The Peice Between Us - BDSM thriller

[ChuckandAndrea]

As TadOverdon pointed out, the story is first person past tense, told by the person who would have died if it were a snuff story. You could have made the ending even more obscure, but I doubt that would have helped with the response you're getting.

But then, maybe the story is being told from the afterlife.

I still find it interesting that here on lit the only thought anyone seems to have is that the woman is the only possible recipient of that "bang"... others off of lit had a myriad of possibilities...

...and as I already pointed out, first person past tense is no guarantee that the narrator survived. I can think of a couple of examples that won Best Original Screenplay, just for starters.

OTOH, I'm having real trouble thinking of stories which ended abruptly with a gunshot, where that wasn't intended to imply a death.

I'm not sure why people here have so much trouble considering other possibilities... im telling you flat out now.. nobody dies.

Laurel passed it into the file. So, the choices seem to be either to report it to encourage her to take a second look or mind your own business.

Nah, that ain't no fun. I asked for feedback, and I'm getting it. Its ok that people are upset, its not a comfortable story. Its purposefully upsetting.

Keep it coming... Im hoping someone actually figures it out. Though seems like that's probably not happening, at least here on lit.

 

[TadOverdon]

Wouldn't be the first story told that way to end with the death of the narrator. Not a particularly common device, but I could name a couple of (extremely spoilery) examples in published fiction.

A good point.

I'll name one because it's fairly obscure, nearly half a century old, and because Rosebud is a fucking sled: War Year, by Joe Haldeman. In his case, the book ends in mid-sentence at the instant the narrator realizes he's stepped on a mine.

There's something to be said for that, philosophically.

When he started putting it to his own head, it was almost more of the same.

Rereading the story under discussion here, I'll take a guess that the husband shot himself. But that's a stab in the dark.

It's not badly written and the style does build suspense.. It's not my kind of thing and I don't think I'd look for the next one by the author because for my taste it's a stunt that doesn't promise anything beyond another stunt.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

A good point.

I'll name one because it's fairly obscure, nearly half a century old, and because Rosebud is a fucking sled: War Year, by Joe Haldeman. In his case, the book ends in mid-sentence at the instant the narrator realizes he's stepped on a mine.

There's something to be said for that, philosophically.



Rereading the story under discussion here, I'll take a guess that the husband shot himself. But that's a stab in the dark.

It's not badly written and the style does build suspense.. It's not my kind of thing and I don't think I'd look for the next one by the author because for my taste it's a stunt that doesn't promise anything beyond another stunt.

My other published stories are quite different. This was an attempt at something outside of what i normally write.

Next one is straight up horror and it's pending. Might be too edgy for this site and definitely has that stunt element.

My 4 part series that's posted is along the lines of the stuff I've always written. Swingers, group sex, that sorta thing...

I'm working on a long one right now that may take a while... unlike any of the other stuff too... midlife crisis mixed with coming of age style thing. I'm super new to writing much other than redescribing my own personal sexual experiences and exploring our fantasies as a couple. None of that has been posted and probably wont.

I see myself moving more towards this darker stuff, more into the horror realm. I'm a horror movie junkie - can't get enough. I have a bazillion ideas - erotic, non-erotic... all horror based.

Prolly gonna focus in on the straight erotica stuff to post on here going forward. Seems like the audience doesn't quite enjoy my spillings from the darker depths. The next one, if approved, will determine if the stuff that I'm really into writing is going to be a fit at all on here.

And husband shooting himself, leaving her tied up to deal with the kids who are all certainly to be awakened by the noise was my wife's take as well. Though, like I said, my own personal ending is based on real people and nobody dies.

 

[lovecraft68]

Laurel passed it into the file. So, the choices seem to be either to report it to encourage her to take a second look or mind your own business.

Speaking of minding your own business, here you are again commenting on a thread about a story you won't bother reading, but posting anyway to be snarky to the people who did read it and are discussing it.

 

[lovecraft68]

Sure. And the person that wrote the story is telling you that too... also telling you "jumping to conclusions" was the intent.

Seeing its short, I gave it another quick read.

I'm going to reiterate what AMD said about this little reverse psychology game you're trying to play.

People are saying its one thing, you're pretending to be clever and saying but it could be this, when you're not being clever, you're being coy because it is what I and a couple others here feel it is.

I don't judge anyone's writing. I respect anyone who has it in them to write and the thick skin it takes to post it for comments and feedback, especially something edgy for lack of a better term.

But I stick to my post its snuff and you're not as edgy or original as you think you are, nor that clever. Its all been done before, nothing any of us write is totally original.

I won't try to be coy or clever, what cemented it to me is the way the asshat is talking to the woman, its not BDSM its verbal abuse, he's an angry violent POS...he's not going to off himself, he's going to off her to feed his obvious hatred and anger and give himself the ultimate rush.

That's my theory, and if nothing else you have gotten a discussion going.

 

[TadOverdon]

Well, if the author would like to have a discussion of any interest with other writers about the story at this point, it would be worthwhile for them to lay out what, in fact, was their intent and directly answer questions about why various incidents and images occur as they do in the story.

This isn't a classroom or a fan club. "I'm interested in what you think" is just attention-seeking at this point. "Coy," someone called it. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

FWIW, another reason I read it as the dude shooting himself is because the narrator makes a point of his craving for risk-seeking, with himself in previous situations as the person assuming the risk.

 

[lovecraft68]

.FWIW, another reason I read it as the dude shooting himself is because the narrator makes a point of his craving for risk-seeking, with himself in previous situations as the person assuming the risk.

Valid point, years ago when I was young, drunk and nuts(as opposed to just being nuts now) I put one in a chamber, spun the barrel pulled the trigger. To the chagrin of many in my life since that point, I won the 1/6 odds.

But I hold to his anger and the way he was speaking to and treating her as why I think it him killing her. Also, being a risk seeker is putting yourself at risk, you wouldn't risk the life of another, plus lie about the gun not being loaded.

Portray the character as an asshole, I'm going to judge them for an asshole, and too much of a narcissist to take his own life....but wouldn't it be a risk taker thing to do to take someone else's to see if you can get away with it?

However, let's say he did kill himself, during/just after a sexual coupling....suicide is still snuff, its death during sexual satisfaction.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Seeing its short, I gave it another quick read.

I'm going to reiterate what AMD said about this little reverse psychology game you're trying to play.

People are saying its one thing, you're pretending to be clever and saying but it could be this, when you're not being clever, you're being coy because it is what I and a couple others here feel it is.

I don't judge anyone's writing. I respect anyone who has it in them to write and the thick skin it takes to post it for comments and feedback, especially something edgy for lack of a better term.

But I stick to my post its snuff and you're not as edgy or original as you think you are, nor that clever. Its all been done before, nothing any of us write is totally original.

I won't try to be coy or clever, what cemented it to me is the way the asshat is talking to the woman, its not BDSM its verbal abuse, he's an angry violent POS...he's not going to off himself, he's going to off her to feed his obvious hatred and anger and give himself the ultimate rush.

That's my theory, and if nothing else you have gotten a discussion going.

Well, maybe you should take a step back and stop reading it. You have an emotional response to it that limits your ability to listen when I clearly explained the intent of the story. My ending is different than your ending and neither of us is wrong. It was purposefully set up that way for the reader to fill in the blanks.

I do find it interesting how after re-reading it, and seeing various alternative explanations, you're still clinging to your original interpretation of my intent even thought it's clearly wrong. In fact, you've delved into kink-shaming as a way to justify you being wrong. Many women like to be spoken to like that during sex. In fact, the narrator acknowledges that she likes it as it's happening.

That said, I've admitted, now twice, that I didn't think the thing was particularly clever and I'm not trying to be coy here... I'd love someone to guess it, but since everyone's so up in arms about it, I guess I'll just spill the beans. Don't be confused though, your ad hominem isn't my motivation here... I'm looking for another level of feedback. The story was perfect in doing EXACTLY what I intended it to do, now I'm more interested in the technical aspects to improve my writing abilities.

Well, if the author would like to have a discussion of any interest with other writers about the story at this point, it would be worthwhile for them to lay out what, in fact, was their intent and directly answer questions about why various incidents and images occur as they do in the story.

This isn't a classroom or a fan club. "I'm interested in what you think" is just attention-seeking at this point. "Coy," someone called it. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

FWIW, another reason I read it as the dude shooting himself is because the narrator makes a point of his craving for risk-seeking, with himself in previous situations as the person assuming the risk.

I've already laid it out. My intent was for the readers imagination to take over and for them to run with it. I never thought it would be this effective... honestly, I kinda thought it was hack bullshit as I was putting it down. Just thought it might be fun. I know my wife loved it and so have several others outside of lit.

At any rate, I purposefully wrote it to give multiple possibilities. Nobody knows where the gun was pointed. Nobody knows what that bang actually was. Jump to conclusions in your own head.

Maybe it's just not a good fit for this place considering the emotional connections people seem to have with what they want in a story. And here I thought Loving Wives was bad lol.

Now for the big reveal... prepare to be disappointed.

My bar friend I mentioned earlier had a little girly friend who was a bit of a thrill seeker, not unlike the husband in this story. Frankly, dude was a thrill seeker too (I'll save the story about shattering my kneecap on his stunt bike for another time). They dated for a minute and she started pushing things in the bedroom. Wanted him to slap her in the face. Wanted him to really hurt her during sex. It was too much for him, then she suggested a gun. No bullets and not a revolver, just a regular old pistol. After playing with it for a while she started asking him to cock it and pull the trigger while it was in her mouth. One time, he racked the slide and a fucking bullet came out. Turns out, she loaded some blanks in there and didn't say anything, having no clue that a blank in the mouth could easily kill her just the same... He dumped her immediately.

So there it is in all it's pathetic glory. IMHO it's much better when you fill it in yourself. And for the record, my initial imagining had him being smart enough to know there's still a LOT of power coming from the muzzle when you fire a blank so he pointed it away from either of them.

All that said, any other feedback on my writing in general?

 

[TadOverdon]

Only a slight elaboration on what I said previously: you built the tension/suspense well, and laid in the backstory and exposition directly and effectively as you went.

I don't think I reacted to it as strongly as Lovecraft68 because it only engaged me on that one level, the creation of anxiety in the reader.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Only a slight elaboration on what I said previously: you built the tension/suspense well, and laid in the backstory and exposition directly and effectively as you went.

Thank you. I know this isn't your thing, but I'd be curious as to your thoughts on my other works... my 4 part thing is NOTHING like this. No sweat if you don't, I'm in no position to ask anything of anyone... grateful for anyone willing to take a look at any of my stuff.

 

[lovecraft68]

Well

First off, I'm not kink shaming, I'm saying the story isn't within the rules of the site regardless of who dies. I gave it a second read to be fair and see if I found anything to change my mind and I didn't.

Also, you were trying to be ambiguous with the ending, and wanting to leave it that way; up for interpretation, but now because you don't like my interpretation you're coming out and saying no, I'm wrong.

So much for sticking to your interpretation stance.

My reaction is not emotional, its the way I see it. Just as I don't see it being BDSM in anyway and Bramblethorn picked up on the fact its non consensual because he lies about the gun...maybe non con would have been a better pick. If you made it longer and could give it a more ominous air Erotic horror could have been a choice.

Nice try making it seem like the story bothered me, trust me, you're not that good and I'm way to jaded when it comes to violence or horror for that to happen. I've written things that make this seem like family game night, I just know not to put it here.

But again, you've posted something to get people talking/thinking and that's what this forum is for. I've stated my take on the story and I'll add my take is I am right, and you're changing your tune on the ending because its been pointed out it doesn't fit the rules here. You went from clever and coy to spin doctoring.

In the end I'm one opinion, you'll get others.

 

[SimonDoom]

At any rate, I purposefully wrote it to give multiple possibilities. Nobody knows where the gun was pointed. Nobody knows what that bang actually was. Jump to conclusions in your own head.

Maybe it's just not a good fit for this place considering the emotional connections people seem to have with what they want in a story. And here I thought Loving Wives was bad lol.

You're misinterpreting the reaction you are getting, at least most of the reactions. This is not an emotional reaction or a "Loving Wives" response at all. The vicious Loving Wives commenters attack the author for publishing content they personally disapprove of. That's not what most of us are doing. It's not what I'm doing. What I'm saying is that your story, reasonably interpreted, probably crosses the boundaries of what the Site allows. It seems to have gotten past Laurel. That's fine with me.

From the Site's point of view, however, it's irrelevant what your personal subjective interpretation of your story is. The purpose of the Site's rule is that it doesn't want this Site to showcase stories where the story seeks to arouse people through death and torture. That being the case, the Site has no interest in what your personal interpretation is. It cares how people actually will respond to your story and what kind of erotic appeal it provides. And you've had a number of answers from a number of experienced authors with considerable experience with the Site's standards tell you what their interpretation is.

I don't know how any reader would read the story the way you do, based on your words. How would anyone know blanks are involved? Where was the gun pointed when it went "bang"?

At a minimum, I think the erotic appeal of the story arises from the growing tension that somebody's going to get shot. It feels like a Russian Roulette story, with a bad ending.

It doesn't bother me that it got past Laurel. I'm just saying I'm surprised because it doesn't strike me --based on its actual words, not your undisclosed intention -- as conforming to Laurel's standards.

 

[lovecraft68]

You're misinterpreting the reaction you are getting, at least most of the reactions. This is not an emotional reaction or a "Loving Wives" response at all. The vicious Loving Wives commenters attack the author for publishing content they personally disapprove of. That's not what most of us are doing. It's not what I'm doing. What I'm saying is that your story, reasonably interpreted, probably crosses the boundaries of what the Site allows. It seems to have gotten past Laurel. That's fine with me.

From the Site's point of view, however, it's irrelevant what your personal subjective interpretation of your story is. The purpose of the Site's rule is that it doesn't want this Site to showcase stories where the story seeks to arouse people through death and torture. That being the case, the Site has no interest in what your personal interpretation is. It cares how people actually will respond to your story and what kind of erotic appeal it provides. And you've had a number of answers from a number of experienced authors with considerable experience with the Site's standards tell you what their interpretation is.

I don't know how any reader would read the story the way you do, based on your words. How would anyone know blanks are involved? Where was the gun pointed when it went "bang"?

At a minimum, I think the erotic appeal of the story arises from the growing tension that somebody's going to get shot. It feels like a Russian Roulette story, with a bad ending.

It doesn't bother me that it got past Laurel. I'm just saying I'm surprised because it doesn't strike me --based on its actual words, not your undisclosed intention -- as conforming to Laurel's standards.

Let me ask you this, tension is one thing, tension is a good device in any genre, but you said erotic appeal....if someone is being aroused at the idea that someone is going to die...what does that make this? What does snuff appeal to? People who get off on death(and they're out there)

Also as far as blanks...they can still injure someone

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blank_(cartridge)

But more importantly, how did we get from no, the shooter killed himself, to now its blanks?

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

First off, I'm not kink shaming, I'm saying the story isn't within the rules of the site regardless of who dies. I gave it a second read to be fair and see if I found anything to change my mind and I didn't.

Also, you were trying to be ambiguous with the ending, and wanting to leave it that way; up for interpretation, but now because you don't like my interpretation you're coming out and saying no, I'm wrong.

So much for sticking to your interpretation stance.

My reaction is not emotional, its the way I see it. Just as I don't see it being BDSM in anyway and Bramblethorn picked up on the fact its non consensual because he lies about the gun...maybe non con would have been a better pick. If you made it longer and could give it a more ominous air Erotic horror could have been a choice.

Nice try making it seem like the story bothered me, trust me, you're not that good and I'm way to jaded when it comes to violence or horror for that to happen. I've written things that make this seem like family game night, I just know not to put it here.

But again, you've posted something to get people talking/thinking and that's what this forum is for. I've stated my take on the story and I'll add my take is I am right, and you're changing your tune on the ending because its been pointed out it doesn't fit the rules here. You went from clever and coy to spin doctoring.

In the end I'm one opinion, you'll get others.

Go back and read what I've written. Ive been perfectly consistent this entire time. My intention was allowing the reader flexibility to determine their own ending... that doesn't mean that MY interpretation was the same.. again, I left it vague on purpose BUT YOU said my intention was snuff and that just your own bullshit projected onto me and what I've clearly outlined.. of course,, your reaction is perfect... exaclty the type of thing i hoped for... your instance that my intention was something that it isn't is your projection based on a personal experience you shared... which makes perfect sense given the story.

You're misinterpreting the reaction you are getting, at least most of the reactions. This is not an emotional reaction or a "Loving Wives" response at all. The vicious Loving Wives commenters attack the author for publishing content they personally disapprove of. That's not what most of us are doing. It's not what I'm doing. What I'm saying is that your story, reasonably interpreted, probably crosses the boundaries of what the Site allows. It seems to have gotten past Laurel. That's fine with me.

From the Site's point of view, however, it's irrelevant what your personal subjective interpretation of your story is. The purpose of the Site's rule is that it doesn't want this Site to showcase stories where the story seeks to arouse people through death and torture. That being the case, the Site has no interest in what your personal interpretation is. It cares how people actually will respond to your story and what kind of erotic appeal it provides. And you've had a number of answers from a number of experienced authors with considerable experience with the Site's standards tell you what their interpretation is.

I don't know how any reader would read the story the way you do, based on your words. How would anyone know blanks are involved? Where was the gun pointed when it went "bang"?

At a minimum, I think the erotic appeal of the story arises from the growing tension that somebody's going to get shot. It feels like a Russian Roulette story, with a bad ending.

It doesn't bother me that it got past Laurel. I'm just saying I'm surprised because it doesn't strike me --based on its actual words, not your undisclosed intention -- as conforming to Laurel's standards.

Fair enough. I don't challenge that, except for the focus here has been very specifically on my intentions...

And you got it 100% right with the "how would anyone know"... thats the point, they wouldn't... its up to YOUR interpretation. MY interpretation was different than yours. Yours is different from Laurels. Different from my wife's. Just because someone's been around here forever doesn't mean their interpretation is any more valid than the first time lit reader.

Obviously peoples personal perspectives are gonna play a big part and as such, the Loving Wives thing holds true. Cause someone got drunk and put a gun to her head years ago, her perspective is one thing. Because someone else likes other works that do what I tired to do a million times better, they had a different perspective.

Let me ask you this, tension is one thing, tension is a good device in any genre, but you said erotic appeal....if someone is being aroused at the idea that someone is going to die...what does that make this? What does snuff appeal to? People who get off on death(and they're out there)

Also as far as blanks...they can still injure someone

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blank_(cartridge)

But more importantly, how did we get from no, the shooter killed himself, to now its blanks?

How did we get here? Honestly and I'm not just trying to poke you... because your personal experience is clouding your judgement and apparently your reading comprehension.

You said my intention was snuff and I said it wasn't. I said my intention was to leave the interpretation up to the reader and you said no, my intention was snuff. I then said, no its up to the reader and offered several examples of other readers stating they had different interpretations, including myself. You basically called me a liar and said it was snuff. I acknowledged specifically what my interpretation was and you again said I'm full of shit.

Now you're taking someone else's interpretation, conflating it with mine, and asking how we got here. So, I'm just telling you again... you had a personal experience that caused this to hit you in a specific way and now you're shitting up this thread acting like anybody who thinks differently is somehow lesser. How did we get here? RTFF... its all spelled out now, several times.

I'm sure this post isn't going to make me any friends, but for fucks sake, I've tried to put this to bed as has been asked of me... and here you are not knowing what in the fuck you're talking about and doing so with some real confident authority.

But hey, maybe this'll get me banned and I can brag about being banned from a site when marketing my works in the future.

Of course, if you want to say I'm a shit writer, I'm all ears... thats the feedback I'm interested in at this point now that my intentions have been beat to death and buried in a shallow grave.

 

[JackBellend41]

Wow, I read this story a few days ago and didn’t have time to reply. Now I’m sorry I didn’t sooner.

First, my interpretation on the “bang” was an orgasm.

As far as the story, I would have much preferred you to start building the suspense with interactions illustrating the husbands decent into BDSM. It would make for a longer story, but the reader has no investment in either character because we don’t get to decide if we like or hate or feel for them at all.

Jack

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Wow, I read this story a few days ago and didn’t have time to reply. Now I’m sorry I didn’t sooner.

First, my interpretation on the “bang” was an orgasm.

As far as the story, I would have much preferred you to start building the suspense with interactions illustrating the husbands decent into BDSM. It would make for a longer story, but the reader has no investment in either character because we don’t get to decide if we like or hate or feel for them at all.

Jack

Thank you.

I struggle a lot with my stories as I always like to jump in the middle of things to start and then fill in the blanks as I go. On my other stuff, someone else pointed out that same thing. Would be nice to start from the beginning, rather than to jump in the middle without building the characters first. Something I can definitely work on with future stories.

Not that there was a time constraint or anything, but this was a super quick one. I'm writing a longer one that develops characters a bit more up front, though I do drop you right into the action within the first couple of paragraphs. I can def do more up front though, even with these real short ones.

 

[Payne_Hall]

Okay, a few things.

Category: This doesn’t have the feel of something right for BDSM, even if the descriptions during the beginning talks about them experimenting. I’ve found there’s a certain fetish level that just can’t go in BDSM. It’s better in noncon or erotic horror. One of the things I feel exacerbates this is the impression the reader gets that the woman is doing all this out of a sense of self shame due to her body image.

Description: It doesn’t give warning. You might be able to get away with this if it was a longer story with build up that added warning.

Grammar/structure: You have a decent sentence flow going through most of it, but seem to have a few tense change issues. It seems that this kind of thing is more noticeable in shorter stories and there’s also a few other issues along those lines (punctuation and word dropping) that could have been edited. As a personal preference, I also discourage things like all caps in favor of more intense wording.

Other issues: This kind of thing can be done, but it’s one of those things that has to be done really well in order for it to work. I’ve often found that there’s a certain “darker side” level that requires a perspective switch, so that people can see the sadist’s motivations. Fetishes are more enjoyable when they’re understandable.

Having a hanging ending like that (whatever it was supposed to be) seems to be rarely well received with certain kinds of content and certain focuses, as well. I think someone mentioned during the April Fools Day contest that readers are really divided about feeling tricked.

Personal issue: Spinning revolver cylinders aren’t overly loud unless there’s something wrong with one. Most are really quiet, actually. I suppose it could be said that she was so terrified of them that it seemed loud, but after that many times and that close to orgasm... I don’t know. Like I said, personal issue.

Whichever kid broke down the door is going to be in therapy a while.

 

[Emirus]

I’ve got a story which was initially rejected because a woman who was a witness to a kidnapping was shot and killed to stop her identifying the kidnapper, who was masked, and the person who was kidnapped was ultimately killed because they deserved it. Laurel thought the killing of the witness was unnecessary so I had to change it in order to get it published.

Because of that I’m surprised this story got passed her because the murder of the woman is designed not only to give the two protagonists sexual satisfaction but it’s clearly intended to have the reader masturbate at the thought of someone being killed whilst having sex.

I like stories which have a twist in the tail and I’ve used it myself as well as reading stories on here and by mainstream authors. But, in my opinion, if that was the intention here the ending doesn’t fall into that category.

As regards the story being related by a dead woman, which is how it comes across, a long time ago I read a story on here, written in the first person, of a physically small man following an Amazonian woman home. She took him inside her house and abused and raped him and then started to dismember him whilst he was still alive. The story ends with him describing his dismembered body being in a chest freezer alongside the dismembered remains of her other victims. It was worded to make the reader think she was a cannibal. I still wonder how the story got past Laurel.

I’ve just come across this thread and “attempted” to read every comment in full but I’ve failed. I would like to say this discussion has been interesting to follow and initially it was but there has been so much repetition it’s got boring.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Okay, a few things.

Category: This doesn’t have the feel of something right for BDSM, even if the descriptions during the beginning talks about them experimenting. I’ve found there’s a certain fetish level that just can’t go in BDSM. It’s better in noncon or erotic horror. One of the things I feel exacerbates this is the impression the reader gets that the woman is doing all this out of a sense of self shame due to her body image.

Description: It doesn’t give warning. You might be able to get away with this if it was a longer story with build up that added warning.

Grammar/structure: You have a decent sentence flow going through most of it, but seem to have a few tense change issues. It seems that this kind of thing is more noticeable in shorter stories and there’s also a few other issues along those lines (punctuation and word dropping) that could have been edited. As a personal preference, I also discourage things like all caps in favor of more intense wording.

Other issues: This kind of thing can be done, but it’s one of those things that has to be done really well in order for it to work. I’ve often found that there’s a certain “darker side” level that requires a perspective switch, so that people can see the sadist’s motivations. Fetishes are more enjoyable when they’re understandable.

Having a hanging ending like that (whatever it was supposed to be) seems to be rarely well received with certain kinds of content and certain focuses, as well. I think someone mentioned during the April Fools Day contest that readers are really divided about feeling tricked.

Personal issue: Spinning revolver cylinders aren’t overly loud unless there’s something wrong with one. Most are really quiet, actually. I suppose it could be said that she was so terrified of them that it seemed loud, but after that many times and that close to orgasm... I don’t know. Like I said, personal issue.

Whichever kid broke down the door is going to be in therapy a while.

Fantastic, thank you.

Yes, I originally thought about putting it in horror... in retrospect, probably a better fit.

I was also afraid giving it too much of a description would give it away, same with it being under horror. I had the opposite thought as you, figuring it being short would make that all a little more forgiveable if people thought it was in the wrong place or something.

Yes, I caught various things after posting. Always seems that way. Probably just easier to edit with the space limitations of my phone. And that tense thing is something I'm constantly struggling with... its an ongoing battle that I really need more focus on.

I figured there was a chance at pissing people off by leaving them hanging or their interpretation of what happened would be upsetting. I wasn't expecting the level to which it seemed to anger some, but I get it to a certain degree.

Volume is an issue i struggle with here and in my current pending story. Differentiating between loud and soft or more like soft and softer is a challenge. I do agree that the caps thing is a bit of a cheat and I'd be better served using 'more intense wording' saving the caps for more special moments, if ever at all.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

I’ve got a story which was initially rejected because a woman who was a witness to a kidnapping was shot and killed to stop her identifying the kidnapper, who was masked, and the person who was kidnapped was ultimately killed because they deserved it. Laurel thought the killing of the witness was unnecessary so I had to change it in order to get it published.

Because of that I’m surprised this story got passed her because the murder of the woman is designed not only to give the two protagonists sexual satisfaction but it’s clearly intended to have the reader masturbate at the thought of someone being killed whilst having sex.

I like stories which have a twist in the tail and I’ve used it myself as well as reading stories on here and by mainstream authors. But, in my opinion, if that was the intention here the ending doesn’t fall into that category.

As regards the story being related by a dead woman, which is how it comes across, a long time ago I read a story on here, written in the first person, of a physically small man following an Amazonian woman home. She took him inside her house and abused and raped him and then started to dismember him whilst he was still alive. The story ends with him describing his dismembered body being in a chest freezer alongside the dismembered remains of her other victims. It was worded to make the reader think she was a cannibal. I still wonder how the story got past Laurel.

I’ve just come across this thread and “attempted” to read every comment in full but I’ve failed. I would like to say this discussion has been interesting to follow and initially it was but there has been so much repetition it’s got boring.

I agree the convo got overly repetitive and while I risk that again, I must reiterate... nobody dies. Its never explained what happens. My inspiration was a real life situation in which again, nobody died. Of course, leaving it up to the reader to choose their own ending clearly opens the door, but many people have the husband dying. Others have alternative ideas. Its really open ended.

In the real life version its the female pushing things and she loaded blanks into a semiauto pistol without him knowing. Thankfully he figured it out before putting in her mouth and pulling the trigger like she liked to do.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

I advise you to investigate the nature of a blank cartridge. They can be deadly at close range, and shooting one in someone's mouth is going to cause a serious injury, including death.

Well aware, already discussed.

...One time, he racked the slide and a fucking bullet came out. Turns out, she loaded some blanks in there and didn't say anything, having no clue that a blank in the mouth could easily kill her just the same... He dumped her immediately.

....

 

[TadOverdon]

I’ve got a story which was initially rejected because a woman who was a witness to a kidnapping was shot and killed to stop her identifying the kidnapper, who was masked, and the person who was kidnapped was ultimately killed because they deserved it. Laurel thought the killing of the witness was unnecessary so I had to change it in order to get it published.

Because of that I’m surprised this story got passed her because the murder of the woman is designed not only to give the two protagonists sexual satisfaction but it’s clearly intended to have the reader masturbate at the thought of someone being killed whilst having sex.

I like stories which have a twist in the tail and I’ve used it myself as well as reading stories on here and by mainstream authors. But, in my opinion, if that was the intention here the ending doesn’t fall into that category.

As regards the story being related by a dead woman, which is how it comes across, a long time ago I read a story on here, written in the first person, of a physically small man following an Amazonian woman home. She took him inside her house and abused and raped him and then started to dismember him whilst he was still alive. The story ends with him describing his dismembered body being in a chest freezer alongside the dismembered remains of her other victims. It was worded to make the reader think she was a cannibal. I still wonder how the story got past Laurel.

I’ve just come across this thread and “attempted” to read every comment in full but I’ve failed. I would like to say this discussion has been interesting to follow and initially it was but there has been so much repetition it’s got boring.

Digressing here, but how likely is a novel that uses a conventional thriller or murder mystery plot to be rejected for violence here? Specifically, what I'm working on now includes a fatal confrontation that doesn't take place in a sexual context, but does involve two characters who have such a history earlier in the story. I hate to describe it as prosaic (oh noes!) but for the sake of an example let's say that it's nothing you wouldn't find on any given episode of a CBS procedural like NCIS: New Orleans (assuming that you had a partner who enjoys that kind of dull entertainment and hogs the remote. Which I of course absolutely do not). Along the lines of: Car. Cliff. Duct tape. Struggle over weapon. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

[TadOverdon]

Also, nitpicking: is it possible on this BBS for a topic creator to edit their own topic title? Because the misspelling in this one is pushing my OCD to distractiing levels.

 

[Emirus]

Digressing here, but how likely is a novel that uses a conventional thriller or murder mystery plot to be rejected for violence here?

Whether or not Laurel accepts murder depends on whether or not she thinks it’s gratuitous.

She obviously thought the murder of the witness, in Consequences, was and as it didn’t make any real difference to the story I used chloroform instead. She also thought the person being kidnapped further on was gratuitous but when I explained without it the story would be a waste of time she allowed it. There were some further murders, justified and unjustified, further on but I was careful with their description. Consequences has been published in Mature.

https://www.literotica.com/s/consequences-21

I have another story in which several characters are shot and killed and again I took care with the description of the murders not to make them appear gratuitous but necessary for the plot. Kidnapped has been published in Romance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/kidnapped-53

None of the deaths, in either story, are described in any kind of sexual way. No reader, unless they were really weird, could get an orgasm, by any method they choose or prefer, and I think that’s where Laurel draws the line.

That’s why I can’t understand how she allowed the OP’s story because its intent is clearly to have the reader, male or female, masturbate because their imagination tells them the woman, or man, has died in an erotic situation caused by an unnecessary death.

But that’s got nothing to do with the writer, his intention, or the quality of the story itself. It’s about the consistency of Laurel applying the rules she has written.

 

[KeithD]

Digressing here, but how likely is a novel that uses a conventional thriller or murder mystery plot to be rejected for violence here? Specifically, what I'm working on now includes a fatal confrontation that doesn't take place in a sexual context, but does involve two characters who have such a history earlier in the story. I hate to describe it as prosaic (oh noes!) but for the sake of an example let's say that it's nothing you wouldn't find on any given episode of a CBS procedural like NCIS: New Orleans (assuming that you had a partner who enjoys that kind of dull entertainment and hogs the remote. Which I of course absolutely do not). Along the lines of: Car. Cliff. Duct tape. Struggle over weapon. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A lot of my stories here are mysteries and none that included murder have been rejected. A few have been violent deaths during sex but not getting into gory details.