Thoughts on friends with benifits.....

[canuckchick]

I don't think it is a matter of "how to" i think it is more a matter of "who to".

I think that there are people that try and use a FwB situation as some kind of step to some other type of relationship. For us it just works because this is honestly all we are looking for. Maybe one day when i have more time to commit to something more personal i will consider it. But for now with all of the other stuff i have going on i just don't think it would be realistic to expect someone to commit to a relationship with me when i am just not able/willing to commit more time.

For me it's a matter of not being willing to put in the time. For him i think maybe some not being willing to put in the commitment lol. But whatever it is it works for us, although i wouldnt recommend this type of relationship to anyone i know. Not because of any experience i've ever had, but because i understand that this type of relationship can easily turn sour if both people are not on the same page, and not everyone is willing to admit what page they are on.

 

[jmmitch80]

I really don't think anyone was judging you. (Well, maybe one post came across as a bit judgmental.) I think the majority of people who have asked questions in this thread are genuinely curious about how people make something like this work.

Intensely curious, or more like baffled. I simply cannot fathom how two people could have repeated sex without any emotions getting involved. I enjoy trying to understand everyone and their points of view, and this topic has been one of the most difficult for me to comprehend!

 

[canuckchick]

Intensely curious, or more like baffled. I simply cannot fathom how two people could have repeated sex without any emotions getting involved. I enjoy trying to understand everyone and their points of view, and this topic has been one of the most difficult for me to comprehend!

I have never been able to understand why other people need to have the emotions involved. Sex for me has never had any sort of emotional connection. That does not mean that i sleep around and/or never feel any emotion with/for my SO's, but sex is sex and emotion is emotion, never are the two connected.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I have never been able to understand why other people need to have the emotions involved. Sex for me has never had any sort of emotional connection. That does not mean that i sleep around and/or never feel any emotion with/for my SO's, but sex is sex and emotion is emotion, never are the two connected.

Never, not even when you're in love? Or when you love?

 

[canuckchick]

Nope, never ever not even when i'm in love. The emotional aspect of a relationship has never crossed into the physical.

I don't want it to sound like i'm callous or heartless or anything like that. I do love and have loved intensly, it just has nothing to do with sex for me. I just don't experience any kind of the "emotional connection" that people talk about durning sex. I can experience the closeness and emotional connection and intertwining of souls that people talk about, but it never has anything to do with sex.

 

[ickle_stace]

I've been chatting to a guy from here and he wants more, and i'm scared of being in a relationship too soon because i've only ever had bad experiences in the past with relationships, and i wanna make sure the next one is with a guy who i know truly cares about me

i really wanna sleep with him sooner than being in a relationship with him, because i'll feel more comfortable with that part of it, plus me learning what makes him horny will improve my confidence and make me feel better about myself and giving my all to him. Do you think that we could have a sort of friends with benefits situation until i feel safe with him and then it develop into more?

i've never really done anything like this before, I've been treated badly in relationships in the past, and then i've had a couple of one night stands, but i've never slept with a close friend on a repeated occasion

 

[LadyJeanne]

I've been chatting to a guy from here and he wants more, and i'm scared of being in a relationship too soon because i've only ever had bad experiences in the past with relationships, and i wanna make sure the next one is with a guy who i know truly cares about me

i really wanna sleep with him sooner than being in a relationship with him, because i'll feel more comfortable with that part of it, plus me learning what makes him horny will improve my confidence and make me feel better about myself and giving my all to him. Do you think that we could have a sort of friends with benefits situation until i feel safe with him and then it develop into more?

i've never really done anything like this before, I've been treated badly in relationships in the past, and then i've had a couple of one night stands, but i've never slept with a close friend on a repeated occasion

If he wants a relationship and you want sex before the relationship, you'll get the sex, but he'll be disappointed that's all he's getting.

 

[ickle_stace]

If he wants a relationship and you want sex before the relationship, you'll get the sex, but he'll be disappointed that's all he's getting.

we did discuss it, and he seems cool with it. I don't think I can have sex without emotion, even in my one night stands there was feeling there, one was my way of trying to get over an abusive relationship with another guy, i needed to feel wanted, and my friend that i slept with made me feel how i needed to feel, but the 2nd one night stand i had was a guy who lied to get me into bed. So i think I know that if i sleep with this guy, unless he changes his mind, there's gonna be a relationship down the line, i'm just not sure when yet,

 

[LadyJeanne]

we did discuss it, and he seems cool with it. I don't think I can have sex without emotion, even in my one night stands there was feeling there, one was my way of trying to get over an abusive relationship with another guy, i needed to feel wanted, and my friend that i slept with made me feel how i needed to feel, but the 2nd one night stand i had was a guy who lied to get me into bed. So i think I know that if i sleep with this guy, unless he changes his mind, there's gonna be a relationship down the line, i'm just not sure when yet,

When? Maybe when you accept that you're wonderful and don't need validation from a guy's approval of your sexual prowess in order to believe it?

I'm not being snarky. I'm just speaking from experience. Having sex with guys used to be a hell of a lot easier for me than developing a trusting, intimate relationship with them where I felt I wouldn't get hurt. Sex is easier than trust, and hearing a guy say, "wow" afterwards was all I needed for me to feel good. Eventually, it wasn't.

Holding back for fear fo getting hurt does not allow you to ever develop a deep, intimate relationship. You cheat yourself and your lover when you do that.

 

[ickle_stace]

When? Maybe when you accept that you're wonderful and don't need validation from a guy's approval of your sexual prowess in order to believe it?

I'm not being snarky. I'm just speaking from experience. Having sex with guys used to be a hell of a lot easier for me than developing a trusting, intimate relationship with them where I felt I wouldn't get hurt. Sex is easier than trust, and hearing a guy say, "wow" afterwards was all I needed for me to feel good. Eventually, it wasn't.

Holding back for fear fo getting hurt does not allow you to ever develop a deep, intimate relationship. You cheat yourself and your lover when you do that.

i just get scared because my ex used to put me down all the time, and then he used to hurt me when i tried to ignore him, it hasn't made me too confident about being in a relationship.

i just figured that when i sleep with someone casually, i don't care if they hate my body or anything, but if you're with someone and they think you're fat and ugly like my ex did, thats when it hurts atleast i'd know with this guy if he still wants me after the casual stuff, then i must not be too repulsive to him

 

[LadyJeanne]

i just get scared because my ex used to put me down all the time, and then he used to hurt me when i tried to ignore him, it hasn't made me too confident about being in a relationship.

i just figured that when i sleep with someone casually, i don't care if they hate my body or anything, but if you're with someone and they think you're fat and ugly like my ex did, thats when it hurts atleast i'd know with this guy if he still wants me after the casual stuff, then i must not be too repulsive to him

I'm sorry, sweets. You've had a really rough time of it with an asshole. All guys aren't like that. Most guys aren't like that.

It helps to think of relationships in a different way. Worry less about what he thinks of you. Consider what you think of him. Is he the kind of guy you want? Is he treating you well? Is he kind to you? Does he compliment you? Does he tell you he's happy to see you and spend time with you? Does he care if you're having a bad day? Does he care if you're happy?

After you feel comfortable with the answers to those questions, THEN sleep with him. It'll be much, much better sex because you'll be with a guy who wants to give you pleasure.

I'd say, meet this guy and get used to being with him in person. Get to know who he is when he's sitting across the dinner table for a while. If you like how he treats you and how he makes you feel when you're with him, then you can think about sex, anticipate it, look forward to it, and enjoy it.

 

[ickle_stace]

I'm sorry, sweets. You've had a really rough time of it with an asshole. All guys aren't like that. Most guys aren't like that.

It helps to think of relationships in a different way. Worry less about what he thinks of you. Consider what you think of him. Is he the kind of guy you want? Is he treating you well? Is he kind to you? Does he compliment you? Does he tell you he's happy to see you and spend time with you? Does he care if you're having a bad day? Does he care if you're happy?

After you feel comfortable with the answers to those questions, THEN sleep with him. It'll be much, much better sex because you'll be with a guy who wants to give you pleasure.

I'd say, meet this guy and get used to being with him in person. Get to know who he is when he's sitting across the dinner table for a while. If you like how he treats you and how he makes you feel when you're with him, then you can think about sex, anticipate it, look forward to it, and enjoy it.

thanks, i'll just see what happens, i'm hoping we'll get on as well in person as we do online, he makes me smile