Story Discussion Black Tulip 4-10-2005 "Egyptian Dreams"

[Black Tulip]

...
Jahi shook his head as he noticed a slim figure climbing the steps to the top tier of the temple where he stood. Sanura, 'kitten' in English. Might be a better way to incorporate this information. He allowed himself a small smile because she was so aptly named; Sanura, in English, meant ‘kitten’ (maybe?). With her black hair and green eyes she looked like the human embodiment of the elegant temple cats, and just as wayward...

You're not the only one. LOL

His stern voice made her stop short of the top step and she bowed her head. Her arms folded around her waist, as if she needed to hold herself against his anger. His stern voice made her stop short of the top step. She bowed her head, her arms folded around her waist, as if she needed to hold herself against his anger. He knew he had been harsh with her on a number of occasions, but he had his reasons. In his mind he recited the justification, he had his reasons. Unless I missed a crucial point, I would suggest removing the first “he had his reasons”

The repetition is deliberate. I want him to use the phrase as a kind of mantra to keep himself in check.

Although the door shut out the sun, the hall was lighted(lit) from small holes above it, providing fresh air as well as illumination. Looking around, Sanura decided to light the oil lamps to give her a clearer sight. (I know what you mean by “to give her a clearer sight”, but I think it needs to be reworded.)

I agree, but at the time I couldn't come up with a proper alternative.

Sanura studied Bes for a long time. Trying to take in all that he symbolized, striving to use all the senses. Somehow she came back to touch, every time she tried to think of smell or hearing or any other sense. (I’m not sure about this sentence, I’ve read it 3 or 4 times and it just doesn’t flow.)

This sentence has been trouble from the first, but I do not feel I can lose it. *sigh*
I guess I have another round of wrestling ahead of me.

The second image represented Sameref, the high priestess. Sanura absorbed the image of the slim woman, her dark hair unbound, clad in a thin dress that did nothing to disguise her body. It only enhanced her small, perky breasts and soft, smooth mound. The thought that she herself could become that woman was faintly disturbing, but it did nothing to dispel the effect Bes had on her.

Now I am utterly confused. In my language I have to use a comma in front of "but" but my editor has been on my case that I have to drop them unless the sentence after but is an addition and then the comma has to go behind "but".

Can somebody please clarify!

With a sigh, Sanura stepped to the next panel. The high priestess would have to wait for a while. She knew it was supposed to symbolize the connection between humans and gods. It reflected her own task after all. Aiding in communicating with the gods. She merely wished it could be done in a less revealing dress. I’m confused here. Sanura has stepped to the next panel, it’s suppose to symbolize the connection between humans and gods? After rereading it several times, I believe that Sanura is thinking of the previous panel. Right? I’d suggest rephrasing the whole paragraph if the intention is that the second panel, of the high priestess, symbolizes the connection between humans and gods. That point isn’t clear, you could mean that the third panel does, except for the next paragraph. Combining this paragraph with the prior paragraph would be an excellent way to go, ending with the statement of the high priestess having to wait, the sigh and stepping to the next panel.

I can see where your confusion is coming from and it should be easy to remedy.

Next was Osiris, the ultimate pharaoh. Just like his sister facing to the right, the god was seated on a carved throne, carrying the symbols of his rulership. On his head the double crown of Upper and Lower Egypt. Do you mean that Osiris is Isis’s brother? If so, how could he be seated on a carved throne “just like his sister” when his sister is kneeling? Clarification and expansion is my suggestion

The phrase just like his sister is only linked to the fact they are both facing to the right. I'll reword it.

Minx,

I have not responded to all your comments, because most of your editorials will be taken care of when I start editing and rephrasing.

I'm glad with your suggestions about combining sentences. They are a great help.
As for the descriptions of the cards. LOL
You noticed already that you're about the only one who thinks it's not too much.

I don't want to drop them completely because all of them will play a part in the story, but perhaps I can space them out a bit more evenly.

So far I have had Sanura studying the cards and given the descriptions up front. I think I will gloss over the images and focus on her dreams/visions first and have her study the cards in detail afterwards. That way I think I can stick to describing the cards that play an actual part in the chapter.

Thanks for your efforts. Much appreciated.

 

[Penelope Street]

Damn! Now what am I to do? You're confusing the issue here. Seriously though, I think I will try to avoid full descriptions of all 22 cards. I mean, in chapter three I came as far as number 18.

I think skim over the cards, identifying only the subject, if that, unless the reader needs to know more, such as about Bes. Supply details later as needed either in subsequent visits, conversations, dreams, etc. This was called Egyptian Dreams, right?

Now I am utterly confused. In my language I have to use a comma in front of "but" but my editor has been on my case that I have to drop them unless the sentence after but is an addition and then the comma has to go behind "but".
Can somebody please clarify!

I use the choppiness of fragments to break a rhythm and I liked the way you used them within this piece. As for commas, putting one after the 'but' seems goofy to me, but what do I know? I readily confess I don't know all the rules for commas and those I do know, I'm not religious about following. I just use a comma where I want the reader to pause. Simple as that; if I think the sentence flows better with one, then it gets one, if not it doesn't. This also depends on the voice of the narrator, and the intended audience. I consider erotic readers to be a casual lot, and thus I wouldn't worry too much about the 'rules'- just know them enough to break them is my motto.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[Boxlicker101]

Hi, BT,
I read the post from Angelicminx and here are my takes on some of the things she said and your responses:


Quote:
Although the door shut out the sun, the hall was lighted(lit) from small holes above it, providing fresh air as well as illumination. Looking around, Sanura decided to light the oil lamps to give her a clearer sight. (I know what you mean by “to give her a clearer sight”, but I think it needs to be reworded.)

I agree, but at the time I couldn't come up with a proper alternative.

How about "to give her a clearer view"? Or, reword the sentence to "....so she could see the paintings more clearly"?

Quote:
Sanura studied Bes for a long time. Trying to take in all that he symbolized, striving to use all the senses. Somehow she came back to touch, every time she tried to think of smell or hearing or any other sense. (I’m not sure about this sentence, I’ve read it 3 or 4 times and it just doesn’t flow.)


This sentence has been trouble from the first, but I do not feel I can lose it. *sigh*
I guess I have another round of wrestling ahead of me.

How about something like: "Somehow, seemingly against her will, she came back to touch...." This would emphasize that she couldn't help thinking of what his cock would feel like. I notice that you didn't mention her sense of taste.


Quote:
The second image represented Sameref, the high priestess. Sanura absorbed the image of the slim woman, her dark hair unbound, clad in a thin dress that did nothing to disguise her body. It only enhanced her small, perky breasts and soft, smooth mound. The thought that she herself could become that woman was faintly disturbing, but it did nothing to dispel the effect Bes had on her.


Now I am utterly confused. In my language I have to use a comma in front of "but" but my editor has been on my case that I have to drop them unless the sentence after but is an addition and then the comma has to go behind "but".

Can somebody please clarify!

There are some set rules about commas but sometimes their use is by choice for the purpose of clarifying. This is an example; the comma isn't wrong but it also isn't required.

Minx,

I have not responded to all your comments, because most of your editorials will be taken care of when I start editing and rephrasing.

I'm glad with your suggestions about combining sentences. They are a great help.
As for the descriptions of the cards. LOL
You noticed already that you're about the only one who thinks it's not too much.

I don't want to drop them completely because all of them will play a part in the story, but perhaps I can space them out a bit more evenly.

So far I have had Sanura studying the cards and given the descriptions up front. I think I will gloss over the images and focus on her dreams/visions first and have her study the cards in detail afterwards. That way I think I can stick to describing the cards that play an actual part in the chapter.

I also didn't think the descriptions of the other paintings was excessive. There are seven paragraphs but you indicated that two of them will be combined. I don't think this is excessive, especially since there will be references back to them in future chapters. There are actually 444 words in these paragraphs, including 124 about Sameref. The part about her is important because Sanura will be in her position. Besides that, you are establishing a certain sense of modesty which contrasts with her rather wanton behaviour the next day. There are also 18 words comparing the priest's clothing with that of Bes.

 

[Black Tulip]

Thanks guys,

Your thinking along is very valuable.

Box,

I hope you don't mind, (sic!) but I will use your reworded phrases.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Thanks guys,

Your thinking along is very valuable.

Box,

I hope you don't mind, (sic!) but I will use your reworded phrases.

Of course I don't mind. If I minded, I wouldn't be making suggestions.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The thought that she herself could become that woman was faintly disturbing, but it did nothing to dispel the effect Bes had on her.

I use the choppiness of fragments to break a rhythm and I liked the way you used them within this piece. As for commas, putting one after the 'but' seems goofy to me, but what do I know? I readily confess I don't know all the rules for commas and those I do know, I'm not religious about following. I just use a comma where I want the reader to pause. Simple as that; if I think the sentence flows better with one, then it gets one, if not it doesn't.

Your comma is in the right place. When used with a conjunction, the comma always precedes the conjunction.

To write "...was faintly disturbing but, it did nothing..." is just dead wrong.

---dr.M.

 

[Boxlicker101]

The thought that she herself could become that woman was faintly disturbing, but it did nothing to dispel the effect Bes had on her.



Your comma is in the right place. When used with a conjunction, the comma always precedes the conjunction.

To write "...was faintly disturbing but, it did nothing..." is just dead wrong.

---dr.M.

Penny, you have the right idea about commas. There are some places where they are needed such as words in a series and to set off quotes but otherwise, just put them where yo think they should be. In the subject question, a comma is not incorrect but you don't really need it.