I guess we are too (minus the threesomes) . I know some of those things are not considered to be regular stuff by some people, like the snowballing (actually, we don't do that either - not in the exact sense anyway - not porn style if you will), eating creampies, facials. Although I would not say those are "normal" things, I do consider them to be fairly natural acts between two people in a loving and trusting relationship.

Like Silverwhisper I could never hurt someone during sex (and I try not to elsewhere too). I like some aspects of light BDSM because of the dominance factor, but only slightly. Besides, I could never do serious roleplaying (boy would I be a bad actress, haha) and imagine to be someone I was not. To me it feels like it has to be in your (my) nature already to be able to pull that one off and it just isn't.

I will never understand the shy people in real life who turn out to be hardcore slavedrivers in the bedroom. What is that? Maybe I'm just too plain boring and dull

 

[LadyJeanne]

Ah.... Lady Jeanne...

Yes! That is what I was asking, but also to discuss WHY that is further. Thank you for your reply; as always you make a lot of sense to me and I agree with what you said here.

I guess it works somewhat the same for me. I am wondering though.... if you would meet a partner who would want things (I'm still talking sexlife here) from you you had never considered before and would not even have believed anyone you would find attractive would want to do.... would you be open to their suggestions?

And if so, would that then be because of the person asking you these things? I guess I'm talking extremes. At the same time I'm writing this I realize quite well that extremes also mean different things to different people. it's a hard one to discuss I guess, but will you give it a try?

In a trusted relationship, I'd be open to suggestions, though I would still have my limits beyond which I would be uncomfortable or turned off. To go beyond my limits...well, there would have to be a compelling reason for me to go into what I consider the extremes, and that reason might be a partner's needs. Still, I think there are definitely things I wouldn't consider doing for anyone no matter what - threesomes, peeing/scat, heavy BDSM...- I find it hard to imagine I would be open to those kinds of things.

 

[reallyred]

Years ago someone, I forget who it was, told me this definition of "normal" and I always have remembered it.

Normal is a setting on a dryer.

There is no such thing as "normal". It is a lie that we have been told and the pressure put upon us to live up to this non-existant "status" is responsible for most of the unhappy people in the world.

I think that diversity in every way, shape and form is what makes our human experience so rich and exciting!

Just my opinion.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Years ago someone, I forget who it was, told me this definition of "normal" and I always have remembered it.

Normal is a setting on a dryer.

There is no such thing as "normal". It is a lie that we have been told and the pressure put upon us to live up to this non-existant "status" is responsible for most of the unhappy people in the world.

I think that diversity in every way, shape and form is what makes our human experience so rich and exciting!

Just my opinion.

While I agree with this for the most part, I think you can take the spectrum of sexual activites people engage in and probably develop a bell curve with the mean representing a set of activities that a majority of people engage in...kissing, fondling, PIV, oral. The deviations from the mean would be part of the tail ends of the bell curve. So maybe one standard deviation could be anal sex, 2 standard deviations could be no oral, and so on, until you get close to zero (no sex or snuff).

Probably of more use to statisticians and sexologists, but I think it can be used to define a range of activities that could be the 'norm' and the deviations from the 'norm'. You'd need a survey, of course, plus a lot of honest surveyees.

 

[kiwichyck]

I tend to think like what others have said. On a personal level, within the boundaries of your own four walls, normal is whatever you do and feel comfortable with.

On a social level, I guess abnormal is all of the things that you wouldn't tell your friends/family/people on the street.

I consider myself probably somewhere between normal and repressed. But we do participate in sexual activity that some people would consider abnormal. I'm happy to tell my friends that PIV and oral are in the mix (not that I talk about my sex life in RL very often, but I will if it comes up!), but I would think VERY carefully before I admitted doing anal, fisting and spanking.

I think many women grow up with the unsaid rule that enjoying sex is fine, but a 'normal' or 'nice' girl will draw some pretty well defined limits. I feel like on the surface women are supposed to have satisfying sex lives, but if you dig deep enough, there are still a lot of antiquated (sp!) undercurrents. Like you are enjoying things because your body betrays you, or because you are doing something to please your partner, and lo and behold, you like it too!
For example, there are many women here on lit who freely admit to enjoying anal. But how many of them persued that route independantly? I'll bet that the vast majority were introduced to it by a partner, and found out by accident that they liked it. So on the surface, in hindsight, we can say 'yup, I'm a sexually aware woman, I love anal sex' and that's ok. But its not something that women ask for or experiement with when they are growing up (generally speaking).

Same with fisting. I really like it. And we're educated enough about it to know that with basic common sense it's not a problem. But am I going to tell my friends? NO! Why? Because I think they'll automatically assume that I have a huge pussy. Or they'll assume that my partner is too small to satisfy me. It's stupidly insane. Now that I think about it, I think that boundaries of normality are set by poorly educated and ignorant people.

 

[eudaemonia]

i used to think i was sexually abnormal. yet here i find i may even be considered a little conservative sexually.

LOL! In my ~10 months on Lit I've come to realize the same thing about myself. Actually, I kind of view it more like being "boring" compared to others here -- not so much in NT Cafe, but in some of the other forums. That said, I take yank's view that I'm pretty dispassionate about most sexual predilections.

But still, in the world outside Lit, I'm sure the fact I that think nothing of oral sex, mutual masturbation, sharing fantasties, public quickies would bring a room filled of certain types of people to a dead silence.

 

[midwestyankee]

<snip>

Now that I think about it, I think that boundaries of normality are set by poorly educated and ignorant people.

In the same manner, history is written by those who win the wars.

 

[LaDy MiSeRy]

thats quite a questin

 

[Jo_Huntz]

Anything that's safe, sane and consensual is normal.

Of course all of these words are subjective.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I always considered "normal" as something defined by the consensus opinion of a group of people, and therefore a big, fat value judgement.

Do you ever hear anyone saying, "That's so cool! That's so normal!" No, you hear, "Wow, that's NOT normal," and as far as I am concerned, value judgements are a tricky slope. I know plenty of people, here and in my offline life, who would (and do) do things I would never want to do, because I don't find it personally appealing. But do I think that makes them abnormal? No.

I am excluding of course really heinous and off the chart behavior like serial murder, child molestation, voting Republican and such.

Just for laughs I went and looked up the dictionary definition, and it's: "1. Conforming to or consisting of a pattern, process, or standard regarded as usual or typical; natural. 2. Well adjusted; wihout marked or persistent mental aberrations. 3. In chemistry, denoting a solution containing one gram equivalent to the weight of solute per liter; used as a carbon having a straight, unbranched chain of carbon atoms; 4. In mathematics, perpendicular.

So unless we're talking science or math, the words "conforming to" and "regarded as" leapt off the page at me, because any time you start talking about conforming, or how others regard something, you're entering a grey area where how others regard something may not necessarily be how you regard it, and who's to say what's right or wrong?

In days gone by, Henry Miller and Vladimir Nabokov, among others, were commonly regarded as abnormal. Not by everyone, but by the vast majority at the time. Would the vast majority say that now? I doubt it.

Forrest Gump (a movie I despise and and I think robbed the Shawshank Redemption of the Oscar that year, but that's a whole 'nother post)... anyway, as someone else observed here, to paraphrase Forest Gump comes pretty close: "Normal is as normal does."

 

[Munachi]

i am normal. everyone else is weird.

 

[Magic_Dick]

i am normal. everyone else is weird.

I was just thinking the same thing.

 

[Nightbird]

Normal when it comes to sexuality is whatever two people in privacy decide is normal between them.

Be it wearing diapers or whatever as long as the people involved are into then it's normal.

I don't have an issue with any of it as long as it isn't illegal.

 

[M's girl]

Normal when it comes to sexuality is whatever two people in privacy decide is normal between them.

Be it wearing diapers or whatever as long as the people involved are into then it's normal.

I don't have an issue with any of it as long as it isn't illegal.

Well, that goes without saying, but.....

I was asking the question because there often is a difference of that definition between two people who are in a committed relationship. Before they will establish what is normal between them it often takes a lot of talking (and fights and misunderstanding and........ ) and then still......

The sole existance (almost) of Lit's boards (How To especially) is a witness / example of that. So how do you 'bridge' your normal to your partner's 'normal' if the differences are huge. You start by talking but if that does not work, then what?

I must admit that M and I (for instance) had some pretty heavy arguments about it in the past. I wonder how other people solved their differences and if they are both fine with the endresult now.

 

[Nightbird]

M's girl all it takes is maturity and lots of communication with a mix of compromise.

Respect yourself and your partner, and it's not that big of a deal.

 

[M's girl]

M's girl all it takes is maturity and lots of communication with a mix of compromise.

Respect yourself and your partner, and it's not that big of a deal.

Well.... that sounds simple but also easier than it is.

I mean, we managed to get things 'right' but I think you can say that Lit is proof of that it does not always is that simple....

 

[Munachi]

I was just thinking the same thing.

glad to see you agree that i am the normal one here.