Topless Jen Chapter 1 Revised

[ShirtlessMike05]

Although Dixon's comments are harsh (possibly to the point of being unproductive, but sometimes tough love looks that way), the technical quality of your writing needs a lot of work.

Thats what I like about some of his comments even though they are harsh theyre productive.

Some people may read what you've written and say nice things - and there are positive things about it - but the fundamental issue is that your writing contains numerous errors in terms of spelling, grammar, punctuation and sentence structure, and those problems are offputting to many readers.

Most people who say the nice things about my writing like the story but think the spelling and grammar could use some work.

Every word you choose and every aspect of the way that you tell the story contributes to the readers' experience on both the conscious and subconscious levels. The previous discussion about the use of "OMG" is a good example. By choosing to use that expression, you tell us volumes about the age and mentality of your character - things you don't need to explain because "her" diction has told us, instead.

Jen is supposed to be more like a young girl than a woman so shes going to speak more like a teenager and not a full adult yet. Shes just gotten out on her own so alot of things are new to her.

That's not to say that plot isn't important - a piece can be technically correct and still be a bad story. And a good plot and compelling characters can overcome a lot of technical flaws, but sentences like this:
Most of the people in the restaurant are beachgoers so a lot of them have swimsuits on so Jen isn’t too uncomfortable being topless in a place like this although she secretly wishes there were more clothed people here so she could push her boundaries a bit but she is already doing that since this is the first place off the beach she has been topless and most girls don’t go bare in a restaurant like this.
are just painful to read. This is an example of really bad writing, and there are a lot of sentences like that. Take a minute and read that out loud.

Alot of that is me trying to flesh out the story and then go back and try to fix all the little technical things.

You seem to feel this need to explain things directly to the reader, rather than using the plot and your characters to communicate things.

I read so many stories that explain so little of whats going on so alot of the story feels like there are parts missing. I have a tendency to explain things and sometimes its easier to explain them from my point of view rather than let the character and the story do it for me. I am trying to rewrite the story a bit to let it do that though.

You deserve credit for taking on a story like this and sticking with it. Writing something this long takes a lot of effort, and when people criticize something you have put that much effort into, it's like someone calling your baby ugly. Unfortunately, the truth is that right now, your story is not well written. It has potential and it could become a very well written story, but it needs a lot of work.

I got the idea in my head a while back and it just stuck so now im trying to flesh out a whole story with it and make it work. This is just the first story ive written like this so theres still things to figure out but ill get better as I go along.

Mike

 

[RedJohnny]

Ok. I surrender. You're either determined not to get it or it simply isn't relevant to you. Good luck with your writing.

 

[ShirtlessMike05]

Probably both.

 

[PatrickZ]

First of all, let me say English isn't my mother tongue, I was raised in Dutch and still English is only a second language to me. Despite of that, I really enjoyed reading this story. I guess what people say about grammatical errors is correct, but I didn't notice them at first while I was reading the story. In fact, I think the story is great and I can't wait to read the next chaptar. So I figure a good story doesn't need good grammar.

The way I see it, you got two choices. Either you care about every grammar detail and fix it to the very last point or you dont care about it and say fuck the grammar fuckers. The last option may not please some of the people who posted in this treat before but in my opinion it creates the best stories. Stories that are really yours, that come straight from the heart. Those stories are, in my opinion, far more interesting than stories that only focus on correct grammar.

Now I'm sure there are numerous grammar errors in this post alone but what does it matter? Besides, don't forget I'm Dutch.