The "500 Word" Critiques and Discussion

[Alex De Kok]

To be, or not to be...

...that is the question

Thank you most sincerely, Whispersecret. With your comments and my brand-new copy of Stephen King's On Writing, I feel suitably chastened. Your use of blue to highlight the 'to be' usage was most illuminating. I will re-read and edit the rest of the piece very carefully.

I take your point about a 'hook' and a little more about Jacqueline. I think you'll get to know her better in the later paragraphs but here's a taster of my rewrite:

* * * * *

It was my Aunt Jacqueline’s idea to take me with her to the cabin. Just me, not my brother or my sisters. Me and Aunt Jacqui.

I was mostly stuck in a wheelchair at the time, the legacy of a mountain-biking accident. I wouldn’t have minded so much, but when I crashed I was leading the race. A root caught my pedal and the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital with both legs broken below the knee, assorted contusions and abrasions and a headache which might have been a lot worse if I hadn’t worn a helmet. They showed it to me, split in half by the rock I’d hit.

I felt better once I got home, but with a younger brother and two sisters as well as me, Mom and Dad there just wasn’t a lot of room for me in a wheelchair. I kept bumping into furniture and banging people’s shins. I could get around on crutches, but my legs ached after a while and the wheelchair was the better option. To make things worse, Aunt Jacqui had come visiting for a few days. With six of us at home, we don’t have a spare bedroom so Aunt Jacqui got my room and I bunked in with my brother Joe for the duration.

My Aunt Jacqueline is my Mom’s youngest sister. She’s slim and pretty and has the warmest smile of anybody I know. When I went through the spotty adolescent angst of mid-teen trauma she always seemed ready to listen to problems or share a joke. She’s only ten years older than me and I think I’ve always been a little bit in love with her.

Jacqui hadn’t heard about my accident and was horrified when I recounted the details. Well, those I could remember. She shook her head when I finished my account. “I think you’re lucky to be alive, Tom, never mind two broken legs.”

“It wasn’t that bad, Aunt Jacqui. The organisers always have good medical assistance at a race meeting.” I grinned. “Anyhow, everybody is running around after me at the moment.”

She laughed. “I feel guilty about putting you out of your room.”

I smiled. “Always glad to do it for you, Aunt Jacqui.”

She squeezed my hand. “Thanks, sweetie.” She stood. “I’m gonna go find your Mom. I have an idea which might make life a little easier.”

I found out about her idea over supper. Mom and Dad, Aunt Jacqui and I were sitting around the kitchen table. Joe and the twins had gone down to watch TV in the family room in the basement.

“You know I got the cabin at Green Lake as part of my divorce settlement?”

We nodded. The ink was still damp on Aunt Jacqui’s divorce. Her husband took up with his secretary and Jacqui caught them balling in her bed. Harry – I refuse to call him Uncle – must be a grade-A idiot to lose someone like my Aunt Jacqui.

* * * * *

I hope you'll agree that the rewrite reads better.

Again, my most sincere thanks.

Alex

 

[Whispersecret]

Yes, BRAVO, Alex. Nicely done.

You're very welcome.

Ain't On Writing a gem? Didn't you love the part about the babysitter preparing him for harsh critics? I laughed my ass off when I read that passage.

 

[Alex De Kok]

A memorable babysitter indeed, Eula-Beulah. What sticks in my mind most after my first read of the book however is this:

Second draft equals first draft minus ten percent

As one prone to use two or three words where one will do I must take this to heart!

Alex

 

[Whispersecret]

Yeah, the book was worth its price just for that revelation alone.

I'm not the best at adhering to that though.

 

[Whispersecret]

Candy_Apple's Critique

Huh, was going to PM Flash Boy to notify him that I’d critiqued his 500 words a while ago and see that he was a Guest and has no PM address or anything. Damned if I don’t feel like I wasted my time.

----

Okay, Candy, here we go.

It was Becky’s idea to go camping. She planned the entire thing for Alicia’s eighteenth birthday and her own birthday the day after. They were to go hiking up mountains, trekking through the bush and they would take all their supplies and their tent in their packs.

Becky drove them up to their starting point in her 4WD, parked it next to a public toilet and started getting the packs out of the boot. Whilst she was bending over she received a slap on the ass from Alicia who then whispered in her ear, “I can’t wait till tonight when I’m going to eat your pussy.”
Flustered by what Alicia had said but also extremely aroused, Becky turned around and gave her a passionate kiss on the mouth.

And so they started the trek.

Candy, my advice is to try to avoid starting out a story with a lump of backstory. True you only have a paragraph here, but it’s better to start off with something more compelling. Perhaps you could start with:

“I can’t wait till tonight when I’m going to eat your pussy.”

Then try to dribble in the info about why they’re in the mountains, etc. a little at a time, as necessary.

“Baby, I’m tired already,” moaned Alicia, “Can’t we just camp here?”
“If we camp here our tent will be blown away. Just another ten minutes and we’ll be at the first clearing,” replied Becky.

I’m confused. Why would their tent blow away? Is it particularly windy there?

Aren’t they still at the parking lot? You have a transition (sort of) when you say, “And so they started the trek,” but that’s not enough. You need something like, “The trail wound up the mountain,” with a few little details about the setting. This will both establish the sense of place and help the reader understand that some time has gone by.

“You said that ten minutes ago,” mumbled Alicia, whose real reason to stop walking was not from tiredness but because being near Becky always made her horny. All she wanted to do was to rip off Becky’s clothes, lay her on the ground, climb on top of her in the 69 position and tease her clit with her tongue. Was that too much to ask for?

Personally, I’d like a little inkling about their relationship. Have they been lovers in the past? What is it about Becky that makes Alicia horny? It doesn't have to be volumes, just a sentence or two.

Half an hour later the two girls sat in their erected tent, completely exhausted.

Again, your transition here is a tad too abrupt. And erected tent sounds weird to me.

Becky stripped off her sweaty clothes and started to climb into her sleeping bag when Alicia grabbed her arm,
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m tired Ally, can’t we wait till tomorrow morning?” sighed Becky.

Alicia released Becky and seemed to agree.

Becky seems to understand this statement as saying, “Hey, I thought we were going to fuck.” But I don’t see the sexual implication. If she were fondling her tit or said, “You’re not thinking about sleeping now, are you?” then I would understand.

Stripping off her clothes she climbed into Becky’s sleeping bag behind her and pressed her breasts against her back. She wrapped her arms around Becky’s waist.
Becky tried to get to sleep but Alicia’s presence was becoming too much for her . The moistness between her legs grew unbearable and her mind was thinking of all the things she would love to do to her friend.

Groaning Becky rolled over and kissed Alicia full on the lips. Alicia grinned, pulled Becky out of the sleeping bag and stood her up – admiring her slender and sensual body. Licking her lips Alicia bent down and lightly kissed Becky’s breast. She circled her areola with her tongue, teasing her. Becky moaned with pleasure and she succumbed to Alicia.

Alicia then planted light feathery kisses all down Becky’s body, moving in circles always downwards until she arrived just above her clitoris. Alicia grabbed Becky’s ass and pulled her pussy towards her until it was inches from her face. Becky squealed as she could feel Alicia’s panting on her pussy and it filled her with desire .

“Groaning Becky rolled over…” This is a solid paragraph. I don’t even have to be the Was Police here. But the description seems a bit dry. You have some great word choices here (succumbed, feathery, squealed, panting) and I’d like to see more of them. For example, look at “filled her with desire.” HOW did it fill her with desire? What type of physical reactions does Alicia’s panting on her pussy cause? How exactly did she tease her? Don’t settle for telling us. SHOW us. That axiom of “show don’t tell,” is sometimes confusing because writing is “telling” a story. It should actually be “Describe, don’t summarize.” Don’t just tell us she’s thinking about things to do, but describe exactly what those things are.

“…pulled Becky out of the sleeping bag and stood her up.” Can you smooth this sentence out a little? Then, actually describe her “slender, sensual body?” No need to go into cup size, but a few details would be nice.

“Please…” whispered Becky,
“Please what?” teased Alicia,
“Please make love to me with your…”

You have some problems with punctuation here. Should be:

“Please…” whispered Becky.
“Please what?”
“Please make love to me with your…”

I took out the “teased Alicia,” because it’s obvious who’s speaking. Be wary of adding too many cute tags to identify the speaker. Plain old “said” works best. Use the others sparingly.

but Becky couldn’t finish because Alicia had started sucking on her clitoris. Becky gasped and grabbed onto Alicia’s head for support, moaning in pleasure. Alicia thrust two fingers into Becky’s pussy and rubbed her G-spot. Becky screamed and came hard , her eyes watering. She looked down at Alicia who grinned up at Becky. Alicia’s face was covered in Becky’s cum.

Capitalize that first b. It’s okay to start a sentence with but or and, but make sure you’re doing it for a good reason. Emphasis of an idea or because your previous sentence was already too long.

She comes awfully fast. You might want to consider building up a little more. Seems like you’re rushing things.

Again, describe. I’ve gone back and highlighted the words and phrases I think you should think about elaborating on and/or substituting with something more descriptive.

“Had enough?” asked Alicia.
Becky shook her head. Alicia laid her down on the ground, lay next to her, and gently kissed her whilst tracing around her nipples lightly with her fingertips. Becky kissed Alicia, savoring the taste of her own cum on Becky’s lips

Does she lay her on a sleeping bag, I hope? Let’s not forget they’re in a tent in the wilderness. Perhaps you should remind us of that by adding some details…chirping of crickets, rushing of the stream, chill in the air, crisp clean air. You get the idea.

What does Alicia’s cum taste like?

Rolling Alicia off her… I thought they were laying next to each other.

All right. That’s a decent effort, Candy. I hope you don't feel too battered. My best advice would be to concentrate on adding details to your descriptions. They’re a bit bland as they stand now. You might be surprised to see how just a few details (really, it doesn’t take much) can really make your scene more exciting and real to the reader. Think about all five senses, too.

 

[Whispersecret]

It occurs to me that I might be doing something that I mentally chastised someone else of doing.

I know a person who runs a critique group (a "real life" one). She only critiques, but is never critiqued. When I heard of this, I thought, "Geez. That's pretty cush. She never has to face the flames herself. She can just dish out comments willy nilly like a queen."

So, not wanting to be hypocritical, I'd like to know if people would like a crack at my stuff. I'm working on the beginnings of a couple of stories, and wouldn't mind sharing them at all if there's interest.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Just do it.

Oh, yes. Yield up your prose to the great veg-a-matic of critique. Just don't ever think revenge or retribution will play any part in my efforts. Envy and bitterness, maybe; revenge or retribution, never.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Route66Girl]

Heck yeah!

I'd be willing to give it a go as well, WS.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Yeah! What they said!

Minor point of criticism on Candy_Apple's tale. The tents I know that are big enough to stand up in tend not to be the ones that are light enough to go back-packing!

Alex

 

[Whispersecret]

All right, you guys. Here's the beginning of a new story. I'm aiming for 20,000 words or so. Have at it!

---

Logan Donahue exhaled hard on his hands, ineffectually trying to warm them. He could see the headline now: Man Clutching Snow Chains Found Dead on Hwy. 138.

He wondered about the first signs of frostbite. Wasn’t the flesh supposed to show a blue or greenish cast? Or was that gangrene? Shit. He was a ___, not a damned doctor. His fingers just looked wet and red, and they tingled. Surely they’d be numb by now if they were frostbitten.

Forcing his mind back to the task at hand, he rubbed his hands together briskly. He’d already put chains on the right tire, so he knew he it was possible. Taking off his thick ski gloves had helped a lot. He’d gotten the right chain on in five minutes, but the left tire? At least a half hour of frustrating failure. A biting wind stabbed his exposed skin like needles. The swirling snow didn’t help either, but he kept reminding himself that fresh snow meant killer skiing.

Mumbling a prayer, he tried once again to hook the wet metal links together…

“Gotcha, you little bastard!” he cried with fierce glee.

Triumphant, Logan jumped back into the car and resumed the drive up the mountain. No, sirree, a little snow storm wasn’t going to stop him. Neither was the little cold he’d been fighting. He’d been looking forward to this weekend with the guys for months. Who wouldn’t? Some prime skiing in the morning, serious poker at night, and no women. Patrick’s wife and Seth’s girlfriend had stayed home. That meant toilet seats could stay up. They could let loose with any bodily noises they wanted without fear of reproach. A few rented porn flicks wouldn’t be out of the question either. Just like the good old days.

However, once he arrived at the town proper, he felt worn out. Instead of beer, poker, and pretzels, all he wanted now was a good night’s sleep. Damn chains had taken more out of him than he’d thought.

He sifted through the junk on the passenger seat for the directions and found several empty fast food containers, a few CDs, a damp towel, but no directions. He pulled out his cell phone. No fucking reception.

“This can’t be happening,” Logan said out loud as he pulled into a grocery story parking lot.

He turned on the interior lights and searched for the email printout Niall had sent to no avail. Now what? He scanned the dark landscape beyond the lighted parking lot. Somewhere out there his buddies were guzzling imported beer, chowing on Cheetos, wondering where the hell he was.

Feeling hot, he stripped off his jacket and turned down the heat. He did remember vaguely the house was on Pine Vista Road, something like that. Maybe if he could find the street, he could cruise it, looking for Patrick’s red F150 or Seth’s ’67 Mustang. He hadn’t lost the folding map, but found to his dismay a Tall Pine Vista, Pinewood Vista, Whistling Pine Vista, in addition to plain old Pine Vista.

 

[Guest]

Well, as an amateur of writing stories (i.e. a fake), I might as well go the whole hog and become a fake critic.

My first thought was “20,000 words. That needs a little planning. Like 20,000 meters, the pace doesn’t need to be that fast.
So a reader who was prepared to read this would be prepared for a little slower build-up.

So, you set the scene (boys only ski trip) and introduce Logan and his Successful 80’s Yuppie type buddies. You put him in a vulnerable position in the first sentence. Great! Tension is there, menace (City boy at mercy of Wilderness, confused at all these similar Small Town names).

I have nothing but the most minor criticisms:

Feeling hot, he stripped off his jacket and turned down the heat
Hot/heat. No like. “Feeling hot,” is actually a bit redundant. I use very short choppy sentences, so I would have written: He was sweating. He peeled off his jacket and turned down the heat.

Interior light, singular, I think.

but found to his dismay a Tall Pine Vista, Pinewood Vista, Whistling Pine Vista, in addition to plain old Pine Vista.

I would have shown his dismay in some action, or made it implicit, e.g something like.
He peered at the map. He found Tall Pine Vista, Pinewood Vista, Whistling Pine Vista, as well as plain old Pine Vista. About seventy-five miles of road to cruise.

Post the other 19,500 words now, I want to know what happens to this bastard.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Heya Whisper you cute thing you (nah, I’m not kissing up because I’m supposed to be on “THE LIST”)

Well. Okay. Maybe a little. Anyway, here’s my two cents worth:

Paragraph one is pretty close to perfect. Nothing there.

Para. 2: “Wasn’t the flesh supposed to HAVE a blue or greenish cast?” I would change a little of the rest of the paragraph to read: “He was a _____, not a damned doctor. Either way he figured he was safe. His fingers were wet and red, without a blue hue to be found, and they were tingling. Surely they’d be numb if he had frostbite.”

Para. 3: “He’d gotten the right chain on in five minutes, but the left ONE (You aren’t referring to the left tire here, you’re referring to the left tire chain) had so far given him half an hour’s worth of frustration.” (You say “At least a half hour of frustrating failure“, as if it had been DONE after the half hour, but it still isn’t done). Biting WINDS stabbed his exposed skin like kamikaze hypodermics on speed (okay, maybe it’s a little much but my philosophy is, if you’re gonna use a cliche, make it your own). Swirling snow didn’t help either, but he kept reminding himself that fresh snow meant killer skiing.”

Para. 4: (I can’t believe that I’m saying this) You can replace the ellipsis with a period here.

Para. 5: “cried with fierce glee” is another one of those cliche-ish things. How about “he growled against the sound of the wind” or “he sneered triumphantly” or something?

Para. 6: “Triumphant, Logan jumped back into the car, resuming his drive up the mountain. No siree, no little snow storm was going to stop him. (I’d omit the stuff about the cold, it isn’t necessary)”
“Patrick’s wife and Seth’s girlfriend were staying home.”
“They could make free with their personal choices of bodily noises without fear of female reproach, and rented porn flicks wouldn’t have to be hidden behind the sofa cushions. Just like the good old days, when he felt good and didn’t feel old.” (that cliche thing again, I know).

Para. 7: “Despite his overabundance of joyous male freedom, however, he felt worn out when he pulled intoo town. Instead of beer, poker and pretzels he started thinking about a good night’s sleep. Damn chains....”

Para. 8: “Sifting through the passenger’s seat for the directions, he rummaged up several empty fast food containers, a few CD’s and a damp towel. No directions. Pulling out his cell phone, he mumbled a curse. No reception.

Para. 9: “This can’t be happening,” he muttered aloud as he pulled into a grocery store parking lot.
Para. 10: “Turning on the interior lights, he searched....Niall had sent, to no avail. Now what? He scanned....chowing on Cheetos, and wondering where the hell he was.”

Para. 11: “Feeling hot, he stripped off his jacket, turning down the heat. In some dark closet in his brain he seemed to recall that the house was onn Pine Vista Road. Something like that. If he could find the street he could do some cruising for Patrick’s red F150 or Seth’s ‘67 Mustang. Pulling the folding map from the glovebox, he searched the list of city streets, discouraged to find Tall Pine Vista, Pinewood Vista, Whistling Pine Vista, and plain old Pine Vista.”
That last street (plain old Pine Vista) makes me think of “a plain pine box” but I couldn’t fit it in there. *g*

I like this start. I definitely want the rest of the story (apologies to Paul Harvey)

Best,
ladyp

 

[Whispersecret]

Well, as an amateur of writing stories (i.e. a fake), I might as well go the whole hog and become a fake critic. Josh, I appreciate the help. You're not a fake at all. Any effort is valued.

Feeling hot, he stripped off his jacket and turned down the heat
Hot/heat. No like. “Feeling hot,” is actually a bit redundant.

You're absolutely right.

Interior light, singular, I think.

I have like six lights in my van.

but found to his dismay a Tall Pine Vista, Pinewood Vista, Whistling Pine Vista, in addition to plain old Pine Vista. I would have shown his dismay in some action, or made it implicit, e.g something like.

Yes. SHOW don't tell. Duh.

Post the other 19,500 words now, I want to know what happens to this bastard.

Can't. Haven't written 'em yet. LOL Besides, this is an aimed for the mainstream publishers story.

Thanks for the help!

 

[Whispersecret]

Thanks also to you, ladyp. I see on my list that phoenix_646 is next, and then you're up for the Whispersecret 500 Treatment.

Para. 2: “Wasn’t the flesh supposed to HAVE a blue or greenish cast?” I would change a little of the rest of the paragraph to read: “He was a _____, not a damned doctor. Either way he figured he was safe. His fingers were wet and red, without a blue hue to be found, and they were tingling. Surely they’d be numb if he had frostbite.” I'm not crazy about your rewrite, but damned if I wasn't happy with that paragraph myself. I'll work on it.

Para. 3: “He’d gotten the right chain on in five minutes, but the left ONE (You aren’t referring to the left tire here, you’re referring to the left tire chain) had so far given him half an hour’s worth of frustration.” (You say “At least a half hour of frustrating failure“, as if it had been DONE after the half hour, but it still isn’t done). Well, shit. You are the official Kick WS in the Butt and Make Her Do What She Shoulda in the First Place Girl. I'll work on that too. Grumble grumble.

Biting WINDS stabbed his exposed skin like kamikaze hypodermics on speed (okay, maybe it’s a little much but my philosophy is, if you’re gonna use a cliche, make it your own). Hey, needles isn't the most obvious cliche ever. But you're right. BTW, I LOVE that make the cliche your own bit of advice.

Para. 4: (I can’t believe that I’m saying this) You can replace the ellipsis with a period here. Right. It's out. (Are you known for ellipses? LOL)

Para. 5: “cried with fierce glee” is another one of those cliche-ish things. How about “he growled against the sound of the wind” or “he sneered triumphantly” or something? Hmmm. Don't see fierce glee as a cliche.

Para. 6: “Triumphant, Logan jumped back into the car, resuming his drive up the mountain. No siree, no little snow storm was going to stop him. (I’d omit the stuff about the cold, it isn’t necessary)”

I need to establish this cold thing here because he does end up getting pretty sick pretty quick.

“Patrick’s wife and Seth’s girlfriend were staying home.”
“They could make free with their personal choices of bodily noises without fear of female reproach, and rented porn flicks wouldn’t have to be hidden behind the sofa cushions. Just like the good old days, when he felt good and didn’t feel old.” (that cliche thing again, I know). I'm fine with this paragraph, but may try to find some less obvious male joys. (or was that what you meant?) Any suggestions?

Para. 7: “Despite his overabundance of joyous male freedom... Love this phrase. I'm stealing it.

Para. 8: “Sifting through the passenger’s seat for the directions, he rummaged up several empty fast food containers, a few CD’s and a damp towel. No directions. Pulling out his cell phone, he mumbled a curse. No reception. I like the rhythm of this, but will probably mess with the exact words.

Maybe add this: "He was obviously up the creek. No fucking paddle." Or is that too lame of a joke?

Thanks, ladyp. Enormously helpful. Amazing what a fresh pair of eyes can do.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Damn, they said it first!

Consequence of being several time zones away on the other side of the pond.

Very little to add to what Josh and Lady P have said, but I do have a quibble with your very first paragraph. I think 'exhaled' is a case of using a big word when there's already a very good little one. I find it reads awkwardly, too, but that might be me. I'd put -

Logan Donahue blew hard on his fingers, ineffectually trying to warm them.

The others have covered most of the other points I'd make, but in your last paragraph, unless the absence of his coat is going to make a difference in his near future I'd just omit the sentence altogether. He's lost, coat or no coat!

Nice start.

Alex

 

[Route66Girl]

Hey Whisper This is really good stuff. I echo Josh- hurry up and finish! I want to know what happens to this guy.

I did my best to come up with helpful suggestions. Hope you find something in them you can use.

Alrighty then! (cracking knuckles). Let's get down to business.

Logan Donahue exhaled hard on his hands, ineffectually trying to warm them. He could see the headline now: Man Clutching Snow Chains Found Dead on Hwy. 138.

He wondered about the first signs of frostbite. Wasn’t the flesh supposed to show a blue or greenish cast? Or was that gangrene? Shit. He was a ___, not a damned doctor. His fingers just looked wet and red, and they tingled. Surely they’d be numb by now if they were frostbitten.

Forcing his mind back to the task at hand, he rubbed his hands together briskly. He’d already put chains on the right tire, so he knew he it was possible. Taking off his thick ski gloves had helped a lot. He’d gotten the right chain on in five minutes, but the left tire? At least a half hour of frustrating failure. A biting wind stabbed his exposed skin like needles. The swirling snow didn’t help either, but he kept reminding himself that fresh snow meant killer skiing.

Mumbling a prayer, he tried once again to hook the wet metal links together…

“Gotcha, you little bastard!” he cried with fierce glee.


I like the scene you've set here. It's easy to empathize with Logan's comical situation, and the details are vivid. Technically, the sentence structure is also good. The flow from his thoughts to the narrative voice is well done, too. I think what could stand some tinkering is the order of exposition. So I did some rearranging, condensed two sentences about the right tire into one, and added a few details for fun.

Logan Donahue blew (agreed that "exhaled hard" was awkward) on his hands, ineffectually trying to warm them. He could see the headline now: Man Clutching Snow Chains Found Dead on Hwy. 138.

He'd gotten the right chain on in only five minutes, so he knew it was possible. But the left? So far at least a half hour of frustrating failure.

Taking off his bulky ski gloves had helped, but his now wet fingers were bright red. The skin tingled, and the muscles stiffened when he tried to make a fist. He wondered about the first signs of frostbite. Wasn’t the flesh supposed to show a blue or greenish cast? Surely they’d be numb by now if they were frostbitten... wouldn't they? Or was that gangrene? Shit. He was a ___, not a damned doctor.

(hehehe- that sentence reminds me of Bones in Star Trek- "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a ___!")

A biting wind stabbed his exposed skin like needles. The swirling snow didn’t help either, but he kept reminding himself that fresh snowfall meant killer skiing.

Forcing his mind back to the task at hand, Logan rubbed his hands together briskly. (you might want to re-word this- "task at hand", "rubbed his hands" in the same sentence seems awkward)

Mumbling a prayer, he tried once again to hook the wet metal links together…

ca-chink! (I added this because the space between "together..." and his exclamation seemed to need something.

“Gotcha, you little bastard!” he cried with fierce glee.

(I LOVE this! Laughed right out loud. Oh, how many times have we all cursed at inanimate objects?!)

I don't know if that rearrangement helps any. I'm just presenting it as an alternative.


Triumphant, Logan jumped back into the car and resumed the drive up the mountain. No, sirree, a little snow storm wasn’t going to stop him. Neither was the little (intentional repetition of the word "little"?) cold he’d been fighting. He’d been looking forward to this weekend with the guys for months. Who wouldn’t? Some prime skiing in the morning, serious poker at night, and no women. Patrick’s wife and Seth’s girlfriend had stayed home. That meant toilet seats could stay up. They could let loose with any bodily noises they wanted without fear of reproach. A few rented porn flicks wouldn’t be out of the question either. Just like the good old days.

Two things about this paragraph: I would nix "Who wouldn't?" It doesn't seem to add anything. "Just like the good old days." This seems to want more. The good old days where? College? Did they grow up together? Or is this a deliberate hook for later exposition?

However, once he arrived at the town proper, he felt worn out. Instead of beer, poker, and pretzels, all he wanted now was a good night’s sleep. Damn chains had taken more out of him than he’d thought.

That last two sentences are great. But you can do more with the first sentence. This is a "show" moment, but you tell us he's tired. Perhaps the sentence could be used to instead describe him pulling up to the first stoplight as he arrives in town, and yawning as he waits for it to change.

He sifted through the junk on the passenger seat for the directions and found several empty fast food containers, a few CDs, a damp towel, but no directions. He pulled out his cell phone. No fucking reception.

“This can’t be happening,” Logan said out loud as he pulled into a grocery story (typo alert!) parking lot. "out loud" is redundant. You know why Try "Logan groaned" instead(?)

He turned on the interior lights and searched for the email printout Niall had sent to no avail. Now what? He scanned the dark landscape beyond the lighted parking lot. Somewhere out there his buddies were guzzling imported beer, chowing on Cheetos, wondering where the hell he was.

Like those last two sentences especially. Good stuff.

Feeling hot, he stripped off his jacket and turned down the heat. He did remember vaguely the house was on Pine Vista Road, something like that. Maybe if he could find the street, he could cruise it, looking for Patrick’s red F150 or Seth’s ’67 Mustang. He hadn’t lost the folding map, but found to his dismay a Tall Pine Vista, Pinewood Vista, Whistling Pine Vista, in addition to plain old Pine Vista.

Agree with Josh about the first sentence. Also, here and in the first part, when he's out in the snow, there may be an opportunity or two for details about the symptoms of his cold. A sniffle here and there, wondering if he's hot because of an oncoming fever, etc.

Hehehehe- loved the various "Pine Vista" names.

The whole thing tickled my funny bone. This is going to be a good story when you finish. I can only hope that the suggestions I offered were at least half as helpful as those you gave to me on the Cole story.



R66G

 

[Whispersecret]

He was a ___, not a damned doctor.

(hehehe- that sentence reminds me of Bones in Star Trek- "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a ___!")

LOL. It does, doesn't it! I think Bones said, "miracle worker," at least once...

Yes, your version is smoother.

I like the ca-chink idea. It does add a good beat.

No, the double use of "little" was unintentional.

"Good old days." I haven't really thought up their exposition yet. I imagine it will come to me when they really "appear" later in the story. Good to note that you were curious though.

Yes, your suggestions were very helpful! It's the little picky shit I need.

Thanks, everyone. Was this at all therapeutic? LOL

 

[NoJo]

Wow. I thought I was reading SO carefully and still missed so many little things that Route66 picked up!
It reminds me of the famous example of how we miss all the little stuff like repeated words when they appear at the
the end of lines.

 

[Phoenix646]

so i guess my crap story won't be critiqued?

 

[Whispersecret]

Smooth those feathers, Phoenix646.

I was on a roll for a while, and then offline things came up and I got busy. I do have a life outside of Lit, even if I do ignore the former in favor of the latter once in a while.

I started my critique on your excerpt a while ago. It's on my hard drive. I'll try to finish it today. Be patient, friend.

But I gotta tell you that your post reads with a little attitude, which isn't very conducive to getting someone to do a favor for you. I don't know you. We're not friends. I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart. Perhaps you didn't intend for your post to come across with a sneer and a hint of entitlement, but it did to me.

Something like this might be better:

Gee, Whisper, is it possible for you to get to my critique sometime soon, please? It's been a while since you've posted on this thread, and I was wondering if you'd forgotten about it.

Also, don't be so quick to label your stuff crap. (Why so defensive?)

 

[Phoenix646]

i didn't mean for it to come off as an aggressive post towards you...sorry.

 

[Whispersecret]

I'm glad you didn't mean it to be snotty. Just remember that we can't see your face as you type or hear your tone of voice.

No hard feelings.

 

[NoJo]

Gee, Whisper, is it possible for you to get to my critique sometime soon, please? It's been a while since you've posted on this thread, and I was wondering if you'd forgotten about it.

Best wishes,

Your pal, Josh (akasubjoe)

 

[karmadog]

frostbite

Just a couple of brief notes for you, WS. (BTW, I think you're very generous to do this. God knows I don't have the time.)

I don't like starting a story with the character's name. I'm probably in the minority here, but it makes me think of those books I won't buy that have a list of the characters on the flap.

Scarlet Mugglesworth an adult diaper heiress and professional skateboarder with a passion for the boardroom... and Love!

Strafe Johnson her skateboarding nemesis and owner of a rival diaper company. He harbors a secret passion for Scarlet, and an even bigger secret under his skate shorts. He wears Mugglesworth undies!

I think maybe a description of the scene first. Also, when you have only one character, it's not so necessary to give the names straightaway.

The other thing I wanted to mention was this: A skier that doesn't know what frostbite looks like? Maybe he's a beginner, or maybe he's only a spring skier?

 

[Whispersecret]

Josh, that was funny.

Here's the line up:

Phoenix646
ladyphoenix
graymouse
josh greifer
margo_x_

I'm really hot on a story right now, and don't want to lose my momentum. Forgive me. As writers, I hope you'll understand.