Struggling with my feelings and marriage..

[Stella_Omega]

The guy isn't a cunt. Cunts are awesome things, and he isn't awesome.

Anyway, OP, I really hope you didn't waste your time reading that claptrap or take it to heart. A lot of men have been reading these evolutionary psychology books that soothe their little-boy egos and tell them that fairytales are real.

But the Mighty Aurochs and Woolly Mammoth were never a staple of paleolithic diet, and most hunting was little bunnies and porcupines and possums, and eggs stolen out of birds nests when the birds were away. Just as is true now, in any hunting society.

I hope you are doing well.

 

[Yttac93]

The guy isn't a cunt. Cunts are awesome things, and he isn't awesome.

Anyway, OP, I really hope you didn't waste your time reading that claptrap or take it to heart. A lot of men have been reading these books that soothe their little-boy egos and tell them that fairytales are real.

I hope you are doing well.

This exactly!

Hope you're safe and doing okay.

 

[KoPilot]

nonsense

Wee-ooo wee-ooo, jilted MRA alert. Feel free to completely disregard.

 

[njlauren]

This has got to be one of the guys who haunt the loving wives category.

Thank you, Stella! You hit the nail on the head what I was thinking, what a load of misogynistic twaddle! Sounds like the Fox News version of blaming everything on feminism, I loved the opening line where marriage counselors and therapists are biased and cannot see due to 'political' considerations (damn liberals, all they want to do is destroy 'traditional family values'), I am surprised they didn't end it telling her to read the bible and what Jesus wanted out of husbands and wives....I love the 'female materialistic brain', that was a classic as well....*gag*

 

[njlauren]

??? Why would this comment make you tune me out?

I think it's a pretty reasonable assumption that sexism is a big part of what's going on in this relationship. When she says stuff like "he's not my equal," criticizes his manliness, his intelligence, etc, and implies pretty clearly that just being a decent nice guy, loving her and worshipping the ground she walks on, etc, is not enough, he just doesn't measure up to her new standards of success ... What do you make of that? Sounds like she's regarding him as a success object. In fact, sounds like classic sexism.

As much as we'd like to be idealists, the fact is, sexism is rampant in our society. Portrayals of men as success objects are not only commonplace in fiction, film, TV, etc, they're almost universal, and in my experience, many women do in fact buy into it.

So, sorry, but I stand by my statement. This sounds like sexism to me.

As for projecting, I think if you reread my statement and reread some of the other responses in this thread, you'll find that I'm projecting a lot less than most others.



Where on Earth would you get that idea? My outlook is purely scientific. The only approaches to the study of human relations that I put stock any stock in are stuff like primatology, ethology, evolutionary psych, etc.

I am not an adherent of any kind of religion, political correctness, mysticism, or other forms of irrationality.

The reason I say she has no control over her fate is that, as I stated repeatedly, her behavior is stereotyped. It isn't the planets or some mystical force that controls her fate. It's her own preprogrammed behavior. She'll behave in the same manner as millions of other women in her situation. The human female psyche is based on very simple principles and there's little room for variation.

Indeed, even she can't alter her own behavior. Part of her may even want to feel differently, but she can't.

I can even tell her exactly how she'll feel, what she'll do, and what the outcome is. I've told many other women such things over the years.

What you are saying is nothing more then the old predestination bullshit that the Calvinists preached laid onto it with pseudo scientific drivel that I would expect to find in books by people who go on Fox News.

Human beings are primates and we do have instincts and such that are based in evolution, there are reasons why a woman with big hips or boobs is more attractive then a thin one, but the materialistic female brain is a projection, it isn't science. While the nature versus nurture debate still rages, what you say is dead wrong because human beings of all higher species are not bound by our genetics or instincts all that much, we are complex because of our brains and intelligence and the interaction between nature and nuture is a lot more complex then even what is seen among other primates, you can't make assumptions like that and claim them as science, there is no backing for that. People fall in love for all kinds of reasons, for example, and sometimes it is not the right one, people can fall in love with someone because they need a mommy figure and they latch onto a strong woman, then find out it doesn't work, it is very, very complex and your statements that she fell in love with her husband for a reason may be true, but the reasons could have changed or the original reason could have been the wrong ones.

The only basis for your writing is pure misogyny, it is the assumption that women are a bunch of materialistic bimbos out to snag a man to support them, and then when a better ship comes along, they jump it and that is idiotic. Are there women like that? Yep, and there are also men who when they can dump their wives when they can get their hands on a pretty trophy wife once their current ones get too old, my son went to a private school full of young moms with dads who looked like grandfathers, go figure..does that mean all men are narcissistic pigs who will dump their wives the first chance they get once she gets older?

 

[njlauren]

Indeed. Nor is it identical to what your friend went through, or your ex, or anybody else. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."



...says the guy who claims to be able to read a stranger's subconscious mind based only on a few forum posts. You're the one asserting that getting better jobs makes women discontent; that means you get the burden of proof in showing that the data bears no other interpretation.



Yep. Time pressures are another.



Mind throwing me a cite for those claims? (Journal article or equivalent, please; I've worked in research long enough to know that journalists are quite prone to misinterpreting scientists.)



Oh yes. I've met several guys who had really strong convictions about How Women Work. Generally they thought that every woman in the world conformed to a simple stereotype in their head, and they got real antsy when anybody challenged it.

Actually, studies have shown that men getting into higher paying/higher status jobs doesn't necessarily make them any happier, and that dovetails with what social scientists have been saying for years. In jobs, pay can never be a positive, a shitty job that pays well is still a shitty job and the person in it isn't going to be happier because it pays more, at best money is a neutral. Studies of high income men versus men who are comfortable don't show much more happiness, and in fact, take a look at the lives of the really well off, CEO's, high level executives and so forth, and you see things that don't indicate happy people, you see all kinds of crap, drugs, divorces, you name it....

And women with high paying careers are often unhappy because of the pressures they face doing so. Within the corporate world (and I am not speaking theoretically, have been working in high level managerial positions for a number of years) they still face the idea that they got ahead by sleeping with the boss or otherwise didn't deserve it, or find their ideas overlooked and then stolen by male colleagues where it is given credit. More importantly, working women also face the pressure of their home life, because they still are expected to be the prime caregiver and keeper of the house and such, and trying to do so working a 60 or 70 hour week. There is also the additional strain that women are not unlikely to have surpassed their mate in earnings, and that causes strains because a lot of men cannot handle that, either.

It is interesting that he castigated the OP but only sees the good of the mate, but it sounds to me like the husband had abrogated his responsibilities and was depending on her like a child or something, rather then being an active part of the household, not keeping up his end of the bargain. I am not going to argue that getting into this marriage was a smart thing to do, but there is an old expression that a marriage is made up of two people sharing a life together, and it doesn't sound like that is what is going on here, it sounds like hubby just laid back and basically died in terms of being a partner....obviously we don't know the whole story, but even if the OP is exaggerating a bit or seeing things through colored lenses, there is enough there to raise warning bells to me. BTW, intellectual compatibility is as important as sexual compatibility,and one of the things about being a partner in a relationship is trying to show interest in what the other person is. I talk to my spouse about things she is interested in that may not necessarily interest me, but I'll talk about them because she likes my feedback and I enjoy giving it, from whatever I know about it.

 

[Netzach]

Where on Earth would you get that idea? My outlook is purely scientific. The only approaches to the study of human relations that I put stock any stock in are stuff like primatology, ethology, evolutionary psych, etc.

I am not an adherent of any kind of religion, political correctness, mysticism, or other forms of irrationality.

The reason I say she has no control over her fate is that, as I stated repeatedly, her behavior is stereotyped. It isn't the planets or some mystical force that controls her fate. It's her own preprogrammed behavior. She'll behave in the same manner as millions of other women in her situation. The human female psyche is based on very simple principles and there's little room for variation.

Indeed, even she can't alter her own behavior. Part of her may even want to feel differently, but she can't.

I can even tell her exactly how she'll feel, what she'll do, and what the outcome is. I've told many other women such things over the years.

Oh this is hysterical.

Let me guess. PUA, nlp, you can pick up any woman in a bar and you'll teach how.

You seem to be a very sexual person. It's wonderful that you and I can experience what it's like to connect deeply and quickly (point to yourself)

I bet you are SO MUCH FUN at parties. You think that you've won at life when some drunk off her ass girl with an IQ of 4 drops panties.

 

[Netzach]

The reason we're in the digital age has to do with the apes who stood up on their hind legs to avoid flood or get food, not the asshole apes who insisted we do it the old way, the right way. They're either dead or still eating leaves and very endangered.

IE that big adaptable brain that copes with CHANGE. Try it on, son.

 

[njlauren]

The reason we're in the digital age has to do with the apes who stood up on their hind legs to avoid flood or get food, not the asshole apes who insisted we do it the old way, the right way. They're either dead or still eating leaves and very endangered.

IE that big adaptable brain that copes with CHANGE. Try it on, son.

Nicely put, Netzach

One additional point about happiness, directly refuting what our friend posted, money and status don't make men or women happy, they were citing a recent study on an NPR program about it, and basically what made people happy were being respected and liked, they found that once you got beyond having enough money for your needs happiness had little to do with making 50k or 5 million, it is about feeling like there are people who like and respect you. Put it this way, I have met some well off people, including some pretty famous ones, and a lot of them struck me as being unhappy, miserable people trying to hide it, and the well off people I met who seemed happy were ones who didn't seem to care about the money and status and simply enjoyed life and people. Being a retired gear head, I once met a guy who had made a lot of money on wall street who had a car collection that would make anyone's head spin, and the guy got a joy, not out of the cars being worth a lot (not all were, he also loved humble cars, too), but from being able to wash and wax them, work on them and enjoy them like a kid with his collection of matchbox cars, and he was one of the nicest, most down to earth guys you could sit and have a beer with and tell tall tales about cars:")

 

[ua322]

i married him because he does genuinely worship the ground i walk on, he truly loves me more than anyone ever has, he is just so nice, genuinely nice to everyone.

i think that niceness is part of the issue now.

Wow, this guy is really being shat upon. While I certainly understand you being honest about your feelings now, it would seem that you're the erratic one and I feel bad for this guy because he seems to have been the mature person in the relationship.

 

[Noor]

Wow, this guy is really being shat upon. While I certainly understand you being honest about your feelings now, it would seem that you're the erratic one and I feel bad for this guy because he seems to have been the mature person in the relationship.

I have a friend who married someone they weren't sexually into because they were very nice, worshipped the ground they walked on and didn't want to hurt their feelings. They may have been rebounding and feeling imaginary family pressure too.

 

[Helen1954]

I've had intense bondage/rape fantasies since I was 11 years old. I was extremely fortunate to marry a man who is completely compatible with my fantasies and desires, althought we didn't find that out right away.

I'm 58 now and we're still going strong. Had my husband been vanilla I think I can say that it would have caused problems in my marriage. I believe fantasies of this type represent a fairly intense compulsion that have to be accomodated in some way.

Good luck in what you decide to do hon, I don't envy you your decision.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Wow, this guy is really being shat upon. While I certainly understand you being honest about your feelings now, it would seem that you're the erratic one and I feel bad for this guy because he seems to have been the mature person in the relationship.

You're projecting. We all do it, but we can all try to do it less.

 

[Mr Wolf]

Yashin

Have you spoken to him about what you want? If you don't know its broke you can't fix it...just my two pennies worth.

Good luck in what ever path you chose.