Stupid (but sincere) Questions about the USA

[seela]

Time for a bump!

I've ran into a mention a few times now, on Twitter, on TV etc., about how a mother-to-be or a father-to-be doesn't want their own family or partner's family in the delivery room when their baby is being born. That has always been a source of drama, because the sister, mother, whoever feels like they should be there and are upset when they're not wanted.

Is this a common thing? All the mentions I've seen have been from the US, except for one Twitter mention where the country wasn't specified. Does this happen in other countries?

As far as I know, here only the parents are in the delivery room and single moms often choose a friend, a sister or mom to be there with them. But I've never heard that there would be any larger group there, like a family or in-laws.

 

[Creamcupcake]

Time for a bump!

I've ran into a mention a few times now, on Twitter, on TV etc., about how a mother-to-be or a father-to-be doesn't want their own family or partner's family in the delivery room when their baby is being born. That has always been a source of drama, because the sister, mother, whoever feels like they should be there and are upset when they're not wanted.

Is this a common thing? All the mentions I've seen have been from the US, except for one Twitter mention where the country wasn't specified. Does this happen in other countries?

As far as I know, here only the parents are in the delivery room and single moms often choose a friend, a sister or mom to be there with them. But I've never heard that there would be any larger group there, like a family or in-laws.

For this (outside of the current COVID regulations), it varies by state AND by hospital. Most hospitals in Maryland, and in North Carolina will allow up to 10 people in the delivery room so long as everything is going smoothly with mom & baby. The hospital where I delivered my daughter allowed you to have up to 25 people in the delivery room. Once things start to get more complicated (or in the instance of higher risk pregnancies) that number starts to come down to just 1 or 2 people in the delivery room. Some hospitals also make all except for 1 or 2 people leave once it's time to push, some allow everyone to stay and watch.

These groups can include anyone that the parents put on their list, and usually do include the new grandparents, sister/brother in-laws, close friends, etc. And yes, when someone does not make it on the list, who feels they should be, it causes issues, and some people can not let those things go, and hold a grudge over not being allowed in the room for *YEARS* after.

The nurses are 1000% behind whatever the mom wants though, within the limits of hospital policy. For me, I did not want a whole room full of family hovering while I was in labor, so Hubby was the *ONLY* person allowed to visit me at the hospital, during labor and in the 2 days stay afterwards. Any other person calling to check on me, or trying to visit was immediately turned away. My son is 4 and my mother-in-law still thinks I "robbed" her of precious time with my son. *eye roll*

But I have seen the complete opposite- when I was delivering my daughter, there was a "Push Party" down the hall with 25 women (friends, sisters, in-laws, etc), with a matching men's party in the lobby. The Push Party had balloons and those party blowers and confetti and everything. The men even had candy cigars.

 

[seela]

But is it more of a norm that there are many people in the delivery room besides the parents to be? Is it generally considered unusual if only the parents are in the delivery room and no other friends/relatives?

I find this really interesting, because in the US kids seeing their parents naked is such a no-no (or so I've gathered) but being present when a baby is born is apparently considered business as usual.

I've never had a baby, but I don't think I'd want a large group of family members present. It feels too intimate an experience to have an audience for. But at the same time, I see my parents naked and they see me naked on the regular and that's no biggie.

 

[Jada59]

Time for a bump!

I've ran into a mention a few times now, on Twitter, on TV etc., about how a mother-to-be or a father-to-be doesn't want their own family or partner's family in the delivery room when their baby is being born. That has always been a source of drama, because the sister, mother, whoever feels like they should be there and are upset when they're not wanted.

Is this a common thing? All the mentions I've seen have been from the US, except for one Twitter mention where the country wasn't specified. Does this happen in other countries?

As far as I know, here only the parents are in the delivery room and single moms often choose a friend, a sister or mom to be there with them. But I've never heard that there would be any larger group there, like a family or in-laws.

I had my mom and my husband. Good thing because my husband passed out and my mom had to help with the delivery.

 

[wicked woman]

I'm in Canada, versus the US, but I'm not aware that we differ as far as your question goes.

I don't know anyone who had more than the father of the child in the actual delivery room. It would definitely be considered unusual to have a party there.

There may be others in the waiting room, but mostly not.

 

[Whiskeyjack]

For our first two kids, my wife's mother and I were both in the delivery room during the births. Our third kid was by c-section, though, so only I was allowed in the room with her. My wife's sisters were in the waiting area each time, but most extended family and friends stayed away until we brought the baby home.

 

[TheShez]

Generally in Australia it's only the father.

 

[midwestyankee]

This sounds like a relatively new phenomenon. When my children were born, it wasn't even universal that the father would be present in the delivery room. I chose to do so. To be fair, that was three decades ago and I'm not current on these matters.

 

[Bramblethorn]

For this (outside of the current COVID regulations), it varies by state AND by hospital. Most hospitals in Maryland, and in North Carolina will allow up to 10 people in the delivery room so long as everything is going smoothly with mom & baby. The hospital where I delivered my daughter allowed you to have up to 25 people in the delivery room.

I've been to concerts that were less well attended than that!

 

[StrongMaster7]

Cultural?

The idea of having more than the father (or a surrogate) in the delivery room is not unheard-of, but in my experience (I'm 60.) it is very, very rare.

The few times I've heard of it have been with regard to the mother's mother, or the mother's sister. I have never heard of a Western hospital that would allow 25 people in the delivery room. Seems unsanitary to me.

It was 30 years ago, but I recall being made to wear a surgical gown, gloves, and hat to cut the cord on our first child.

This could be a cultural thing. I am ignorant of many non-Western cultures. Perhaps the family or village participates in some cultures?

 

[Acktion]

MMmm. Seems like when I have heard of such, it's been a midwife delivery as opposed to a white-jacketed menace.

But, hey, I'm old enough that I had no clue that "netflix and chill" was a booty call until just a couple of days ago. So, maybe things have changed since then.

Having said that... Oh, fuck! The tales I could tell of someone getting their nipple in a wringer for being left out if anyone else is allowed in! And, it doesn't matter if it's supposed to be someone else's day or not, it's all about "me! Me! Me! Me!"

I am completely unaware of this being a real deal actually in the delivery room (although I've seen some pretty major drama happen in the waiting rooms as I sat over in the corner with my tub of popcorn).

But, having been a sometime writer in my checkered, misspent past (or trying to be), I know that a lot of times in screenplays we tend to take dramatic license and alter scenes that would never occur in real-life situations (such as thirty family members squeezing into a delivery room until the medical team doesn't have room to stand much less move) in order to facilitate a more immediate by-play that in real life would occur in seven or eight different rooms and across hours instead of five of thirty minutes.

 

[seela]

Thank you!

So maybe not so common after all.

I've seen this discussed on Twitter several times, specifically how to not be pressured into letting XYZ people in the delivery room. And I've also seen a mention of this on TV at least twice. I don't remember what show the first time was on, but the second mention was in a preview of some sort of reality show where a woman told her sisters(? I guess they were her sisters) that her husband doesn't want them or their parents in the delivery room and their reaction was similar to what Creamcupcake mentioned, "I can't believe you're not letting us greet the new member of our family right away, you're being selfish" etc. I realize, TV is TV, but ever since seeing that the phenomenon has been on my radar and I have seen this being discussed on Twitter since.

Here's one instance, actually a very recent one I hadn't noticed before: https://twitter.com/AITA_reddit/status/1292883300848144384?s=09

I scrolled through some comments and nobody seemed to be surprised that parents want to be in the delivery room. To me that alone seems odd*, regardless of how the parents have behaves in past (which is the issue there).

*seems odd to me because it's not at all common here, not because it would be very odd in the grand scheme of things - it takes a village and all I suppose.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Hospitals often like the father to be present during deliveries because it gives the mother-to-be somebody to blame and swear at in place of the doctors and nurses.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Here's one instance, actually a very recent one I hadn't noticed before: https://twitter.com/AITA_reddit/status/1292883300848144384?s=09

Ha, I just KNEW this had to be AITA.

 

[Creamcupcake]

MMmm. Seems like when I have heard of such, it's been a midwife delivery as opposed to a white-jacketed menace.

This may be the case. The hospital I delivered my daughter at had mostly midwives/nurses, and the OB was specifically for c-sections. It just happened to also be the only hospital within 40 miles.

 

[twister947]

Are we the only vertebrates that do this?

 

[ultramarineblue]

I've never had kids but I can't imagine having anyone other than the father of the child or a mom or sister or extremely close friend there. That is such an intimate moment. I'm going to have to go scroll reddit aita to read about that kind of situation.

 

[seela]

Ha, I just KNEW this had to be AITA.

Of course. Another good source is @redditships.

 

[Goldenfinger]

More.

If you take the terrorist, who steals bomb parts from a shop, injures the shop owner, brings the bomb parts to another state and who plans to kill the president, then you have 6 parallel investigations - yet they all focus on different aspects.

This doesn’t usually happen. In this case the state usually just lets the feds have the person.

 

[Goldenfinger]

My favorite topic, tipping!

You'd never believe I can actually count beyond 10 if you saw me trying to figure out tipping. In any country. But tipping in the US seems so much more important than elsewhere.

So. Do you *just know* how much you're supposed to tip? Or do you have to think about it every time and do some mental gymnastics to first figure out how much is appropriate and then figure out how much that appropriate amount is in dollars? (That would be my experience, btw.) Do your parents/someone else teach you how to tip when you grow up or do you just magically learn it? Are there situations where you wouldn't tip even though it's expected? When you look at prices in a restaurant for example, do you automatically see what the real price, including tax and tip, is?

Are you all really good at math because of tipping?

It used to be that many restaurants workers worked for a low minimum wage and then got tips. In many states they have gotten rid of this. So now in places the make 15$ an hour and once they deliver the food you never see them again.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Are we the only vertebrates that do this?

I believe elephants gather around when one of the herd is giving birth, though as far as I know they don't usually start drama about it on Reddit.

 

[seela]

It used to be that many restaurants workers worked for a low minimum wage and then got tips. In many states they have gotten rid of this. So now in places the make 15$ an hour and once they deliver the food you never see them again.

This is so odd to me. I've heard this comment from Americans before and I always wonder why they need the waiter so much.

So... Why do you have to see a waiter after they've delivered the food and drinks?

Sure, sometimes you need a refill on your drink or have a complaint about your order or something. But at least to me most of the time I eat at a restaurant neither of those things happen. And when I need a waiter, I'll just ask for one. Not by using words per se, but with eye contact and such. It's rarely a problem. Besides, how likely is it that the waiter is there that exact moment when you need something?

In my (not extensive) experience of eating out in the US, the key points that differ from what I'm used to where I live are that in the US the waiters rattle out a loooong list of specials and recommendations even if you don't ask for them, there's the added pressure of having to figure out the tipping and they bring you the check even without asking.

Here you ask for the check, they don't just bring it to you. Which I much prefer, btw, because I feel such pressure to leave the place in the US the moment the check arrives. It feels to me like they're just wanting me to rush out of the door and not stay a moment extra, even in places that aren't remotely busy. I get that they they want to roll the table so that they can earn another tip, but still. Is 5-10 minutes or enough time to finish your drink too much to ask for? There have been times when I've finished my plate and still had a third of my beer left. They've brought the check and my panic reaction has basically forced me to chug the rest of the beer.

The service itself is about the same here and there. It's not as bubbly and chatty here, but the waiters swing by your table a while after bringing you your plate to ask if everything is OK with the food, they'll ask if you want another drink or dessert etc.

Maybe my expectations are super low and I'm used to shitty service, but I really don't see that big a difference in the service between here and where I've eaten in the US. Here tipping is not done at all, except by tourists.

 

[seela]

I believe elephants gather around when one of the herd is giving birth, though as far as I know they don't usually start drama about it on Reddit.

Which is truly a great loss. I'd love to read elephant drama.

 

[Goldenfinger]

This is so odd to me. I've heard this comment from Americans before and I always wonder why they need the waiter so much.

So... Why do you have to see a waiter after they've delivered the food and drinks?

Sure, sometimes you need a refill on your drink or have a complaint about your order or something. But at least to me most of the time I eat at a restaurant neither of those things happen. And when I need a waiter, I'll just ask for one. Not by using words per se, but with eye contact and such. It's rarely a problem. Besides, how likely is it that the waiter is there that exact moment when you need something?

In my (not extensive) experience of eating out in the US, the key points that differ from what I'm used to where I live are that in the US the waiters rattle out a loooong list of specials and recommendations even if you don't ask for them, there's the added pressure of having to figure out the tipping and they bring you the check even without asking.

Here you ask for the check, they don't just bring it to you. Which I much prefer, btw, because I feel such pressure to leave the place in the US the moment the check arrives. It feels to me like they're just wanting me to rush out of the door and not stay a moment extra, even in places that aren't remotely busy. I get that they they want to roll the table so that they can earn another tip, but still. Is 5-10 minutes or enough time to finish your drink too much to ask for? There have been times when I've finished my plate and still had a third of my beer left. They've brought the check and my panic reaction has basically forced me to chug the rest of the beer.

The service itself is about the same here and there. It's not as bubbly and chatty here, but the waiters swing by your table a while after bringing you your plate to ask if everything is OK with the food, they'll ask if you want another drink or dessert etc.

Maybe my expectations are super low and I'm used to shitty service, but I really don't see that big a difference in the service between here and where I've eaten in the US. Here tipping is not done at all, except by tourists.

I would have to say, since I know that I am going to tip them I guess I expect more than them just dropping off my food. It is kinda odd because I tip 1$ per drink at the bar and don’t expect anything. When I lived in a state that someone pumped your gas I’d tip them 2$.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I would have to say, since I know that I am going to tip them I guess I expect more than them just dropping off my food.

I'm with seela on this. "Just dropping off my food" is pretty much everything I want from a waiter. I don't want them feeling they have to hover and fawn on me for tips; I'd much rather the restaurant paid them a living wage and set prices at a level that supports that.

(Also, tipping culture is a great way to perpetuate pay discrimination that would be outright illegal if achieved by other means.)