Simon, read this piece, but not the posted story(s). I want to give it a little time to register, first impression - I think the whole is better than the sum of the parts, possibly it's extraneous characters/detail in the back third who add little to an engrosing tale already delightfully fragmented through the descriptions of the exhibits. I'll come back after further thought and reading.
Story discussion: January 28th 2007 "Pictures from an Exhibition: Ben" by SimonBrooke
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SimonBrooke
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Summary of the summary of the summary...
The questions I asked back at the beginning of this were:
(1) Is it sexy?
On the whole this seems to be a qualified yes; pleasantly warm, perhaps, but not hot hot hot. Verdad and Ella probably rate it higher.
(2) Did the pieces work?
The answer seems to be 'in a way'. Pennelope Street says 'I love the flavor the descriptions add', and I think that probably goes for other people. Ella certainly seems to have found the idea sexy
and both she and Verdad thought illustrations would help. The CAD illustration I posted wasn't found sexy, though (I didn't really expect it to be)
(3) Did the name misdirection cue work, and was the extra twin a distraction?
Nobody seems to have really picked up whole names thing, but no-one seems to have found it in the way. No-one felt the extra twin was superfluous.
(4) Did you believe Ben was shagging one or more of the girls?
This seems to be mostly yes. Penelope felt the clues were too obvious, but on the other hand Ella says she missed it.
So, thank you, everyone who has taken part - and, Neon, I'm looking forward to your response...
A final question. This clearly isn't a 'mainstream' Literotica story. Should I post it to Lit, and if so, in which category? If not, where should I submit it?
The questions I asked back at the beginning of this were:
(1) Is it sexy?
On the whole this seems to be a qualified yes; pleasantly warm, perhaps, but not hot hot hot. Verdad and Ella probably rate it higher.
(2) Did the pieces work?
The answer seems to be 'in a way'. Pennelope Street says 'I love the flavor the descriptions add', and I think that probably goes for other people. Ella certainly seems to have found the idea sexy
and both she and Verdad thought illustrations would help. The CAD illustration I posted wasn't found sexy, though (I didn't really expect it to be)(3) Did the name misdirection cue work, and was the extra twin a distraction?
Nobody seems to have really picked up whole names thing, but no-one seems to have found it in the way. No-one felt the extra twin was superfluous.
(4) Did you believe Ben was shagging one or more of the girls?
This seems to be mostly yes. Penelope felt the clues were too obvious, but on the other hand Ella says she missed it.
So, thank you, everyone who has taken part - and, Neon, I'm looking forward to your response...
A final question. This clearly isn't a 'mainstream' Literotica story. Should I post it to Lit, and if so, in which category? If not, where should I submit it?
Simon,
I found this story compelling reading. Its format is unusual, but that doesn’t distract from enjoying the unravelling of the story. It is erotic, though devoid of sexual action. It is simultaneously sexually explicit without resorting to coyness in describing the furniture, it function or the manner of use. The ‘technical descriptions’ (for want of a better phrase) compliment rather than detract from the flow of the story IMHO.
I’ve read this piece three times, each time it has ‘stirred me’.
The ‘gag’ distracted, but not unduly. I might not have noticed it had you not raised the subject, then I go looking for it – I can take it or leave it.
Did I get the impression Sheila thought Ben had had sex with her daughters?
Well someone clearly did! Sheila included. I’m not sure that it matters who.
Back to my comment on first reading. The story builds through to a climax, as it should, and you ask me to suspend belief and accept that Sheila does not recognise her daughters splayed across the furniture. Well… I can almost do that, and if I wanted to read this for an erotic thrill, it would work at that level. And the reason (for me) that it can be taken at that simple level of ‘thrill’ is the story is sufficiently broken, on a first read, that I’m as distracted as Sheila in setting up the show and managing the opening, wondering what the hell the punters are going to think, and how they are going to react.
But… but, Sheila hasn’t seen the show. Not till the very end; and when I read it a second and a third time, this is where it begins to fall apart, for me.
My problem is that I work with artists and galleries, so don’t allow my reaction to distract you over much, but I don’t know of any curator – essentially that is Sheila’s function – who wouldn’t have arranged this show meticulously before ever allowing a member of the public through the door. And that includes ‘the models’. It is hardly fair to criticise this largely excellent story from the technical aspect of how an exhibition is curated, but the way Sheila executes this exhibition is disingenuous and distracts from my overall enjoyment of the piece.
The Mother/Ben, Mother/Daughters and Daughters/Ben relationships are crucial, I gather, from your question (4). Might I ask, why all the extraneous characters who actually interfere (for me) with the main thrust of your story? Ok, I understand you need to infer by reference to Ben’s ‘darker side’ but I’m not sure you need Annabelle and Grahame, Rhodri, Fiona Fraser, the pink flushed girl from the Red Red Rose painting, and the woman in the red dress, in order to point up the eroticism stemming from instructing Sheila to assemble this show.
It is asking a lot, given the clues you provide, for Sheila not to make the link between Obi Wan, Ben, the Daughters, the furniture, and their prior engagement. You try to disguise this by having Grahame ‘spring’ the live show on Sheila at virtually the last moment, but it stretches credulity (for me), so why not force Sheila to need to suspend her suspicion her daughters are the models, she’s hardly likely kick up a fuss on opening night – they are all presumably ‘over the age limit’. She obviously wants to ‘try’ some of the furniture, with Annabelle or Ben’s assistance; perhaps she’s jealous the daughters beat her to it?
Regardless of my personal quibbles, this is a great story idea with the potential to be an erotic classic. Good luck with it.
Will.
I found this story compelling reading. Its format is unusual, but that doesn’t distract from enjoying the unravelling of the story. It is erotic, though devoid of sexual action. It is simultaneously sexually explicit without resorting to coyness in describing the furniture, it function or the manner of use. The ‘technical descriptions’ (for want of a better phrase) compliment rather than detract from the flow of the story IMHO.
I’ve read this piece three times, each time it has ‘stirred me’.
The ‘gag’ distracted, but not unduly. I might not have noticed it had you not raised the subject, then I go looking for it – I can take it or leave it.
Did I get the impression Sheila thought Ben had had sex with her daughters?
Well someone clearly did! Sheila included. I’m not sure that it matters who.
Back to my comment on first reading. The story builds through to a climax, as it should, and you ask me to suspend belief and accept that Sheila does not recognise her daughters splayed across the furniture. Well… I can almost do that, and if I wanted to read this for an erotic thrill, it would work at that level. And the reason (for me) that it can be taken at that simple level of ‘thrill’ is the story is sufficiently broken, on a first read, that I’m as distracted as Sheila in setting up the show and managing the opening, wondering what the hell the punters are going to think, and how they are going to react.
But… but, Sheila hasn’t seen the show. Not till the very end; and when I read it a second and a third time, this is where it begins to fall apart, for me.
My problem is that I work with artists and galleries, so don’t allow my reaction to distract you over much, but I don’t know of any curator – essentially that is Sheila’s function – who wouldn’t have arranged this show meticulously before ever allowing a member of the public through the door. And that includes ‘the models’. It is hardly fair to criticise this largely excellent story from the technical aspect of how an exhibition is curated, but the way Sheila executes this exhibition is disingenuous and distracts from my overall enjoyment of the piece.
The Mother/Ben, Mother/Daughters and Daughters/Ben relationships are crucial, I gather, from your question (4). Might I ask, why all the extraneous characters who actually interfere (for me) with the main thrust of your story? Ok, I understand you need to infer by reference to Ben’s ‘darker side’ but I’m not sure you need Annabelle and Grahame, Rhodri, Fiona Fraser, the pink flushed girl from the Red Red Rose painting, and the woman in the red dress, in order to point up the eroticism stemming from instructing Sheila to assemble this show.
It is asking a lot, given the clues you provide, for Sheila not to make the link between Obi Wan, Ben, the Daughters, the furniture, and their prior engagement. You try to disguise this by having Grahame ‘spring’ the live show on Sheila at virtually the last moment, but it stretches credulity (for me), so why not force Sheila to need to suspend her suspicion her daughters are the models, she’s hardly likely kick up a fuss on opening night – they are all presumably ‘over the age limit’. She obviously wants to ‘try’ some of the furniture, with Annabelle or Ben’s assistance; perhaps she’s jealous the daughters beat her to it?
Regardless of my personal quibbles, this is a great story idea with the potential to be an erotic classic. Good luck with it.
Will.
Penelope Street
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If Sheila is convinced her daughters are elsewhere, then I'm willing to believe she might not notice them beneath all the stockings, paint, and dye- but I think it could also work if the story ends when Sheila looks at one of the girls and barely sees a tattoo's outline through the white.
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