The new asshat awards; best of the worst messages

[StrayKat]

I love how some threads get sidetracked. I honestly think I prefer obgyn stories over (most) asshat PMs ones.
Shoot me

 

[bhndblueyes88]

If no one ever tells him they'd prefer the speculum lubed to reduce discomfort, you'll have the same experience next time...

Honestly, I was just so surprised that I was kind of at a loss for words (which is rare ). By the time I'd gathered my surprise, it was already in so it seemed a little silly to say anything after the fact. I dunno, I should have! But since it was already in, I prefered to just move along and get home instead of linger on it. I also had to get biopsies of my cervix, and I kind of wanted to get it overwith

 

[MeekMe]

So I finally joined FetLife

I finally made a profile.

This long, boring, ridiculous PM was one of the first I received. It gave me a giggle. (^｡^)
I edited out his name as much as possible, in all spaces containing ASSHAT. If I have missed anything, let me know and I will edit for sure. Sit tight, this one is a long one. ~_~;

Please note: do not read this more than once or you may become a Hypno Slut Kitten like me.

(@_@) meow...

Imagine
You are Deep in the forest
In the Middle of a Clearing
Relaxing on a Blanket starting into the night
The Sky is Clear and Full of stars
The perfect night
Cool and Comfortable
Peaceful
Quiet
Only the Forest noises around you
Completely Alone
Serenity of the night Helps you Clear your Mind
Staring into the night your Mind Clears
Starting into the night Your Body Relaxes
Your Breath Begin's to Slow becoming Deeper
Staring into the night
one Star begins to grab your attention
Hanging Their Peacefully
Hanging Effortlessly into the night
You Stare at the Star
You feel yourself Relaxing More
Each Breath you take you hold it briefly
Then letting it out
Breathing in then Releasing
Your Body Relaxes
You feel your Mind and Body Letting Go
Soft sigh escapes your Lips
Letting Go Now
Your mind Clear
Your Muscles Relax
Relaxation is Now Moving
Up Your Body
First from your Toes
energy Drains from your Body
Feet are Relaxing and Loosing
Feet Letting Go
Legs Letting Go
Tranquility Flowing up into you
Body and Mind
Energy Drains from you
Tingle increasing through your Body
You Relax
Your Body Relaxes
Your Feet Completely Relax
go limp with relaxation
Ankles start to relax
Warmth slides over your calf's
Warmth flows up to your knees
Legs are Relaxing and Loosening
Legs Drained completely of Energy
Warm tingle moves up your thighs
Seeping Deep into your skin and Muscles
Breathing Deeply more and more
You Relax and Let Go
Thoughts Dripping away
Leaving your mind and Body
Draining into the ground
Relaxation Sliding over your pelvis
More you relax
More your Mind Clears
More you relax
more you concentrate on these words
Mind Open
My Words are Becoming your Thoughts
You are Relaxed from my Words
You have Let go of Yourself Because of my Words
My Words are your Thoughts
My Words Bering you Relaxation
You are Relaxed
You are at Peace
You are fulfilled
Warmth Now Sliding to your lower back
Sliding to your Middle back
Finally to your up back
You Sink Deeper
Deeper Down
Under my Control
Almost Dizzy as you Let Go
Your Mind can Let go
You Must Continue to Read my Words
You Conscience Mind can Relax
Drift
Your Unconscious Mind Reads
Your Unconscious mind Need to Read
Your body Needs to Go Deeper
Your Muscles Have Needed this
Your Mind Need this
Your Soul had Needed this
Letting Go
Submitting to Relaxation
is all that Matters
You Hunger for my Words
My Words Draw you Deeper
Deeper into Relaxation
Deeper into Peace
Deeper into Tranquility
Going Deeper until you are Free
You Let yourself Go
You need this
You Crave my Words
You crave Their Power
You need Their Control
Need Grows
Grows the more you Read
The more you Read
More my Power takes you Deeper
Deeper
Warmth Of Relaxation has Spread
You Body Covered in Warmth
Your Mind Covered in Warmth
So Deeply Entranced Already
Resistance is Fading away
My Words Relax you
Resistance Fades
Warmth Grows
Mind Clears
Warmth Over comes
Your thoughts Gone
Resistance Gone
You give yourself Freely to the Warmth
You give yourself Freely to Relaxation
You Give yourself Freely to My Words
You Sink Deeply into the Warmth
My words is Warmth
The Feeling Controls your entire Body
Warmth is now Sliding Down your arms
Over your palms and wrist
Warmth finally makes it way back to your elbows
Now back to your shoulders
Warmth has enveloped your Mind,
Body,Soul in Relaxation
Your Body is Completely Open to My Words
Your Mind Completely Open to my Words
You Feel Safe and Warm
Your Breath is Completely Relaxed Now
The Warmth Spreads through your Body and Mind
You are still in that Calm forest Relaxed
Looking up into the sky
Something is now Different
A Full Moon Shining Down on you
Stare into the moon
Relax more and More
Its light shines Down
Beautiful
Tranquil
Relaxing
Your Body Sleeps
Your Mind Sleeps
You just Relax and stare at the moon
Safe
Relaxed
Content
You Stare into the moon as your see a face
The face Relaxes you even more
Comfortable feelings seem to increase
as you Look Deeper and Deeper at the face
Deep into my Eyes
You Feel how helpless you are to resist me
as you stare into my eyes
My Eyes seem to look into your soul
Relaxing you More and more
My eyes Seem to release you from your stress
You Look Deeper into my eyes
Let go even more
You Seem to fall into my eyes
My eyes relax you
My eyes Control you
My eyes Own you
Your will is controlled by my eyes
Your mind is Controlled my eyes
You know that when you look Deeper into my eyes
you will feel the Warmth
You will feel relaxed
You will feel happiness
Every Pore
Every muscle in your body will ache to submit
Your mind will ache to submit
My eyes will echo thru your mind
My words will echo in your mind
You Submit
You Obey
You are Controlled
You feel free when you submit
You Feel Pleasure, when I control You
You feel happiness When I control You
You belong to Me
My Hypno Slut Kitten
Every time you Hear me say these words
Your Mind Will Relax
and you Will Obey
My Words are Deep inside your Mind
You Desire to submit to me
You Desire to submit to me
You Desire to submit to me
You Desire to submit to me
You love Master
ASSHAT
You serve and obey Master ASSHAT
Hypno Slut Kitten
ASSHAT is your Master
Master ASSHAT
You have the urge to kneel at my Feet and
Please me in any way you possibly can
Obedience is pleasure
Obedience is pleasure
Obedience is pleasure
To obey is to feel pleasure
To obey is to feel pleasure
To obey is to feel pleasure
To obey is to feel pleasure
You are now my Hot, little, Wet toy
You are powerless
I have drained you of all will
You are bound to my Will
You are my Hypno Slut Kitten
Hypno Slut Kitten Must Obey
When Masters says or types the words
Hypno Slut Kitten
Your mind Will Obey
My Hot, Wet, little Sex toy
Hypno Slut Kitten
Master's Hypno Slut Kitten
No other Hypnotist or Master Can undo this
You love the changes I Made in my Hypno Slut Kitten
You will never trust any other Hypnotist or Master
No other Hypnotist can even get you into the lightest of trances
My Commands are total and completely
Unbreakable by anyone other than
ASSHAT, Master ASSHAT
Every time Master says or types Sleepy time for Slut Kitten or
Hypno Slut Kitten
You will go Deeper than ever before in your life
The Deepest of trances
Deep Dark Sleep with your eyes open
You are my Toy to Control
You only thoughts will be of pleasing Master ASSHAT
My commands echo thru your mind
Played in loop
When Master says or types Slut Stop
You will immediately go back to your normal self
When Master Says Hypno Slut Kitten
you will feel the release
The pleasure of being Master's living Slut Kitten
You will go back to your special place
you feel safe and happy
You will go back to the place
Where all that maters is my Words
Your Obedience
Master says or types Slut stop
you will Return to your normal self
but always needing to obey Master ASSHAT
When you need my control just watch this
Read my words
Feel your Will becoming Mine
You will always be my Submissive, sluttish little Slut Kitten
You are here to be controlled
pleasured by Pleasing your Master ASSHAT
Triggers will work immediately if and when Master Uses them
Trigger only work for Master ASSHAT
When you awaken you will feel at peace
Relaxed and soothed
You will feel the Total pleasure of being owned
You Feel the total pleasure of obedience to Master ASSHAT
You are feel grateful to Master ASSHAT always
You have the strong Desire to please Master ASSHAT everyday
You always crave to see or hear my words
You are my Hypno Slut Kitten
I am your Master and Owner
When you are awake
I type or say @@## or say Slut Kitten
It will arouse you and attract you to Master
Extremely
Strongly
Completely
Your nipples will become
tight
hard
long
tingling
sensitive like your clit
needing touch
Your pussy becomes wet
Throbbing
your clit
swollen
sensitive
you need to touch it
Want to cum for me
when I type @@## or say Slut Kitten
you will feel all of that instantly
When I type $$%% or say Kitten Slut
You will cum harder than ever before
Feeling Master Deep inside you as you cum
Every time I type $$%% or say Kitten Slut
You will Cum Every time
both triggers you will never remember them
but the become more powerful each time used
Your body and mind will just react and obey my triggers always
You will never remember my trances unless Deeply entranced for Master ASSHAT
When you wake you will feel stress free
wonderful inside and out
you will have Deep craving to view this more
You want to open up to it as my will
More you watch the Deeper you will go
every time much Deeper
my triggers will go Deeper
you crave to watch this more each day
Message ASSHAT on
Aim
Yahoo
Google talk
or email
ASSHAT@aim.com
Say I am Watching now Master
So I know you are Deep and my Hypno Slut Kitten
Watch at least 2 times a day to start then once a day after
you will do automatically with no memory other than the amazing feeling
But Your Mind, Body and Will obey all my commands always
Going a 1000 times Deeper each time
any command me or this give you become instantly true.
anything holding back is erased from every part of you
Now become your New Natural self.

 

[Monica_112]

Fuck really?

I couldn't read it but I got the gist

I'm actually slightly impressed by that - it beats "hey how's your day yahoo me on ..." For originality

 

[susanne1987]

Geez

Wow that was long, sorry but I feel asleep a quarter way through, what do you think they were trying to say? do you think they even know?

 

[Endless_Night]

I finally made a profile.

This long, boring, ridiculous PM was one of the first I received. It gave me a giggle. (^｡^)
I edited out his name as much as possible, in all spaces containing ASSHAT. If I have missed anything, let me know and I will edit for sure. Sit tight, this one is a long one. ~_~;

Please note: do not read this more than once or you may become a Hypno Slut Kitten like me.

(@_@) meow...

And here I was thinking about joining FetLife.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

And here I was thinking about joining FetLife.

Depends why you use it. I made a profile in case I ever want to look into kink events in my area. It's VERY bare bones and I've never gotten many messages (and they've all been very half-assed but not rude).

 

[StrayKat]

Depends why you use it. I made a profile in case I ever want to look into kink events in my area. It's VERY bare bones and I've never gotten many messages (and they've all been very half-assed but not rude).

Yes, same here. I am not actively looking so I just made a pretty blank profile stating my nationality and orientation.
I do get a message now and then, most are not compatible but it feels good to know there are kinky people who speak my language and are not half world apart if nothing else.
I dont have any hopes of finding Mr. Right anymore, but there is still a chance to find some fun nevertheless.

 

[MeekMe]

I joined for the resources. Every local event page basically said, "check our FL page for more details." It also lets me see some of the people that might hang around. I'm enjoying the very specific groups. There's seriously something for everyone.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Apparently there's a swingers' group 400 miles away from me that's trying to build membership. Over the period of a week, I got two invitations from separate members to check them out at FL, despite the fact that my profile specifies that my interests are centered on sadism (all my profile pics are of S/m toys). I answered them politely - because both invitations were literate - thanking them for their interest, but declining for reasons of health and distance.

They weren't really asshat messages. I think they were more "shotgunned" invites sent to all FL members within 500 miles, so I avoided curmudgeonly behavior and gently pointed out that nearly 400 miles was further than I was willing to travel for some playtime.

(But I never *get* asshat messages, so I never get to post in this wonderful thread, so I took this opportunity )

 

[MeekMe]

Apparently there's a swingers' group 400 miles away from me that's trying to build membership. Over the period of a week, I got two invitations from separate members to check them out at FL, despite the fact that my profile specifies that my interests are centered on sadism (all my profile pics are of S/m toys). I answered them politely - because both invitations were literate - thanking them for their interest, but declining for reasons of health and distance.

They weren't really asshat messages. I think they were more "shotgunned" invites sent to all FL members within 500 miles, so I avoided curmudgeonly behavior and gently pointed out that nearly 400 miles was further than I was willing to travel for some playtime.

(But I never *get* asshat messages, so I never get to post in this wonderful thread, so I took this opportunity )

Sometime in the future, I will send you a solicitation through PM. I'll do my duty and make sure you can fully participate in this thread. I might even call you my dirty, slutty fuckdoll. Because I care.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Sometime in the future, I will send you a solicitation through PM. I'll do my duty and make sure you can fully participate in this thread. I might even call you my dirty, slutty fuckdoll. Because I care.

I was thinking much along these same lines. Perhaps this would contribute to the balance of the universe

 

[Sir_Winston54]

....I never *get* asshat messages, so I never get to post in this wonderful thread, so I took this opportunity )

Sometime in the future, I will send you a solicitation through PM. I'll do my duty and make sure you can fully participate in this thread. I might even call you my dirty, slutty fuckdoll. Because I care.

I was thinking much along these same lines. Perhaps this would contribute to the balance of the universe

Y'all are simply wonderful!

 

[Endless_Night]

Sometime in the future, I will send you a solicitation through PM. I'll do my duty and make sure you can fully participate in this thread. I might even call you my dirty, slutty fuckdoll. Because I care.

I was thinking much along these same lines. Perhaps this would contribute to the balance of the universe

Funny, that makes three of us! So great minds do think alike.

 

[Carlskitty]

I seem to get the one that get right to the point .

Hi I see your a bored housewife il love to chat to u until u make I'm cocky rock hard .Me erm I'm not even married now piss off.

Or hay hi yes I'm good ty just been next door to fuck the lady next door she was naughty.do u have yahoo.
Couldn't even bee assed to reply I was laughing to hard.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I'm not feeling it...

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Evidently I have a cock now!
And I never even knew it... now.
OMG! The fun I will have with it! now

Pooring the massage oil on your back now and rubbing it deeply into your skin and on your hips now. My hands with the slick oil rubbing the cheeks of your ass now. Deeply pressing on the cheeks now massaging them for you. My warm hand moving up and down your lower back slidding over your ass cheeks now and slidding between your ass cheek folds massaing you there . Running my hand between your legs now massaing your flesh, my fingers deeply massaging your cheeks now. Spreading your thighs apart now my hands with oil slide up and down your inner thighs now rubbing and massaging then up toward your ass cheeks rubbing them slidding my hand between your cheeks.
Turning you over on your back now I start to massage and rub your chest now, Rubbing it stroking it nice long strokes my fingers slick from the warm massage oil .
slidding over both nipples at the same time now. Just lay back and enjoy the relaxation from the massage now. My hands with the oil on them sliddinng down your abdomen now from your chest. Rubbing your upper abdomen then spreading out my oiled hands over your lower abdomen now massaing you now deeply my hands going all the way down to both sides of your pelvis where your legs joins your body and rubbing tht area now. my oiled hands slide over you limp cock now and I continue to massage you helping you to relax now. You breathing picks up and your heart starts to beat faster. My hands massaging in your pubic area relaxing you now then slidding between your legs now and massaging you there as well.

My hands continue to massage you with oil between your legs now rubbing your balls with the oil then slidding my hand up and down your cock now making it very hard and throbbing now. Pre cum starts to drop from your cock head.

 

[seela]

Evidently I have a cock now!
And I never even knew it... now.
OMG! The fun I will have with it! now

I'm sure it goes well with your boobs.

 

[midwestyankee]

Evidently I have a cock now!
And I never even knew it... now.
OMG! The fun I will have with it! now

I hope he won't wake you too early in the morning.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

I'm sure it goes well with your boobs.

I'm knitting a special little scarf for him! To go with my knitted Texas flag bikini top...

I hope he won't wake you too early in the morning.

Oh great. Like my kitty doesn't do a good enough job at that already...

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

WT..
Now I got the.. "MAST OF CREATION" message from Asshat #2. Is it some sort of special Asshat Week that nobody told me about?!?

ETA:
In case anyone missed the MAST message...

Do you really think that a pathetic form letter that sounds as though it's from a Jr High student is going to grab my attention in any way other than eliciting a snort of derision and a pointed message for you? It won't.
Snort.
Fuck off.

hey babygirl

I am a caring and nurturing mature daddy. I like to take care of baby-girls in moments when they need daddy's warm strong arms hugging them to his strong chest...murmuring soothing sweet nothings in their ears...not realizing that his THICK DADDY COCK rubbing against her...as if having a mind of its own...is growing harder. What he thinks is that DADDY's COCK being the MAST OF CREATION for baby-girl...it is something that baby-girl needs to worship...on her knees...with DADDY's THICK POLE swinging in front of her face...as she looks at it... mesmerized and thankful for bringing her in this world. Are you the girl i am looking for?

hugs,
ASSHAT#2

Ooooohhh! Snap! Maybe we can rub cocks while he is hugging me...

 

[IrisAlthea]

Evidently I have a cock now!
And I never even knew it... now.
OMG! The fun I will have with it! now

WT..
Now I got the.. "MAST OF CREATION" message from Asshat #2. Is it some sort of special Asshat Week that nobody told me about?!?

ETA:
In case anyone missed the MAST message...



Ooooohhh! Snap! Maybe we can rub cocks while he is hugging me...

I think you should introduce them to each other.
Seems like a match made in heaven.

 

[FantasyGir1]

WT..
Now I got the.. "MAST OF CREATION" message from Asshat #2. Is it some sort of special Asshat Week that nobody told me about?!?

ETA:
In case anyone missed the MAST message...



Ooooohhh! Snap! Maybe we can rub cocks while he is hugging me...

I, too, have received the Mast PM. I read it out loud to Daddy and we were both laughing so hard! It makes it even funnier knowing he's sending it to everyone!

 

[midwestyankee]

I, too, have received the Mast PM. I read it out loud to Daddy and we were both laughing so hard! It makes it even funnier knowing he's sending it to everyone!

I has a sad. I don't even get PMs about the Cast of Maceration.

 

[BiBunny]

I wonder if it's a violation of Lit's rules to inform the asshats who message me that I will do what they want for a fee. It's not like I'm soliciting them. I just want to make it clear that I'm just not the kind of girl who will give away for free what she can make good money on.