The emotional side of sharing

[Lifestyle66]

I guess I should have provided some post nut clarity.

I have little doubt it will work for you, at least I believe there is a greater chance it won’t work for her and she doesn’t have any interest in it. Not all women want to be a porn star.

If this happens, the normal will be you quietly fantasizing about her fucking other guys and her being content just fucking you.

Ah, but my point is that once they've done it in reality, his fantasies are no longer just about her fucking other guys. He'll have very real memories of her with a specific guy from that experience. And any time she closes her eyes during sex with her husband, he'll have to wonder what she's seeing in her mind: him or that other guy?

Then all it will take is some argument between the husband and wife, even unrelated to sex, and the doubts and insecurities might take over.

If they never do it again, their new "normal" might be one of doubts, insecurities, and possibly unspoken accusations.

Extra-marital sex can be fraught with emotional hang-ups for most people, because most have been raised to think of sex as one of those taboo areas which should wait until marriage, or have an "ownership" exclusive rights issue when dating or after marriage. And even many of those who overcome the emotional barriers as swingers often find other insecurities surfacing when one or the other of a couple enjoys themselves too much.

Some couples I know who enjoy that sharing lifestyle successfully BOTH enjoy seeing their own spouse having fun with it. But throw in any narcissistic leaning in one of them or performance problem or self-doubt in the other, and it's only a matter of time before the pressure builds to a breaking point between them.

 

[LunaBee]

My wife and I openly discuss bringing a third party into the bedroom and both bisexual mmf and her playing with another guy alone play a big part in our fantasy play together.

Currently though, we’re still in fantasy land and are aware that crossing the line into reality may well bring with it some negative emotional complications.

We are mid fifties and been together 35+ years. We are pretty solid as a couple, although there has been infidelity and associated hurt in our distant past.

I’m aware that cheating is totally different to playing with permission, so the associated feelings are bound to be different. That said though, we’re still massively emotionally connected and it can’t not have an impact on the dynamic.

With this in mind I’d really like to hear from couples who play, how you’ve handled the emotional side of sharing your partner sexually.

There is a huge emotional side to this lifestyle. Not too many people take that into account when considering making some of these fantasies into realities. I've always thought threesomes are a great way to test those waters. Setting up a threesome with a third neutral partner will show you what you feel about someone else being there as well as how you feel about watching your partner with someone else. It's all fun and games as a naughty fantasy in the bedroom or with toys but reality does not always go so well for everyone.

That being said the reasons and motivation for anyone getting involved like this is going to be a bit different and personal to them.

 

[agedmac]

I think one can over-plan and make it......well, too prescribed. She admitted to me as my sex drive began to slow that her's was NOT. I was shocked that she said it and then she discussed a boss that was about to leave the company and that he had been hitting on her. I said that she can't do it unless I approve. She looked at me and bit her lower lip......'uh, too late' she said. I was upset and left the house for awhile. When I got home, there were signs for me to go upstairs in our bedroom. Where I found her naked and playing with herself. I said something silly and she just smiled and said, very softly.......fuck me and I'll describe everything he did to me........... when your cock slides inside her soaked and lovely pussy as she described how he took her rough and hard and I was shooting inside her....... what a beginning

 

[Katch123]

Unfortunitly for you she disregarded your boundary and did it anyway, she probably had already fucked her boss long, long ago before he was leaving the company. There was no point to telling you now except to see your reaction.

Letting you fuck her while she tells you everything he did to her, that's just the participation trophy. If you like that kind of thing, great you can look forward to more of it.

My reaction would be to start throwing her shit out the window, front door whatever. I might even put lighter fluid on the pile and set it on fire.

Personally trust and respect, if I can't trust you and you don't respect me and vice versa then we're just fuck buddies.

 

[littlecordelera]

I have never understood the whole idea of monogamy. To me, love and sex are mutually exclusive. But more than that, if my husband wanted to leave me because he experienced better sex with someone else, I would help him pack. Because that would mean he measures the quality of our marriage based on the quality of our sex. Any spouse who is that shallow I would say, good riddance. There are plenty of fish out there.

I think the bigger issue is that very few people really think about what love is. Very few can explain why they love someone. Too many people say things like "he makes me happy," but that's a mistake. No one can make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. And so if we don't know why we love someone, then extramarital sex becomes a threat.

So if you are a married couple considering the idea of adding others to your sex life, and that idea is a bit scary, I think you first need to decide why it feels scary. What are you worried might happen?

1. Are you worried that your spouse might experience better sex with the other person? That is likely, just because of the fact that it is a new person. Is that a threat to your marriage? Does that make you jealous?

2. Are you worried that your spouse might fall in love and leave you? Forget the sex, what's to stop that from happening in any walk of life?

Maybe I'm weird, but I'm never going to fall in love with a guy just because he's good in bed. And I'm never going to fall out of love with a guy just because he's not. I don't mean to sound flippant, but if sex is all you have to bring to the table, I'm not interested.

So if you and your spouse are considering adding another, I think you absolutely need to understand the foundations of your relationship first. Every couple needs to understand that, but I doubt very many do. Life has a way of sweeping us along, and we never take time to stop and think.

 

[whenagain]

I have never understood the whole idea of monogamy. To me, love and sex are mutually exclusive. But more than that, if my husband wanted to leave me because he experienced better sex with someone else, I would help him pack. Because that would mean he measures the quality of our marriage based on the quality of our sex. Any spouse who is that shallow I would say, good riddance. There are plenty of fish out there.

I think the bigger issue is that very few people really think about what love is. Very few can explain why they love someone. Too many people say things like "he makes me happy," but that's a mistake. No one can make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. And so if we don't know why we love someone, then extramarital sex becomes a threat.

So if you are a married couple considering the idea of adding others to your sex life, and that idea is a bit scary, I think you first need to decide why it feels scary. What are you worried might happen?

1. Are you worried that your spouse might experience better sex with the other person? That is likely, just because of the fact that it is a new person. Is that a threat to your marriage? Does that make you jealous?

2. Are you worried that your spouse might fall in love and leave you? Forget the sex, what's to stop that from happening in any walk of life?

Maybe I'm weird, but I'm never going to fall in love with a guy just because he's good in bed. And I'm never going to fall out of love with a guy just because he's not. I don't mean to sound flippant, but if sex is all you have to bring to the table, I'm not interested.

So if you and your spouse are considering adding another, I think you absolutely need to understand the foundations of your relationship first. Every couple needs to understand that, but I doubt very many do. Life has a way of sweeping us along, and we never take time to stop and think.

Do you think though, you may have a bit more confidence in this arena than others?

 

[littlecordelera]

Do you think though, you may have a bit more confidence in this arena than others?

whenagain, I saw your comment earlier today, and I've thought about it a lot. Maybe I do have more confidence, but I don't know why that would be. I guess I just wasn't born with the jealously gene. It's something I find very difficult to understand.

 

[whenagain]

whenagain, I saw your comment earlier today, and I've thought about it a lot. Maybe I do have more confidence, but I don't know why that would be. I guess I just wasn't born with the jealously gene. It's something I find very difficult to understand.

That’s fair.

I think a lot of jealousy and anger roots in insecurity, which is very difficult to shake.

 

[magicalmoments]

It's been a month since the OP last posted an update. Any chance of a progress report, if any?

 

[CharlieBoker]

It's been a month since the OP last posted an update. Any chance of a progress report, if any?

No progress, we’re still in fantasy land playing games in the bedroom and discussing the pros and cons of making a third party a reality.

 

[policywank]

Do you think though, you may have a bit more confidence in this arena than others?

I think that a lot of it comes down to your frame of reference.

I share a lot of littlecordelera's sentiments - I wouldn't go quite as far as saying that sex and love are mutually exclusive, but they are fundamentally different things. If a person doesn't see things that way and ties the two together or makes them inter-dependent I am not sure that it would be possible to have enough confidence to not be affected by non-monogamy. As she noted, if your partner has sex with other people it is a near certainty that at times those other people will provide a "better" sexual experience even if it is just due to novelty or newness. Meanwhile if your frame of reference does truly regard them as separate things then confidence isn't necessary to embrace non-monogamy. I think that maybe where confidence comes in is in the ability to disregard what society tells us our frame of reference ought to be.

When looking at jealousy I have used the example of staunchly religious islamic countries where a man considers it a great offence for his wife to even show her face let alone any other part of her body or embrace another (unrelated) man in a purely innocent greeting or even be alone in a room with another man. Why do those men get insanely jealous and protective when men in North America have no issue with any of this things? Is it because western men are more confident? I don't think so. It is just that western men have different expectations or a different frame of reference as to what is acceptable. In both instances the frame of reference is something defined by society and culture. It isn't a static immutable thing no matter how much we tell ourselves otherwise - in fact our inclination to compel people to see it that way proves the point that it is a societal construct. Otherwise it would just come naturally and we wouldn't see such divergent views between societies and cultures.

 

[littlecordelera]

No progress, we’re still in fantasy land playing games in the bedroom and discussing the pros and cons of making a third party a reality.

When we were just starting out, my husband and I used to go to hotel bars. We would arrive at different times and sit separately. We chose hotel bars because sitting alone at the bar is common, and also because there was little to no chance of running into people we knew. Over time, we learned which hotels worked best for this sort of thing. For the most part, if they had a happy hour, that was the place to be. Of course the hope was that a suitable guy would strike up conversation with me, and my husband could watch me flirt or more. It was a lot of fun, even if nothing happened, because my husband and I would be texting back and forth, wondering "where are all the traveling salesmen?" Sometimes I would flirt like crazy just for my husband to watch, but I knew nothing was going to happen. Poor guy(s)!

Just thought I would mention it. It might be something to try, since it makes it easy for your wife to walk away if she does not feel comfortable with the situation.

 

[policywank]

When we were just starting out, my husband and I used to go to hotel bars. We would arrive at different times and sit separately. We chose hotel bars because sitting alone at the bar is common, and also because there was little to no chance of running into people we knew. Over time, we learned which hotels worked best for this sort of thing. For the most part, if they had a happy hour, that was the place to be. Of course the hope was that a suitable guy would strike up conversation with me, and my husband could watch me flirt or more. It was a lot of fun, even if nothing happened, because my husband and I would be texting back and forth, wondering "where are all the traveling salesmen?" Sometimes I would flirt like crazy just for my husband to watch, but I knew nothing was going to happen. Poor guy(s)!

Just thought I would mention it. It might be something to try, since it makes it easy for your wife to walk away if she does not feel comfortable with the situation.

Finding noncommittal ways to test the waters is good advice. Find out what you each like and make sure your wife always has a comfortable exit if she wants it.

The one thing that I would say is almost a certainty is that things will not go according to a plan. I don't mean that in a bad way. They may go according to plan overall but not a specific plan. You need to be in a mindset to embrace the possibilities and let things evolve organically as they would in any social situation.

I often hear people talk about how it will work as long as a long list of rules and constraints are observed. Personally I don't think that works because it amounts to trying to be too controlling of the circumstances and that will take the enjoyment out of it and/or lead to disappointment or hurt feelings. By all means understand your limits, but do so in the way that you would for any other type of interaction, including trusting your grown up wife to make prudent judgments.

 

[littlecordelera]

Finding noncommittal ways to test the waters is good advice. Find out what you each like and make sure your wife always has a comfortable exit if she wants it.

The one thing that I would say is almost a certainty is that things will not go according to a plan. I don't mean that in a bad way. They may go according to plan overall but not a specific plan. You need to be in a mindset to embrace the possibilities and let things evolve organically as they would in any social situation.

I often hear people talk about how it will work as long as a long list of rules and constraints are observed. Personally I don't think that works because it amounts to trying to be too controlling of the circumstances and that will take the enjoyment out of it and/or lead to disappointment or hurt feelings. By all means understand your limits, but do so in the way that you would for any other type of interaction, including trusting your grown up wife to make prudent judgments.

Thank you, policywank. The hotel bar thing worked pretty well, but I can assure you, we did our fair share of stupid things, too.

 

[NightL]

I read these threads and wonder to how people twist themselves up in knots over this. Are they simply over analysing it all? It can be totally different than what many agonize over. I experienced threesomes and moresomes during three long term relationships. It wasn’t a life style, it was never ever planned, there were never agonizing discussions before or after, there were no arranged rules set prior or during. The relationships were loving and respectful.

The encounters were mostly with friends, sometimes repeated and sometimes just once. Never impacted the friendships. If discussed or acknowledged later it was with a laugh of “Yeah we had fun that night”.

Since the events were never planned there was never any expectations, so really no disappointments. I reflect fondly of all, some stand out more than others.

If they were not planned, how did they happen? Socialising, dancing, flirting, intimacy observed, intimacy expressed, warm evenings that just got a whole lot warmer. Always, though, on the basis that as a couple we were always observed to be loving and affectionate toward each other.

I am not suggesting that my experience is how it should work for others, but I wonder if some may benefit in just stepping back a little and just let things flow. If you have a loving, respectful and affectionate relationship you should already know and trust each other. If your bond is close then you will enjoy experiencing new situations of all manner of things together. If, however, your relationship is unbalanced, you have other things you should work upon first before considering this path.

 

[Bayzapper10]

it has works beutifully when the couple clearly adore each other and are totally solid and want each other to enjoy it completel, (as is the case with you both) but make sure you sort out whether the bi thing is completely ok or not before you get there, sounds obvious but you know instantly when it’s not there between a coupl

We are just starting our journey and I found so many nuggets of great wisdom already in this thread. But this so jumped out at me; we wouldn’t be anywhere near here if not for radical honest communication and absolute commitment. With those in place, anything goes for us.

 

[SeaLevel]

You need to have some serious conversations before you start and decide what you each want out of the lifestyle. Are you simply going to swap or allow each of you to have other partners. It is not for everyone but for those that can separate love and sex, it can enhance the sex for everyone. I would not make too many rules if any. The idea is too let your partner explore their sexuality and find the things that work best for them. You need to have complete trust in your partner that they will do the right things and not try to hedge things with too many rules.

We opened our 30+ year marriage about 18 months ago - for several years before that we were occasional swingers, emphasis on "occasional." If you are referring to the emotional bond between you,, I agree with Islander -- have lots of serious conversations, play the what-if game to exhaustion, and be open-minded & honest with your feelings. It's also important to be quick to forgive and not keep ledgers -- mistakes will happen and they are to be learned from, not exploited. It is important to emphasize the exploration angle over the rules and boundaries angle -- not that rules and boundaries (expectations) are not important (they are) -- just that they are not the point.

It is also important to have an agreement on (a) how much you each can spend on your dates or non-monogamy related activities and (b) how often. New relationship energy (NRE) is real and if not kept in check, it can stress a marriage. Good luck!

 

[Valendon]

Communicate, communicate, communicate!! Speculate what you'll do if it doesn't work, and if it does! Plan on downtime after the first one to let all the echoes sound. And commit to making sure your partner has your full blessing to have all the fun they can.

 

[Islander55]

We opened our 30+ year marriage about 18 months ago - for several years before that we were occasional swingers, emphasis on "occasional." If you are referring to the emotional bond between you,, I agree with Islander -- have lots of serious conversations, play the what-if game to exhaustion, and be open-minded & honest with your feelings. It's also important to be quick to forgive and not keep ledgers -- mistakes will happen and they are to be learned from, not exploited. It is important to emphasize the exploration angle over the rules and boundaries angle -- not that rules and boundaries (expectations) are not important (they are) -- just that they are not the point.

It is also important to have an agreement on (a) how much you each can spend on your dates or non-monogamy related activities and (b) how often. New relationship energy (NRE) is real and if not kept in check, it can stress a marriage. Good luck!

You make some good points. I had never really thought about the money angle but that probably should be discussed. I spend very little money on a date other than maybe a coffee or some lunch. Most of my dates involve doing something we both like such as hiking or sightseeing and then ending back at his place or occasionally mine. No expensive trips, etc.