Story sent back

[Bazzle]

Does that first paragraph sound Ai like vague? I'm thinking of the "wholesaler of speciality products"?

Could he be a wholesaler of lefthanded screwdrivers? Something non Ai generic?

Is the hair sun-bleached or is she going grey already?

 

[Devinter]

Sure. Here it is.

I woke up surprisingly early that morning, anxious about my plans for the future. Today was the day I’d start my new career. My dad was an importer and wholesaler of specialty products with branch offices throughout several states, and I planned to follow in his footsteps. While most of my friends had spent years preparing for college, I’d spent years studying Dad’s business model and even making suggestions on increasing revenue and lowering operating costs. It had been a week since high school graduation, and while most of my friends were thinking about college, I was thinking about starting my career as assistant vice president of Davenport Importers, Inc.

I stared at my reflection in my bathroom mirror as I brushed my long brown hair, realizing again how it was lightening with each passing day. I wondered how I would look with it cut short to reflect my new image of a businesswoman, but then I thought, nah, I’d probably hate it.

I made my way down the stairs, craving my morning cup of coffee and anxious about my first day of work. But as I approached the kitchen, I heard something that had become all too familiar recently—my parents were arguing.

It does read a little bit "corporate" to be honest. Kind of stale. However, I have to say that it fits the character. It's written in first-person from a business-minded individual so therefore it makes sense that she might look at the world in a rather rigid way.

It's important that you keep your writing style - and that your own unique approach to the art shines through the words - so I would not change it up just to make it sound "less AI". That would be changing your approach to writing not because of constructive criticism or wanting to go in a new direction, but rather just to try to sound different for the sake of some faulty tool. No, I think it's wiser that you follow the suggestions given above. First and foremost, I would suggest you just resubmit it unchanged with a note to the administrator that you have not used any AI software, and see if they'll take a second look.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

It does read a little bit "corporate" to be honest. Kind of stale. However, I have to say that it fits the character. It's written in first-person from a business-minded individual so therefore it makes sense that she might look at the world in a rather rigid way.

It's important that you keep your writing style - and that your own unique approach to the art shines through the words - so I would not change it up just to make it sound "less AI". That would be changing your approach to writing not because of constructive criticism or wanting to go in a new direction, but rather just to try to sound different for the sake of some faulty tool. No, I think it's wiser that you follow the suggestions given above. First and foremost, I would suggest you just resubmit it unchanged with a note to the administrator that you have not used any AI software, and see if they'll take a second look.

I'm going to disagree with @Devinter here just a bit. While having a style is important, it shouldn't be set in stone. It's my opinion that your style should evolve, it should morph and change to fit the story, or as you get more experience.

In this specific case, look at your style and see if there are tweaks that you can make to add more flair, more color, more emotion. When I read your snippet, i hear "I did this. I did this. I did this." over and over again. It works. It tells the story, but it lacks variety and for me, looses my interest. It, again, is my opinion that this may be where you are getting tagged as AI.

@Devinter is right that a personal style is important, but i think if you change up the sentence structure a little, especially in the last two paragraphs, it might pass the AI check, and your style will be the beneficiary. How to do that? Well, you're a writer, and a decent one from what I've read here. You've got this.

 

[Plathfan]

In this specific case, look at your style and see if there are tweaks that you can make to add more flair, more color, more emotion. When I read your snippet, i hear "I did this. I did this. I did this." over and over again. It works. It tells the story, but it lacks variety and for me, looses my interest. It, again, is my opinion that this may be where you are getting tagged as AI.

These "faults" only show it's human writing. She should stick to her own style, not yours. Whether you like it isn’t the point. There's nothing AI about it; just another middle-aged woman noticing her age in the mirror.

We shouldn't try to force a justification for a wrong flag.

 

[Plathfan]

But as I approached the kitchen, I heard something that had become all too familiar recently—my parents were arguing

Wait! A businesswoman is still living with her parents?

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

We shouldn't try to force a justification for a wrong flag.

No, but we can offer constructive comments that might help get around it.

It's a fact that her writing got flagged. It's a fact that there is an algorithm in place that is making that determination. Algorithms are usually consistent in their behavior(Its a computer program).

We can only control what we can control. So we either adapt(humans have been doing that for a very long time. I think some guy named Darwin wrote a book about it), or we continue to get flagged by the algorithm.

The observations I made are nothing more than an opinion intended to help. It's also my opinion, as I stated, that your style should grow and change with you. I don't write anything like I did in high school, or even like I did five years ago when I started publishing here. I think my stories are much better for it. And you know what, they all still have my own unique style.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Wait! A businesswoman is still living with her parents?

...While most of my friends had spent years preparing for college, I’d spent years studying Dad’s business model and even making suggestions on increasing revenue and lowering operating costs. It had been a week since high school graduation, and while most of my friends were thinking about college, I was thinking about starting my career as assistant vice president of Davenport Importers, Inc....

It might help to read what you're commenting on.

 

[Plathfan]

No, but we can offer constructive comments that might help get around it.

It's a fact that her writing got flagged. It's a fact that there is an algorithm in place that is making that determination. Algorithms are usually consistent in their behavior(Its a computer program).

We can only control what we can control. So we either adapt(humans have been doing that for a very long time. I think some guy named Darwin wrote a book about it), or we continue to get flagged by the algorithm.

The observations I made are nothing more than an opinion intended to help. It's also my opinion, as I stated, that your style should grow and change with you. I don't write anything like I did in high school, or even like I did five years ago when I started publishing here. I think my stories are much better for it. And you know what, they all still have my own unique style.

I haven’t read any of your stories, nor do I plan to, but I’ll read hers when it’s up. I’d rather have authentic content than perfect style.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

I haven’t read any of your stories, nor do I plan to, but I’ll read hers when it’s up. I’d rather have authentic content than perfect style.

No worries. My stories aren't for everyone. I'd love to read some of yours.

 

[StillStunned]

These "faults" only show it's human writing. She should stick to her own style, not yours. Whether you like it isn’t the point. There's nothing AI about it; just another middle-aged woman noticing her age in the mirror.

We shouldn't try to force a justification for a wrong flag.

If someone comes here asking for advice, they'd be daft not to listen. If their style is getting their stories rejected, then perhaps learning from someone else's style could get them past the gate.

To me, it's pretty flat. It's weighted heavily towards the exposition side, which is fairly typical of the examples of AI writing I've seen. There's not much in those opening paragraphs to draw the reader in. It's a summary of facts that the reader doesn't need to know before getting to know the character as a person. Again, very reminiscent of AI writing.

Granted, things could change right away in the next paragraph, but as presented here I can see why it's been flagged.

Also, if I were teaching fiction writing and this came across my desk, I'd send it back and tell the student to try it again.

 

[StillStunned]

I haven’t read any of your stories, nor do I plan to, but I’ll read hers when it’s up. I’d rather have authentic content than perfect style.

Could you explain how authentic content is incompatible with perfect style? And how do you get "authentic content" from the snippet the OP posted?

 

[Bazzle]

From what I've read about AI writing it's generic and no heart.

There is a lot of predictable sentences.

To make it human what and why needs to be answered.

What is special imports... and why is hair lightening?

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

And the ultimate irony... I ran the story snippet through Phrasly.Ai and got this:

 

[StillStunned]

And the ultimate irony... I ran the story snippet through Phrasly.Ai and got this:

View attachment 2426251

"How do you do, fellow human writers?"

 

[MillieDynamite]

I'm going to stay mute on this. I'll refrain from giving my opinion. Let me not say this about that.

I don't trust AI, but the one thing it does know is another AI or something that sounds like another AI to it. AI learns to write from reading human writing, so naturally, some of us will sound AIish at times.

Well, damn it, hell, I gave my opinion.

 

[VivianFoxx]

Maybe this sounds better:

I stood in front of the mirror in my robe, brushing out my long brown hair, anxious about my new job. Today was my first official day as assistant vice president of Davenport Industries, Inc., my dad’s company, which he built from the ground up. Although I had only recently turned eighteen and graduated high school a little over two weeks ago, I felt I was ready for the challenge. Dad had spent years preparing me for this day, and I wanted to make him proud of me.

As I descended the stairs, I heard the sound of something that had become all too familiar recently—Mom and Dad were arguing again.

“Thomas, they’re a family of rednecks, for Christ’s sake. What were you thinking when you invited them here? Just think about what this will do to our reputation in the community!”

“Helen, they’re family. He’s my brother, for crying out loud. They’ve lost their home and almost everything they own. And besides, they’ll only be here for a couple of weeks at the most.”

I walked into the kitchen, and my parents didn’t say good morning to me or even acknowledge me. My dad stood with one foot resting on a kitchen chair, giving my mother the evil eye, his face beet-red. Mother sat at the table, her hair disheveled, her face cupped in her hands.

 

[StillStunned]

I'm going to stay mute on this. I'll refrain from giving my opinion. Let me not say this about that.

I don't trust AI, but the one thing it does know is another AI or something that sounds like another AI to it. AI learns to write from reading human writing, so naturally, some of us will sound AIish at times.

Well, damn it, hell, I gave my opinion.

Inconsistent and illogical behaviour. 83% likely to be human.

 

[MillieDynamite]

And just so you know, @StillStunned agreeing with me is a dangerous proposition at the best of times.

I was agreeing with you. But since you volunteered, Corporate wants a 25-slide PPT presentation by tomorrow morning.

 

[Plathfan]

And the ultimate irony... I ran the story snippet through Phrasly.Ai and got this:

View attachment 2426251

Someone put their blood, sweat, and tears into something, only to get rejected by this shit, and you think it’s hilarious? What are you?

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Someone put their blood, sweat, and tears into something, only to get rejected by this shit, and you think it’s hilarious? What are you?

You don't see the irony in the AI tool offering to 'Humanize' the text? I mean, you did see the big red circle I put around the big blue button, right?
Things like that tend to indicate the emphasis of the subject when displaying graphics.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Even if I write like a machine (or worse, the Machine*) I'm still human.

*Reference to Person of Interest

 

[MillieDynamite]

Why, yes, yes, I did. I got it!

You don't see the irony in the AI tool offering to 'Humanize' the text? I mean, you did see the big red circle I put around the big blue button, right?

 

[StillStunned]

Maybe this sounds better:

Much better. By adding dialogue early on, you bring the scene to life.

That said, this bit doesn't work:

I stood in front of the mirror in my robe, brushing out my long brown hair, anxious about my new job. Today was my first official day as assistant vice president of Davenport Industries, Inc., my dad’s company, which he built from the ground up. Although I had only recently turned eighteen and graduated high school a little over two weeks ago, I felt I was ready for the challenge. Dad had spent years preparing me for this day, and I wanted to make him proud of me.

As I descended the stairs, I heard the sound of something that had become all too familiar recently—Mom and Dad were arguing again.

The narrator is standing in front of the mirror, but without anything happening she's descending the stairs. Skip the mirror. It's something of a cliché, going back at least to the Gothic period, that a character looking at themselves in the mirror is reflecting. I get that you want to describe your character to the reader sooner rather than later, but this feels a bit clumsy.

Skip straight to the stairs. Place a mirror on the wall as she descends, if you really need to. Or let her catch a glimpse of her reflection in the shiny surface of a kitchen cabinet. But get as close to the action as you can for the start of your story.

 

[StillStunned]

Actually, @VivianFoxx, let us know if you're not comfortable with this level of scrutiny of your text. You've unwittingly started an argument between AH regulars, and you and your writing skills are caught in the crossfire. Feel free to tell us to back off.

 

[ShelbyDawn57]

Why, yes, yes, I did. I got it!

Once again, you're blowing the curve.

(for those in the cheap seats, this is a reference to the smartest person in the class scoring so high on a test that it negates any curve the professor may apply to bring lower grades up.)