Spotlight on.... VelvetDarkness.

[Quoll]

Well, this is strange. In your 3 years here, you've only said 'bloody' 67 times, however, you've used 'cunt' 70 times. Are you sure you didn't get them backwards?

Context?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well, this is strange. In your 3 years here, you've only said 'bloody' 67 times, however, you've used 'cunt' 70 times. Are you sure you didn't get them backwards?

Only you would bother to add them all up.

I suppose that here on the forums, there's less negativity attached to the word, unless I'm imagining it. It's more accepted as a slang for pussy and far less often used as an insult. I would never use the word 'cunt' in real life, except privately between Master and myself. But then, in real life, I don't openly discuss our alternative lifestyle. My public persona is very different from my persona as Master's slave or as Lit poster VelvetDarkness. As the spotlight threads are supposed to be an insight into the poster's offline persona, the answer I gave seemed the most truthful at the time.

Also, in the real world, words like 'cock' are only vaguely offensive whereas 'cunt' is one of the most offensive insults, specifically because it refers to - horror of horrors! - female genitalia. That disparity annoys the feminist in me (yes, slaves can be feminist too). On Lit, I don't see it used that way very much at all but then, I don't frequent the GB.

I use the word 'bloody' liberally in real life as it's fairly mild as expletives go. Shakespeare & Chaucer used it as an expletive so as far as I'm concerned it's a part of my linguistic heritage.

 

[silverwhisper]

velvet, what advice do you have for someone entering the BDSM world? and does it differ depending on whether they're dom/me, sub or a switch?

ed

 

[VelvetDarkness]

velvet, what advice do you have for someone entering the BDSM world? and does it differ depending on whether they're dom/me, sub or a switch?

ed

I don't think it differs very much although submissive types and those who submit some of the time are arguably more at risk than dominant kinksters. It's all about recognising and minimising risk, whether that risk be physical or psychological. Two acronyms the BDSM forum is fond of are SSC: Safe, Sane, Consensual and RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

One of the most crucial choices after deciding to get involved in kink is to be highly selective of the person you choose to experiment with. Inexperienced subs can fail to spot the warning signs that show a potential for abuse. Over-eager doms can misread signs and either get walked over or accused of performing acts that were not consented to and even assault or rape.

The best experimentation is done in the same way as any form of sexual adventurism; gradual exploration with a loving, trusted partner. People often make their first mistake by trying to dive into the deep and and try everything at once but it's a recipe for disaster. Frank communication is also vital at every step of the way. If you're too embarrassed to discuss getting fucked in the ass while the guy attacks your back with a flogger, you damn sure shouldn't be trying it out. Every session should have a clear negotiation beforehand and a debrief afterwards to discuss any mixed signals or newly discovered limits/preferences. It may make the whole thing seem a bit clinical at first but once trust is established and both/all parties know each other's inner kinkster better, there'll be proportionately less need for discussion. Do your homework. There's loads of info in the BDSM forum and particularly in the BDSM Library sticky thread. Do not try anything complicated unless you're confident at least about the theory. Also be very careful about bondage as many knots can tighten on being pulled and damage the wrists. Always have a pair of scissors to hand or some other quick-release plan.

A safeword and safe signal are also very important tools. A safeword must be a word unrelated to sex, like 'red,' that calls a halt to everything, either for a time-out and re-negotiation or a complete end of play. It means that a sub can say 'no' and mean 'yes' or express pain without the dom getting confused about what is actually being consented to. The signal is to ensure that if a sub is gagged or serving orally it is still possible to call for a time-out.

Stay true to yourself and your needs. Don't cede power that you're not comfortable with and don't let anyone tell you that a 'true submissive' would do x, y or z. All BDSM relationships are unique just as all vanilla relationships are unique. There are no rules or precedents except the ones you set for yourselves. Never allow a 'dom' to discourage you from contact with family and friends, monitor private phone-calls, emails and correspondence or otherwise impinge on your basic rights. Potential abusers are mistrustful and critical. They micro-manage to an unhealthy degree and erode your self worth with derogatory language. Setting unattainable goals is another classic sign as it allows them to berate you for 'failure' and make you feel useless. View any attempt to isolate you or interfere with your social circle and support network with suspicion. Healthy fear of displeasing or disappointing a loving dominant is a good thing that keeps the spark in kinky relationships. Nervous perfectionism and oppressive, pervasive fear that is not tempered by plenty of love and affection is psychological abuse. Moderation of behaviour by instruction, encouragement, acknowledgement of effort and mild reproof when merited is a healthy way to operate a D/s dynamic. Harsh criticism, aggression, unrealistic demands, lashing out in anger and terrorizing you into compliance is not. Keep a constant watch on a new relationship or a new dynamic that extends beyond the bedroom.

Online dating is increasingly common but for kinksters, it can be risky. A checklist is a good idea as it allows you to see if your likes/interests and limits match well with those of a prospective partner. Subs should never lose sight of the fact that they go into kink in order to meet deep seated needs of their own. A good dominant will want to ensure a sub is satisfied and happy but there are an inevitable percentage who selfishly imagine that it's all about them and that the sub's needs are incidental. Avoid people like that like the plague. Also, don't allow limits you have expressed to be pushed without your express consent, because you want to explore yourself. Some subs are too giving and accommodating, which leads to the dom taking them for granted and resentment festering as a result. Furnishing a dom with information about what you like/dislike is not an attempt to retain control or manipulate. Some subs are reticent about making their own needs and preferences clear but they are just as valid as those of the dom.

Always meet new people in a busy, public place. Arrange a safecall with a friend who knows where you will be and how long you plan to be there. Have the friend call at random intervals during the date and arrange a failsafe phrase. This is an agreed word like 'fabulous' that will alert your friend if someone tries to threaten you into saying you're fine when you're not. Agree an identifying item of clothing but choose something like a hat or scarf that you can keep concealed until you have checked out your prospective date. If they turn out to be nothing like you've been led to expect, you can leave without displaying the identifying garment. NEVER be tempted to play on the first meeting and seriously distrust anyone who tries to persuade you to. Ask plenty of questions and repeat a few questions later into the conversation. Liars are often tripped up by having to repeat detailed info unexpectedly. Be alert for discrepancies or deliberate vagueness. NEVER give your mobile phone number, address or other personal info to a new acquaintance. Get a cheap SIM card for your phone and use that number specifically for prospective online dates. That way, you can't be stalked or hounded, you can just throw the chip away. Use an anonymous email address rather than an established one that friends/family/colleagues use for you.

Right... I think that's the basics.

 

[shiny5437]

I use the word 'bloody' liberally in real life as it's fairly mild as expletives go. Shakespeare & Chaucer used it as an expletive so as far as I'm concerned it's a part of my linguistic heritage.

Bloody - bugger - arse (with an R) !

On a more serious note, why did you decide to leave nursing and was it hard to make that choice?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Bloody - bugger - arse (with an R) !

On a more serious note, why did you decide to leave nursing and was it hard to make that choice?

It was somewhat difficult but circumstances were such that my career was precarious anyway. I suffer with epilepsy and it's been less well controlled in recent years because my meds have caused kidney damage and they're trying to keep me on minimal drug doses. Perversely, I worked in a dialysis unit. I have also had the added complication of intra-cranial hypertension and Occupational Health at the NHS Trust I worked for were constantly checking up on me. I was doing 14hr duties, which didn't suit me as a good night's sleep is crucial for my wellbeing. I was rising at 5.30am to start work at 7, then leaving at 9pm and getting to bed around midnight. Although I only had to work 4 days a week, it was exhausting and made me look more of a mess than I actually was.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to work with friends and set up a business so I took it. I do miss the work but the money and the hours are just not enough compensation for the hard graft and internal politics. If the system was different, it would be a joy to work for but all we do now is firefight. Waiting lists are such that we see people only when their condition has suitably deteriorated. There's no such thing as preventative medicine and now we're in a recession, my colleagues tell me it's even less fun. Pay was increased by just 3% this year and the unions had to fight for that. Nurses are still arriving in droves from overseas. Departments are making cuts and doing the usual stealth redundancy of not filling posts once people leave them. Nurses who would have retired are still working and those who might have left to have a baby have decided against it. The staff are stretched thin, care standards fall as a result, mistakes are made, infections like MRSA and C Diff spread unchecked and who gets blamed? The nurses, not the system that is failing them at every turn. The NHS is unfortunately not viable any more because there are not enough taxpayers funding it. We have more asylum seekers and migrants than ever before, 2 generations of pensioner and millions on jobseekers and income support. We can't care for an elderly generation that got semi obliterated in 2 world wars and now the 50s kids are hitting retirement, the whole thing is going to collapse completely unless there is drastic change.

So yeah, it wasn't an easy decision but I left nursing. I can go back to it anytime and do a 3-6 month return to nursing programme to get my pin number back so it's always there.

 

[silverwhisper]

on a much less serious note: do you have a particular, favorite insult for the cerebrally less sophisticated?

ed

 

[infinity706]

Only you would bother to add them all up.

I suppose that here on the forums, there's less negativity attached to the word, unless I'm imagining it. It's more accepted as a slang for pussy and far less often used as an insult. I would never use the word 'cunt' in real life, except privately between Master and myself. But then, in real life, I don't openly discuss our alternative lifestyle. My public persona is very different from my persona as Master's slave or as Lit poster VelvetDarkness. As the spotlight threads are supposed to be an insight into the poster's offline persona, the answer I gave seemed the most truthful at the time.

Also, in the real world, words like 'cock' are only vaguely offensive whereas 'cunt' is one of the most offensive insults, specifically because it refers to - horror of horrors! - female genitalia. That disparity annoys the feminist in me (yes, slaves can be feminist too). On Lit, I don't see it used that way very much at all but then, I don't frequent the GB.

I use the word 'bloody' liberally in real life as it's fairly mild as expletives go. Shakespeare & Chaucer used it as an expletive so as far as I'm concerned it's a part of my linguistic heritage.

Add them up? You have over 6000 posts. I just used the site's search feature that Erica is always talking about. All you have to do is click on Advanced Search and it will let you search for words as well as usernames.

I think it's interesting that cunt is easily my favorite for the same reasons you dislike it, though. I just tend to focus on the power it holds more than the fact that some people are offended by it, though.

Now, as for bloody, the Brittish people I know don't even say it. The only times I've ever heard it used are in stereotypical parodies of Brittish people on tv. It's still not as funny as prego, though, which is the name of a pasta sauce here.

 

[unregistered]

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Now, as for bloody, the Brittish people I know don't even say it. The only times I've ever heard it used are in stereotypical parodies of Brittish people on tv. It's still not as funny as prego, though, which is the name of a pasta sauce here.

I've never heard a Brit use 'prego' as an expletive. What kind of ex-pats are you hanging out with?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

on a much less serious note: do you have a particular, favorite insult for the cerebrally less sophisticated?

ed

'I'd love to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my own ass.' Is one I've used before.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

1. Do you enjoy reading?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. Is there a book that you find yourself picking up time and again to re-read?

1. Yes, very much so.
2. Difficult question. I have favourite authors such as Marion Zimmer Bradley, David Eddings, Elizabeth Chadwick, Ben Elton, Roald Dahl, Christopher Brookmyer, Bill Bryson, Terry Pratchett, JRR Tolkein, Jane Austen, The Brontes... oh and J.K. Rowling. There are plenty of others.
3. Most of the book I own are ones I have read more than once. Every year I'll pick up the Harry Potter books and read them all. Books like Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice etc are ones I've read at least half a dozen times.

 

[XsnowbunnyX]

Hi Velvet! I've never spoken to you before, but I read your posts a lot (gosh, that doesn't sound creepy at all). So, I have a question!!

How did you first get into the whole BDSM lifestyle?

 

[infinity706]

I've never heard a Brit use 'prego' as an expletive. What kind of ex-pats are you hanging out with?

No, not as an expletive. It just makes me giggle more than any other 'Brittish people' word. Americans tend to use knocked up more than prego. Fanny is pretty good too, though with its dual meanings of cunt and ass. It's certainly disappointed a few Brittish women that thought American guys were generally kinkier.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Velvet! I've never spoken to you before, but I read your posts a lot (gosh, that doesn't sound creepy at all). So, I have a question!!

How did you first get into the whole BDSM lifestyle?

Well, I always knew I was submissive, before I even had clear ideas about relationships and sex. I was the little girl who rooted for the baddies in fairytales and dreamed of being abducted by her favourite singer. I had no notion of what sex was, let alone what BDSM or rape was but I found the notion that someone could love me enough to kidnap me all for themselves compelling.

I had a religious upbringing that confused me. Households were run by the man of the house and those families in the congregation with no baptised male to lead them were 'shepherded' by an appointed elder. Women obeyed their father till they married and their husband till they died. Women in my church rarely stayed in school beyond age 18 and were generally expected to be homemakers and mothers.

Despite all that, as I moved into puberty, resolved on going to university (my mother had gone and was keen that we should follow in her footsteps) and started thinking more about relationships, I decided that my submissive streak was an unhealthy result of my upbringing. I decided that it was something 'wrong' with me that needed fixing by university and embracing feminism. A few years down the line I realised that it had never gone away and that regardless of how it became a part of me, I needed to explore BDSM and see if I could find the happiness and contentment that had eluded me in my relationships thus far.

I stumbled on Lit and started reading the stories, signing up and posting on the forums came later. I advertised tentatively in BDSM Personals and nothing came of it. I left Lit for a while, only frequenting the chat room occasionally. In the chatroom, I bumped into MajorMalfunction (not his nic at the time) and the rest is as documented above.

As it happens I still believe strongly in equality for women and I don't think we're quite there yet, even in the developed west. I just also happen to believe that I should be free to conduct my private relationship with Master in a way that is conducive to my own happiness. People sometimes think that sub women are an affront to feminism but most of the women on the BDSM Boards are a free spirited, liberated bunch. There are women who get into BDSM for the wrong reasons and who stay in relationships that are less than healthy but plenty of 'vanilla' women elect to stay in bad/oppressive relationships too. That's just the way of things. As I said earlier in the thread, BDSM and power-exchange dynamics should never be an excuse or cover for abuse.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

No, not as an expletive. It just makes me giggle more than any other 'Brittish people' word. Americans tend to use knocked up more than prego. Fanny is pretty good too, though with its dual meanings of cunt and ass. It's certainly disappointed a few Brittish women that thought American guys were generally kinkier.

For the record, we Brits spell it 'preggo.'

'Prego' is Italian for 'I pray' and is used as a way of saying 'please,'

 

[Cattypuss]

For the record, we Brits spell it 'preggo.'

'Prego' is Italian for 'I pray' and is used as a way of saying 'please,'

I don't think I've ever heard "preggo". I hear "preggers" a lot though.

 

[Feral_Intelligence]

Wow, you've got your own little thread now Velvet. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? I hope you are having fun being the center of everyone's attention.

1. What is your favorite BDSM activity?
2. How often do you like to "play"?
3. What is your favorite toy?
4. Do you play video games?

 

[fire_breeze]

Thank you for answering .

If it isn't too personal, how do you and your Master express your relationship dynamic in public? Do you explain it to your family and friends? Have you ever encountered people who tried to convince you that BDSM is an excuse for abuse?

Or if that's too personal, which Muppet character do you relate to the best and why?

 

[XsnowbunnyX]

Well, I always knew I was submissive, before I even had clear ideas about relationships and sex. I was the little girl who rooted for the baddies in fairytales and dreamed of being abducted by her favourite singer. I had no notion of what sex was, let alone what BDSM or rape was but I found the notion that someone could love me enough to kidnap me all for themselves compelling.

I had a religious upbringing that confused me. Households were run by the man of the house and those families in the congregation with no baptised male to lead them were 'shepherded' by an appointed elder. Women obeyed their father till they married and their husband till they died. Women in my church rarely stayed in school beyond age 18 and were generally expected to be homemakers and mothers.

Despite all that, as I moved into puberty, resolved on going to university (my mother had gone and was keen that we should follow in her footsteps) and started thinking more about relationships, I decided that my submissive streak was an unhealthy result of my upbringing. I decided that it was something 'wrong' with me that needed fixing by university and embracing feminism. A few years down the line I realised that it had never gone away and that regardless of how it became a part of me, I needed to explore BDSM and see if I could find the happiness and contentment that had eluded me in my relationships thus far.

I stumbled on Lit and started reading the stories, signing up and posting on the forums came later. I advertised tentatively in BDSM Personals and nothing came of it. I left Lit for a while, only frequenting the chat room occasionally. In the chatroom, I bumped into MajorMalfunction (not his nic at the time) and the rest is as documented above.

As it happens I still believe strongly in equality for women and I don't think we're quite there yet, even in the developed west. I just also happen to believe that I should be free to conduct my private relationship with Master in a way that is conducive to my own happiness. People sometimes think that sub women are an affront to feminism but most of the women on the BDSM Boards are a free spirited, liberated bunch. There are women who get into BDSM for the wrong reasons and who stay in relationships that are less than healthy but plenty of 'vanilla' women elect to stay in bad/oppressive relationships too. That's just the way of things. As I said earlier in the thread, BDSM and power-exchange dynamics should never be an excuse or cover for abuse.

Aww that's so sweet!!! It sounds like you found a happy ending with MajorMalf. I'm happy for you

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Wow, you've got your own little thread now Velvet. Why didn't anyone tell me about this? I hope you are having fun being the center of everyone's attention.

Thanks

1. What is your favorite BDSM activity? Hmmm... that depends a lot on my mood but if it counts, oral service/sex.
2. How often do you like to "play"? Generally according to Master's mood. Sometimes daily, sometimes weekly.
3. What is your favorite toy? Apart from my iPhone, probably my ben wah's as I can wear them while doing other things.
4. Do you play video games? Kinda. I have a Gamecube and I love the Zelda games, including Twilight Princess. No other game has grabbed me like that. I've tried other games on Master's XBox360 but haven't got into them. I'm currently playing through 'A Link To The Past' again on my laptop and it's as good as it ever was.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

If it isn't too personal, how do you and your Master express your relationship dynamic in public?

We don't really. I don't like seeing couples necking in public and similarly, Master and I have no wish to impose our dynamic on people who have not consented to be privy to it. We're very conscious that too much subservience on my side or authoritatism (if that's a word) on his could give the impression that our relationship is abusive, which it is not. I wear a necklace bearing his initials as a sort of public 'collar.' In the UK it is not at all common to call a guy 'Sir' unless you're an obsequious shop assistant so I save that for when we have privacy too.

Do you explain it to your family and friends?

No, not more than I have to. It's apparent to people who know us that he's naturally alpha and I'm naturally beta but we leave it at that. Because I have epilepsy it's actually a handy cover as I can justify checking in with him throughout the day and the occasional random visible bruise from play can be explained without causing concern. Basically, I have no wish to know the intimate details of friends/relatives sex lives and they pay me the same courtesy. A friend did once spot my collar hanging from a bedpost and I have occasionally called him Sir or Master by accident while in the presence of others. Nobody has picked up on or enquired about a deeper connotation though, so we've left it at that.

Have you ever encountered people who tried to convince you that BDSM is an excuse for abuse?

I've encountered people who believe that I'm wilfully abused but only on sites like this one where I discuss our Master/slave dynamic graphically. I've also posted on numerous threads in BDSM Talk where a sub has been confused and concerned and posters in general have got the impression that the dynamic is unhealthy. I once saw a BDSM Personals ad here specifically seeking 'introverted women with low self esteem' and there are always those types cyber-swaggering around the fetish-friendly corners of sites like this. It's a shame because people who would like to submit can get the wrong impression about the kind of power they should and should not cede and what manner of behaviour is acceptable/healthy in a dominant partner.

Or if that's too personal, which Muppet character do you relate to the best and why?

Oscar the Grouch. He's green, hot on recycling and occasionally opens his mouth when he probably shouldn't.

 

[poete_maudit]

It was somewhat difficult but circumstances were such that my career was precarious anyway. I suffer with epilepsy and it's been less well controlled in recent years because my meds have caused kidney damage and they're trying to keep me on minimal drug doses. Perversely, I worked in a dialysis unit. I have also had the added complication of intra-cranial hypertension and Occupational Health at the NHS Trust I worked for were constantly checking up on me. I was doing 14hr duties, which didn't suit me as a good night's sleep is crucial for my wellbeing. I was rising at 5.30am to start work at 7, then leaving at 9pm and getting to bed around midnight. Although I only had to work 4 days a week, it was exhausting and made me look more of a mess than I actually was.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to work with friends and set up a business so I took it. I do miss the work but the money and the hours are just not enough compensation for the hard graft and internal politics. If the system was different, it would be a joy to work for but all we do now is firefight. Waiting lists are such that we see people only when their condition has suitably deteriorated. There's no such thing as preventative medicine and now we're in a recession, my colleagues tell me it's even less fun. Pay was increased by just 3% this year and the unions had to fight for that. Nurses are still arriving in droves from overseas. Departments are making cuts and doing the usual stealth redundancy of not filling posts once people leave them. Nurses who would have retired are still working and those who might have left to have a baby have decided against it. The staff are stretched thin, care standards fall as a result, mistakes are made, infections like MRSA and C Diff spread unchecked and who gets blamed? The nurses, not the system that is failing them at every turn. The NHS is unfortunately not viable any more because there are not enough taxpayers funding it. We have more asylum seekers and migrants than ever before, 2 generations of pensioner and millions on jobseekers and income support. We can't care for an elderly generation that got semi obliterated in 2 world wars and now the 50s kids are hitting retirement, the whole thing is going to collapse completely unless there is drastic change.

So yeah, it wasn't an easy decision but I left nursing. I can go back to it anytime and do a 3-6 month return to nursing programme to get my pin number back so it's always there.

[seriously] what are your thoughts about a solution?

all the advanced democracies that have aging populations with v. high expectations about treatments and quality of care generally seem to be in the same boat: not enough money to provide the hideously expensive advanced care we've all come to expect....

 

[infinity706]

Well, since this thread came back up, I've been wondering: Just how dominating is your master to make you look like the submissive one? Unless you're a lot different in person, you're one hell of a bad ass chick yourself.

 

[silverwhisper]

you know, i was wondering the same thing, infinity. :>

ed