The List

[some_poet]

and now begins the count backwards
maybe even into the negative numbers of what
I cannot remember

day 1: sex addiction therapy
good lord someone kill me now

 

[some_poet]

if my thought-dreams could be seen they'd probably put my head in a guillotine

motivational interviewing
personality disorder
why the fuck can't the rest of the world
be okay with my fucking hobby?

ps
do you want me to tell you when I realize my answers were missing pieces or downright wrong?

it was not 2 that were more than once
more like
5 or 6
I forgot to count my neighbor
and the ones
who paid
and paid-
they are easier to keep at safe distance
all that cash between us, beneath us
to cushion the fall

and by the way
more than one on one day
does affect the average
which explains my inability
to do simple division


one more thing
I just realized now:
you did not think my answers would all be yes
it is elimination, I get that now
it is okay
for me
to say No
to men.

one more thing
I am already on hands and knees
under your desk
while your wife of forty years
stares behind the glass frame
your cock on my cheek
warm while I stop for breath
nuzzling the soft fur of your retired belly


is that sin edible?
probably not
and maybe
the goal is to be so despicable
that they will hang me themselves
save me the rope

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Good luck with your recovery, Some poet. And with your self-discovery.

ETA: I saw a wonderful movie on this topic (sex addiction) called Choke. Really worth watching, I think.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

motivational interviewing
personality disorder
why the fuck can't the rest of the world
be okay with my fucking hobby?

ps
do you want me to tell you when I realize my answers were missing pieces or downright wrong?

it was not 2 that were more than once
more like
5 or 6
I forgot to count my neighbor
and the ones
who paid
and paid-
they are easier to keep at safe distance
all that cash between us, beneath us
to cushion the fall

and by the way
more than one on one day
does affect the average
which explains my inability
to do simple division


one more thing
I just realized now:
you did not think my answers would all be yes
it is elimination, I get that now
it is okay
for me
to say No
to men.

one more thing
I am already on hands and knees
under your desk
while your wife of forty years
stares behind the glass frame
your cock on my cheek
warm while I stop for breath
nuzzling the soft fur of your retired belly


is that sin edible?
probably not
and maybe
the goal is to be so despicable
that they will hang me themselves
save me the rope

This is very powerful stuff, some_poet. Please continue as you can.

I still plan on joining but don't know when. Several months from now, most likely.

 

[some_poet]

Pandora- thank you. I have wanted to see Choke, will get that one my netflix que

My therapist fired me after the second visit. Okay, he referred me out. Fucker. Referred me to someone who does not take my insurance, what a fucking jerk. I think I found another one finally, it is impossible to find someone who does not mind this particular topic. I found one that would not work out as I do not think Jesus himself is going to save me from this.

So I am nervous. Have been behaving but am nervous. Tuesday. Appt. I am feeling the compulsion again to get out. It starts with needles on my back. It starts with this need to list. To classify. To make a timeline. And I am afraid to write it down on paper, or anywhere. Where is safe? Where can I document besides in my brain and that is such an unreliable record keeper. I am afraid I will say something in my sleep.

I am afraid I will say something over beer. Once while out with siblings and spouses something was said that reminded me of one of my Numbers and I nearly relayed the (innocent) story, had to stop myself.

So

I don't want to stop.

And fuck Tiger Woods for making it the trendy thing to be. It has made getting an appointment really difficult. Everyone is suddenly a sex addict. I did it before Tiger came out, all claws and puppy eyes. Sure I know I did not invent it ha ha and maybe Tiger's talking about it just gave people the courage to go out and get help, more power to them, I am being petty and stupid.

I am getting to the point where I feel like Tiger and me are the only normal ones. You know, us. The big US. The fucking psychos who just don't get it. I am getting to the point where I think the only harm is in the hurting of loved ones and if the loved ones would just not care, then they would not be hurt, if society just fucking accepted it, then it would be a more accepted practice and spouses would not have to be hurt and put in for divorce because of the straying because it would be more acceptable.

Would Sandra Bullock have to leave Jesse James if people would not have made such a big fucking deal out of it?

I guess the real issue to me comes when married people fuck around, then are stupid and get their girlfriend (or themselves) pregnant or are REALLY stupid and fall in love and leave.

I saw about 10 minutes of the John Edwards ladyfriend's interview with Oprah. It was scary because she made so much sense to me.

Same with Eliot Spitzer's mistress.

Can I live in a society in which I side with the most hated women?

I guess the lying is worse than the actual fucking around. That is what I need to come to terms with. Either be honest about it or stop. Keep up with the stopping.

oh my god I am jonesing so badly right now, I am forcing myself from dialing him up, as if there were still dials anywhere.

okay
instead
I will
compulsively
chronicle

 

[some_poet]

This is very powerful stuff, some_poet. Please continue as you can.

I still plan on joining but don't know when. Several months from now, most likely.

Thank you Pabla-- I hope you join me!!!! I think I need a support group. By the way, you can call me Charlotte. Some Poet is just what I weave into my web.

 

[some_poet]

Compulsion

City council 2?
Aqua doctor 2
Conference Boy
Material Lawyer Man
Cross dressing neighbor 2
Semen donor
Red (countless)
Handy Man (2 ohmygod)
Soft Taco Car Salesman
Rockstar (many)
Jazz trombone
420 friendly couple
Law enforcement marathon runner
Parking lot quick shot
T-post entrepeneur (3)
Only one I fucking despise (2 many)
Tattoo artist
Last one

I know there are others. Do I need others to make it be so many I cannot remember?

of all of these secrets, I have seen 3 of you in my public life, coffee shops, street fairs. pavement moved, skin numb. Maybe 4. At that one place I saw you, I knew I knew you from somewhere, Me, so embarassed did I fuck you last year maybe? Or did you show up to church one week? How do I know you? I scrolled down my list. You could have been one of a few that I cannot remember their faces. If you had come over a little closer I might have recognized your scent. But then I would have had to get my nose right down in the center of things.

 

[some_poet]

23: what of you

actually 24

what of you to remember
the massage
nice, not enough pressure
the sex?
nice. it was sex.
I was pretending the whole time
to be the person I had to be.
Coy cute distant
I do remember this:
you were a handsome man
surprisingly handsome
I still have your eyes
here
I saw right into the white flecks that sparked inside
the blue iris
god it was comfortable to be with you
husband like
you had a lot of practice at being
husband
we folded our legs around each other
trying to cover as much surface area
tangling like fingers in a clasp
losing track of whose toes
were whose, you held me soft
so long we had nowhere else to go
but home

I wrapped myself in the sheet on my way to the shower.
This surprised you.
Slut that I am, to hide myself from you
in the very sheets we stained

 

[some_poet]

23 more

Actually still 24

I remember now
there in between one
and two you mentioned
next time
and I put my finger to your lips
like a movie
and said
we don't talk about a next time

is something wrong
you wondered
what you did
nothing nothing wrong
I just cannot think of the
next anything no, no plans
no promises, no phone calls
ankle bracelets, diet cokes no

is this why I do it?
to be on the other side
of the no more?



You tried so hard not to write
I know you did
waited the pre-requisite amount of time
before reminding me
you were there
if I ever wanted to
try again

the other side
of no more

I never can believe it will hurt
the other side

 

[some_poet]

fuck it

I am hopeless
my neighborhood
your truck
foot prints on the roof
god I missed you
what the fuck are we doing

You know I think Tuesday Tuesday Tuesday I will see the doctor on Tuesday and he will help me figure this out, but that is bullshit, I know it is me. I am the one who has to figure it out, but hopefully he will help me to be strong and smart and not a goddamn fool.

Good lord I do not deserve this life I have been given.

Something has to stop the blades
from slicing wrist
something

used to be hitting head on corners
scratching skin with plastic knives
something has to stop the blades
used to be sleeping and longing for the unobtainable
used to be
breaking pottery and pressing
it back together again in new patterns
fingertips bleeding with the rough edge
something has to stop the blade
salt, chocolate, starch until nausea
something has to stop the blades
might as well be you

for thirty years I have wondered
why innocent people get raped and murdered
and die of horrible disease and here I stand
evil sinner
sucking
life

 

[Palba_Noruda]

compulsion.

I hear you.

 

[some_poet]

I hear you.

wish we could go get coffee somewhere

 

[arielsgoddess]

@ some poet:

Anything you say is always good reading, very good for speeding up the creative cogs in the brain Thank you

 

[some_poet]

Anything you say is always good reading, very good for speeding up the creative cogs in the brain Thank you

wow thank you! perhaps it is a bit exhibitionistic to post all of this here but I figured at a porn-ish site, if someone stumbles upon it, they at least wont be too offended.

 

[some_poet]

25 - more like 8 but missed

you promised "no greeting"
I still believed this all had something to do
with discovery
the photo capture of a glimpse
into truth
thinking I would find one true thing
about another human

one true thing
that I could never learn
while fully clothed

you my lawyer friend
what of you
from the deep mystery of man?

your tongue was power
tipped me right down the tightrope
building to building the stories
we fell that afternoon


you
one thing
the feel of italian leather,
designer suit
your shirt perfectly pressed
the cloth, sturdy
I see today why some women
are pulled by the clothes
why they say it makes the man

your one thing?
designer buttons
and zippers are as easily undone
cloth falls without words
it is all so easy easy easy

 

[Palba_Noruda]

wish we could go get coffee somewhere

I drink like twenty cups per day. Of course.

 

[some_poet]

I drink like twenty cups per day. Of course.

what time zone are you in?


I am loving your all of a sudden passion posts. You seem to know how to let it go.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

what time zone are you in?


I am loving your all of a sudden passion posts. You seem to know how to let it go.

Well don't jinx it now for crying out loud!

 

[KuriousGrl74]

It should've been an indicator
Of everything that was to come
Unplanned and unromantic --
Unceremoniously on a blanket

While my parents slept
Unaware
Of what they were losing

I can not remember if you held me
Though I do not think you did
It was over quickly, dispassioned
I was a woman--Abandoned

You told me I was yours
Adamantly
But you were never mine

 

[Tzara]

It should've been an indicator
Of everything that was to come
Unplanned and unromantic --
Unceremoniously on a blanket

While my parents slept
Unaware
Of what they were losing

I can not remember if you held me
Though I do not think you did
It was over quickly, dispassioned
I was a woman--Abandoned

You told me I was yours
Adamantly
But you were never mine

Not that this probably means anything to you, but I think this is quite a good poem, through the first ten lines or so. You lose it a bit (at least for me), after that, and become preachy, which is not what your poem is about, I think.

But, hey, I'm idiot. Liked it, though.

 

[KuriousGrl74]

It was an on the spot poem ... Preachy was not the goal.

#2
It should've been an indicator
Of everything that was to come
Unplanned and unromantic --
Unceremoniously on a blanket

While my parents slept
Unaware
Of what they were losing

I can not remember if you held me
Though I do not think you did
It was over quickly, dispassioned
Our hearts union but imagined

The bloom of womanhood
Withered
Upon its youthful vine

 

[Tzara]

It was an on the spot poem ... Preachy was not the goal.

#2
It should've been an indicator
Of everything that was to come
Unplanned and unromantic --
Unceremoniously on a blanket

While my parents slept
Unaware
Of what they were losing

I can not remember if you held me
Though I do not think you did
It was over quickly, dispassioned
Our hearts union but imagined

The bloom of womanhood
Withered
Upon its youthful vine

I quite like your poems. There are a lot of what I think of as flaws in the particular words you've chosen, but others probably would not think that, so just consider me a dimwit and be done with it.

I'd make some recommendations, but I think they would essentially end up being my writing your poems as my own, which never works.

Anyway, welcome. As I said, I quite like your poems.

 

[some_poet]

26- another last one

pistol lamps and steer horn
wall hangings tell me
this is one time tell me
I have grown into a lazy
liberal vegetarian
He won't let me make him cum
pulls me up from below begins
the high pitch torture up to
level ten plus two dizzy height
without the leap still we joke
and play nice promise of wrist corsage
and taffeta.

When did it stop working? This
quick fix immunity. Step one.
Powerless. To the pull.
Damn, why did the last two
have to be tarnished
silver shine lost sharpness
lost.

 

[some_poet]

Therapist #2

Dr. Jim sends me to bed early,
turns my face sunward
daily, clicks the treadmill, divides the
clock, turns the pages and
sometimes he laughs like
he thinks I am an okay
person which he is paid perhaps
to think. Redemption.

He spells it across the notepad.
Sends me up a flight
of twelve steps. I try not
to fuck him with my hand
as we shake hello,
goodbye because boundries, man
I have to get me some soon. I wonder
if he will ever ask that question. Do
I think of him that way. And I will ask him:
Are you intelligent? Over 45? Do you
hear me two layers below? Am I a
sex addict? Do you need
to ask
that
question?
I am on my knees
on my knees begging
you let me break you down
essential elements, let me
dissolve this salt we share let
me feel you letting go.

 

[some_poet]

the hunt
the set up the dance
the pretty petal and phermone blossom
set up the pins
the search for the best fuck I can afford
with my references to Kierkegaard and Kundera
cleavage and cunning it is beyond
beyond me this need to cast out my line
eye on the silver fin and broken waters
you are out there waiting to be convinced
it was your idea all along

seriously this is beyond metaphor and poetry
this compulsion to have someone out there
unexplored and holding by the strings of no strings
attached someone to pull me into the future through
these fucking days that go on on on I have seen what happens
when I let go
when I stop planting these seeds
this panic of winter
starving for real understanding instead of finger
painted representations of what it is
what it is today I just don't care
want to be there
on knees before you
I know what to do
I know exactly what to do
so easy