Submission: A Painful Introspection

[VelvetDarkness]

My point was you can't choose who you love, but you will look at partners and relationships differently the more you know, and I think you do make different choices once you have that awareness.

Fantastic little pearl of wisdom. The very fact that Bunny has been through the shit she has makes her a wiser person who is less likely to make the same mistakes again.

Nosce te ipsum.

 

[madetotakeit]

This is an area where I'm applying my lessons learned in my vanilla life. I allow myself to have feelings quite easily. I have different levels and access those the I feel is appropriate given the situation. I consider my feelings and my emotions to be two separate things. The feelings come from the heart and can be easily accessed or held back if those are the clues I am given. The emotions come from a deeper place, once accessed they can not be controlled.

I'm of similar mindset as Snowbyte. I would say that I contain my ability to fall in love and bring the emotions from the start. I've run headlong into falling love with emotions in hand with disastrous consequences. So now I parcel little bits of myself out. I keep a level mind until I trust that person, eventually I would give myself completely. But that trust has to be earned. The more effort is shown, the more he is given access to. I have to know that the person I give that over to is capable and can be trusted.

Access to the physical is easier to give. Access to the emotional plane is something I'm going to protect. That is where the danger of damage lies. Giving someone access to what can tear you down if they haven't earned it will take you to your lowest points in a dangerous way. I will go there and part of me needs to go there, but only with someone that I know can handle it properly. Until I feel secure in that, I hold tight to that key. I'm not sure how I became able to protect that part of me, but I know it came from a relationship that made me pick up everything and disappear. Had that been a BDSM relationship I have no doubts I wouldn't be here at all because I know he did not have the ability to know when too far is too far.

 

[faeriefire]

Oh, wow!

BiBunny, can I just say it touched me deeply to read your words and see the thought process you're going through. I like to spend time thinking about why I do stuff and I like thinking about how people react to each other. Your honesty here is so commendable and I think the topic is incredibly important on so many levels. Somehow when we figure out exactly who we are and how we react then we can really know what is right for us. You've already figured out what your perfect partner would be like. Now it's just a matter of finding that person...easier said than done perhaps but a very real step forward. Presumptuous of me, but I'd still like to say 'hang in there' and that being loved for exactly who and what you are does happen. I wrote a poem awhile back that I'd like to share with you, and hope it gives you hope to keep thinking and looking:

Halves of a Whole

I’ve searched the whole world round for you
The half that that makes my soul complete
I’ve sought a mate and found a few
But none to match my heart’s wild beat

I did not look when I was young
In fear of wrongly choosing chance
Yet now I know it is not wrong
To want a partner in life’s dance

I’ve looked amidst the country folk
Gentle boys with hearts of gold
Then left my home in quite a sulk
For none could rightly fit my mold

I’ve sought helpmates in the distant city
College men working night and day
So consumed with status and money
They hear not a single word I say

I’ve dated men both old and young
Kept my freedom and had my fun
And while I prayed and sang my songs
I wondered if one day you’d come

At last I set my dreams aside
Packed up my skirts and high heeled shoes
Went to work and church with pride
For myself I could not lose

And once the search was finally o’er
You materialized out of the dark
Asked me out and promised dinner
With your kiss set off that spark

It seems the tale my mother told
Stands true to what she most suspected
When seeking love the path grows cold
Love finds us when it’s least expected

My soul has found its better half
My heart is healed and dreams restored
For when I did not force my path
The Lord placed you upon my door

 

[JMohegan]

I'm completely on a post-therapy high right now, but I read this and wanted to jump up and down and say, ooh ooh, yes yes! I mean, in a non-sexual way, to the pervs reading this (in other words, all of you ).

First of all, I always feel like it's a big anti-romantic bummer to say certain things about love around these parts. For example, the bolded part of your post. There are certain chemical things that happen in our body when we fall in love. It doesn't mean it's not special, or the person isn't special, but it isn't sustainable forever. And the alternative is not some sort of loveless relationship either. It's just different.

Addressing the underlined part of your post, I agree and would add that, in a sustainable and wonderful relationship, the post-new-relationship-euphoria phase is actually more deeply satisfying.

There's really nothing quite like a partnership that's both realistic and magnificent, together at once.

 

[snowbyte]

There are certain chemical things that happen in our body when we fall in love. It doesn't mean it's not special, or the person isn't special, but it isn't sustainable forever.

This is what I was call the addictive phase. Instead of being addicted to heroin or meth, you get addicted to a person. When that phase is eventually over some people want it so much that they will bail out of the relationship to find someone else to fall in love with. That was ex-wife #1. It's made me very wary of women that fall in love really quickly.

 

[intothewoods]

Addressing the underlined part of your post, I agree and would add that, in a sustainable and wonderful relationship, the post-new-relationship-euphoria phase is actually more deeply satisfying.

There's really nothing quite like a partnership that's both realistic and magnificent, together at once.

Yes! You know, I must be healing, because in answering cat's post I'm able to happily reflect on some of that which I shared with my ex.

This is what I was call the addictive phase. Instead of being addicted to heroin or meth, you get addicted to a person. When that phase is eventually over some people want it so much that they will bail out of the relationship to find someone else to fall in love with. That was ex-wife #1. It's made me very wary of women that fall in love really quickly.

Apparently your body releases chemicals that are similar to very addictive drugs when you fall in love. Still, there's more going on than an addiction to love in your ex-wife's case.

 

[snowbyte]

Still, there's more going on than an addiction to love in your ex-wife's case.

Immaturity, more than likely. Ex-wife #3 was the true junkie (heroin). That scared me off relationships for awhile .

 

[BiBunny]

Wow! Where to start? I slept late today, and now that my thread has all these replies, I'm not sure where to begin.

Well, first of all, let me thank everybody who's contributed thus far. You've all given me a lot of things to think about. While me starting this thread may be sort of silly, I think it helps me to write things down because I can go back and look at them more rationally than I can if it's all jumbled up inside my head. And, as I think a couple of people have said, identifying the problem is the first step in solving it.

Lemme see if I can add some more info here. I've never been one of those people who falls in love with every man she has sexual contact with. I also don't fall in love with every man I play with. It's not something that I do easily or quickly. I'm cautious and cynical to a fault, actually.

I think the problem is--and, yes, I know every woman says this, but I think it's really true in my case--that when I finally fall, I fall for emotionally unavailable men. There is something in them that trips my emotional masochist button, AND I sort of like the chase and the headgames that go along with it. But it's not healthy, is it?

So I need someone who IS emotionally available AND can play headgames and indulge my emotionally masochistic tendencies in a "safe" manner. Right?

I'm getting better at this, I think.

 

[intothewoods]

So I need someone who IS emotionally available AND can play headgames and indulge my emotionally masochistic tendencies in a "safe" manner. Right?

I don't want to say "no," but ehhhhhh. It sounds better in person. Why do you choose emotionally unavailable men who play head games with you? And don't tell me because you like a challenge!

 

[kushielstoy]

Awesome process.....

So I need someone who IS emotionally available AND can play headgames and indulge my emotionally masochistic tendencies in a "safe" manner. Right?

I'm getting better at this, I think.[/QUOTE]




When you find him, clone him. You will make millions!!!
I would like to put in my order for two please.

 

[Netzach]

I'm skimming a lot, but yo, how about just kind of sitting out or semi-sitting out the relational heavy shit till you DO trust yourself?

You'll figure it out. You're smart, sensitive, and all that. There's no mandate that says you have to be as heavily involved as humanly possible at all stages of life to be happy.

And that book itw recommended is pretty good, I've skimmed it at some point.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm skimming a lot, but yo, how about just kind of sitting out or semi-sitting out the relational heavy shit till you DO trust yourself?

You'll figure it out. You're smart, sensitive, and all that. There's no mandate that says you have to be as heavily involved as humanly possible at all stages of life to be happy.

And that book itw recommended is pretty good, I've skimmed it at some point.

I just reread my post and realized it sounds really bitchy. I actually was trying to say something more like this.

And see? Get the book! By the way, Harville Hendrix is my dad, so I get a cut every time you buy a copy.

KIDDING.

 

[RJMasters]

I have enjoyed or maybe a better would be appreciate many of the things that have been shared in this thread. So my thanks to Bunny for starting it.

I want to share an experience which was a pivotal one for me as a means to transition into something else I would like to share.

I was in my early 20's(about 24 I think) and was going on my 4th year of being married. As I look back on it now, I can see so clearly how stubborn, and arrogant I was and had so many blind spots about myself that I wince just thinking about it(lol). this pivotal moment happen by way of an argument that had erupted, and being the arrogant, self absorbed person I was, I blurted out in frustration and anger..."Damn it! Your my wife and your suppose to follow and support me and my decisions." I'm laughing as I remember the face she made when I said that. She looked at me in amazement and began to burst out laughing. Then she proceeded to tell me something that would change my life forever and my own perspective and view about myself. After she had finished laughing, she said, that it isn't that simple. It is one of the most scarcest things in the world to give up control to another especially when the other person your giving the control to seems to be unstable and an emotional roller coaster. She then asked me if I thought it was easy to follow a "man like me". The paused silence after that came out was deafening. The words, "A man like me" seem to just echo inside my head. She was right, I didn't have a leg to stand on. How could she or any woman for that matter give up control to "a man like me" who wasn't in control of himself, who was impulsive, inconsistent, selfish...you get the idea.

Why that was such a pivotal point for me was because deep down I wanted to be that man, the type of man that she or anyone would feel confident in, feel safe enough to submit to. It was a moment when I came face to face for he first time with the type of man I had become. I had been weighed and measured and I was found to be lacking.

There is much that could be garnished out of that experience that I just shared, but the reason I shared it was because it allows me to make a point which I think could be of help or at least to think about. My point is....

There is knowledge in this life which one cannot gain alone. At the risk of sounding like captain obvious, I say that because there are answers you are trying to seek, but the problem is, some of them answers cannot be answered through logic or reason alone. Nor can they be provided by just anyone. And that leads me to the conclusion of where I am going with this ramble...

You mentioned that you feel like you cannot trust your own judgment, how does one then know if they are making a mistake or choosing the right person? The answer to that is two fold.

1. One doesn't. no matter what you do, there is no way to mitigate the risk of relationships. It is for that reason they hurt so bad when they fail and are so rewarding with they succeed. Of course you already know all the pat answers of things you can do to try to ensure a better chance of success....compatibility, communication...yada yada....but at some point there has to come the Geronimo leap of faith.
2. When I say the word faith, I do not mean the wimpy version of that or "blind faith". Even though you may not be able to know completely, when one does make that leap of faith it should be based upon things from which you are certain of(i.e. the time taken to build trust, and all that goes with that process).

As I mentioned above, there are answers that cannot be gained alone nor can those answers be given to you by just anyone....one of the things which I believe allows one to know if they are with the right person or not, is simply the fact, that person they are with has the answers to the questions one is searching for. and by questions and answers I do not mean that just in terms of thoughts or knowledge, but that it also includes actions, wants, needs and other aspects of a person's being. This is often referred to as searching for the "right one" for you. A good bet that you found him is that when you spend time together, the things he says and does build confidence until at such point you feel confident enough to make that leap. If you stop and think about it, what has changed to allow one to make that leap is not based on luck or the drawing of the straws and hope you pick the right one....no, it comes as a result that the "fear" or the scariness of giving up control, isn't as scary anymore, because somehow, that person has built the confidence in you which makes such yielding possible and feel right.

 

[madetotakeit]

So I need someone who IS emotionally available AND can play headgames and indulge my emotionally masochistic tendencies in a "safe" manner. Right?

I would say that about sums it up.

When you find him, clone him. You will make millions!!!
I would like to put in my order for two please.

I'd highly recommend cloning if you lay your hands on one! They're not easy to come by.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't want to say "no," but ehhhhhh. It sounds better in person. Why do you choose emotionally unavailable men who play head games with you? And don't tell me because you like a challenge!

I choose emotionally unavailable men because I'm a pleaser and a fixer. I think if I can do just the right things that I can make them not be emotionally unavailable anymore. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that is, but I'm stubborn and will fly in the face of logic under the right circumstances. I'm a sucker for a lost cause. I take people under my wing and try to make everything all better, and it bites me in the ass a lot. Most men who are emotionally unavailable are hurting deep down inside in some way. So I see it and want to help.

I'm getting better about this, too. I keep saying, "I'm not your therapist. I'm not your therapist." The last couple of guys I've spoken with who seemed to be that way, I sort of just politely told them I wasn't interested. See? I'm learning! (Maybe.)

I'm skimming a lot, but yo, how about just kind of sitting out or semi-sitting out the relational heavy shit till you DO trust yourself?

You'll figure it out. You're smart, sensitive, and all that. There's no mandate that says you have to be as heavily involved as humanly possible at all stages of life to be happy.

And that book itw recommended is pretty good, I've skimmed it at some point.

I think I will figure it out. Don't have much choice actually. I'm known for hiding from the world when things get too rough, though, and I don't think that's conducive to getting my shit together, either. I'm going to take it slow, but I think I need to venture back out into the unknown eventually, or I'm never going to learn a damn thing. And I need to see if the library has that book....

I have enjoyed or maybe a better would be appreciate many of the things that have been shared in this thread. So my thanks to Bunny for starting it.

I want to share an experience which was a pivotal one for me as a means to transition into something else I would like to share.

I was in my early 20's(about 24 I think) and was going on my 4th year of being married. As I look back on it now, I can see so clearly how stubborn, and arrogant I was and had so many blind spots about myself that I wince just thinking about it(lol). this pivotal moment happen by way of an argument that had erupted, and being the arrogant, self absorbed person I was, I blurted out in frustration and anger..."Damn it! Your my wife and your suppose to follow and support me and my decisions." I'm laughing as I remember the face she made when I said that. She looked at me in amazement and began to burst out laughing. Then she proceeded to tell me something that would change my life forever and my own perspective and view about myself. After she had finished laughing, she said, that it isn't that simple. It is one of the most scarcest things in the world to give up control to another especially when the other person your giving the control to seems to be unstable and an emotional roller coaster. She then asked me if I thought it was easy to follow a "man like me". The paused silence after that came out was deafening. The words, "A man like me" seem to just echo inside my head. She was right, I didn't have a leg to stand on. How could she or any woman for that matter give up control to "a man like me" who wasn't in control of himself, who was impulsive, inconsistent, selfish...you get the idea.

Why that was such a pivotal point for me was because deep down I wanted to be that man, the type of man that she or anyone would feel confident in, feel safe enough to submit to. It was a moment when I came face to face for he first time with the type of man I had become. I had been weighed and measured and I was found to be lacking.

There is much that could be garnished out of that experience that I just shared, but the reason I shared it was because it allows me to make a point which I think could be of help or at least to think about. My point is....

There is knowledge in this life which one cannot gain alone. At the risk of sounding like captain obvious, I say that because there are answers you are trying to seek, but the problem is, some of them answers cannot be answered through logic or reason alone. Nor can they be provided by just anyone. And that leads me to the conclusion of where I am going with this ramble...

You mentioned that you feel like you cannot trust your own judgment, how does one then know if they are making a mistake or choosing the right person? The answer to that is two fold.

1. One doesn't. no matter what you do, there is no way to mitigate the risk of relationships. It is for that reason they hurt so bad when they fail and are so rewarding with they succeed. Of course you already know all the pat answers of things you can do to try to ensure a better chance of success....compatibility, communication...yada yada....but at some point there has to come the Geronimo leap of faith.
2. When I say the word faith, I do not mean the wimpy version of that or "blind faith". Even though you may not be able to know completely, when one does make that leap of faith it should be based upon things from which you are certain of(i.e. the time taken to build trust, and all that goes with that process).

As I mentioned above, there are answers that cannot be gained alone nor can those answers be given to you by just anyone....one of the things which I believe allows one to know if they are with the right person or not, is simply the fact, that person they are with has the answers to the questions one is searching for. and by questions and answers I do not mean that just in terms of thoughts or knowledge, but that it also includes actions, wants, needs and other aspects of a person's being. This is often referred to as searching for the "right one" for you. A good bet that you found him is that when you spend time together, the things he says and does build confidence until at such point you feel confident enough to make that leap. If you stop and think about it, what has changed to allow one to make that leap is not based on luck or the drawing of the straws and hope you pick the right one....no, it comes as a result that the "fear" or the scariness of giving up control, isn't as scary anymore, because somehow, that person has built the confidence in you which makes such yielding possible and feel right.

*Blown away*

Thank you for sharing, RJ. (Ok, that sounded trite. I didn't mean for it to.) I just think you've hit on some really important things, and I don't know what to say right now. I'll mull over it and come back, I promise.

 

[kushielstoy]

Deeper still

I have been coming back to this thread to read it throughout the day. I keep laughing, crying, agreeing and feeling very….. gosh, fuck…. Just feeling.

I should have saved the money I paid to my therapist yesterday and sent Bunny a cashier’s check!

I am humbled by the grace with which you have shared your soul.

I sit in quiet appreciation of ALL of you. Again. Thank You

 

[Kajira Callista]

Wow! Where to start? I slept late today, and now that my thread has all these replies, I'm not sure where to begin.

Well, first of all, let me thank everybody who's contributed thus far. You've all given me a lot of things to think about. While me starting this thread may be sort of silly, I think it helps me to write things down because I can go back and look at them more rationally than I can if it's all jumbled up inside my head. And, as I think a couple of people have said, identifying the problem is the first step in solving it.

Lemme see if I can add some more info here. I've never been one of those people who falls in love with every man she has sexual contact with. I also don't fall in love with every man I play with. It's not something that I do easily or quickly. I'm cautious and cynical to a fault, actually.

I think the problem is--and, yes, I know every woman says this, but I think it's really true in my case--that when I finally fall, I fall for emotionally unavailable men. There is something in them that trips my emotional masochist button, AND I sort of like the chase and the headgames that go along with it. But it's not healthy, is it?

So I need someone who IS emotionally available AND can play headgames and indulge my emotionally masochistic tendencies in a "safe" manner. Right?

I'm getting better at this, I think.

I am only speaking from my own experiences in life but I sorta kinda think you need to decide if you are portraying "emotionally unavailable" and don't even know it. A lot of times I have watched people do that, attract like people...then not understand how that happened. It happens because they think you are one way when in fact you are the complete opposite.
Second...watch that emotional masochist as closely as you would the physical part of your masochist. Eventually the emotional need (like the physical need grows) will grow to a point where you are being physically harmed in a bad way by your emotions.
As to your last sentence... YEP.











<----- frog

 

[JamieB]

Originally sent as a PM

Bunny asked me to post to the list, so here goes...

You don't know me, and all I know of you is a few posts of yours I've read. if, for that reason, you want to trash this message without reading it (assuming you've even gotten this far), I won't hold it against you.

As I said, I don't know you (or anyone else here for that matter), and so this comes from outside the circle, as it were.

Also, by way of disclaimers, I'm no expert on S/M. Anything beyond a spanking and some bondage falls outside my comfort zone. Maybe that's why I didn't post to the thread.

Still...I feel compelled to share my thoughts for some reason.

In the interest of brevity, I guess my thought is this: as a masochist, you're looking for a person who gets off on being cruel. But I think that side needs to be balanced with respect for you, and compassion for you. An intense scene should be left at the scene, and afterwards (and again, maybe I'm naive) you should be taken care of and looked after, physically and emotionally. Maybe that latter part is what you're missing. I'm not sure if a compassionate sadist is a beast that exists, but my read is that's what you're looking for.

Anyway, just a thought. You seem like a good person.

J

 

[EmpressFi]

I don't know if this goes with the theme of the thread or not..but I had some thoughts floating around inside my head. I claim the title submissive. I've never really thought of myself as a slave..but here lately after talking to several people and putting my thoughts and feelings out there. I am a submissive..but with someone I care about very deeply I have the mindset of a slave. I still have the right to my hard limits and my safeword..but I'll be damned if I'll use them. If said person I care about deeply asks something of me..hard limit or not I'm going to try my hardest to do it. My desire to please overcomes my limits.. For example I may think that I'm at my limit during pain play, but if I know he needs to continue. I won't safeword. I want to please. I want him to feel the emotions he needs to feel.
I suppose the reason I've always resisted the title slave because of when I see situations where the slave has a broken leg and the Master says I don't give a shit..you're still going to do all of your chores. My mind screams at that. I don't get it. But after a discussion today I was told.. A Master has an obligation to take care of his slave. When he cares deeply about her he will make sure his property is well taken care of. Could he order her to do things when she is ill or hurt? Sure he has that right. But would a good Master? No, he would want his property to be in the best shape possible. Emotionally and physically. So would I push hard limits..maybe... but only knowing that it wasn't going to be emotionally or physically damaging to her. Made a bit more sense to me said that way.

For the right person..someone I care very deeply about..then yes I have the mindset of a slave. I choose to remain with the title submissive though.

Even with many moving posts, my mind kept coming back to this, how similar I am to this. During his last visit, we were having some fun with a few toys and I'd reached my pain limit. I knew I had but I couldnt bear to safeword out. I knew he needed this, needed to stretch his Dom muscles and that my asking him to stop would end that. I cried first, before I could even get the word out, I started to cry. He thought he'd gone to far and had hurt me. I explained what was going on...

Bunny, I think this bit of introspective analysis is a great sign that you're opening up to really examine things, examine patterns of the decisions you make and maybe that you're growing and learning more about yourself. I hope it works out as you need it and that you find whatever it is you're seeking, even if it's just peace of mind and peace of self.

 

[closerIam]

I've never been able to separate the idea of Master and lover, and I refuse to be put in a place where someone is my Master and lover, while I'm just his disposable playtoy again. I'm not saying I need something smushy and cuddly.
. . . . . . .
There. The most unromantic person on this damned forum just admitted that she needs her Master to be as devoted to her as she is to him. Chew on that for awhile. I feel so naked!
QUOTE]

BiBunny, your posts (as well as everyone's responses) have hit right to the core of what I've been feeling lately... I've really only had one relationship...my marriage. We married as teenagers..and stayed married for a LONG time...even though the relationship wasn't working and we were barely friends...maybe not even friends...just roommates. Even before I was married, I never believed in 'romance' and all that mushy stuff... And now..recently alone...I've fallen into an online/phone D/s thing... What is it...? Real? I have suddenly been discovering WHO I am...and this person is able to arouse me like never before...connect with me on some sort of emotional/sexual level that I never knew existed... There is no 'friendship'...or 'love'...it's all about sex. But for me, it's VERY EMOTIONAL... I know...because He has told me again and again...that for HIM...it's 'just' sex. I feel like I AM a disposable sex toy...and yet, this 'relationship' seems more right than many years of marriage. I know I'm setting myself up for a lot of hurt...and yet...the more I talk to Him..the more I NEED what He gives me... What I've never had before... The parts of ME I've never known before... I'm finally 'getting' what sex is all about...what arousal feels like... And yet...yet...I NEED more. I need 'this' to be something more to Him, too...

So..really, what I'm saying, is that I can SO identify with your need for something more than being a 'disposable playtoy'... I'm confused... I'm overwhelmed... I'm feeling like this 'thing' that I know is SO WRONG...is the most right I've been...ever. And I honestly don't know what to do... I don't want to give it up...and yet...as I fall deeper and deeper into this emotional attachment, I know I'm headed for 'heartbreak'... And I will have walked into it with my eyes wide open.

 

[the_pet]

You see, I'm sure nobody's going to believe this, but Bunny is a painfully shy, unconfrontational, and rather timid person.

....the whole I'M SUCH A BITCH BE WARNED KIND OF TALK was a dead giveaway

pet

 

[alexanna]

your post touched me deeply bunny. This is the kind of submissive i am. i don't give it to my husband though. i would, if he wanted it but he doesn't, so he gets the healthy, we're just having fun together at night, kind of submission.

The sub in me worries what he thinks of me about EVERYTHING; never gets her limits as a submissive pushed; never has to do anything hard except NOT do things. Yes he's controlling and dominant but he doesn't own my soul and it NEEDS to be owned.

my own struggle as a submissive is to submit to someone who desires so little from me simply because i married him 10 years ago, he is the father of my 4 beautiful children and is a good and decent person; a person who doesn't want to fuck me in the ass; whore me out to others; drink his or anyone elses piss etc; but is controlling and dominant enough to want me for his very own.

i spent years becoming a "healthy" person. i'm a feminist. i have a successful career. i dragged myself and my family out of a cult by sheer force of will and determination. Many people are afraid to cross me but underneath it all.....

i'm just a sub and worse.... one that wants to give it all.

 

[_kiana_]

I'm not sure if a compassionate sadist is a beast that exists, but my read is that's what you're looking for.

Oh HELL YES they exist. They are just a rare creature and not easy to find.

I'm lucky enough to have found one (well, I turned him into a sadist *grin*) but life has gotten in the way and there isn't much happening with him atm. But damn I'll be happy when things get back in order.

 

[_kiana_]

Many people are afraid to cross me but underneath it all.....

i'm just a sub and worse.... one that wants to give it all.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in being a sub. It doesn't make you less of a person or less worthy of attention/admiration or any of that shit.

All of the accomplishments you've made are still your own. You get the credit for them. You have been successful as a woman in attaining your career, having your family. Submissive is jut another part of you: a successful, wonderful woman.

Everyone has different facets of themselves and no single facet can undermine the overall worth of the gem. It's simply all just parts of the whole.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I'm not sure if a compassionate sadist is a beast that exists, but my read is that's what you're looking for.

They definitely exist. For me, however, the rush is in awakening compassion and mercy in the sadist simply by being who i am. When i can no longer inspire mercy and compassion in my Daddy through my willingness to do as he wishes and desire to please him i will have failed.