The Shy Exhibitionist

[lena]

Reading posts like Fury's and others, are making me think.
What I can't figure out is -why- I'm so obsessed over what other people think of me. A shrink would probably argue that I seek validation because my dad wasn't around when I was a very young child. I think that's a load of hogwash, because frankly, I don't remember much before the age of 4, so I find it hard to believe that just 'cos he came and went a lot (an army brat was me!) it's permanently screwed me up.

There may be some truth in how a woman's self-esteem is shaped by her relationship with her father. I'm not all knowledgeable about this but over the years have heard certain quickie news clips here or there. Personally, I can see how it has affected me.

My dad was very supportive - he was always there, but not quite there .. you know? Distant. We'd spend lots of time together and we were very close - swim meets, practice, what-not .. but still .. there was this barrier between us. And I felt that whatever I did .. it wasn't good enough. #1 - not good enough. 99% not good enough (what did I do wrong?). Gold medal - not good enough (the time sucked). I've always thought I'm "not enough" - not good enough, no matter what I do. I haven't really acted out (besides taking pictures) .. like turning into a really rebellious teenager.

He never has said anything to me .. ever but it was just in how his reaction .. lacked anything (a distant feel to his happiness at my achievements). And I kept .. at it, really pushing myself and going these amazing things .. but still nothing. It maybe had something to do with how .. I was always left to deal on my own, "because I could .." .. and they would focus their attention on my brother (who was very naughty and needed supervision to buck down).

My relationship with him .. it's somewhat like what you'd see in the movie Amelie. Where I'd be excited to just be with him, that my heart would race like crazy .. I wanted him to SEE me, interact with me.

It's like in a picture - I'd do these things and then run up to him going .. "Did you see that? Did you see that?" and he'd smile and tousle my hair, and say "Good girl!" automatically .. without any meaning. Not that I ever did that running thing But that depiction of it was so perfect .. where I kept pushing for more more more, to be noticed .. but never quite did.

I gave up after awhile and just did things on my own - still at that pace but tried to not care so much. I shouldn't really blame him because .. well, he was busy with work and life and all that.

By the time I was in my late teens, I thought he hated me. Don't know why .. just the whole "nothing right" or "never enough". Or how I'd always question him, debate him about things .. i mean when we're discussing over the dinner table .. we'd get into these intense discussions and so .. i thought since we always rubbed each other the wrong way, he hated me. I thought he loved my brother more - firstborn son, asian family .. enough said. All the attention heaped on him, if he did something .. it was like full of praises.

This is a really long post .. so I guess I'll just cut it short. This is so not a therapy session

I've gotten better with my dad, much better over the years as we started to understand each other - understand where he's coming from. We had a few really intense talks over the years of course It's also really about knowing that we are pretty much alike .. in how we think, and our stubborness .. that made our discussions so heated. My mom always used to say I'm my dad's daughter, and you know I can see it now and it's great.

Anyway now there's none of that drive to please him - to the point of perfectionism anymore .. but the feeling remains. The feelings of never being enough, of wanting to be super perfect perfect before anyone can love me/like me .. all that .. it's still there in me. It's just .. gone into everything - my studies, my job, my relationships with people .. all that. Constantly questioning myself in every single part of my life.

And that's enough with the replies from me

 

[jadefirefly]

lena, you hit it dead on -- there's nothing wrong, exactly, with my relationship with my dad. It's just not *right*. It's never quite enough. Never good enough.

Even today, I'm 26, and in the time between my last post and this one I got attitude, sarcasm and scoldings from him at least three times.

It's very frustrating. And it's very late, so I'll stop here before I sleepy-ramble and say stupid things.

 

[Shankara20]

i think all of your pics of u r great but cant always find an appropriate comment being married and all, but i sure like em
so if i dont comment as much as others, that is why

photo dump, huh?
i have never looked at their pic standards/rules
maybe i should...

[op mini-hijack=Shank]
I am not intending to start a “dump on the folks that run Lit” rant here. This is just my observation. They have posted clear rules for posting pics at can be found in the FAQ. Those rules are ignored by many here, including me. During the great photo dump of ‘05/06 photos that did not more-or-less fit the rules and were posted as attachments using the method provided by Lit, as you use in my thread, were removed. There was such uproar in AmPics that you can only imagine. At the same time as pics that showed no more that a butt were being removed, clearly copywriter web pics of blowjobs that were posted as hotlinks so the image shows in the thread, as I am now using in my thread, were not being removed, despite the fact that they violated several of the posted rules. I have my own theories as to why and how this happened.

In any case, I am now concerned that my pics will be removed if I attached them, but not if I hotlink them, so I hotlink them. If I were asked to stop I would, as long as everyone that used that method, including those in the GB, was asked to stop as well. I think I am posting with a “wink wink nod nod”, but who knows.
[/op mini-hijack]

 

[Shankara20]

I know that my pictures don't show enough of the 'good bits'. In the final thread it was like that .. always "more, more, more" - see more, show more, do more .. not enough, not enough. I just didn't feel like playing any more. It was just so .. tiresome and painful in a way because I always felt that I was 'never enough'. And to do all these things - i don't think anyone knows the amount of time it takes to set up a shot, take it etc. These pictures I thought were beautiful, artistically or not .. and then have people skip over them .. just to see 'pink bits' or a nipple here or there.

If by an off chance, there is a show of a bit of that .. everyone would be clamoring over it instead of a better shot. Essentially it doesn't matter .. who you are as a person (strange to say that but posting pictures you want people to *know* you) .. and not just some random woman on the 'net. Whatever the case at least I finally got that posting on AmPics was just a waste of time because things just went over everyone's heads.

I see the same thing going on and I played that way for a little while myself. But frankly got ery bored very quickly with that. I eventually started spending time with the threads that had creative photos not just bits. I even lost interest in a thread of my own that was just about posting bits with no concern about the composition or some conversation.

I find what was missing there, here and I started mixing up a few of my photos and other photos that I liked that I have found.

That whole “more, more, show your nipple, show your pink” is just so – empty

 

[Shankara20]

Constantly questioning myself in every single part of my life.

It is sad that this happens to so many of us, and that we then must work hard as we get older to correct those messages.

 

[Shankara20]

lena, you hit it dead on -- there's nothing wrong, exactly, with my relationship with my dad. It's just not *right*. It's never quite enough. Never good enough.

Even today, I'm 26, and in the time between my last post and this one I got attitude, sarcasm and scoldings from him at least three times.

It's very frustrating. And it's very late, so I'll stop here before I sleepy-ramble and say stupid things.

sad to hear - is granny still making sounds at the TV?

 

[FurryFury]

You managed to sum this up perfectly - I have trouble writing things down or expressing myself well. Part of my problem, that I've gotten heckled/ragged/flamed is that I like a certain sense of control over my pictures.

I know that when I used to post on AmPics that I'm exposing myself literally to hundreds of pairs of eyes all over the globe. Thinking of it like that makes me not be able to deal with it .. so when I do want to feel the 'thrill' or 'feel good' .. like a fix, I post .. and push that out of my mind. Until maybe a few days down the line when regrets show up .. with 'Did I show to much?' or 'Why did I do that?!". Then I yank everything off ..

After that I moved on to Flickr, and it's been all about control. Letting certain people see this. Letting others see more, some less. And like you said for yourself - it's a trust issue. If I trust someone not to turn it into something dirty or strange (by getting himself off on it and only that before moving on to the next nude woman), and see it as something else .. then I'll allow them to see more than me. It feels a little like someone has to prove themselves to me before they have the privilege .. but it thankfully weeds out quite a lot of the unwanteds who have no patience and will just easily move on to the next readily available woman.

I know that my pictures don't show enough of the 'good bits'. In the final thread it was like that .. always "more, more, more" - see more, show more, do more .. not enough, not enough. I just didn't feel like playing any more. It was just so .. tiresome and painful in a way because I always felt that I was 'never enough'. And to do all these things - i don't think anyone knows the amount of time it takes to set up a shot, take it etc. These pictures I thought were beautiful, artistically or not .. and then have people skip over them .. just to see 'pink bits' or a nipple here or there.

If by an off chance, there is a show of a bit of that .. everyone would be clamoring over it instead of a better shot. Essentially it doesn't matter .. who you are as a person (strange to say that but posting pictures you want people to *know* you) .. and not just some random woman on the 'net. Whatever the case at least I finally got that posting on AmPics was just a waste of time because things just went over everyone's heads.


That's such a perfect description. No comments are horrible Makes you totally question the shot, why didn't anyone like it etc.


(((( HUGS )))) It didn't sound bad, although it was a little heartbreaking .. but thanks for your honesty.

<snip>

Thanks Lena!

You made me smile!

*HUGS* back!

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

lena, you hit it dead on -- there's nothing wrong, exactly, with my relationship with my dad. It's just not *right*. It's never quite enough. Never good enough.

Even today, I'm 26, and in the time between my last post and this one I got attitude, sarcasm and scoldings from him at least three times.

It's very frustrating. And it's very late, so I'll stop here before I sleepy-ramble and say stupid things.

I agree with you both, Lena and Jade! Your relationship with your father can be hugely affecting. I always wanted more of mine and more positive. I miss him so much. I feel blessed that we had the time to repair our relationship and become business partners, even friends before he died. That was made possible in part by him being willing, even eager to change, something so few are able to do deliberately.

Fury

 

[raven_wish]

[op mini-hijack=Shank]
I am not intending to start a “dump on the folks that run Lit” rant here. This is just my observation. They have posted clear rules for posting pics at can be found in the FAQ. Those rules are ignored by many here, including me. During the great photo dump of ‘05/06 photos that did not more-or-less fit the rules and were posted as attachments using the method provided by Lit, as you use in my thread, were removed. There was such uproar in AmPics that you can only imagine. At the same time as pics that showed no more that a butt were being removed, clearly copywriter web pics of blowjobs that were posted as hotlinks so the image shows in the thread, as I am now using in my thread, were not being removed, despite the fact that they violated several of the posted rules. I have my own theories as to why and how this happened.

In any case, I am now concerned that my pics will be removed if I attached them, but not if I hotlink them, so I hotlink them. If I were asked to stop I would, as long as everyone that used that method, including those in the GB, was asked to stop as well. I think I am posting with a “wink wink nod nod”, but who knows.
[/op mini-hijack]

ok so b4 i came back here to respond
i did some research
the pic standards <yes shoulda checked em out b4>
and am pics

yeah the standards..i had no idea..and u all know y
as for the big dump of last yr
i can only imagine what that was like for all u posters there

i dont know y i like to post pics o me <not here>
but i am certainly thinking about the y now

 

[Shankara20]

i dont know y i like to post pics o me <not here>
but i am certainly thinking about the y now

so, tell us - where? hee hee

oh god - see how easy it is for me to turn into a, a, a, well, a guy?

 

[raven_wish]

so, tell us - where? hee hee

oh god - see how easy it is for me to turn into a, a, a, well, a guy?

lol
well they are all out their in the public domain
happy searching

 

[Shankara20]

lol
well they are all out their in the public domain
happy searching

*running to google to enter "raven_wish" and start a search*

 

[jadefirefly]

sad to hear - is granny still making sounds at the TV?

*laughs* No, she went home. Mom is trying to get her to come out for Christmas. Admittedly, she's never come out here for Christmas, and this is despite her swearing for the last five years that she'll be moving out here anyway...

Anyhoo. My poor sister doesn't have the heart to tell mom how much stress that puts her under, because she loves my grandma like crazy and wouldn't want to make her feel unwelcome, but I'm convinced that having yet another person in the house who needs so much care and generally becomes the focus of everyone's attention is a huge reason why she had such a rough summer.

So, no. She went home.

 

[raven_wish]

*running to google to enter "raven_wish" and start a search*

yeah and i saw the results at the other thread
too funny

 

[Ebonyfire]

oh god - see how easy it is for me to turn into a, a, a, well, a guy?

Because when it comes down to it, that is what you are... a guy.

But what a guy!

Eb

 

[neonflux]

Hi Shank! Finally responding to this great thread of yours.

…Do you have any body image issues?

I so identify with the struggles that people have had regarding becoming comfortable with their bodies. As a sexuality educator working with young people. I've always felt like I shouldn't struggle with these issues but I do. I do think that the fact that I've always been athletic (swimming), worked out (yoga and weights), danced (modern, ballet), performed and hiked has been a mitigating factor as early on it gave me an appreciation for what my body can DO that extends far beyond my fears of what it LOOKS like.

It's ironic that I was most displeased with my body when I was thin (up until my early 40's when I went vegan and started to really put on weight). It's also funny that for years I most hated what most of my male partners most love about my figure - my breasts. I hated the attention that being big-breasted got me.

It's only the past two years (beginning at age 48, that I've actually begun to love myself. The fact that I've been both clinically obese and am now approaching a so-called "normal" size has helped me to understand just how pernicious attitudes towards weight are in the U.S. (and perhaps a couple of others, like France and Japan).

When I was thin, I was always waited on in stores, welcomed into groups, listened to when I spoke up at an association I just joined, etc. When I was at my heaviest, I found that people largely ignored me - I had to work to get the attention of a salesperson or, when new in a group, to be acknowledged as someone who had something to offer. This cannot help but influence one's self esteem. While I am also sure that some of this difference was the result of growing older, now that I am closer to my smaller size, I am seeing a difference in how people treat me yet again.

While some of these changing attitudes may have thier origins in my varying levels of self-confidence, I am convinced that it has much more to do with how our culture views people who are fat. I think that this is our society's one unforgivable sin, especially for women and gay men but also increasingly for straight boys and men, as well. I think that these attitudes have their origins in A) the victorian romanticisation of the invalid which finds its ultimate expression in today's "heroin chic" and B) in a consumer culture which relies upon women's and increasingly men's insecurities about our appearance to sell products.

How do you feel at play parties, the beach, spas and other places that allow for exposing all your bits?

When I started dating again, I realized that I had to love my body or no one else would. And I started looking for partners by posting on Craig's List since I didn't want to date anyone from within my social circles. When I posted, I was honest about my body and fairly honest about my age (I fudged by a couple of years) because it was important for me to find lovers who enjoyed my body and with whom I wouldn't feel shame. When I was interested in someone, I would reply with a photo (face blurred for obvious reasons). Going into relationships holding myself with regard and having lovers who appreciated my body did loads for my self-esteem.

My mother did make me feel as though my worth would always partially be based upon my weight. I now have to tell her to "quit" with her comments - all of which she phrases within the context of health, despite the fact that I have always been able to "outhike" other family members during holiday weeks spent together.

However, I never had shame regarding sex. My mother and father gave my sister and me a gift when it comes to acceptance of our sexuality. Neither of us have never felt shame about any of our desires.

Coming to accept and relish my body hasn't all been a question of my lovers' reactions, it's also taken work - looking at paintings from other eras (i would currently compare my body to that of renaissance paintings), running my hands over my curves first in the dark, then in front of the mirror, etc.

What is interesting is that learning to really love my body, really love it, has added immeasurably to my sexual pleasure - in private, certainly. However it has also allowed me to feel comfortable in public play spaces. I love the fact that in the BDSM and poly worlds so many large women are able to openly celebrate their sexuality.

The one mitigating factor now is my herpes - I won't play without panties - in part because even though I played Jill in Equus (was butt naked while surrounded by audience members seated on the stage), I am a little "Japanese" in my feeling like my genitals are more private than my other bits, but also because I want to protect partners' toys, etc. (Both my sexual partners have herpes and it is this factor which is making finding a woman lover so difficult.)

I hope that this answers some of your questions???

Neon

Photos of me in 4 stages - please let me know if you'd like for me to take them down. It seemed appropriate since I only posted the one when I replied on your other thread as a point of love for myself at my heaviest:

As Jill in Equus (mid-20s):

Me at my heaviest:

Me at 30 pounds less:

Me now (switch persona )

 

[neonflux]

To JM - regarding your questions and also some comments that you posted in Shank's photo thread... From one "middle-aged" BDSM-er to another

My sexuality would best be described as one-on-one and intensely private. Play parties just aren't my thing.

… Specifically, what types of comments do you expect or want to hear after posting personal images? If you receive too few does it bother you, or does it make you feel relieved? If you receive too many, or ones whose sincerity you doubt, does that make a difference in how you react to the experience? Do you appreciate general or specific responses, or both?

To me, public play parties aren't so much about exhibitionism as about sharing, learning, celebration. There is a power in such spaces that for me can really energize a scene. While I do want to "come off well," particularly when Topping, it is as much about the community experience as anything else - I often think of Bachanals and Celtic fertility rituals when I am in that type of venue.

There is an exhibitionistic element to sexual play with my kink partner at a local sex club which has a dungeon but isn't primarily a BDSM space. I pretty much expect that people will pay attention to my breasts but also know that they are generally more likely to be interested in the younger women there - strangely, not a blow to either my ego or the erotic nature of the experience. (My more vanilla primary expressed interest in going there long before our temporary break-up and before I ever went, but is a little shy, still.)

At the sex club, my kink partner can get off on "showing me off" - including my nether bits - when topping in the dungeon space and I have to admit that I find this very hot, as well. Sometimes I like to feel very naughty and nasty, not something that comes from BDSM which has so much spiritual potential for me. Ehibitionism on the other hand is an experience of pure, unadulterated, selfish hedonism that makes me feel just this way...

I do post my photos here but generally in my avatars, etc. (Except once, early on, the only time I've posted nudes is within the context of body image threads, primarily to "make or illustrate a point." I recognize that different people are attracted to different body types, and so assume that some people will like them, others won't, but don't expect praise, although I think I might be offended if someone said something terribly rude - which I don't really expect here, btw.

Hope that this answers???

Neon

 

[FurryFury]

Wonderful posts and pictures Neon!



Fury

 

[neonflux]

Wonderful posts and pictures Neon!



Fury

Thank you, Fury. I enjoyed your posts vey much, as well - they gave much food for thought (so to speak). This struggle is so absurd isn't it? It's nice to have a place to discuss it.

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

Thank you, Fury. I enjoyed your posts vey much, as well - they gave much food for thought (so to speak). This struggle is so absurd isn't it? It's nice to have a place to discuss it.

Heck, you both inspire me. Not that I'm going to be posting my pictures any time soon, other than the face one I've already put up, but knowing you guys took the plunge even though you were nervous makes me think more about it.

Great pictures Neon. Thanks for posting them.

Rox.

 

[Shankara20]

Heck, you both inspire me. Not that I'm going to be posting my pictures any time soon, other than the face one I've already put up, but knowing you guys took the plunge even though you were nervous makes me think more about it.

if you ever do want to take that pics posting plunge Lit is a good place to that.

Great pictures Neon. Thanks for posting them.

I agree....

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

if you ever do want to take that pics posting plunge Lit is a good place to that.




I agree....

You're another one that inspires me. I don't post on it, but I always look at the new pictures on your sneak a peek thread. You have some awesome ones there. I enjoy checking them out.

Rox.

 

[Shankara20]

You're another one that inspires me. I don't post on it, but I always look at the new pictures on your sneak a peek thread. You have some awesome ones there. I enjoy checking them out.

Rox.

thanks - I have fun there...

 

[Rox_shybutcurious]

I had one I was going to try and post there, but can't find it anymore. It was a guy with a dragon tattoo that went the length of his penis and around his hip. If I remember right it went all the way around with the tail then down his inner thigh. Could be misremembering some, but I do the dragon head. That part stayed with me...LOL

If I can locate it again I think it'll fit with your thread.

Rox.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm a shy exhibitionist as well. I can really relate to neon's post about weight. When I was in high school, I wasn't stick-thin by any stretch of the imagination, but I was within what was a mostly "acceptable" weight range for my height. I went on Depo my sophomore year in college, and I've gained somewhere in the neighborhood of 125 pounds. I *look* overweight and am obese by most standards. However, I'm lucky that I'm rather tall and built like a brick shithouse, anyway, so I mostly just look like a curvy girl with a gut rather than a barrel with arms and legs. Still, though, the Depo makes it impossible to lose weight, even when I cut my caloric intake and exercise my ass off. I was shy before I gained all this weight. It's much, much worse now that people act like I'm a non-entity because I'm fat.

However, I've recently turned into a camera whore, LOL. I love making pics for my girlfriend and Master. I like taking requests and making the specific pics. I've considered making an Am Pic thread here, but I'm a chickenshit. Besides, I imagine a number of them would be deleted, and even though I know why, it would still bother me and make me think that *I'm* the reason they were deleted. (Does that even make sense?) Anyway, I love taking pics for gf and Master because I know how much they like them.

A friend of mine is a fetish photographer. He took some pics of me once as a surprise for Master. Recently, my photographer friend has been begging me to model for him for real. He is a scout for a website, and they are begging him to find more girls from Alabama. He swears I have the look, the aura, the whatever the hell it is they look for. Part of me really wants to do it. (The money is enticing as well.) A bigger part of me is terrified at the idea. For me, modeling for pics is so personal, and it opens such a big part of me for scrutiny that I can't imagine doing it. I've already backed out of it once. I'm trying to get up the nerve to at least do the photo shoot and see how the pics turn out. No one says I have to submit them to the website, I suppose.

I wish I could be less shy about it. I really, really do.