sub talk
- Thread starter Shadowsdream
- Start date
graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2004
- Posts
- 27,579
shy slave said:Bump
Just re-read this thread, and there are lots of interesting takes on this.
In my original reply, I never spoke about discussing anything with him.
I also mentioned a friend who was a medium had told me my ex was dangerous. I mistakenly took that to be due to the BDSM stuff. I was wrong. He was dangerous to my emotional well-being and I can see now that it was an abusive relationship. At the time it did not seem that way, but it was. He stopped talking to me about a month after I posted on here.
An update
A year on and I still talk to dolf about all things D/s. We still sit in cafes and giggle about ropes, chains, pain, shoes, handbags, men, cake and just about everything else. We have laughed and cried together (ok, I cried), not spoken for ages then when we re-meet its like it was just yesterday.
Online I talk to Gracie and a sub girlfriend who lives locally.
I have learnt to be be more open in one sense and more closed in another.
I am much more open about who I am and what I need in life with vanilla friends who ask. Listen in to any girl conversation, they do ask even without knowing what they are asking!!
I am more closed with some sub friends. I have realised that whilst its great to talk and giggle on a lighter level, anything else such as difficulties, queries or concerns may become more public than I had thought.
To give an example: I have a close friend who is a submissive, she attends the local munches. We have talked about many things but some things I have hesitated about; I know a great deal about the sex lives of some of the other people in the munch because she has told me 'in confidence.' So she is great to lift a low mood but secrets have a way of becoming open.
Over the past 12 months I have changed as a slave. I feel I have come a long way in my submission.
I continue to learn from people here and my views on things are more fluid than they were.
Andante and I discuss just about everything. Regarding difficulties I tend to read about it here, gather my thoughts, often in a somewhat messy manner, discuss them with Andante and discuss them with dolf or gracie. Then I come back here and read again
Andante has made me understand its ok to be open and talk about issues, nothing bad will happen from being honest.
But he does not replace girlfriends.
There is much to be gained from laughing, having fun, serious discussion and tears whether its online or in r/l with girls who have been there, heading there or done it twice over.
*huggles*
Doms are human?
No, they're vegetables.
serijules
just seri
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2002
- Posts
- 1,941
I was gone for awhile but well...not Im not. I think.
Anyhow...early on in my relationship with D, and all previous relationships, having other sub and Dom friends to talk to was very important to me. I needed it...I couldn't function without that outlet. I was not always comfortable going to my partner with things because I didn't trust my own feelings or instincts and needed to get support from others before I found that confidence. More often than not, I inadvertently let others into our private life together by being more open about every single issue or thought or problem I had, and as a result, limited my communication skills with D from growing and strengthening.
I'm a very passionate, emotional person, something I am usually proud of. At times it does cause me to over-react though, and many times talking to friends about something that is bothering me helps me put it in a different perspective that can help prevent hurt and frustration. Sometimes going directly to D with a problem before I have had a chance to get other peoples' input causes a strain between us because I tend to sound more defensive, more accusatory, etc, the first time I talk about something, rather than after I've had awhile to think on it and talk it out. So that is a positive side to talking to others about issues and problems and worries; you get different perspectives and can rearrange your thoughts so the REAL issues come out when you bring them to your Dom, rather than the emotional reactions, which almost ALWAYS dominant and sometimes distract from the real issue at hand.
That being said....
D is a very private person. You will rarely see her post, go into chatrooms, have a blog, etc. It's just not her nature and never will be. She prefers to keep our problems, our issues, etc, between us. In contrast, I am very open and "out there", I have various blogs, I write detailed stories about real life scenes, I post my opinions and thoughts. For a long time after becoming Hers, this bothered me (and still does), because I wasn't sure if I should censor myself, tone it down, be more private. Especially since there are others in her life that may find it hard to read about certain things. Part of me feels like they have the ability to walk away from it and not read it if such things upset them...another part of me wants to respect their feelings by censoring my words. It's a constant struggle for me. The person that D met and thought "I must have her" was the open, articulate, not-so-private Seri. When I remember that, it's a little easier for me to not feel as if I should hold back. Yet...all relationships are two-way streets, and everyone has to make adjustments so the relationship remains stable and joyful. My adjustment has been to be more respectful and conscious of privacy, and to treasure the things that only her and I share a bit more by keeping them between us.
I think I've come to a pretty good balance now, but it's still something I keep in mind every time I post or write or talk to a mutual friend.
D's other sub and I are close friends, but the slight jealousy and wariness is always lingering there when we are all together and we are both forced to share. It's normal and human and it doesn't bother me because I know it's a normal reaction based on our relationship dynamics. Sometimes I want to talk to her about problems and issues I am having because she is older, wiser, much more experienced, been with D much longer than I have and interacts with her more than I do since they live in the same city. She's been long distance with her in the past, like I am now. She's a switch, so understands both sides of the relationship. She's a wealth of knowledge and advice, and many times I would go to her with something that I was just not ready or able to go to D with because I needed to put my thoughts in order first and make sure what I thought I was feeling really WAS what I was feeling. Yet, on the other hand, I felt like I was betraying D's privacy by letting C in on details that she may not otherwise be privvy to, and that was something I really could not get out of my mind. So I no longer go to C (or anyone!) with problems unless they are rather minor or not-so-private, something that is not related specifically to D but just an issue in general, or an issue with other friends, etc. I feel much better with that arrangement and still develop my friendship with C and learn from her without "putting her in the middle" of D and I, thus respecting everyone involved.
In the process of becoming a slave, I have learned that my thoughts and feelings belong to D, entirely and unedited. She often tells me its not WHAT I say, but how I say it. I am learning to understand that and respect it a lot more than I was able to in the beginning. It is much easier for me now to take time to myself to think things out and then approach D with them to discuss them. I still have to work hard to make sure that I'm not letting feelings and reactions get in the way and overpower the true issue, but I have learned to "think like a slave" so to speak and act accordingly. It is a huge relief for me, and while I still have a ways to go to perfect my communication skills when it comes to feelings, I really feel I am finally on the right path on this one.
As I've grown in the scene, I've become less open and less out there with some of my problems and issues and thoughts because I have a matured understanding of how my words affect those I am involved with, including myself! Friendships and the availability to talk to others about things is something I think every relationship needs, but is much healthier once you have established healthy communication with the main focus in your life, which is hopefully your partner. If there is a problem that you cannot go to your Dom/me with and you choose to take that problem public on a message board or even to another friend first, that IS a sign of problems and should be taken seriously and looked at together. IMO, talking to friends or getting advice from friends and even strangers is an ok, but it is usually much more productive and respectful of your relationship to take issues to your partner, even if it is the HARDER thing to do. Sometimes the hardest things to do end up being also the best.
My two cents
Anyhow...early on in my relationship with D, and all previous relationships, having other sub and Dom friends to talk to was very important to me. I needed it...I couldn't function without that outlet. I was not always comfortable going to my partner with things because I didn't trust my own feelings or instincts and needed to get support from others before I found that confidence. More often than not, I inadvertently let others into our private life together by being more open about every single issue or thought or problem I had, and as a result, limited my communication skills with D from growing and strengthening.
I'm a very passionate, emotional person, something I am usually proud of. At times it does cause me to over-react though, and many times talking to friends about something that is bothering me helps me put it in a different perspective that can help prevent hurt and frustration. Sometimes going directly to D with a problem before I have had a chance to get other peoples' input causes a strain between us because I tend to sound more defensive, more accusatory, etc, the first time I talk about something, rather than after I've had awhile to think on it and talk it out. So that is a positive side to talking to others about issues and problems and worries; you get different perspectives and can rearrange your thoughts so the REAL issues come out when you bring them to your Dom, rather than the emotional reactions, which almost ALWAYS dominant and sometimes distract from the real issue at hand.
That being said....
D is a very private person. You will rarely see her post, go into chatrooms, have a blog, etc. It's just not her nature and never will be. She prefers to keep our problems, our issues, etc, between us. In contrast, I am very open and "out there", I have various blogs, I write detailed stories about real life scenes, I post my opinions and thoughts. For a long time after becoming Hers, this bothered me (and still does), because I wasn't sure if I should censor myself, tone it down, be more private. Especially since there are others in her life that may find it hard to read about certain things. Part of me feels like they have the ability to walk away from it and not read it if such things upset them...another part of me wants to respect their feelings by censoring my words. It's a constant struggle for me. The person that D met and thought "I must have her" was the open, articulate, not-so-private Seri. When I remember that, it's a little easier for me to not feel as if I should hold back. Yet...all relationships are two-way streets, and everyone has to make adjustments so the relationship remains stable and joyful. My adjustment has been to be more respectful and conscious of privacy, and to treasure the things that only her and I share a bit more by keeping them between us.
I think I've come to a pretty good balance now, but it's still something I keep in mind every time I post or write or talk to a mutual friend.
D's other sub and I are close friends, but the slight jealousy and wariness is always lingering there when we are all together and we are both forced to share. It's normal and human and it doesn't bother me because I know it's a normal reaction based on our relationship dynamics. Sometimes I want to talk to her about problems and issues I am having because she is older, wiser, much more experienced, been with D much longer than I have and interacts with her more than I do since they live in the same city. She's been long distance with her in the past, like I am now. She's a switch, so understands both sides of the relationship. She's a wealth of knowledge and advice, and many times I would go to her with something that I was just not ready or able to go to D with because I needed to put my thoughts in order first and make sure what I thought I was feeling really WAS what I was feeling. Yet, on the other hand, I felt like I was betraying D's privacy by letting C in on details that she may not otherwise be privvy to, and that was something I really could not get out of my mind. So I no longer go to C (or anyone!) with problems unless they are rather minor or not-so-private, something that is not related specifically to D but just an issue in general, or an issue with other friends, etc. I feel much better with that arrangement and still develop my friendship with C and learn from her without "putting her in the middle" of D and I, thus respecting everyone involved.
In the process of becoming a slave, I have learned that my thoughts and feelings belong to D, entirely and unedited. She often tells me its not WHAT I say, but how I say it. I am learning to understand that and respect it a lot more than I was able to in the beginning. It is much easier for me now to take time to myself to think things out and then approach D with them to discuss them. I still have to work hard to make sure that I'm not letting feelings and reactions get in the way and overpower the true issue, but I have learned to "think like a slave" so to speak and act accordingly. It is a huge relief for me, and while I still have a ways to go to perfect my communication skills when it comes to feelings, I really feel I am finally on the right path on this one.
As I've grown in the scene, I've become less open and less out there with some of my problems and issues and thoughts because I have a matured understanding of how my words affect those I am involved with, including myself! Friendships and the availability to talk to others about things is something I think every relationship needs, but is much healthier once you have established healthy communication with the main focus in your life, which is hopefully your partner. If there is a problem that you cannot go to your Dom/me with and you choose to take that problem public on a message board or even to another friend first, that IS a sign of problems and should be taken seriously and looked at together. IMO, talking to friends or getting advice from friends and even strangers is an ok, but it is usually much more productive and respectful of your relationship to take issues to your partner, even if it is the HARDER thing to do. Sometimes the hardest things to do end up being also the best.
My two cents
Last edited:
chris9
enjoying life
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2005
- Posts
- 3,657
While reading this I found myself thinking often of the other side. I feel that it's not only important for a sub to have a friend to share his/her experience/problems/joys with, but a friend who also shares with them. In RL sub friends this is rather theoretical, but I have found posts here that made me think of some stuff that hadn't entered my head before. And while I don't have anything to share, I feel I can grow by reading here and thinking about what I read. And if someone in a relationship can find some outside information to start new discussion inside the relationship, to widen the horizon of both partners, to grow with each other, that's a good thing.
serijules
just seri
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2002
- Posts
- 1,941
chris9 said:
Excellent point. I love having conversations with my D/s friends. I always learn something, see something in a new light, etc. I tend to really get into discussions and pick things apart and make people think; I love when they return the favour.
