The Doms true calling

[bettiboop]

I'm a sub and very much a newbie. It was a side I knew I had but never explored until recently.

On the flip side my work life has always been exactly the opposite. I was a casualty nurse with life and death in my hands. An absolutely essential part of my job was to lead patients, relatives and sometimes colleagues with an aura of perpetual competence and total control. This I could do and I was good at it. If I felt out of my depth and projected my own insecurity onto a patient I always felt wretched. In this way I understand that the demand on a dom to be in control and consistent in his expectations must be a tough one and often very draining.

I now co-own a media company which is just as stressful in its own way because there is no-one above me to take responsibility for any decision I make.

Its partly this that makes my sub side such a release, such a total liberation and I am so grateful for it. I know I put the same pressures on a dom that I have every day. It makes the whole thing that much more special and valuable to me.

 

[QuietlyMakingNoise]

I'm a sub and very much a newbie. It was a side I knew I had but never explored until recently.

On the flip side my work life has always been exactly the opposite. I was a casualty nurse with life and death in my hands. An absolutely essential part of my job was to lead patients, relatives and sometimes colleagues with an aura of perpetual competence and total control. This I could do and I was good at it. If I felt out of my depth and projected my own insecurity onto a patient I always felt wretched. In this way I understand that the demand on a dom to be in control and consistent in his expectations must be a tough one and often very draining.

I now co-own a media company which is just as stressful in its own way because there is no-one above me to take responsibility for any decision I make.

Its partly this that makes my sub side such a release, such a total liberation and I am so grateful for it. I know I put the same pressures on a dom that I have every day. It makes the whole thing that much more special and valuable to me.

Bettiboop,

Thank you for your post.

It is said, that the longest and most meaningful journeys in life, all begin the same way; with the first step. Congratulations in taking that first step – enjoy the journey, for it is amazingly enlightening.

I find your comments very interesting. you, as a submissive, take all the experience from your life and experience of being in control to make the judgment that you are a submissive. On a different blog (http://360.yahoo.com/master_n_mentor) I explore both the submissive and the Dominant. You are welcome to visit it.

What I get from you, is that your inner strength helps you in your job (both old and new) and that from that strength of character, you make the choice to be submissive. The question for me is: what characteristics do you seek in the Dominant that you’ll give the gift of your submission? This posting explores opinions about the things that are (or should be???) in a Dom.

At the end of an essay I posted on Literotica I challenge Submissives to explore their commitment – the way I did as a Dominant – to the D/s lifestyle and to their submission. Perhaps you’d find it useful to get a glimpse into my thinking, as well (http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=242258)

God bless, and be well

 

[bettiboop]

Thanks for your comments. I looked up your essay and really enjoyed reading it.

You are right in that a submissive needs to be strong willed. I think from what I've read that it's essential in staying safe during BDSM. Just as the Dominant has to respect boundaries agreed by the sub, she also needs to have the strength of character to step out of her role and voice complaint if she is genuinely unhappy with something. I know of nilla women who have been coerced into sex acts that a self-assured submissive would never have allowed herself to be if they were against her wishes. It also falls into the comments you made about consistancy and appropriate punishment as a sub should not be punished for voicing genuine concerns or refusing to do something not pre-agreed.

For me the relationship is one of respect. I have to respect the Dom as a person in order to submit to him sexually. Probably for this reason I'm not generally attracted to younger men, for example - the respect just isn't there. Along with that goes the trust and everything else grows. I really admire your dedication to your role as Dominant and to your wife.

You're also right in that I know from having to be in control in other aspects of my life that sexually that I have a deep need to be dominated. I always had submissive fantasies, right from puberty onwards but felt like a freak as we all do in our teens. I had quite a traditional religious upbringing too, which may or may not have reinforced my perception of women as submissive to men. It is very much a conscious decision though and in being submissive I am wonderfully fulfilled. I do not feel weak or oppressed, I can get up and walk away and become a dominatrix tomorrow if I choose to. I choose not to; it's simply not in my make-up.

What do I seek in a dominant? I seek someone who is as committed to his role as I am to mine. Who sees what I need from him and acts in my best interests at all times. Within the boundaries of respect I seek an open dialogue and to be able to confess all my desires and fears to him. I seek a man who will take the time to learn me and my responses as I learn him and his requirements. Who will reward my obedience and progress, punish my transgressions fairly and walk away from me completely before he ever raises a hand in genuine rage. For this reason I think that keeping a tally for later punishment is a good idea - it removes mistakes that are made in the heat of a moment. I seek a man who will stop instantly on hearing or seeing a safe sign and take the time to find out why I felt unhappy. Who will discuss new activities and boundary pushing before we get carried away.

You are right in that none of this is simple and the Dom has the potential to get it wrong at times. Nobody's perfect of course. I don't want much do I?

 

[Temptress_lee]

Wow this is a pretty interesting topic. I think all of you pretty nailed it in terms of what it means to be a good leader, folllower, and dominant.

As a whole in my life I make a better follower. I can't function very well on my own unless I know what i'm supposed to be doing. Rather it's in the work place, at home, or in the bedroom. I tend to be more motivated to do things with my life when I know that there is someone there helping me and motivating me to be all that I can be.

For the most part I knew maybe one guy who was an excellent Dom in the bedroom. He was so comfortable with himself. No insecurites, no hang-ups, or hurts. He had achieved most of his goals. He knew were he was headed in life. He wasn't afraid to tell me how things were at this point in his life. And although we never had sex. How he made me feel, brought me alot more pleasure then any other guy I'd actually slept with.

And he had a way of talking to me that would instantly get me to obey him.

Alot of guys let their anger, and ego get in the way when it comes to control in the bedroom. They dismiss the fact that in order to be a good Dom it's not just about making yourself feel good, it's about making your sub feel good too. It's like when your growing up with your parents. Your more likely to listen to them, and have respect for them when they can follow you in a loving, and respectful way. Yes at times you screw up, and they have to punish you but they wouldn't be doing those things if they didn't love you.

But when they learn from their mistakes, they get rewards too. And this is what pleases a leader/parent/or even Dom. The fact that your rewards, are making the submissive feel good. True at times you want your Sub to please you, and it means alot when they do but for a Dom the ultimate fourm of satisfaction comes from knowing that your leadership, and your way of doing things has brought them great pleasure.

Sorry if I was rambling. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Masters_Falcon]

I am a sub.. but once long ago before I met my Master I found my place in the world as a Domme... the only thing I can say is there is no one right way to be a Dom/me but there are many wrong ways. It matters not what others think as long as you and your sub are happy with it. That... and that alone is the true way to D/s... the happiness of both sides.

 

[QuietlyMakingNoise]

I am a sub.. but once long ago before I met my Master I found my place in the world as a Domme... the only thing I can say is there is no one right way to be a Dom/me but there are many wrong ways. It matters not what others think as long as you and your sub are happy with it. That... and thatalone is the true way to D/s... the happiness of both sides.

Masters_falcon, I could not agree with you more. The Dom/me and sub must find that which works for them and never stop the journey that takes both of Y/you there.

The point I was making is that a Dom/me has certain responsibilities in their role in the relationship, and that loosing control just adds difficulties to the relationship and attacks the basic trust the Dom/me has developed with the submissive in their relationship.

I welcome your continued input…

 

[Kajira Callista]

Masters_falcon, I could not agree with you more. The Dom/me and sub must find that which works for them and never stop the journey that takes both of Y/you there.

The point I was making is that a Dom/me has certain responsibilities in their role in the relationship, and that loosing control just adds difficulties to the relationship and attacks the basic trust the Dom/me has developed with the submissive in their relationship.

I welcome your continued input…

can you define losing control for me?

 

[QuietlyMakingNoise]

can you define losing control for me?

In this thread I’m talking specifically about the Dom/me’s control of “self”. Let me add to that by saying that there are many ways that the Dom/me can loose control. The example I’ll give is that of a submissive that tests the Dom/me in some way that gets the Dom/me so angry that S/He looses control and acts irrationally. In my opinion such a loss of self control has a lasting negative consequence on the submissive. she may – and in most cases does – loose trust in her Dom/me.

To me it is different when a Dom/me finds a submissive’s transgression offensive enough to discipline her. That comes with the territory. But, if the Dom/me looses control the action may be completely inappropriate and do damage to the Dom/me – sub relationship.

Does that answer your question? Please let me know if it does not, and I’ll try a different approach to explaining what I mean.

 

[QuietlyMakingNoise]

Alot of guys let their anger, and ego get in the way when it comes to control in the bedroom. They dismiss the fact that in order to be a good Dom it's not just about making yourself feel good, it's about making your sub feel good too.

You make good points, Temptress_lee. I highlight this section of your comment as part of defining what I mean about loosing control. There is the anger you talk about which I addressed a little earlier as a form of loosing control. Allow me to use this reply to add one more way of loosing control that is part of the topic at hand.

If a Dom begins to only think of Himself (and by no means am I immune to the loss of blood from the brain behind my nose when all the blood rushes to the brain between my legs) and lets his groin guide the scene for Him then he has lost control as well. He has put his basic instincts ahead of the needs of His sub and that tends to diminish trust and with it the relationship. I'm not saying that if it happened once in a while it would not bring pleasure to her as well as Him. But if it becomes the rule rather than the exception, then He has lost control of self (or never had it) and that's the problem I'm addressing here.

Hope this makes sense, and as always I welcome feedback and debate on the issue.

be well

 

[QuietlyMakingNoise]

For me the relationship is one of respect. I have to respect the Dom as a person in order to submit to him sexually.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T it is the foundation upon which a BDSM D/s or M/s relationship is built upon. Without it, there can be no trust. Without trust how can you allow your horizons and boundries to expand?

On a different site, I postulated that the BDSM lifestyle is built upon steps such as:

1) Conversation - just talking of casual things

then you move up to the next level...

2) Communication - going deeper into the personal and important issues.

then again, you can move up to the next level...

3) Trust

then once again you're able to move up to the next level

4) Respect

Now you can adequately explore BDSM and the expansion of your own boundries.

Thanks for the opportunity to continue this conversation

be well

 

[CharleyH]

Looking to explore more deeply what the true power center of the Dom is, I have opinions based on my own life, but would like to explore and debate it further here.

I have not read other answers, but I think a dom/me in context of safe, safe and consensual must realize they are a sub first and formost.

 

[QuietlyMakingNoise]

I have not read other answers, but I think a dom/me in context of safe, safe and consensual must realize they are a sub first and formost.

I have read, and re-read your post and I'm not sure what your point is. Is it that a Dom/me is a submissive? Or is it, that through the negotiation - the giving of power to the Dom/me by the sub - makes the Dom/me submissive to the agreement between the two?

Please elaborate further.

Thanks, and be well

 

[Masters_Falcon]

I have read, and re-read your post and I'm not sure what your point is. Is it that a Dom/me is a submissive? Or is it, that through the negotiation - the giving of power to the Dom/me by the sub - makes the Dom/me submissive to the agreement between the two?

Please elaborate further.

Thanks, and be well

I think that might be what she means, after all between a Dom/me and sub if the sub gives the Dom/me no power or trust there is no Dom/me. Hence the one really in control of the relationship is... the sub. If the sub ceases to trust the Dom/me and s/he always has the right to remove him/herself from the Dom/me control. Unless of course you are speaking of an abusive non consensual relationship where someone who calls him/herself a Dom/me forces a person into the role of a submissive, which is all to often the case in some relationships.