angelicminx
Loving the monkey!
- Joined
- Feb 7, 2005
- Posts
- 3,490
Boxlicker101 Hi, Minxie. Sorry to be coming in so late. This is Wednesday night now.
This is the kind of story I like. It seemed a bit far-fetched but these are fantasies and we can stretch our imaginations a little.
The story is written in the present tense. It actually reads like a screenplay. I find this distracting. I don’t think present tense can work when the story is spread over that long a period.
I'm not sure how to change tense. Most everything I write is in present tense. I guess because I write what I see happening in my head, I don't know. I'll see what I can do.
You misspelled “piquing” as in “loves piquing my curiosity”, not “loves peaking my curiosity”. Spellcheck won’t catch this one.
Yeah, that was quite embarrassing... wanted to change it after it was pointed out the first time, but I held back...
This paragraph doesn’t seem to read right:
After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. The vision in her mind is making her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.
It might work better more like:
After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy, how there are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave, she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. She has a vision in her mind and it’s making her nervous. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.
Possibly there should be a paragraph at “She has a vision”
I'm planning to rework the entire scene.
You said:
Trailing lower down Brock’s torso, Michele flicks her tongue out in various places and licks him gently.
You can be much more explicit that that, especially mentioning his nipples.
Okay.
She kisses his abdomen
That sounds too clinical. Why not belly or stomach or possibly some description of him?
Okay.
Moving to lay beside him Should be Moving to lie beside him
Another embarrassing moment, lol.
The first sex scene is pretty hot although, personally, I prefer to include more detail. The second part presents a problem, however. She is pumping a dildo in and out of her ass while he is licking her clit. The upper part of his face is directly under her ass. The KY Jelly would be liquefying and running out of her onto his face, which would be very messy and unpleasant. It would work better if she is lying on her back, possibly with some pillows propping her ass up.
I've never had that problem, so I didn't think about it. I'll work on it.
I think he would have preferred having the light on also. There would be a much better view of her using the dildo than depending on the streetlight through the window. In fact, if the streetlight were that bright, they would have done something to block it.
The light outside my window is that bright. It seems to soften a lot of flaws that an overhead light makes glaringly obvious. I suppose I could write in a table lamp and kill two birds with one stone.
You said:
Brock puts his hand on Michele’s, stopping her from picking up a pair, “No panties!”
“But Brock!”
He wags his finger at her and chides, “Uh, uh, uh… No arguments!”
Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh. What the hell have I gotten
If he prevented her from picking up the panties, she couldn’t have dropped them.
<Blushing>Good point.
When they went to the bar, did they drink anything?
Thanks.
How short was that dress anyhow? Bending over to shoot pool, I can see how her ass would have been exposed but was it so short she would be hanging out on the dance floor also? If Brock were pulling the dress up, that would do it.
Actually, it's implied (not very well, I know) that the men groping her ass actually lifted it.
She doesn’t realize that the bottoms of her cheeks are hanging out.
This doesn't seem like a very erotic choice of words. Maybe it's the words "hanging out". It might be better to sasy something more like "She doesn't realize that her ass is fully in the view of everybody behind her."
I like that.
I find it strange the neighbors would be up that late on a Thursday night. I also wonder about Michelle streaking them. Since she probably sees them every day, this might have been overdoing it.
You don't know me, lol. I'm up until the wee hours of the morning most nights. Over done. That's the problem I have with it.
When they pick up a stranger at the bar and he fucks Michelle, I can’t believe they wouldn’t use a condom. I know it would cut down on the fun but even so, I can’t believe they would do something that risky. OK, I read to the end but I still don’t believe that Michelle wouldn’t have insisted on a condom. She didn’t know Joe.
I'll be adding details or explanations to avoid the use of a condom for this particular man. I don't know how yet, but I will.
I liked the second sex scene. I tend to use a little more detail but I might overdo it.
<blushing again> I'm not sure HOW to add more detail. I guess I'll look at the scenes again and think of something.
“Thanks,” he says. “Maybe we can do this again sometime.”
This should have been a separate paragraph.
Okay.
Brock had Joe waiting for them in the bar. How could he have been so sure that Michelle would be willing to go along with the idea and that she would be willing to start the weekend on Thursday night?
Knows Michele inside out, upside down, front and back. There is no doubt.
I suppose Joe would call in sick the next day also.
He just might... I don't know yet, lol. Though he wouldn't have to, he's still very young and can deal with late nights much better.
Speaking of that, they still have Friday, Saturday and Sunday ahead of them. What do they do for an encore? This seems like starting a meal with a bushel basket of salad. You wouldn’t have any room for the entrée.
He wanted to start the weekend with her most desired fantasy and work from there. If she calls it quits, she calls it quits. (But she won't, lol.)
The characters are clear enough except for Joe, who seems to be too much of a stereotype. He is not that important a character anyhow.
To me, the story was believable enough for fantasy, except for some things I pointed out.
The story flowed allright except that I had problems with the present tense.
All in all, I enjoyed the story. What category would it go into? Loving Wives? For a title, how about “Sex Slave for a Weekend”?
That I don't know yet. I think I'm going to run with "Unleashed" though.
This is the kind of story I like. It seemed a bit far-fetched but these are fantasies and we can stretch our imaginations a little.
The story is written in the present tense. It actually reads like a screenplay. I find this distracting. I don’t think present tense can work when the story is spread over that long a period.
I'm not sure how to change tense. Most everything I write is in present tense. I guess because I write what I see happening in my head, I don't know. I'll see what I can do.
You misspelled “piquing” as in “loves piquing my curiosity”, not “loves peaking my curiosity”. Spellcheck won’t catch this one.
Yeah, that was quite embarrassing... wanted to change it after it was pointed out the first time, but I held back...
This paragraph doesn’t seem to read right:
After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy. There are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. The vision in her mind is making her nervous, however. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.
It might work better more like:
After dinner, Brock turns on the television. They curl up together on the sofa, Michele’s head in Brock’s lap. Michele can’t shake the questions from her mind. She remembers telling him about her sex slave fantasy, how there are so many things that she wants to try, but can’t make herself do them on her own. In the role of slave, she thinks she’d be able to let go of her inhibitions, in order to please him. She has a vision in her mind and it’s making her nervous. She is on her knees, naked except for a collar, sometimes even a leash. Her hands are behind her back. She looks upward. Waiting, wanting. The vision makes Michele squirm more than once. Each time she does, Brock smiles a little more, though he declines to acknowledge her movements with so much as a glance.
Possibly there should be a paragraph at “She has a vision”
I'm planning to rework the entire scene.
You said:
Trailing lower down Brock’s torso, Michele flicks her tongue out in various places and licks him gently.
You can be much more explicit that that, especially mentioning his nipples.
Okay. She kisses his abdomen
That sounds too clinical. Why not belly or stomach or possibly some description of him?
Okay.
Moving to lay beside him Should be Moving to lie beside him
Another embarrassing moment, lol. The first sex scene is pretty hot although, personally, I prefer to include more detail. The second part presents a problem, however. She is pumping a dildo in and out of her ass while he is licking her clit. The upper part of his face is directly under her ass. The KY Jelly would be liquefying and running out of her onto his face, which would be very messy and unpleasant. It would work better if she is lying on her back, possibly with some pillows propping her ass up.
I've never had that problem, so I didn't think about it. I'll work on it.
I think he would have preferred having the light on also. There would be a much better view of her using the dildo than depending on the streetlight through the window. In fact, if the streetlight were that bright, they would have done something to block it.
The light outside my window is that bright. It seems to soften a lot of flaws that an overhead light makes glaringly obvious. I suppose I could write in a table lamp and kill two birds with one stone.
You said:
Brock puts his hand on Michele’s, stopping her from picking up a pair, “No panties!”
“But Brock!”
He wags his finger at her and chides, “Uh, uh, uh… No arguments!”
Michele drops the panties with a heaving sigh. What the hell have I gotten
If he prevented her from picking up the panties, she couldn’t have dropped them.
<Blushing>Good point.
When they went to the bar, did they drink anything?
Thanks.
How short was that dress anyhow? Bending over to shoot pool, I can see how her ass would have been exposed but was it so short she would be hanging out on the dance floor also? If Brock were pulling the dress up, that would do it.
Actually, it's implied (not very well, I know) that the men groping her ass actually lifted it.
She doesn’t realize that the bottoms of her cheeks are hanging out.
This doesn't seem like a very erotic choice of words. Maybe it's the words "hanging out". It might be better to sasy something more like "She doesn't realize that her ass is fully in the view of everybody behind her."
I like that.
I find it strange the neighbors would be up that late on a Thursday night. I also wonder about Michelle streaking them. Since she probably sees them every day, this might have been overdoing it.
You don't know me, lol. I'm up until the wee hours of the morning most nights. Over done. That's the problem I have with it.
When they pick up a stranger at the bar and he fucks Michelle, I can’t believe they wouldn’t use a condom. I know it would cut down on the fun but even so, I can’t believe they would do something that risky. OK, I read to the end but I still don’t believe that Michelle wouldn’t have insisted on a condom. She didn’t know Joe.
I'll be adding details or explanations to avoid the use of a condom for this particular man. I don't know how yet, but I will.
I liked the second sex scene. I tend to use a little more detail but I might overdo it.
<blushing again> I'm not sure HOW to add more detail. I guess I'll look at the scenes again and think of something.
“Thanks,” he says. “Maybe we can do this again sometime.”
This should have been a separate paragraph.
Okay.
Brock had Joe waiting for them in the bar. How could he have been so sure that Michelle would be willing to go along with the idea and that she would be willing to start the weekend on Thursday night?
Knows Michele inside out, upside down, front and back. There is no doubt.
I suppose Joe would call in sick the next day also.
He just might... I don't know yet, lol. Though he wouldn't have to, he's still very young and can deal with late nights much better. Speaking of that, they still have Friday, Saturday and Sunday ahead of them. What do they do for an encore? This seems like starting a meal with a bushel basket of salad. You wouldn’t have any room for the entrée.
He wanted to start the weekend with her most desired fantasy and work from there. If she calls it quits, she calls it quits. (But she won't, lol.)
The characters are clear enough except for Joe, who seems to be too much of a stereotype. He is not that important a character anyhow.
To me, the story was believable enough for fantasy, except for some things I pointed out.
The story flowed allright except that I had problems with the present tense.
All in all, I enjoyed the story. What category would it go into? Loving Wives? For a title, how about “Sex Slave for a Weekend”?
That I don't know yet. I think I'm going to run with "Unleashed" though.
