The random slice critique thread

[BobbyBrandt]

I'll throw another twist into this thread. My current work in progress will likely never appear on Literotica because it is a young adult comedy. Here are approximately 200 random words:

The sounds of screams and bodies falling subsided as every girl in our cabin came awake. I remember being in a dream when someone’s scream had awakened me. Startled, I realized that my face was pressed against the underside of Kelly’s bunk above mine. I had barely begun to process this position when I felt the urge to pass gas. Not able to hold it in any longer, I tried to silently release the pressure, but once it began, the gas just shot out of me with a “Brrrraappp!” The wind was knocked out of me as my body fell three feet onto the mattress of my bunk bed.

Over my rapidly beating heart, I heard more flatulation as Kelly fell onto her bunk, followed by another body, which I think was Carissa. I didn’t want to turn on a lantern in the cabin since that would be obvious to any of the counselors, so I reached under my pillow and retrieved the flashlight that I had been using to read after Fiona had made us extinguish the lanterns at 9 pm.

Turning the flashlight on as I stood, I slowly moved it around to all the bunk beds, seeing a frightened face staring back at me from each. I continued to study the room but saw nothing I could identify as being amiss.

 

[MelissaBaby]

You're right. It does cover it. What tripped me up, I think, was the use of the passive voice: "Her head was in constant motion, as if she was examining everything around her." Maybe just: "Her head swayed constantly, as if ..." or "Her head moved constantly, as if ..."

Again, this is all informed by my personal biases and preferences. Just because I tend to avoid passive voice in most cases doesn't mean it's not the best choice here. I use it too when it feels right. You know best what fits your voice. I'm just using my finest toothed comb trying to find nits that I can pick for the sake of making a suggestion or two.

I appreciate that particular critique, because I think I tend to overuse the passive voice.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I'll try one before I look at the other samples here.

Category: First time.
Location: a restaurant in Englewood Cliffs, NJ in 1989. (I just wouldn't be happy if I didn't give the location and time period, would I?)
Narrator: Steve, 27, who works in an office nearby.
Alisa: Age 25, his new coworker of two months.

206 words:

As we were finishing our meal, Alisa suddenly said, “Steve, this is the first date I’ve been on since my separation. If you don’t mind me asking, how many dates have you been on since your separation?”

I tried to deflect the question, “Well, as a rule of thumb I don’t date coworkers.” That sounded a bit harsh, and I instantly regretted phrasing it that way. Also, I didn’t want to refer to my ex if at all possible.

Alisa wasn’t fazed, “Let’s face it; you’re on a date right now, with me. Sometimes rules are made to be broken. And you still haven’t answered my question.”

I lied, “Oh, I’ve been on a couple.” I didn’t want to sound as pathetic as I had been feeling.

Alisa briefly squinted at me, and I doubted that she believed what I had said. “A couple, okay. That’s better than none, I suppose.” At least I had tried to play the game correctly.

Yet she still seemed to be in a good mood, and she didn’t call me out on my fib. I was prepared to lie further and tell her the names of those nonexistent women and where I had met them. However, that never became necessary.


I haven't even critiqued my own sample yet.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I appreciate that particular critique, because I think I tend to overuse the passive voice.

First thought: an interesting setting for that category, that's for sure. It was when Roller Derby was just starting out? Belle Isle is in Detroit? Also, a good area to place all of this.

 

[djrip]

Going to be in incest I suppose...

"There we are," she said, smiling at him. "Don't have to reach far to share, now." She leaned over, her bare shoulder touching his arm, as she slipped a hand into the tub between his legs.

"Yeah," he agreed, starting to sweat. His cock was slowly getting harder in his underwear. And his legs were held apart by the popcorn so he couldn't do much to control it. He shook his head, just slightly. His cock shouldn't be getting hard for his aunt. His cool, hot Aunt Trish.

"Everything okay?" she asked, turning from the screen. She paused with her hand in the bucket to look at him. He could sense her, inches from his growing erection. He was glad it was so dark in the theater; he could feel himself lengthening, pushing stiffly into the material of his underpants and his jeans. He must be making a bulge there by now.

He felt his erection make contact with the smooth cylinder of the popcorn tub.

"Uh, of course," he said, a bit breathily. He tried to shift away but he was up against the back of the chair. There was nowhere to go.

"Okay, bud," Trish said with a grin, resuming her dig into the popcorn.

 

[MelissaBaby]

First thought: an interesting setting for that category, that's for sure. It was when Roller Derby was just starting out? Belle Isle is in Detroit? Also, a good area to place all of this.

A couple of months ago, I would not have been able to tell you much of anything about roller derby, but...

Roller derby started as just that, races on roller skates, as early as the 1880s. In the 1930s, a promoter named Leo Seitzer and the writer, Damon Runyon, came up with the idea of making it a contact sport. It took off and was very popular in the 40s and 50s, especially when it became available on television. Eventually, though, as it became more like pro wrestling than a legitimate sport and fell out of popularity. (It's had quite a comeback more recently.)

My story takes place mostly in the late 50s, in Detroit and in NewYork/New Jersey.

 

[Djmac1031]

Steve, this is the first date I’ve been on since my separation. If you don’t mind me asking, how many dates have you been on since your separation?”

"Your separation / my separation." Repetitive. Try maybe switching one to " my / your relationship ended."

I lied, “Oh, I’ve been on a couple.”

"Oh, I've been on a couple," I lied.

However, that never became necessary.

That never became necessary, thankfully/ fortunately.

My minor suggestions

 

[Kumquatqueen]

OK, this is timely. I could do with some help slimming down a couple clunky paragraphs.

It's a nearly-done Geek Pride story for Humor & Satire, so I'm trying to edit down excess narrative so we can get to both the sexual content and the bad puns.

[Cat is speaking. She and Jake are going to help get our topless narrator stripped and lying across her partner Duncan's lap:
"But if you sit on the sofa and lay her across you, Jake and I can shift her legs."

In a trice, that was what happened. Cat held my ankles still so I couldn't kick; Jake safely removed my leggings and socks, squeezing my toes for fun. Duncan ran his hands possessively over my body, my bare back, my breasts, before grabbing me under my arms and dragging me onto the sofa. I had to comply, to avoid hurting myself on the coffee table. Duncan twisted his hand into my long straight hair to ensure I stayed down over his lap; the other two hefted my legs. In a trice, I was on my knees over his thighs.

Help rephrasing to get rid of more passive voice? Just noticed duplicate 'in a trice' - at least one of those has to go!

 

[gunhilltrain]

A couple of months ago, I would not have been able to tell you much of anything about roller derby, but...

Roller derby started as just that, races on roller skates, as early as the 1880s. In the 1930s, a promoter named Leo Seitzer and the writer, Damon Runyon, came up with the idea of making it a contact sport. It took off and was very popular in the 40s and 50s, especially when it became available on television. Eventually, though, as it became more like pro wrestling than a legitimate sport and fell out of popularity. (It's had quite a comeback more recently.)

My story takes place mostly in the late 50s, in Detroit and in NewYork/New Jersey.

Thank you. I didn't know it went back that far.

Anyway, I'm not that great at copy editing, so I may not have caught some technical issues with the sample. But as for the content, it was really good. It felt vivid yet believable, so that I'm curious to see the rest of it.

 

[gunhilltrain]

"Your separation / my separation." Repetitive. Try maybe switching one to " my / your relationship ended."


"Oh, I've been on a couple," I lied.


That never became necessary, thankfully/ fortunately.

My minor suggestions

Thank you. I used "separation" because she was referring to their marriages. That had been established earlier, and the divorces haven't been finalized yet. But "relationship" doesn't seem like the right word. If you've got another one, I'll consider it.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I tried to deflect the question, “Well, as a rule of thumb I don’t date coworkers.” That sounded a bit harsh, and I instantly regretted phrasing it that way. Also, I didn’t want to refer to my ex if at all possible.

There's a lot of inner voice here - I tend to do have characters overthink what they're saying too and I'm trying to reduce it myself. Here you have three sentences (four phrases) analyzing one sentence. Maybe part of it can be edited down a bit while still giving the same information.

"Well, as a rule of thumb I don't date coworkers." My deflection came out a bit harsh as I was trying to avoid referring to my ex.

Alisa wasn’t fazed, “Let’s face it; you’re on a date right now, with me. Sometimes rules are made to be broken. And you still haven’t answered my question.”

Should be full stop instead of comma after 'fazed'

I lied, “Oh, I’ve been on a couple.” I didn’t want to sound as pathetic as I had been feeling.

To avoid feeling pathetic I lied. "Oh, I've been on a couple."

Alisa briefly squinted at me, and I doubted that she believed what I had said. “A couple, okay. That’s better than none, I suppose.” At least I had tried to play the game correctly.
Yet she still seemed to be in a good mood, and she didn’t call me out on my fib. I was prepared to lie further and tell her the names of those nonexistent women and where I had met them. However, that never became necessary.

Alisa squinted at me briefly. "A couple, okay. That's better than none, I suppose." She may have doubted what I had said but as least I'd tried to play the game correctly, but she still seemed to be in a good mood. I hadn't been called out on my fib, but I'd been prepared to tell her the names of those non-existant women and where I had met them. That never became necesary.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Going to be in incest I suppose...

Struggled to find much to say about this extract. Generally very tight.

"There we are," she said, smiling at him. "Don't have to reach far to share, now." She leaned over, her bare shoulder touching his arm, as she slipped a hand into the tub between his legs.

"Yeah," he agreed, starting to sweat. His cock was slowly getting harder in his underwear. And his legs were held apart by the popcorn so he couldn't do much to control it. He shook his head, just slightly. His cock shouldn't be getting hard for his aunt. His cool, hot Aunt Trish.

Lose the And possibly?
I'd probably rephrase to 'so there wasn't much he could do to control it' but couldn't tell you why. Maybe because 'he' has been the subject so often.

"Everything okay?" she asked, turning from the screen. She paused with her hand in the bucket to look at him. He could sense her, inches from his growing erection. He was glad it was so dark in the theater; he could feel himself lengthening, pushing stiffly into the material of his underpants and his jeans. He must be making a bulge there by now.

He felt his erection make contact with the smooth cylinder of the popcorn tub.

Again a lot of 'he's in a row. Stylistic possibly. I'd rewrite slightly.

He wsa glad it was so dark in the theater. His cock was lenghening. He could feel it pushing stiffly into teh material of his underpants. There must be a bulge there by now. His erection made contact with the smooth cylinder of the popcorn tub.

"Uh, of course," he said, a bit breathily. He tried to shift away but he was up against the back of the chair. There was nowhere to go.

"Okay, bud," Trish said with a grin, resuming her dig into the popcorn.

 

[djrip]

Struggled to find much to say about this extract. Generally very tight.


Lose the And possibly?
I'd probably rephrase to 'so there wasn't much he could do to control it' but couldn't tell you why. Maybe because 'he' has been the subject so often.


Again a lot of 'he's in a row. Stylistic possibly. I'd rewrite slightly.

He wsa glad it was so dark in the theater. His cock was lenghening. He could feel it pushing stiffly into teh material of his underpants. There must be a bulge there by now. His erection made contact with the smooth cylinder of the popcorn tub.

Thanks! Man that does seem like a lot of he's now.

 

[Djmac1031]

OK, this is timely. I could do with some help slimming down a couple clunky paragraphs.

It's a nearly-done Geek Pride story for Humor & Satire, so I'm trying to edit down excess narrative so we can get to both the sexual content and the bad puns.

[Cat is speaking. She and Jake are going to help get our topless narrator stripped and lying across her partner Duncan's lap:
"But if you sit on the sofa and lay her across you, Jake and I can shift her legs."

In a trice, that was what happened. Cat held my ankles still so I couldn't kick; Jake safely removed my leggings and socks, squeezing my toes for fun. Duncan ran his hands possessively over my body, my bare back, my breasts, before grabbing me under my arms and dragging me onto the sofa. I had to comply, to avoid hurting myself on the coffee table. Duncan twisted his hand into my long straight hair to ensure I stayed down over his lap; the other two hefted my legs. In a trice, I was on my knees over his thighs.

Help rephrasing to get rid of more passive voice? Just noticed duplicate 'in a trice' - at least one of those has to go!

Okay, gonna take a shot at this. Feel free to ignore any changes you hate. Merely suggestions:

"If you sit on the sofa, Jake and I can shift her legs as she lays over you."

That was what happened. Cat held my ankles so that I couldn't kick. Jake removed my leggings and socks, squeezing my toes for fun.

Duncan ran his hands possessively over my body, bare back and breasts, then grabbed me under my arms and dragged me onto the sofa. I had to comply, to avoid hurting myself on the coffee table.

Duncan took firm hold of my long, straight hair to ensure I stayed down over his lap while the other two hefted my legs. In a trice, I was on my knees over his thighs.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I watched her roll into the arena, and my first thought was that she looked just like any ordinary woman. But when she mounted the track, it was if she magically transformed. She somehow got bigger. She took a slow skate around the oval, but I noticed that she wasn’t just warming up. Her head was in constant motion, as if she was examining everything around her. A couple of times, she bent over and looked down, studying the surface of the track, though she had skated on it hundreds of times.

On her second lap, she picked up speed until her legs were a blur. My dad had taken me down to Belle Isle once, to watch the time trials for the hydroplane races. Those sleek boats moved so fast and so sure that they rose above the water, just skimming the surface. That’s how Betsy Brautigan skated.

Some of her teammates entered the track, but I could not take my eyes off Betsy. I watched her every move until she finished her warm up and exited back to the locker room.

I figured I should get back to mine, but when I stood, I smelled rancid cigar smoke. I looked behind me and saw Coach Joe sitting a dozen rows up.

“What do you think, Boyd?” he asked.

“I think they are going to kill us.”

He flicked the ashes from his cigar, put it back in his mouth, then growled, “They are definitely going to kill you.”

I like this one. It flows very naturally. I would suggest that since this seems like a first sighting of a main character, and I sense an obvious enamoring on the part of the narrator, there should be a full description of Betsy, not just for the reader but as that would be what our narrator is likely focusing on or at least could not ignore. The phrase 'watched her every move' leaves me wondering what some of those moves might be (even though a couple of moves were already described in her first couple of laps).

 

[pink_silk_glove]

They led her into the oasis, their sloshing feet disturbing the calm clear surface. The whole ordeal had knocked her into a hazy numbness, but once her right foot broke the surface of the pool, something inside her cracked and she began to tremble and sniff back tears. Her knees buckled and the two priests behind her stepped in to each take an arm and prop her up. An urgent despondency consumed her as she realized that her fate was so permanent and yet she was so uncertain. Cybil had never really contemplated her own mortality, and now there was no time left to sort it all out. They taught her how to walk, what to eat, how to pray, who to talk to and who not to talk to and she had always done as she was told unquestioningly, but no one had ever taught her how to let go. She had been a fool. Perhaps the notion had hit her quite hard that this was her last chance to feel something, anything, and so all her feelings began to flow forth at once in a beautiful raging torrent of emotion, and she quietly wept, her tears rolling down her cheeks to drop as elegant crystals into the holy water of the oasis lapping sweetly at her ankles.[/quote]

 

[Djmac1031]

Mine apparently got lost in the shuffle yesterday, so trying again lol.

Gonna throw my hat in this ring lol.

From the latest chapter of my Jenna series I'm currently working on.

I intentionally picked a section I know I want to go back and edit, and already spot several things myself.

But I won't mention them and see if any of you do. Or if you catch something I missed, or have suggestions I haven't considered.

Basic premise of snippet: Guy browsing a young woman's Only Fan page.

 

[NotWise]

Mine apparently got lost in the shuffle yesterday, so trying again lol.

You asked nicely, so...

If I stumbled across your story, then I would skip this passage and maybe the rest of the story. I'm not an avid reader, so take that for what it's worth. For me, it's a lot of description in one chunk.

This line was up front:

Hey guys! I'm Michelle! I'm a 21 year old college student of Filipino descent. I've got long, dark hair, big, full, natural breasts, and an ass you could bounce a quarter off of.

I'm not sure why she would describe the length and color of her hair, the size of her breasts, or the firmness of her butt when photos follow immediately.

 

[Djmac1031]

For me, it's a lot of description in one chunk.

No, actually, I think you've hit on what's been holding me up on this chapter. Because yeah essentially it's just a lot of descriptions.

I'm not sure why she would describe the length and color of her hair, the size of her breasts, or the firmness of her butt when photos follow immediately.

In fairness, I see that kind of self description in a lot of OF profiles.

Usually those descriptions are pinned posts there for people who haven't subscribed yet and CAN'T see the pictures.

 

[NotWise]

In fairness, I see that kind of self description in a lot of OF profiles.

Usually those descriptions are pinned posts there for people who haven't subscribed yet and CAN'T see the pictures.

Showing off my ignorance, I guess.

 

[Djmac1031]

Showing off my ignorance, I guess.

Not at all. If you the reader are unfamiliar with OF or how women generally present themselves there when it comes to selling/advertising themselves, it's on me the writer to present it better.

You've actually given me some thoughts on how to rework this story in general to do away with the massive description dump and come at it from a different angle.

So thank you.

 

[gunhilltrain]

There's a lot of inner voice here - I tend to do have characters overthink what they're saying too and I'm trying to reduce it myself. Here you have three sentences (four phrases) analyzing one sentence. Maybe part of it can be edited down a bit while still giving the same information.

"Well, as a rule of thumb I don't date coworkers." My deflection came out a bit harsh as I was trying to avoid referring to my ex.


Should be full stop instead of comma after 'fazed'


To avoid feeling pathetic I lied. "Oh, I've been on a couple."



Alisa squinted at me briefly. "A couple, okay. That's better than none, I suppose." She may have doubted what I had said but as least I'd tried to play the game correctly, but she still seemed to be in a good mood. I hadn't been called out on my fib, but I'd been prepared to tell her the names of those non-existant women and where I had met them. That never became necesary.

Thanks. Yes, I use a lot of inner voices, usually in italics. I'll consider it, but maybe that's my style.

Quotes: I've seen it done in different ways. One is a full stop; another is a comma. Might depend on context? I've used both, maybe a bit too randomly.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Not at all. If you the reader are unfamiliar with OF or how women generally present themselves there when it comes to selling/advertising themselves, it's on me the writer to present it better.

You've actually given me some thoughts on how to rework this story in general to do away with the massive description dump and come at it from a different angle.

So thank you.

I dealt with the information dump in Geek Pride by having a "Geek Notes" section at the end. Sort of tongue-in-cheek, although it's all true. For most stories, one or two lines at the end should be enough. Like much else, it's a judgment call.

 

[Djmac1031]

I dealt with the information dump in Geek Pride by having a "Geek Notes" section at the end. Sort of tongue-in-cheek, although it's all true. For most stories, one or two lines at the end should be enough. Like much else, it's a judgment call.

I submitted the particular snippet I did specifically because I wasn't happy about how it read.

What I originally hoped for was perhaps suggestions on how to make the descriptive stuff flow better, clearer, streamline it, whatever.

But NotWise comments made me stop and realize that instead of simply a better edit, the whole thing needs a better approach.

Without spoiling too much, the main male character Tom gets caught up in viewing Jenna's friend's OF content.

Jenna catches him, but isn't mad and instead encourages him to continue to enjoy himself while she watches.

Instead of the huge description dump I've written to describe the young lady Michelle and her content, I can instead scatter little pieces of that throughout the story as it progresses.

That way I can describe her while keeping the story moving at the same time.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Not at all. If you the reader are unfamiliar with OF or how women generally present themselves there when it comes to selling/advertising themselves, it's on me the writer to present it better.

You've actually given me some thoughts on how to rework this story in general to do away with the massive description dump and come at it from a different angle.

So thank you.

Oh yeah, Michelle. The way your wrote her, in the first person - "Bouncing a quarter off my ass" - there is a lot of that on Lit, but it's usually male writers I'd guess. So you're stuck between being too PC/virtue signalling and being accurate. I mostly have to wing-it too when writing in the first person about how a woman would describe herself. If it sounds believable, then I go with it.

"It may thus seem that there is nothing extraordinary about my looks, and probably that is true. However, I am content with the way I am."

P.S.: Michelle is not actually writing in a dating profile, is she?