The List

[some_poet]

three empty chambers

Never challenge a sex addict
to a game of pussy rouloette
it never ends, she tells us
until everyone gets fucked one
chamber empties the others

stretch one claw toward the
open arms of the future
unbending like a reading lamp
across a twin bed
illuminating everything but she who hides
under bed skirts dust and lint cling
to knees and sticky dildos alike
sometimes we forget
the things we drop

Cock your smile with a see you later
I will swish my skirt with a
false parade of promise
Someone rings out the finger cymbals and
hips begin to shake the
dance of the middle aged one-hot-
mama we all pretend she has not changed
that the glow is all that matters that wisdom
and a stray chin hair out shake the apricot
fuzz and firm here you take
take what falls loose still you take
take what drops as another chamber empties
your turn comes around again.

You thought she did not have it in her
did you? Still somehow you knew to duck just in time
just one last time
swearing this time
this time you will stop
for her on the long drive home

 

[some_poet]

emmigrants

Dr. Jim tells me I have to find something
else to get me high no more hedonistic
fuckitty fuck fucking like none of it matters.
"Hell you can masturbate
for a half hour if you want, anything
to keep off your neighbor's agave." Tom Robbins
concurs. Slips me seven sweet potatoes,
three mashed, three firm and one
he keeps as evidence.

Somehow we slip into the topic of our
common Quaker landings,
Philadelphia store fronts and the Daughters of
the coming American Revolution (who surely fucked
each other's husbands, no? I certainly
did not invent this compulsion.) We play the genealogy
game and conclude our blood came over on the same boat
you know the one where they only ate at dusk
as to not see the mold and shit and
insect larvae burrowed in our ancestral bread.

Yes you were pressed somewhere
between Aunt Rachel and Sarah in
the dark belly of the ship I feel you there
on the crest of our ancient DNA, rocking with these future
widows of the coming war, these mothers
of daughters stitching stars onto blue
fields. William Penn arrived to shake
our hands. Our hands take notes, our hands make referals
our hands pry the nails from the barrel. My brother

we loved did we not? Today you plead
"Charlotte, straight home
take out your best toys if you need to,
drink water, find something aerobic or poetic,
medicate." You tell me "sister please
call ahead for the lighthouse signals
for these waters are shallow
and our hull, so very deep."
__________________

 

[Palba_Noruda]

Nice work, S_P. Your writing is damn powerful. Keep it up.

 

[some_poet]

Nice work, S_P. Your writing is damn powerful. Keep it up.

thank you! I am on a pretty rigid health regimen and it suck that I cannot stay up all night and write anymore, but I will figure out a way to make it happen.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Your emmigrants is really excellent, SP.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

thank you! I am on a pretty rigid health regimen and it suck that I cannot stay up all night and write anymore, but I will figure out a way to make it happen.

Yes, take care of your health!

Your writing is top notch and can only improve!

 

[some_poet]

Pandora and Pabla, you are two amazing people, and I really value your support.


I TOLD MY HUSBAND TONIGHT that my meetings are Sex Addicts Anon meetings
I am a sex addict.
Have been my whole life.
Time to get healthy.

Of course, I did not disclose everything, that will take some time and maybe will never happen.

I feel a hundred pounds lighter and don't have to hide my green book anymore.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Pandora and Pabla, you are two amazing people, and I really value your support.


I TOLD MY HUSBAND TONIGHT that my meetings are Sex Addicts Anon meetings
I am a sex addict.
Have been my whole life.
Time to get healthy.

Of course, I did not disclose everything, that will take some time and maybe will never happen.

I feel a hundred pounds lighter and don't have to hide my green book anymore.

I wish you well in your recovery program. I hope you have a variety of meetings available to you. I know AA and NA both are widespread, not sure about SAA.

Do you have a sponsor? That can help you get through the steps. I have found that important in my life journey, hopefully, in my case, continuing to leave the alcohol behind.

I know that Al-Anon is there for spouses and the like of alcoholics - is there any such equivalent in SAA? If so, that would be something your husband could attend and gain familiarity with the steps and hear how others in similar situations are doing.

It sounds like disclosure to you husband may occur in the 8th and 9th steps, when we make amends. But the ninth step clearly states "... except when to do so would injure them or others."

And remember - its a day at a time!

 

[some_poet]

Thank you!!!

There are actually at least two meetings a day in my area, so I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to get support.

I made my 6th meeting, but was having a hard time bringing myself to asking for a sponsor, it is intimidating for many reasons, but tonight, someone offered to be my temporary sponsor and I said YES!!!

I also learned that there is a SA-Anon (?) for family members, so in time I will present that to my husband, but he is SO not the sharing guy at allllll. I do need support, though in figuring out how to let him know that I need his support, but that it is not enough, I realllllly need to get to as many meetings as I can.

I just need to put some space between my acting out and disclosure so I can confidently use the past tense.

Here we go!

Good news: three days have passed without thinking of slitting my wrists. I did not realize that this had anything to do with my addiction but damn, I cannot remember a day when the images did not come into my mind. It felt odd thinking about how I wasn't thinking about it, it was like my brain did not know how to make the image that always seemed to be there.

I feel like I have made progress even though I am so triggery and jittery my hands shake.

Thank you thank you for the encouragement. I thought sex addiction was a bunch of bullshit, but it is fucking serious, much suffering.

Thanks again!

~Charlotte

I wish you well in your recovery program. I hope you have a variety of meetings available to you. I know AA and NA both are widespread, not sure about SAA.

Do you have a sponsor? That can help you get through the steps. I have found that important in my life journey, hopefully, in my case, continuing to leave the alcohol behind.

I know that Al-Anon is there for spouses and the like of alcoholics - is there any such equivalent in SAA? If so, that would be something your husband could attend and gain familiarity with the steps and hear how others in similar situations are doing.

It sounds like disclosure to you husband may occur in the 8th and 9th steps, when we make amends. But the ninth step clearly states "... except when to do so would injure them or others."

And remember - its a day at a time!

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Thank you!!!

There are actually at least two meetings a day in my area, so I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to get support.

I made my 6th meeting, but was having a hard time bringing myself to asking for a sponsor, it is intimidating for many reasons, but tonight, someone offered to be my temporary sponsor and I said YES!!!

I also learned that there is a SA-Anon (?) for family members, so in time I will present that to my husband, but he is SO not the sharing guy at allllll. I do need support, though in figuring out how to let him know that I need his support, but that it is not enough, I realllllly need to get to as many meetings as I can.

I just need to put some space between my acting out and disclosure so I can confidently use the past tense.

Here we go!

Good news: three days have passed without thinking of slitting my wrists. I did not realize that this had anything to do with my addiction but damn, I cannot remember a day when the images did not come into my mind. It felt odd thinking about how I wasn't thinking about it, it was like my brain did not know how to make the image that always seemed to be there.

I feel like I have made progress even though I am so triggery and jittery my hands shake.

Thank you thank you for the encouragement. I thought sex addiction was a bunch of bullshit, but it is fucking serious, much suffering.

Thanks again!

~Charlotte

You're welcome. Recovery is always easier if there are others to share with.

Another possibility your husband might consider is an open meeting, if some of yours are open. But not sure, especially early on for both of you, whether each of you should be in separate meetings.

Excellent!! Good to hear that you have a temporary sponsor to help you along.
With your thinking about slitting your wrists it sounds like you've reached your bottom. I guess you have such thoughts from guilt and the like? And good to hear that the thought is receding, much like an alcoholic's desire for a drink fades. But our minds can twist us back into our previous denial, so we need to keep aware. Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? I found it especially helpful early in recovery and I still use it on a daily basis.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

Pandora and Pabla, you are two amazing people, and I really value your support.


I TOLD MY HUSBAND TONIGHT that my meetings are Sex Addicts Anon meetings
I am a sex addict.
Have been my whole life.
Time to get healthy.

Of course, I did not disclose everything, that will take some time and maybe will never happen.

I feel a hundred pounds lighter and don't have to hide my green book anymore.

I'm proud of you for seeking help and for taking charge of your recovery. It must have been incredibly difficult and scary to do both, but what a major step. I'm feeling very inspired. You are such a talented writer; I'm hopeful that through this recovery work you are beginning you will be able to channel that talent towards something positive and good for you.

Reminds me that I have been meaning to get back into therapy after a long hiatus... I'm living in this tiny community now and have been way too isolated for way too long...

 

[some_poet]

You're welcome. Recovery is always easier if there are others to share with.

Another possibility your husband might consider is an open meeting, if some of yours are open. But not sure, especially early on for both of you, whether each of you should be in separate meetings.

Excellent!! Good to hear that you have a temporary sponsor to help you along.
With your thinking about slitting your wrists it sounds like you've reached your bottom. I guess you have such thoughts from guilt and the like? And good to hear that the thought is receding, much like an alcoholic's desire for a drink fades. But our minds can twist us back into our previous denial, so we need to keep aware. Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer? I found it especially helpful early in recovery and I still use it on a daily basis.

THANKS! We don't have any open meetings. I think there is a spouse/partner support group, informal, have to ask around. I don't think he is ready for that.

Guilt is part of it, fear mostly, different forms of escape. It was a good week. Got to a lot of meetings and met with sponsor and partner, they are both amazing guys and I feel SO blessed!!!

 

[some_poet]

I'm proud of you for seeking help and for taking charge of your recovery. It must have been incredibly difficult and scary to do both, but what a major step. I'm feeling very inspired. You are such a talented writer; I'm hopeful that through this recovery work you are beginning you will be able to channel that talent towards something positive and good for you.

Reminds me that I have been meaning to get back into therapy after a long hiatus... I'm living in this tiny community now and have been way too isolated for way too long...

It was kind of scary, but I was so so so so so so finished deep down, even though on the surface I wanted to keep up with the self-destructive life.

Therapy is great, everyone should do it. I hope you find the support in your tiny community.... is it geographically tiny or have you isolated?

The cool thing about the SAA groups is that people's addictions are SO varied. It is so helpful to hear the men check in, share, it reminds me that they are um.... people not just objects and medication.

I hope you find the support you are looking for as well!
Thanks for checking in!

I started a recovery blog!
~Charlotte

 

[EroticOrogeny]

THANKS! We don't have any open meetings. I think there is a spouse/partner support group, informal, have to ask around. I don't think he is ready for that.

Guilt is part of it, fear mostly, different forms of escape. It was a good week. Got to a lot of meetings and met with sponsor and partner, they are both amazing guys and I feel SO blessed!!!

I hope everything continues on the up and up!

I was wondering what sort of gender breakdown you have in SAA.
Would a woman be a better sponsor than a man?
This is one of the things that we often recommend to AA newcomers, not a hard and fast rule, but avoids those complications. I assume you have a '13 step' as well, and may be even more of a concern in SAA that AA - may be a shorter step than to resuming drinking. I assume your sponsor has a quite a bit of good sobriety (do you use that expression? In NA they talk more about clean, rather than sober. Most drug addicts have alcohol issues, and a good number of alcoholics have drug issues. So you may well use a term other than sober.) - you may want to discuss that with him.

I'd like to hear more about your recovery blog...

 

[some_poet]

Gift of Sobriety; how life will be different upon sexual sobriety

Sexual compulsion is like a cataract that covers my eyes, distorting the light into a false perception of reality. Colors gradually muted; boundaries, blurred. With compulsion removed, I will be like the tears that seeped from my grandmother’s new eyes, seeing clearly and realizing all she had missed and misperceived. I will live that moment when she realized her slip covers were green and her wall paper was blue, wondering why no one told her that nothing in her world matched anymore, that her past choices no longer made sense.

I will see people and objects as individual beings with their own distinct edges, not porous membranes I can ease myself into, release pain, passion and fear under the guise of compassion and kindness, then silently and surely slip through the other side pretending no one was hurt. I will see myself as an individual with a clear and distinct boundaries, not as an amorphous free flowing being who can change her form to fit through locked keyholes and between slats of a fence to get that green green grass that I feel I must have, not just to appreciate and enjoy, but to consume and to lie down and allow myself to be consumed.

I will be mindful of what enters the natural openings of my body and I will not crave the creation of new openings made by cuts in my skin. Whole, I will not need to hunt for more, more cocks and tongues, more hands full of fingers, I will not crave bigger and more powerful objects to stretch and fill me until overflowing, I will not need to rub in and soak in the sexual emissions of others, absorbing the fluid into my pores of my skin as if it could be the glue that binds me together, as if it could be the magic potion that fills my empty spaces.

I will not mindlessly fill my body with what is easy, with what tastes good, with what brings instant and temporary pleasure. I will find that I can be fueled with healthy energy from the sunshine, wind and rain, fueled with what grows from the ground, from gifts of nature. I will not be predator of living things. I will respect creatures of god’s creation and not use sex as medication that can be taken liberally without consequence to myself, to others, and to the higher power that I will have learned to accept, invite, embrace.

Practically? The time and energy I spend trying to get my next fix I will be able to use in more productive and healthy ways. I will be more present for my immediate family and the extended family of humanity. Since my mind will be free of planning, seduction and manipulation, I will be better able to concentrate and focus scattered thoughts. I will respect my well being by eating healthy foods, drinking enough water, getting a healthy amount of sleep, and make time for exercise.

I will be able to respect my husband as partner, not someone for me to serve, not someone to use for my own benefit.

Without the shame and fear of acting out or being caught, I will not have thoughts of harming myself, or ending my life as a potential escape from the compulsion, panic and fear.

Without taking the easy escapes of compulsive masturbation, seduction, over-sleeping, depressing, compulsive sex, and binge eating, I will have healthy ways of dealing with issues and taking responsibilities face on.

Although I will be more aware of my deficits, I will have accepted myself as someone who is good enough, as a capable person worthy of the bounty the universe has to offer and whose own non-sexual gifts are worth sharing.

 

[some_poet]

I hope everything continues on the up and up!

I was wondering what sort of gender breakdown you have in SAA.
Would a woman be a better sponsor than a man?
This is one of the things that we often recommend to AA newcomers, not a hard and fast rule, but avoids those complications. I assume you have a '13 step' as well, and may be even more of a concern in SAA that AA - may be a shorter step than to resuming drinking. I assume your sponsor has a quite a bit of good sobriety (do you use that expression? In NA they talk more about clean, rather than sober. Most drug addicts have alcohol issues, and a good number of alcoholics have drug issues. So you may well use a term other than sober.) - you may want to discuss that with him.

I'd like to hear more about your recovery blog...

Gender breakdown: I am usually the only woman or one of two women. It has been fine, though. It is actually wonderful being able to be in a room with men knowing that not a single one is remotely available, not an option, period not ever. I cannot jeopardize my recovery and will not jeopardize theirs-- if I crossed that line I could not go back to meetings and that is NOT an option. I need them!

I would have gotten a female sponsor if there were one available. Complicated. We do have a female meeting once a week, I consider it my main meeting, but it is not enough. I am going to try to make the other women in the group feel like they can go if they want, and that I will be there. The guys are just GUYS not creepy or anything, just guys who want to be well.

I figure a gay man is as good as a woman, truth be told, I am more attracted to one of the women sponsors than the men I am working with. They are gay through and through and it would be a joke for us to even put each other into a sex partner category.

But you raise good questions! There are strict rules, information, etc about this.

Sobriety is whatever the addict puts in their "inner circle." For some it is pornography, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, voyeurism, etc. Whatever act is beyond control, unmanagable. Participating in things in our inner circle are referred to "acting out."

I have been addicted to cigarettes for years, had a month long binge on cocaine (a short time, but enough to get me to the point where I saw it everywhere, was all I thought about and the only thing that could get me to stop was to have it completely taken away from me, me from it. However, this sex addiction is KICKING MY ASS and is as difficult if not more difficult than stopping cigarettes after decades of smoking or cocaine, both of which were very difficult.

So. I never would have guessed, I really knew I was obsessed, but I did not realize how I had no power, the more I tried to get power over sex, the more powerless I became.

Tricky little fucker, addiction is.



I love the serenity prayer, must learn to depend upon it more outside of meetings. I have been going to meetings like crazy! So so so so amazingly more helpful than I thought.

I will send you a pm with my blog address, I don't really want to publish it openly because of spammers, etc, but since you are interested, that is very cool! It is pretty graphic and not pretty.

~Charlotte

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Gender breakdown: I am usually the only woman or one of two women. It has been fine, though. It is actually wonderful being able to be in a room with men knowing that not a single one is remotely available, not an option, period not ever. I cannot jeopardize my recovery and will not jeopardize theirs-- if I crossed that line I could not go back to meetings and that is NOT an option. I need them!

I would have gotten a female sponsor if there were one available. Complicated. We do have a female meeting once a week, I consider it my main meeting, but it is not enough. I am going to try to make the other women in the group feel like they can go if they want, and that I will be there. The guys are just GUYS not creepy or anything, just guys who want to be well.

I figure a gay man is as good as a woman, truth be told, I am more attracted to one of the women sponsors than the men I am working with. They are gay through and through and it would be a joke for us to even put each other into a sex partner category.

But you raise good questions! There are strict rules, information, etc about this.

Sobriety is whatever the addict puts in their "inner circle." For some it is pornography, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, voyeurism, etc. Whatever act is beyond control, unmanagable. Participating in things in our inner circle are referred to "acting out."

I have been addicted to cigarettes for years, had a month long binge on cocaine (a short time, but enough to get me to the point where I saw it everywhere, was all I thought about and the only thing that could get me to stop was to have it completely taken away from me, me from it. However, this sex addiction is KICKING MY ASS and is as difficult if not more difficult than stopping cigarettes after decades of smoking or cocaine, both of which were very difficult.

So. I never would have guessed, I really knew I was obsessed, but I did not realize how I had no power, the more I tried to get power over sex, the more powerless I became.

Tricky little fucker, addiction is.



I love the serenity prayer, must learn to depend upon it more outside of meetings. I have been going to meetings like crazy! So so so so amazingly more helpful than I thought.

I will send you a pm with my blog address, I don't really want to publish it openly because of spammers, etc, but since you are interested, that is very cool! It is pretty graphic and not pretty.

~Charlotte

I hadn't considered gay men, just straight. They may have additional issues to deal with. Some AA groups are oriented towards gay alcoholics. We all have to make sure to keep principles over personalities.

By all means discuss with your sponsor, but you may want to focus now on your primary addiction, and accept for the time being the dependence upon cigarettes. I never spent a night in jail since i smoked cigarettes (and never got caught with the illegal ones), but have from a drinking binge. I'm sure you can make your own comparisons.

Sometimes, especially early on, i used the serenity prayer like a mantra, repeating it over and over. I AA we have chips to represent milestones in sobriety. Every one, from the newcomer's desire chip to multiples of years, has the serenity prayer on it. I always have it in my pocket.

Thanks for your PM - I sent you a response.

 

[Palba_Noruda]

It was kind of scary, but I was so so so so so so finished deep down, even though on the surface I wanted to keep up with the self-destructive life.

Therapy is great, everyone should do it. I hope you find the support in your tiny community.... is it geographically tiny or have you isolated?

~Charlotte

Both

Sexual compulsion is like a cataract that covers my eyes, distorting the light into a false perception of reality. Colors gradually muted; boundaries, blurred. With compulsion removed, I will be like the tears that seeped from my grandmother’s new eyes, seeing clearly and realizing all she had missed and misperceived. I will live that moment when she realized her slip covers were green and her wall paper was blue, wondering why no one told her that nothing in her world matched anymore, that her past choices no longer made sense.

This is really beautiful...

 

[some_poet]

Bring out your Dead

Bring out your Dead

And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one,
More deaths than one must die.
~Oscar Wilde
​

My best friend is dying. And I am the one who is killing her.
I have thrown away her toys, her fishnets and crotchless panties.
I have changed the locks, forwarded her mail,
cut off her oxygen at the source,
scolded and molded and wrapped her in string. Stubbornly
she struggles, claws for mercy, while the mob cheers
"burn the witch" and all her wicked possessions. I light
the first match. Still there is a single

shelf in my closet, step ladder high, where I have hidden
the silver rings of her lost lovers and poetry scribbled on the
covers of travel magazines. Curled edge photographs and
dried orchid petals settle like ashes in a dusty urn.
I am not ready to bury her yet, not while her dreams
pulse in my sleep, our arteries too intertwined for
safe separation, twins with a single beat.

 

[some_poet]

wish I could change that dumb smiley face on this thread.

 

[fridayam]

Bring out your Dead

And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one,
More deaths than one must die.
~Oscar Wilde
​

My best friend is dying. And I am the one who is killing her.
I have thrown away her toys, her fishnets and crotchless panties.
I have changed the locks, forwarded her mail,
cut off her oxygen at the source,
scolded and molded and wrapped her in string. Stubbornly
she struggles, claws for mercy, while the mob cheers
"burn the witch" and all her wicked possessions. I light
the first match. Still there is a single

shelf in my closet, step ladder high, where I have hidden
the silver rings of her lost lovers and poetry scribbled on the
covers of travel magazines. Curled edge photographs and
dried orchid petals settle like ashes in a dusty urn.
I am not ready to bury her yet, not while her dreams
pulse in my sleep, our arteries too intertwined for
safe separation, twins with a single beat.

I love this--there are so many levels to it that it will take a few readings to satisfy my curiosity. Thank you.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I love this--there are so many levels to it that it will take a few readings to satisfy my curiosity. Thank you.

Bring out your Dead

And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one,
More deaths than one must die.
~Oscar Wilde
​

My best friend is dying. And I am the one who is killing her.
I have thrown away her toys, her fishnets and crotchless panties.
I have changed the locks, forwarded her mail,
cut off her oxygen at the source,
scolded and molded and wrapped her in string. Stubbornly
she struggles, claws for mercy, while the mob cheers
"burn the witch" and all her wicked possessions. I light
the first match. Still there is a single

shelf in my closet, step ladder high, where I have hidden
the silver rings of her lost lovers and poetry scribbled on the
covers of travel magazines. Curled edge photographs and
dried orchid petals settle like ashes in a dusty urn.
I am not ready to bury her yet, not while her dreams
pulse in my sleep, our arteries too intertwined for
safe separation, twins with a single beat.

This is remarkable. I have mixed feelings about epigraphs, but I think it's well placed here, and the choice of a quote from Oscar Wilde enhances its meaning for me further.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Bring out your Dead

And the wild regrets, and the bloody sweats,
None knew so well as I:
For he who lives more lives than one,
More deaths than one must die.
~Oscar Wilde
​

My best friend is dying. And I am the one who is killing her.
I have thrown away her toys, her fishnets and crotchless panties.
I have changed the locks, forwarded her mail,
cut off her oxygen at the source,
scolded and molded and wrapped her in string. Stubbornly
she struggles, claws for mercy, while the mob cheers
"burn the witch" and all her wicked possessions. I light
the first match. Still there is a single

shelf in my closet, step ladder high, where I have hidden
the silver rings of her lost lovers and poetry scribbled on the
covers of travel magazines. Curled edge photographs and
dried orchid petals settle like ashes in a dusty urn.
I am not ready to bury her yet, not while her dreams
pulse in my sleep, our arteries too intertwined for
safe separation, twins with a single beat.

I keep on reading this over and over again. It is fantastic. Captivating. Very few adjectives with all of the action captured through solid verb usage.

 

[Liar]

Loads of good stuff here. A delight to read all through the thread.

 

[butters]

a thread that has opened my eyes to new things, new thoughts, new understandings

and wonderful poetry