The "500 Word" Critiques and Discussion

[DarlingNikki]

Yes, it's very helpful! Thank you so much!

I actually had a lot of the explanatory stuff in the few paragraphs after the first 500 words, so I'm glad to know I wasn't too off track. I was going to try to let it unfold as the story went on, so as not to have too many blocks of explanation early on, but I will move a bunch of it up closer to the beginning. I don't want people getting bored or confused and clicking the "back" button.

Thanks again... are you very strict on the one per customer rule?

 

[Whispersecret]

No, it's good that you're not frontloading the story with exposition. Many beginners do that out of ignorance.

However, that's not necessarily what I'm talking about. Exposition is that background information--the stuff that happens before the story starts. I also saw a distinct lack of involvement in the events AS they were happening. I think a reader might find it more difficult to identify with the character of the writer insists on keeping the reader at arm's length, and never letting them too close to the character's thoughts and feelings.

I'm thinking that if the character in this story is actually you, that that might be the problem. You may feel reluctant to expose yourself in that way. It's one thing to write about someone else, but from their point of view, and it's quite another to write about yourself. Of course, I could be way off track. But even so, you need to show the reader more about the inner workings of your main characters and since it's a first person story, this MUST occur with the narrating character.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Whispersecret, thanks for all your help. I do see what you mean and I tried to address some of what you wrote about. I AM writing about myself and the problem is that things just seem so obvious to me that of course aren't obvious to anyone who's not me.

I thought it might be easier to just repost the whole new beginning in your other thread - I hope that's okay. No problem if you can't get to it.

 

[Whispersecret]

Yes, much much better. I get a much better feeling for who the main character is and what motivates her beyond wanting to escape the tedium of her job.

 

[katnipper]

.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Thanks, Whispersecret.
The story has been submitted and should be out any day now. I think the intro is more interesting now...hopefully I will have fewer backclicks than I would have.

 

[Whispersecret]

Magic Fingers

Hey, Magic. I'm intrigued by the premise here of a show. I'm assuming it's a TV show because of the audience and the sex toy props. However, I'm uncertain if this is going to pan out into a story or not. So far (and I admit that the 500 word limit makes it difficult) I'm not too compelled to read the rest. Don't get me wrong. It's not because no one's having sex. I'm just not that enthused about reading the script of a fictional TV show. Nor am I getting very involved in these characters--what makes them tick, why they're going to have sex, etc.

Is this just a prelude to actual sex on the show in front of the audience? Do they go off camera eventually so that we readers can experience more than their somewhat stiff television personas?

I'm going to assume that beyond these first 500 words, something exciting happens. In the meantime, I'll go through what's here.

Sherman and Sherman
Only For Women

"Laura and Jennifer here with our show tonight about female orgasms."
"I'm Laura and I'm a sex therapist.
My sister Jen is a medical doctor."
"Welcome studio guests, to our exciting show we have for you tonight."

Perhaps it's just me, but I'm thinking that if they want to have credibility on television, they shouldn't be referring to themselves as Laura and Jen.

That last sentence might read better if you substitute "the" for "our."

If Laura does all that talking, you only need one set of quotation marks. However I see that farther down you start introducing the dialogue with their names followed by a colon. I suggest you choose one method and stick to it. If you DO veer from the script format later and go into regular story mode, then consider the colon thing or go with italics if the script part doesn't go on too long. (Large blocks of italics can be tiresome to read.)

"We'll have expert guests and discussions with our audience on what turns them on enough to get them off, how long it takes, and how many times they can do it at once."

"What turns you on, ladies? The right man, a sexy smell, a body rub, a fancy dinner out?

Do you have special techniques that always work? Do you use toys, clothing, or a special setting to make it good for you?
How many of you have a clitoral and/or a "G" spot orgasm? Can you cum without anyone even touching these areas? How many of you are multi-orgasmic? That is, can you have multiple orgasms or a seemingly continuous orgasm that lasts for a long time?

We'll be exploring these and other areas relating to female orgasms tonight. Later, we will have a question and answer period and will attempt to answer all your concerns."

I think you should cut this part out. I think it slows down your story quite a bit. I felt like I was reading a commercial. (Sorry!) Besides, I got the feeling like this was a weekly show and I don't think they'd cover that many subjects on one episode.

"Let's get right to our first professional expert, Dr. Jackie Mulano, who has a PHD in physical science and a clinic for singles and couples who have sexual relation problems, or who just wish to increase their or their partner's sexual abilities."

"Welcome, Dr. Mulano."

"Thank you, I'm glad to be here, and, please, call me Jackie. It sounds more friendly and intimate. That is one of the first steps to having pleasurable sex - breaking down the communication barriers and learning to feel comfortable with those close to you."

Laura: "OK, Jackie, that's a good start. What can you tell us from your research figures?"

Jackie: "Our surveys show some interesting data, like between 10 and 15 percent of women have NEVER had an orgasm of any kind. 50% of women do not have orgasms on a regular basis, and only 30% have orgasms from normal heterosexual sex. Many are unaware of their "G" spot or how to stimulate it. Most women WANT more but don't know how to get more. I hope we can help them in their quests to achieve orgasms whenever they desire."

This question about research figures is very vague for a television host to ask. Perhaps a better question would be, "In your recent article I read that a shocking percent of women have NEVER had an orgasm of any kind. Is that true?"

Or perhaps you should skip this (kinda dry) part about orgasmic statistics and go right for the sex toy topic.

I know that probably seems picky, but I assume that you want your story to seem somewhat realistic. Because its erotica, there is usually some degree of the ridiculous. Most of the events that happen in these stories don't actually happen. So, I've always felt that we should make all the other aspects of our stories as realistic as possible to offset that. Does that make sense?

Also, a PhD in physical science? (That IS a small 'h.') That seems a strange area for a sexual expert to have an advanced degree. I'd expect biology, medicine, or even anthropology before physical science.

Jen: "We have mentioned our 20 methods to increased sexual pleasure in a previous show. One method involves the couple shopping together for sex toys. I see you have brought some to show our audience. Would you tell us some more about them, please?"

Jackie: "Sure. These are powerful ways to increase the libido in both sexes. One toy I particularly like is the remote control butterfly."

Laura: "A butterfly? You mean it really flies?"

Jackie, laughing: "No, it is a type of vibrator that the woman can wear over her genital area, in her panties or even without underwear! It is shaped like and looks like a butterfly, hence the name. It makes contact with the clitoral area and is completely hidden from the view of others.

I'm sure that as a sex therapist Laura would know what a butterfly is.

Well, I guess that's all. I know 500 words isn't much. I do that on purpose. First, it keeps me from getting bogged down. Second, it forces the writer to focus minutely on the beginning of their story. On the Internet, it's extremely easy for a reader to backclick and find something else to read. If you don't hook them right away, you might lose them.

As it stands, I'm still waiting for something to happen. You should think about a way to pick up the pace, otherwise I fear you aren't going to get too many people who stick with this to the end.

Perhaps you can tell me the gist of the rest of it and I can make more specific suggestions on how to spice this up.
I hope this was helpful.

 

[Whispersecret]

Darlene B. Sweet

Real Dreams
Sandra moaned loudly as she brought herself to climax. After a moment rest, she laid her vibrator on the nightstand beside her bed. She closed her eyes and dipped her index finger inside her cunt to feel the wetness she created. She looked down at her finger; it was covered with her own milky, white cream. She brought her finger up to her mouth. She licked and sucked on it until it was clean. She tasted so sweet. She massaged her left breast in the palm of her hand, and began pinching both nipples, which were already fully erect. She toyed with both breasts, as her mind wondered toward evening

Your story starts out with sex right off the bat, which is usually an effective way to capture the average reader’s eye, but I think you should analyze your sentence structure. It’s very repetitive. Eight of the nine sentences have a simple subject/verb structure. She did this. She did that. She did this. She did that. It makes the paragraph seem very monotonous. Try rearranging things and combining sentences. Here’s what I might do. I inserted a couple of sentences in the middle to break up the “laundry list” of actions.

Sandra moaned loudly as she brought herself to climax. After a moment’s rest, she laid her vibrator on the nightstand beside her bed and dipped her index finger inside her cunt to feel the wetness. How glorious she felt. Her body tingled with sexual satiation. Looking down at her finger, covered with her own milky, white cream, she smiled. Licking and sucking the sweetness from her finger, she massaged her left breast and then began pinching both nipples, which were already fully erect. As she toyed with both breasts, her mind wondered [wandered?] toward [the coming] evening.

She worried tonight would turn out to be a disaster. Could she handle another disappointment in her life? Her break up with Jeff had devastated her. They had been high school sweethearts, soul mates. Destined to be married, or so everyone had thought, including Sandra. Although Jeff was not her first relationship, he had been the first to introduce her to S/m.

I made it say “coming evening,” instead of “evening,” because I thought it clarified her thoughts a little. When I read it the first time I was a little confused. I wasn’t sure what time of day it was when the story opens, and your jump into the past was a little abrupt.

I’d add a qualifying statement to that second sentence, like “Could she handle another disappointment in her life like the one with Jeff? That break-up had devastated her.” I know this is picky, but the way it reads, to me it says that she can’t handle ANY disappointment. It’s only AFTER I read the sentence after it that I understand you’re talking about a MAJOR disappointment. I know that’s a very small distinction, but if you have too many places where your reader is tripped up, you’ll lose them.

She remembered the first time he had grabbed her from behind and over powered her. The excitement that ran through her blood when being taken so roughly; had excited her beyond her dreams. Each sexual encounter Sandra had with Jeff, took her deeper and deeper down that dark path. How she yearned for more [*], until just making love . . . was boring.

“Overpowered” is one word.

Your semi-colon isn’t needed. Neither is the comma after Jeff.

I’d go a little further where I put in the asterisk to build up the drama of that last statement a little. Something like,

How she yearned for more, craving the thrill, the shocking wickedness of it all, until at last she discovered that just making love was… boring.

She recalled looking back now how demanding she had been on Jeff. Always expecting something new to turn her on, needing more, a new scene to play out. How mad and disappointed she got when he just wanted to be romantic and soft with her.

She should have noticed the wedge she was hammering between them. The difference in their desires, but she didn't notice. She was so wrapped up in her own desirers and fantasy's. Jeff would eventually cum and the game would suddenly end. Jeff would be satisfied and happy, while Sandra hungrily wanted more and wished to play longer. It shouldn't have been such a surprise to find Jeff and Kate sleeping together when she dropped by his apartment unexpectedly. Jeff had mentioned Kate to Sandra on several occasions. She knew they were friends from work but she never pay much attention. Somewhere deep down inside, she knew they were drifting apart. She was changing.

Nice image, the wedge hammering.

“Desirers” should be “desires,” “Fantasy’s” should be “fantasies.” An apostrophe indicates possession, not plural. “Pay” should be “paid.”

She never saw or heard from Jeff again after running out of his apartment that day. He didn't even try to explain or apologize to her. What was there to say anyway? It was over. Had been over for a while now. Sandra didn't cry over their breakup.

You said “the break up with Jeff had devastated her,” and they were soulmats, yet she didn’t cry over their breakup. Her behavior is at odds with her emotions. (By the way in one place you spell break up as two words and in another just as one.)

That was three years ago. Time has a way of going on. The hurt fades [faded?] gradually in time but the empty feeling from ending all of the games they played, grew[had grown?]. Once they were too short . . . now they didn't exist. How Sandra missed them.

She dated a lot of men since then. None of them wanted anything more than a quick fuck. She hinted and teased around about being tied up. None picked up on it or if they had, they didn't have the courage to try.

I stop my critique here because this is where it’s just over 500 words. You tried to sneak in an extra 300, you devil you!

Overall, I’m not overly compelled to read on. (Sorry!) While you started out nicely, the story stalls quickly afterward. You’ve fallen into the pitfall that many beginning writers do. You’ve weighed down the beginning of your story with backstory. (Backstory is everything that has happened up to the point where the story starts.)

See if you can figure out a way to dribble in this information about Jeff, etc.

It might perk up the first paragraph if you included what Sandra is thinking about when she’s masturbating.

There’s an old Latin saying (that I can’t recall, of course) that advises writers to “start in the middle.” See if you can find a better place to start your story. I think that actually, when she spies the newspaper is a good place. If you start there and really beef up her emotions and motivation there, then the reader wonders…what IS it that she found? What is in that ad that is so compelling to her? Hopefully they’ll read to find out the answer to that question. Get the action going, and keep it going. Make the reader ask him/herself questions. Don’t stop everything to dump a ton of backstory on the reader. Pacing is important.

That’s about it. I hope that helps.

 

[MagicFingers]

Re: Magic Fingers

First, Thank you. This is a real show, B and B, F W O, on Discovery Health channel, also see health.discovery.com for more. It comes on 4 or 5 days a week here, 1am est. I'm watching it now. I am happy you were intrigued by the premise. I was too, and thought it would be a different way to write. The facts and toys are real items taken from another source, with the names changed. I can see also that it would be hard to continue reading just on these 506 words. However, I wanted it to flow like their real show, which it kinda does. It is an hour show. The sisters really DO refer to each other by first names, since their last names are the name of the show. I wondered what could happen if they were not constrained by the normal censors.

Everything in the opening sections leads up to something that happens in later parts, so it would be hard to remove it.

They really had a show about G-spot orgasms and the Venus Butterfly technique. I know a therapist would know what it is, but she is giving the guest an opening to talk about it, like an interviewer saying, "Tell us how you made that touchdown run, Bubba!" He knows, but wants the guy to talk about it.

And, the PhD in "Physical" science was my little attempt at a pun, of sorts, related to the physicality to come later.

Your other comments, I agree with. I had trouble finding the right words there. Yours are better.

I understand that a hook is needed. I have read a lot about them here. I'll think about that in my future writings.
The story is now released in three parts. If you kept reading past this beginning, I think you would see how it fits and flows. I tried to be careful to have the dialogue in present tense, but narration may not be.

I know it's a little long, but please go read some more of it.
My Stories Listed:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=189183

I feel if someone has seen their show that this would all make perfect sense. Let me know if it sounds better after reading further. "I" think it does get better. Obtw, if this was in ASSM, it could be listed as "F, Mast, F, Mast, FF, MF, FF, Toys, F, Mast, FM, MFF, MF," BUT, it's really not like that! LOL Maybe THAT should be my opening line. That might be a good hook.
Thank you very much for this review. It is a very loving and giving thing you are doing here. We really do appreciate it.

Hey, Magic. I'm intrigued by the premise here of a show. I'm assuming it's a TV show because of the audience and the sex toy props. However, I'm uncertain if this is going to pan out into a story or not. So far (and I admit that the 500 word limit makes it difficult) I'm not too compelled to read the rest. Don't get me wrong. It's not because no one's having sex. I'm just not that enthused about reading the script of a fictional TV show. Nor am I getting very involved in these characters--what makes them tick, why they're going to have sex, etc.

Is this just a prelude to actual sex on the show in front of the audience? Do they go off camera eventually so that we readers can experience more than their somewhat stiff television personas?

I'm going to assume that beyond these first 500 words, something exciting happens. In the meantime, I'll go through what's here.

Sherman and Sherman
Only For Women
(Removed this, to make this reply shorter)

Well, I guess that's all. I know 500 words isn't much. I do that on purpose. First, it keeps me from getting bogged down. Second, it forces the writer to focus minutely on the beginning of their story. On the Internet, it's extremely easy for a reader to backclick and find something else to read. If you don't hook them right away, you might lose them.

As it stands, I'm still waiting for something to happen. You should think about a way to pick up the pace, otherwise I fear you aren't going to get too many people who stick with this to the end.

Perhaps you can tell me the gist of the rest of it and I can make more specific suggestions on how to spice this up.
I hope this was helpful.

 

[Whispersecret]

mojo_cat

Mojo_cat

Living Dead

We sit in our house on the hill, and we look at each other and smile. We have been married now seven years, and we are strangers.

I change the CD in the stereo and he nods appreciatively. I kiss him on the forehead and he pats my arm, and I remember when he would kiss me and I could hardly wait to wrap myself around him.

But we are married now, and we sit in our house on the hill and live our empty life together. There are no more casually comfortable moments, as when we were first married, and we would watch the idiot noise of television, our legs twined together like pretzels as we sat transfixed. There are no more sudden outbursts of laughter, when some innocent remark would become the object of our delicious ridicule.

There are no more mornings, as when I was out of work, and would get up with him at six o'clock to make a pot of coffee and iron his clothes as we listened to the oldies station, good old soul music. We'd talk, laugh or just sit and think what idiots we were to be up so early.

We were idiots. But we were happy.

I suppose I'm happy: I have a job again, and he is a solid citizen, a provider and a help with the housework. But on lazy Sunday afternoons, we sit in our house on the hill and there is no real love in the mote-speckled sunlight bath of a room.

I sit in this room and I feel like an old woman, and damn it, I'm only twenty-nine. There's plenty of life in me; I want to talk like we used to, and drink wine and listen to the music we used to listen to. Since I got married I've become a connoisseur of easy listening pop garbage.

I think lovingly of an old mix tape we used to love; we'd dance to it, sing each other the lyrics; or just hold on and be glad someone else was there.

I go up to our bedroom and dig through the box marked "living room". When we moved into our house on the hill we packed up all of our excess baggage, and we still haven't gotten around to unpacking a lot of it. We bought newer, nicer furniture, and CD's(no apostrophe here) to replace our muffled old tapes.

The tape is here, on the bottom of the cardboard flap, hidden. The glare reflects off the plastic cover like a flashlight. I pick it up, gingerly, softly; almost as though I'm afraid it will burn me with the heat of remembered passions.

If something is hot, you don’t pick it up softly. Gingerly is okay.

I realize age is making me a cheese ball. I used to laugh at women like this. I have lost touch with a lot more than my marital partner.

I don’t know what you mean by cheese ball. I picture a nut-crusted sphere of party cheese, but don’t see how this applies to this woman.

This realization makes me sad, and I snatch the tape up and run to the stereo in our living room. He hardly even looks up, assuming that as always, everything is under control. I place the tape in, rewind. I wait and listen to his breathing and the saccharine sweetness of the CD that is already playing.

While unusual, your use of present tense doesn’t bother me. I think it works.

I am not sure as to the significance of the house on the hill. The use of the repetition puzzles me and starts to become bothersome. I feel like there’s an inside meaning that I’m not being let in on.

There are some phrases here that are lovely…the idiot noise of television, some innocent remark would become the object of our delicious ridicule, as though I'm afraid it will burn me with the heat of remembered passions. (You did use the word idiot just a bit later. Be sure you want to do that.)

I scanned the rest of the piece, and it’s poignant, but I do feel a little like you were trying to hard to make me feel something. It could just totally be me. Call me shallow, but when I read, or go see movies, for that matter, I like to be entertained. I avoid depressing movies AND depressing stories. In fact, I just finished reading an excellent book and was very upset to find out that it was a tragedy, and that had I read the cover flap more carefully I could have been forewarned. As it was, I kept hoping things were going to work out all right. Anyway, while I didn’t “like” it, it was well written, in my opinion.

 

[mojo_cat]

thanks much

i thought the ending was kind of up, myself...but maybe i'm just weird that way.

i wrote this when i was 16, and i've kept it for this long just because there were a few phrases and such i liked..plus, i wanted to know if i'd really ever feel that way when i was 29. five more years to go to find out.

the house on the hill is a metaphor for their isolation. both from the lives they used ot live and form one another. i thought it was overly obvious as metaphors go..it's nice to know that's one thing i didn't beat into the ground.

thanks for your input, it is very much appreciated. oh, and the cheeseball thing is a reference to being cheesy..i felt that "the heat of remembered passions" was a little breathy when i wrote it, but i wanted ot leave i tin, so i had her feel a little bit of stupid for being such an emotional twit.

like i said, i was 16. and you're right about the overuse of "idiot", too, i never noticed it before.

have a great day

 

[Whispersecret]

LongCandi

Weekend Getaway Day 01
by LongCandi ©

People who think that your first name does not help determine your fate are invariably named Bill or John or Mary. They are safely anonymous behind their plain vanilla name (names, plural?) and never have the world prejudge them or pigeon hole them based on their parent's whim alone. But take it from me, Candi - a name can dictate how others first perceive you and sway their ultimate treatment of you.

-I’d also beg to differ. I’d bet that women named Mary are prejudged, but in the opposite direction. Maybe you should amend your statement to reflect that perhaps a name like Candi invites a different prejudice than does Agatha.

I would like to think that my parents had some fascination with Voltaire and shortened the outdated Candide for my sake – but I know better. It was the early 70s in America and my parents were rebellious (let us say with a wink), so they functioned within the barely socially acceptable boundaries of that freer time. "Candy" was a euphemism for any number of now heavily illegal substances that constituted their realm of pleasure and undoubtedly I was the result of one such night of intense pleasure. I'm sure they thought it cute to name me Candi. They thought of it as the ultimate inside joke (which proves how wasted they must have been at the time). Don't get me wrong. I love my parents and appreciate all that they have done for me. But the name they placed upon my head in 1972 has moved my life in ways that they could never have predicted.

The first parenthetical phrase is slightly awkward. I’d consider taking it out. I don’t think it’s necessary. The second one you can take out of the parentheses and just precede with a comma.

This paragraph is a somewhat effective hook. I’m slightly curious to see what ways the name moved her/your life. But is there a way to tweak that curiosity even more? Is there a more active verb you could use other than “moved?” Maybe the name was a ticket to a sordid/racy/exciting/adventurous life they probably never intended for you. Give the reader more of a hint of what may come, even if it’s fairly obvious.

I suppose it didn't help any that I also (Do you need the word “also?” I didn’t catch where you mentioned something else you’d inherited.) inherited my mother's beautiful features and (eventually) her somewhat intriguing figure. The world looked at me, heard the name Candi and immediately wrote me off as an air-head, an object, a thing. The jokes began early and never stopped through grammar school and high school. I was "sweet to look at", I would "melt in your mouth", and I gave wonderful "Hershey kisses". Even when I couldn't hear the particular comment made by a group of leering guys, I knew from their raucous laughter what they were talking about.

I’d delete the parenthetical again. It confused me briefly. I thought at first Mom’s figure eventually became intriguing. Then after thinking about it more I realized that Candi’s figure eventually became like her mother’s. It’s best to avoid little stumbling blocks like that. They take the reader out of the story. Clarity, always.

I think airhead might be one word.

I think that the verbal jibes are good and tell a lot about what she went through, but consider SHOWING us this instead. (I’ll assume you’ve heard the old writer’s adage, “Show, don’t tell.) What if you show us Candi somewhere overhearing someone making just such a crack or in a conversation with the barista at Starbucks or wherever. Because so far, your story is all narrative. (See more about this down below.)

Even boyfriends couldn't resist the temptation of wooing me with their puns and commercial take-offs. Each of them would use the same tired lines and look at me as if I should marvel at their unique wit and intelligence. I learned to smile weakly lest they be crushed but their lack of novelty always weighed heavily against them. I learned to appreciate anyone who would get past my name on first being introduced which is why I became so attracted to my future husband, Jim, when we were introduced. Somehow without talking about it, he knew how my name had dictated so much of my life. He never mentioned it (and god, that was refreshing because even people who didn't make fun of it, ALWAYS wanted to talk about my name). It wasn't until much later – after I was totally in love with him and I think he was in love with me – that he finally verbalized any recognition of the burden I had to bear. One night he started calling me his "Joy" and it stuck as a pet name. He used it in passing and he occasionally used it while making love to me. I came to love it as well – and much later he ventured the origins of the name. He said I reminded him of an Almond Joy because I was "indescribably delicious". It was his first candy reference but it was very subtle and, yes, it was very sweet – pun intended.

“I learned to appreciate anyone who would get past my name on first being introduced which is why I became so attracted to my future husband, Jim, when we were introduced.” I’m not sure if you noticed this double use of the word “introduced.”

All right, maybe it’s just me, but I’m starting to get a tad bored. (Sorry!) When is the story going to actually START? When is something going to happen? Someone needs to talk to someone or do something. It’s not set in stone, but in general, it’s not a good idea to weigh down a story with a lot of backstory/history at the beginning. Is there a way we can see something active happening? Look forward in your story to where the first action happens (and I’m not just talking about sexual action.) You can always insert this info about how Candi and Jim met within a scene between them. Take the time to find places where this kind of history can be blended into a scene.

You may notice that I didn’t critique all of the chunk you pasted in the other thread. It was WAY over 500 words. This chunk was 577.

All in all, you’ve got a good handle on mechanics, except for the parentheticals, which I’d keep a tight rein on, if I were you. The wit and style of the narrative is effective in countering the connotations of the name Candi. My main beef would be the heavy backstory. If you can remedy this problem, I’d say you had a great beginning.

I hope this helps!

 

[DarlingNikki]

greedy me

Hi Whispersecret - your last feedback was very helpful and I was wondering if you are still sticking to the one per customer rule...?

Nikki

 

[Whispersecret]

I'm still three people behind, Nik. Let me catch up first.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Hey, take your time. You're doing all of us a great favor. Actually it's been extremely helpful just to read your critiques of other people's work. I understand if you won't be able to do it, but I had to try

 

[Whispersecret]

Batchman's turn

Let me first apologize to everyone for taking so long to get back to this thread. Even though I did say that I couldn't promise any quick turnarounds, I think two months is rather extreme. I can only say that my offline writing was demanding all of my time. I'm going to see if I can catch up tonight. Now, on with the critiques.

Batchman, I don’t have any major problems with your excerpt. It’s not horrid, nor is it stellar. I find myself feeling neutral after reading it. There’s no glaring lack of style or mistake that’s going to make me back click, but neither is there enough umph here to make me want to read more. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a suggestion to electrify this beginning, but I’m coming up blank. I’m sorry. I feel like I’m letting you down. Maybe someone else reading this will have a suggestion.

Carrie woke up that morning to find her panties were damp. "Damn that Max," she thought. Her husband's explicit, thorough description of his plans for her that day had given her erotic dreams of a nature she rarely experienced. Vivid dreams, full of rich visual images and sounds, complete with delightfully arousing physical sensations and smells. It was as though she had already lived the day once and was going to experience a slightly different version.

FYI, many stories start with people waking up and remembering the erotic dream they just had.

I’m not sure why she’s damning her husband. Personally, I love a good erotic dream. Plus, as I read farther down, he’s still home to do something about her predicament.

I’d delete either “explicit” or “thorough.” Using both is a little redundant. Same with “visual images.” Images are inherently visual.

She could still feel Dream Max's hands sensually stroking her breasts, her arms, her stomach. She could still feel them, strong yet gentle, lazily finding their way to her erogenous zones as she excitedly anticipated their delicate touch on her most sensitive areas. She could still feel the cat tail seated firmly in her ass, the light playing off of the velvety material as she swished it back and forth. She could still feel the feline teeth in her mouth, the whiskers firmly yet painlessly seated under her nose, the velvety cat ears perched atop her head.

Try to cut down on your adverbs. Shoot for more on-target verbs. (Like “perched” in the last sentence.) It makes for much tighter writing. For instance, I’d keep “lazily” and dump the rest. You use “firmly” twice. (Same with “seated.”) Not sure why it’s important to tell that the pasted on whiskers were painless.

Sometimes repetition is a good way to emphasize, but here, the “still feel” thing is too much, I think.

She felt as though she was still recovering from the many orgasms she had had in her dreams. She tried to slow her quick breathing, to relax her racing pulse, to clear her mind of the exotic images still whirling inside. She tried to will her erect nipples to lie down, her fiery pussy to dissipate its volcanic heat. "Damn that Max."

I’m jealous of this woman. I always wake up short of the orgasms!

"Mornin' beautiful," Max called as he entered their bedroom. "Looks like you slept pretty well last night. I thought for sure you were going to wake up when I dropped that plate. Did you wear yourself out yesterday?" By this time Carrie was sitting on the edge of the bed, taking off her nightgown. Max saw her erect nipples and then the large wet spot on her panties. "Or just have a five-star dream?"

Just how is Carrie sitting? With her legs wide open? Ain’t no way he’d see a wet spot on her panties otherwise…

Also, there should be a comma after "mornin" because he's addressing her.

Carrie felt her face burn magenta with embarrassment. Max had a gift for knowing exactly what was going on with her just by glancing at her. It was as though, in a split second, no more time than it took to breathe in, Max could enter through the still blue ponds of her eyes and enter her soul, fathoming the deepest reaches of her inner being.

That last sentence is awkward, what with you using “enter” twice. It’s a tricky thing you’re trying to convey, but the idea is worth the effort it will take to reword it. Perhaps if you substitute “read” for the second “enter?”

"It's all your fault, you know," she chided him. "You didn't have to be so specific with the details."

Should be just “chide,” not “chided him.”

"What better way to get you excited about today? I've got a surprise for you. We're going to start early." He pulled a studded collar from behind his back and showed it to her. She lifted her long blonde hair off of her neck and let him buckle the collar around her throat. "Is kitty ready for some breakfast?"

Since he’s using the word “kitty” as a substitute for a name for her, it should be capitalized. Then again, if we’re talking dominant/submissive and the kitty is submissive… I don’t know. I suppose it’s your call. I don’t know the genre this story is aimed for.

She made a contented purring noise and said, "Kitty is starved." I’d start a new paragraph here. She stood up and took off her panties. She reached for the dresser drawer to get a clean pair but Max stopped her.

"I said we're going to start early today. You can get dressed tomorrow."

That last sentence confuses me. I THINK he means that they're going to play around all day and so she won't have a chance to get dressed until tomorrow, but that doesn't explain the reference to starting early. Maybe it would make more sense to me if I kept reading. But I DID keep you to 500 words, so fair's fair.

I still can't think of a way to pump this up, but hopefully my comments were helpful anyway. Best of luck with your writing.

 

[Whispersecret]

neonurotic

Neonurotic, I swear I read this before, sometime, somewhere. I suppose it doesn’t matter, but it seems familiar.

Route 66

Caden lay in bed while he idly watched the wind whip the sheer curtain on an open double-French door. The breeze carried the scent of blooming honeysuckle and a hint of rain yet to come. He glanced at the engagement ring on the nightstand beside him. Afternoon sunlight hit the ring then the diamond captured the sun, refracted the light like a prism, and twinkled dazzlingly. Caden frowned, reached over and snapped the velvet ring box closed.

This is really picky, but I’d change “while he idly watched,” to “idly watching.” It just flows better to me that way.

This is a nice image. Not the grabbiest beginning I’ve ever read, but I’ll assume you’re setting a relaxed, romantic tone which is fine.

Diamonds ARE prisms, aren’t they?

"Sylvia, you know, you just ruined a great moment." He said resentfully. She responded by wrapping an arm around his bare waist, snuggled close to him (delete to him?) and molded her naked body against (to?) his. "How long have we known one another Syl? Five? Six years?"

How did she ruin the moment? By entering the room? By seeing the ring or the box? I’m a tad confused.

I think you want snuggling and molding here, otherwise your sentence doesn’t read correctly. Comma after another because he’s addressing her. Whenever someone addresses someone else by a name or nickname, you separate the comment from the name/nickname. Hi, honey. Look for this error in the rest of your writing. It shows up many times in this 500 words.

Also, you’d do well to brush up on punctuating dialogue. It should be: ”Sylvia, you know you just ruined a great moment,” he said resentfully.
If the attributive (he/she said) comes after the quote, you have a comma inside the quotation marks and a small letter for the attributive. Find the rest of these mistakes too.

"I was nineteen, you were twenty-five." She said breathing hot, moist breath on the nape of his neck. "Six years Caden, (Period here instead of a comma. You’re starting a new sentence here -->) I think that I should be insulted that you can't remember." She nipped him between the shoulder blades with her sharp teeth, which made his prick twitch.

I like that last sentence.

Caden squirmed and rolled over to face her. "Bare Should be bear in mind, I'm male. My sex is notorious for forgetting details like that." He said twisting a strand of her dark, fiery hair around his finger. "That's why men like me need women like you to marry us so that you can remind us of such things."

"Is that so?"

"Definitely."

Sylvia smirked. "Good god Cade, give a girl a chance to think all this over will you? You're asking me to give up my wicked ways."

He tugged lightly on her hair. "This I know." Cade said with a warm smile. "That's the point darlin'."

"Well then babe, go to Portland, do your photo shoot, and by the time you come back home to Shreveport I'll be ready to give you an answer."

He rolled his eyes in response. "Oh and by the way Cade, don't forget to take my sister along for the ride," He mimicked her voice jokingly. "As Sarah's simply too terrified of flying."

This sentence has a comma where a period should be, and I think there’s a more natural place to insert the attributive: "Oh and by the way, Cade,” he said, mimicking her voice, “don't forget to take my sister along for the ride, as Sarah's simply too terrified of flying."

"Well she is Cade." Sylvia giggled. "Besides that, my twin can keep an eye on you." She said more seriously to which was a stinging reminder to him of his past infidelities.

That last sentence is really awkward. You should think about rewording it.

"Okay, fine" He agreed with a sobering look of his own. "Once I'm back I expect an answer." Sylvia nodded her approval of his terms, but he knew that she already had her mind made up. He knew she would tell him no. Caden rolled onto his back, pulling her with him where she straddled him. He felt her bare warmth and his cock grew hard in wanting her.

"In the mean time how about a little somethin'-somethin' for the road?" He said, temporarily forgetting his sadness because at the moment, physical gratification was the only thing on his mind and he could visit unhappiness later.

"But of course baby." Sylvia purred, spit into her palm, lubed him up and slid herself easily onto him. "I love fucking you." She sighed moving up and down on him.

I notice that you almost never have an attributive without some additional descriptive phrase tacked on. It feels tedious to me. He can’t say something without also forgetting his sadness. She can’t sigh without you also adding that she’s moving up and down on him. Think about separating these phrases into their own sentences. I think it’ll make for cleaner writing.

I can already predict what’s going to happen, but maybe because I’ve read far too much smut and feel like I’ve seen it all. Or it could be because I still think I read this before, but I’m not sure. Either way, you may not want to be too predictable with the Cade fucking the twin thing. Maybe if you tone down the hints a little the reader might enjoy it more. Most people like it better when they don’t know everything that’s going to happen ahead of time.

I hope this helps!

 

[Guest]

Thanks.

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to critique this.

I have already completed the story, posted it under the E & V category, and it has done nicely at the the top. Although, now I wish I hadn't jumped the gun and posted once I read this critique. I'm glad I can always go back and revise it. It well make better story if I do.

Yes, the twin thing you've probably read before and over. You have not read this any where else WS, unless of course you've voyeured my perverted brain. I have added my own little twist and fullfilled my own twin fantasy. Now, I can move on to the next clichéd smut story line.

Thanks again.

|neonurotic|

 

[batchman]

Whispersecret,

First let me apologize for not posting sooner. This month's been so crazy I haven't had much time to visit the forums.

Thanks so much for your comments. They will be a big help in editing the story. Although I'm a beginning writer, I don't want that to be obvious to the audience.

As far as the beginning, that may be easier to punch up as I work on the rest of it. Heck, this beginning may not wind up being the final beginning. All depends how the story is massaged and reshaped, yes?

Thanks again for your comments and your time.