So what's a girl to do?

[LucytheDevil]

Give him some time and space. Grief is one of the most traumatic emotions for the human psyche. That isn't the best time to be changing your sexual situation...you should wait until he's stablized. I'm sorry to say, that could be a really long healing process.

 

[SweetHoneyGirl]

I have an opinion here and that's all it is an opinion. Simply because I have been where you are and I have gone through what you are going through. You are married to this man and you have two children. You have to consider that most men who are in-love with their wives will do almost anything to makes sure you are satisfied in the bedroom. Men have a deep rooted fear of rejection especially sexually. You've been together for a long time and up to some point the sex was enough and you were satisfied. Now, you have found your hidden desire, what you really want and crave. I think alot of it could be because he loves you, you are the mother of his children. There is a part of him that believes what he is doing hurts you or is wrong. Sometimes it's difficult for men that love us to inflict pain ~ even if it is giving us pleasure. Something inside him may feel that it's wrong or, that something is wrong with you. He may have done these things up to this point because you asked him to. I agree that stress is a major trigger for not wanting sex or intimacy or anything for that matter.

There could be deeper issues going on other then grief. He could be angry, resentful even, because all of a sudden he feels he can't please you, can't give you what you need and want. Maybe he feels he isn't good enough or man enough for you anymore? Maybe he wants his vanilla sex wife back and doesn't want change? Maybe he's afraid of his own rage, his own anger, his own desire. Did you talk to him about how dominating you felt for him emotionally? Did it trigger something inside of him that scared him? Maybe he's afraid of losing control and really hurting you? Maybe he liked it too much and it scared him?

These are just some things to think about. I know it's not easy and it's hard because once you've tasted it, admitted it to yourself you can't go back. If you try you're going to end up being the one that is resentful and angry. Before this goes any further or gets any more frustrating allow him the time he needs to heal. When he's ready ~ talk to him. Explain how you feel and that these are things you need now and that you don't think you can go back. I wish you the best with this.

 

[ganja lovers]

Mabye theres alot more going on then your aware of and sex is the last thing on his mind right now with everything going on in his life.When your under constant stress and pressure i.e work,home,health,kids,death,family,money,bills,happiness its very hard to get in that sexual mode.Sex is a great releaver when it comes to stress and tention but when someone is deeply depressed and the world feels like its going to end on the daily its hard to get into the right mindset.
Mabye it has something to do with you also?
Personally I love sex,the more freaky the better and when theres no limits thats the best sex there is but what can you really expect from someone in that condition?
If you feel like you need it that bad to the point of another man then you do what you gotta do,you have to look in the mirror and live with that.
Theres a time and place for everything and that might not be on the top of his list right now,mabye put yourself in his shoes so you have an idea of what hes going through so you have a better understanding.If you were in his position would you be stressing about sex or whats going on in your life?
Cut the guy some slack his dad just passed.Birth and death tend to put a whole new perspective on life and is a life changing experiance.Im sure hes doing the best he can under very hard conditions!

 

[Luke's Angel]

He needs time to heal. And he sounds like he's going to need a lot of help. If he's not getting that help from his surviving family members then you need to be his rock. It's that simple. If he starts to think that you are turning away from him it could crush him. I know, I lost my own father and several other family members in a short span of time. And I was having no luck getting a decent job after college. I had a friend who I thought would be there for me. She left. I was crushed. We have talked only once since that split and it was only her checking up on me after what happened in NYC seven years ago. Not a good outcome.

The financial/work situation needs to be ironed out pronto. The grief will take at least a year or two. The shock of losing a parent takes a year for most people to get through. That's assuming normal coping mechanisms such as family members to help ease the burden.

Bottom line: he's hurting and needs to heal. The dominant/submissive part has changed. He's probably a wreck emotionally for the moment even if he's not letting it show. You have to be the dominant one now in effect. He's probably afraid if he opens up to you emotionally that you'll think less of him. You have to let him know it's okay for him to let his emotions out then you have to take care of him. If he's anything like me he's been holding back his grief in an effort to show you he's still strong even though that's the last thing he should be doing right now. He's caught in a trap essentially. If he goes to you for comfort emotionally he then feels he is somehow less sexually dominant. I know, I was in a light D/S relationship with a woman and it was hard if not impossible to know how I was supposed to act emotionally in that relationship when I needed help but didn't want to let her down sexually. It was my first and only such D/S relationshop and it was something that required a lot of introspection and re-thinking of my own sexuality as well as re-thinking what I thought i knew about female sexuality. She was the submissive teaching me to be the dominant. It was awkward at first because I fundamentally misunderstood what she needed of me. Most people are pretty clueless about the power dynamics of sexual relationships. That's unfortunately pretty common it seems. But it can be worked through.

Here's the thing. If you can get him to let his guard down and seek emotional help from you then he can begin to heal. He'll get past the blockage. But you're going to be the strong one of the couple for a few months to a year. Once the problems are ironed out he can go back to being the dominant one. Ease him into it okay?

Here's a hint with the male dominant part. He needs to understand that he is your master. Not a master, but your master. But you need to get him to the point where he believes that important point. It sounds like he's only seeing the degradation or humiliation of you. He's not seeing the emotional dominance he has over you. Or more to the point he's not feeling dominant because you probably took your submissiveness too far too quickly and he's feeling a bit confused. You have to entice him more slowly. As odd as that may sound for a submissive. It takes work building a Dominant partner. This is how it happened with me.

 

[Leashed]

again thanks for the advice. im just going to try to work on us and be paitent. i just dont think i could go to someone else. i love him. i really do. i guess i have always used sex as a BIG way to make him happy. now i dont make him happy. im not really sure how to deal with that. i have never had to deal with someone so close to me going through that kind of grief. all i can do is be there for him and work on myself. maybe we'll both be better off in the end

 

[Luke's Angel]

Family and friends are key to the healing process. Your husband will go through the stages of grief but without help it will take longer. You need to give him the space to deal with the internal part of the healing process and then engage him in a positive way to move him forward. When he comes up for air , be ready with talk/activities/emotional bonding to get him actively doing positive stuff. Yes that includes sex. Which means you'd better be prepared to be the one initiating foreplay/sex for awhile. Eventually he'll be stable enough to be the Dominant again.

 

[JamieB]

This is

again thanks for the advice. im just going to try to work on us and be paitent. i just dont think i could go to someone else. i love him. i really do. i guess i have always used sex as a BIG way to make him happy. now i dont make him happy. im not really sure how to deal with that. i have never had to deal with someone so close to me going through that kind of grief. all i can do is be there for him and work on myself. maybe we'll both be better off in the end

What you wrote here is beautiful and powerful. Tell him exactly this, if you haven't already. I'm sure he knows, but it never hurts to hear it.

I am in complete support of the idea of giving him time and space. I haven't ever lost anyone that close to me, but it's not hard to imagine that it takes time and support to...heal isn't the right word, but it's close. To get back into life, I suppose.

That said, speaking as someone with a dark side, be wary if it starts to go on too long. It might at some point be up to you to make the move, to take the risk, to go to him naked, kiss him deeply as you press a hairbrush into his hand...whisper "please" and present your ass to him.

My $.02...as always worth every penny.

J

 

[FurryFury]

I think the OP is doing great also. Just wanted to throw that in. You seem pretty awesome to me!

 

[VampGirl]

I have been where you are. My husband is the same way (although he has never told me to find someone else) i think its just somthing you guys will have to just pound out of each other. Give him time. Show him adifferent side to you and see how he likes it.